How do I deal with my teenage son

PlymouthMaid

It must be tough to see your son so unmotivated and despondent. Australia does sound good as it may give him ideas and more oomph but also maybe you could talk to him about a plan for when he returns making clear that loafing about is not an option. I would explain to him that while he is young the government are more than happy to pay for his education and training but once he gets older he will have to fund it himself. Could he look at local apprenticeship providers and get onto anything he could have a reasonable shot at. It doesn't need to be what he wants to do for his whole life as who ever knows that really but the key thing is to be doing something, learning new skills, meeting people and rejoining the human race. Some young people do take a little longer to realise that they have to get out there and do something as life will not come to them in their bedrooms.

Helen224488

Hi,

I just wanted to say this sounds exactly what my son Josh used to be like. I was a single parent then and ever since he was 15/16 I was encouraging him to get a Saturday job & he had no motivation. I used to give him pocket money of £25 a month. I work full time and he didn't put much effort into school but he is gifted & talented so managed to get all A's & A*'s at GCSE's with little effort. He wen't onto a local Post 16 college to do A levels but never wen't & so only got grades B, C & D (was predicted A's) so didn't get into uni. He then sat at home on his behind for 2 years playing X box & still didn't get a job. I was doing my head in, he is to talented! He wouldn't do any kind of training or college & he couldn't be bothered to sign on!!!!!!

Then last year when he was 20 he got a job interview in Southampton (we live in Bristol) I thought he is never gonna get this job, only because he has no work experience etc. anyway off he wen't via train & he got the job. The job was customer support for a large gaming company & he had to relocate there. I was so worried as I wanted him to get a job but not leave home. I was worried as he couldn't get out of bed before noon. Anyway 1 year on, (he is 21 in July), he has been promoted to Community Manager and travels around Europe & absolutely loves his job. I used to say to him "playing X Box isn't gonna get you a job!" how wrong was I!!!!!!!!!! Anyway things sometimes just happen, so don't despair. Stay strong and try to have boundaries. I was useless, I used to spoil him & take his dinner to his room then go get the plate. I also bribed him to do well in his GCSE's, I paid him X amount for an A, B & C grade not knowing he would get all A's. I ended up giving him around £800 cash (serves me right!) This was only to be given if he promised to get a part time job when he was 16 as he kept telling me that all shops wanted you to be 16 and his birthday is at end of July. He took my cash but never did get a part time job!

Funny thing is he texted me to say that he has to go to opticians and dentist but will have to wait until pay day. I texted back "Welcome to adulthood!!!!!"

fletch3163

Well, I have now read the thread. I was so excited to see it because it could have come from me, except I would not do it for fear of judgement.

OP I sent you a pm too.

I think a lot of advice given is very helpful, some quite judgemental.

This story is very like mine. I know my issue is that I overprotected my son and I never encouraged him out there. He only had his first night away from home in the last year! Sounds lame typing it:o. Anyway, it is what it is. Both his dad and I work full time too so a lot of planning goes into our lives, as it does most people.

I think modern day and computer life adds to the solitude of teens these days. Upside is you know where they are, no hanging about corners, no peer pressure to do things you would not like them to. Downside, solitary confinement, online chatting and gaming, no real social intercourse.

As for school work and 16 year olds, I think computers play a part in it. Their desire to be online is much higher than their desire to study and do well.

I don't know the answer. Wish I did. One poster said to be careful with bandying depressed about and I agree.

Thanks for listening (reading)

minimacka

I have just been reading through this thread and it could me my soon to be 18 year old too, I just wondered what the outcome was now its over 6 months down the line?

Maitane

alwaysworried wrote: »

One thing I can say about him is he is a people person he loves talking to people. he seems to attract all folk no matter where he is. he said to me one time about that and I explained it was a wonderful thing for people to talk and open up to someone especially someone they didn't know.

