How do I deal with my teenage son

alwaysworried_2

Hi everyone just looking for a bit of advice.

My DS will be 17 this year, I personally feel he should have by now at least looked for a job working a couple of hours a week, but he hasn't done anything about it. He plans to stay on at school for another year(actually he doesn't have a choice if he doesn't have a job or decide to go to college as I refuse to let him lie around the house all day whilst my husband and I are out working).

Whenever I ask him what he wants to do for a career he always says he doesn't know. He has no hobbies except the play station! He did say he would like to do something with sport ie working in a sport centre however, he doesn't do sports, has no interest in going to the gym.

Tonight I've tried to talk to him about voluntary work or doing a Duke of Edinburgh Award, but he just brushed them both off saying it's too late for him to ask the school about a DOE award!

I personally feel he has to grow up a bit more, we were giving him £10 a week pocket money however, I've stopped this because of his attitude towards his chores (washing and drying the dishes, emptying the bin, and cleaning his room). He never does any of his chores without being asked which then in turn creates a moaning match. The dishes are never done properly, and half the dishes have to be rewashed which creates another moaning match from him as he feels hard done by that he has to do chores! He has a terrible attitude because we won't let him stay up to midnight on a school night because apparently all his friends' parents let them do this!

I am really worried about his future. My husband has said there is nothing we can do except stop his pocket money until he realises he has to work to earn it and to let him map out his own future because he will end up learning the hard way. I've told him if we go on holiday next year it will be the last holiday we fund for him because after that he has to fund his own way through life.

He just doesn't seem to have any ambition or even any thoughts about his future.

Does anyone else have a teenager like this? Am I being too hard in him.

I've sat him down to ask him what he wants, asked if he has any worrys about the future, but he says he doesn't, he just doesn't know what to do. I've tried to explain how you have to work at life and work to get things you want but it seems to make no difference.

I feel sometimes I'm banging my head against a brick wall!

balletshoes

How is he doing in school?

If it helps, I think loads of people at age 17 don't have a clue what they want to do with their life, or what job they want to go for.

If he's not pulling his weight at home, and part of the deal for his pocket money is that he does, then I think you're right to withdraw his pocket money.

I didn't have a clue what I wanted to do when I left school (I knew I didn't want to go to uni though) so I got a job at the first place that would have me . It really hasn't, hand on heart, done me any harm.

alwaysworried_2

thanks for replying.

he hates school always has. he has never done well in school and never wanted to. he sat some exams just a few weeks ago and failed all but one and even at that he just passed a no more. All his teachers say he is just getting by by the skin of his teeth. In have lost count how many times we have taken his play station, phone and computer off him until he does some studying, but it doesn't make any difference. it doesn't make him study or try harder at school.

can I just say when I say ambition what I mean is a goal for what he wants in life! I don't mean ambitious in a career way. it doesn't matter to me what he does for a living as long as it's honest work, just thought I would say that I case someone thought I wanted him to go to uni and becomes lawyer or something like that. hope I'm explaining myself okay!

fabforty

I am all for children doing housework and not necessarily being rewarded for it, so if he isn't doing his chores then witholding pocket money seems reasonable.


However as he is still only 16 and plans on stay on at shool for another year, then I do think you are being harsh about him not knowing what he wants to do as a career, and about not paying for him to join you on family holidays after this year. I wonder how many adults are currently in the job that they envisaged they would have aged 16. The time to have encouraged him away from endless hours playing computer games, was years ago, when he was younger. Not wanting to do voluntary work, is not a big deal either. Unless there is more to the story, I think that you should lighten up a little (easier said than done, I know :-).

alwaysworried_2

Thank you fabforty I appreciate what you say.

In thought the voluntary work thing would look good on a cv because he doesn't have any hobbies. I also thought it would get him to see what a working environment would be like and really just to get him some experience.

Not paying for him to go on holiday is for next year. What I have said to him is I will continue to pay for him to go on holiday until he is 18 after that he has to pay for it himself.

19lottie82

I'm 32 and I still don't know what I want to do!

Shelldean

my son was the same, he got to yr 11 and no idea what he wanted to do. He couldn't decide what he wanted to study nor where he he wished to study it. He finally agreed to apply for 6th form ( he applied the day of the deadline)
He entered 6th form and like your son he was getting through it by the skin of his teeth. In some subjects he wasn't even achieving that


3/4 of the way through yr 12, he was unbearable he hated going in, was being warned about homework not done etc. We tried allsorts to motivate him to no avail.
Then one day I said to him if it's really that bad ... LEAVE!!!!! But there will be no free ride. If you're not in education/learning then you need to be earning. We spent a week together going through apprenticeships. Applied for about 4, was difficult as he still didn't have a clue what field he wanted to work in. So applied for a range.