He'd be pretty boss at sales. If he is really interested in computers, tech support might even be an option.

valk_scot

I agreed with every daft idea my lad wanted to do at 17. He wanted to visit some online friends in Sweden, go on holiday to Crete with friends the following year, have a gap year in the USA etc etc. To everything I said fine, you can go if you plan it, if you can offer ideas as to how to pay for it other than me footing the bill and then you can persuade me you're sensible enough to go. In fact he didn't do any of the above but as part of the planning he got himself a part time job, found out the costs of everything, started to learn some Swedish (!) and basically it was good for him to start feeling he could have some control over his life. He worked harder too, got much better grades than expected and is now off to uni doing a course that he'd never even thought about a year ago. And he's loving it.


My motto has always been never discourage, always encourage. That doesn't mean that you do it for them or pay for every last whim immediately but if you shoot their enthusiasms down in flames then they very soon won't bother to get enthusiastic. About anything.

barbiedoll

Oh gosh, OP and Fletch.....this is just like my 16 year old son too!

(I didn't realise that the thread was so old until I got to the last page)

My son is just the same, we do limit his computer time, no Playstation on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays (we may let him go on Sunday evening if his homework and chores are done) but even when he's downstairs with us, he's plugged into his iPad or phone, listening to music etc. It's like having a ghost in the house who only appears within your line of sight when hungry!

My greatest fear is what happened to Shushana's son, the poor, poor woman. I work full-time, as does my husband and I call my son every day, if he doesn't answer his phone, I have all of these terrible scenarios in my head. I told him this and he did laugh, I don't think he's depressed as such but like OP's boy, he is a bit lonely. He's very small for his age and looks younger than he is so he doesn't like asking his mates to go to the cinema for example, in case he can't get in. I took him to see a 15 film earlier this year, along with his birth certificate and you'd think we were trying to smuggle guns and drugs into the place by the way they went on. I wouldn't mind but the cinema employee who checked the birth certificate, looked about 14! He did acknowledge this and said to my son "I know how you feel mate, I can't even grow a moustache and I'm 20"!

His mates are fine with him at school but they never seem to want to go out much. I too, am glad that he's not falling out of pubs (as I was at 15 :eek:) and he's not into drugs or smoking and stuff, but I do wish he'd get out and about a bit more. And, of course, I feel guilty being at work all day, but even when I'm home, he doesn't want to do anything with his deeply uncool parents anyway.

I met his media studies teacher last week at the parents evening and although my son says that he's a "knob" (he really isn't!), the teacher told my son that he found him "intriguing" and he couldn't work out "what makes him tick". He said that as a teacher, it was his mission to find out what every pupil is interested in, and how to translate that into a way of earning a living. My son said that he liked computer games and he enjoys watching the Youtubers who post videos about gaming etc. My son was a gifted drama student, and apparently very funny and witty, something that several teachers have told us. I'm not sure how far wit and humour will go in the workplace, I just want him to go out and do something with his life.

We have tried pushing the part-time job routine on him, with the promise of untold riches, untaxed and to be spent on whatever his heart desires. The trouble is, as he told me recently, he has everything he wants. (That's the problem of raising an only child, I guess) He's not interested in fashion, he doesn't want a car yet, he doesn't have any hobbies. He has made noises about wanting a gaming desktop PC, so I've told him that the only way that is going to happen is when he raises the money for it himself.

He does do his chores (under sufferance!) and he is a polite and well-mannered boy, even indoors. We don't get door-slamming, nor do we get many sulks but he does skulk around in his pyjamas for most of the day when not at school.

I'm going to have a look at that NCS website though, maybe the pretty girls on the home page will motivate him eventually.

Still, it could be worse. My husband has a couple of daughters and their teenage years were absolute hell for their parents (and step-mum!)

TheEffect

I used to be a little like that at 16/17. I've found there are two types of people, those who know what they want to do in life/career, and those that just ride the waves.

I'm 23, have a decent degree, and have an okay job working for the government. I've never known what I wanted to do in life or a career, I've just gone with the flow.

In fact, the only thing I've wanted, is to travel and see the world, which I've been quite successful at. I plan on quiting my job next year after saving a little more, and then travelling. Once I run out of money, I'll come back and start again.

Easy come, easy go.

I'll let you know if it all works out in the end...

Your son will be fine.