He got an interview the following week, with a glazing company. This was with the wife of the owner. She said he was just what they was looking for, but could he come back next week and meet the boss (her husband) He did and was taken on.
The company said he should have a trial week to ensure they liked him and he liked them.
This was the Thursday before May Half term.
I spoke with head of sixth form on Friday, and arranged for him to have the week after half term as work experience.
Half term was spent on a family holiday, he went on his work experience and never looked back.
I had the envious task of telling the school, he'd not be back!!!


I know he was VERY lucky and he landed on his feet. But I wanted to give you hope that even when you despair ( and I was despairing about him) things often work out ok.

RAS

alwaysworried wrote: »

My DS will be 17 this year, I personally feel he should have by now at least looked for a job working a couple of hours a week, but he hasn't done anything about it. He plans to stay on at school for another year(actually he doesn't have a choice if he doesn't have a job or decide to go to college as I refuse to let him lie around the house all day whilst my husband and I are out working).

Whenever I ask him what he wants to do for a career he always says he doesn't know. He has no hobbies except the play station! He did say he would like to do something with sport ie working in a sport centre however, he doesn't do sports, has no interest in going to the gym.

Tonight I've tried to talk to him about voluntary work or doing a Duke of Edinburgh Award, but he just brushed them both off saying it's too late for him to ask the school about a DOE award!

I personally feel he has to grow up a bit more, we were giving him £10 a week pocket money however, I've stopped this because of his attitude towards his chores (washing and drying the dishes, emptying the bin, and cleaning his room). He never does any of his chores without being asked which then in turn creates a moaning match. The dishes are never done properly, and half the dishes have to be rewashed which creates another moaning match from him as he feels hard done by that he has to do chores! He has a terrible attitude because we won't let him stay up to midnight on a school night because apparently all his friends' parents let them do this!

I am really worried about his future. My husband has said there is nothing we can do except stop his pocket money until he realises he has to work to earn it and to let him map out his own future because he will end up learning the hard way. I've told him if we go on holiday next year it will be the last holiday we fund for him because after that he has to fund his own way through life.

He just doesn't seem to have any ambition or even any thoughts about his future.

Does anyone else have a teenager like this? Am I being too hard in him.

I've sat him down to ask him what he wants, asked if he has any worrys about the future, but he says he doesn't, he just doesn't know what to do. I've tried to explain how you have to work at life and work to get things you want but it seems to make no difference.

I feel sometimes I'm banging my head against a brick wall!

Starting point.

He is a lad. Mum's are for ignoring.

His father needs to engage with him on a routine basis. His father needs to model house tasks if not doing so already. His father needs to model academic involvement.

And ideally his father needs to do tasks alongside son; it is much easier to get lads to engage if you are sat or standing next to them rather than facing them.

Get hold of some of Steve Biddulph's books.

With respect to a career; the stark fact is that very few of us know what we want to do at 20, let alone 16. What he needs to do is work to earn money, at anything and then learn what he can do that earns more money or gives him more satisfaction.

Add to that the fact that some the jobs he may be doing in 10 years time may well not even exist right now...............

balletshoes

alwaysworried wrote: »

Thank you fabforty I appreciate what you say.

In thought the voluntary work thing would look good on a cv because he doesn't have any hobbies. I also thought it would get him to see what a working environment would be like and really just to get him some experience.

Not paying for him to go on holiday is for next year. What I have said to him is I will continue to pay for him to go on holiday until he is 18 after that he has to pay for it himself.

I don't think any of that is unreasonable - but I wouldn't force the issue with voluntary work/part-time job etc. Let the action of the no-pocket money because chores not done/half done do its work - eventually he'll want money for something, won't he? Thats the time to re-visit the chores and the voluntary work options - as a discussion, not a command.

I honestly had no aim/goal in life when I left school - just to get a job, that was it. The rest comes with maturity/life experience.

Mojisola

alwaysworried wrote: »

he hates school always has.

he has never done well in school and never wanted to. he sat some exams just a few weeks ago and failed all but one and even at that he just passed a no more.

can I just say when I say ambition what I mean is a goal for what he wants in life! I don't mean ambitious in a career way. it doesn't matter to me what he does for a living as long as it's honest work, just thought I would say that I case someone thought I wanted him to go to uni and becomes lawyer or something like that.

alwaysworried wrote: »

He plans to stay on at school for another year (actually he doesn't have a choice if he doesn't have a job or decide to go to college as I refuse to let him lie around the house all day whilst my husband and I are out working).

So every day he's getting up and going to a place where he has being failing for years? Not a happy situation to be in. I'm not surprised he's a bit lost.

School just doesn't suit some people. What are his options for doing something else? Would a course in a practical subject at college suit him better?

It must be very frustrating for you but life must be pretty awful for him, too.

jenhug

Remove the power lead to the console.
Make him engage with fellow earthlings.
Suggest he joins a local cadet unit (Sea, Air, Army), for valuable life skills that will help him find a job. (My daughter is a Sea cadet), amongst other things, she is taught silver service waiter/essing. Many of the cadets have work in the local hotel evenings and weekends.