How do I deal with my teenage son

jess1974

I just wanted to add.....I have a nearly 17 year old son in his first year at sixth form, all through his school life he has been a pain, the class clown etc.
Since May he has worked every weekend in a local cafe, and has just taken on 2 hours a week maths tutoring for a girl in the year below him, he is being paid £10 an hour so v happy....
His sixth form work is up to date and he still manages a social life, please do not despair as i really thought my son was really lazy and would never find work x

kindofagilr

Brighton_belle wrote: »

He's getting into his pyjamas by 5pm? That seems very odd to me.

My first thought was no its not, I am in my PJs when I get the kids from their grandparents and we are coming in from work

But then I think back to when I was 16 and I would be in from school, homework done then out with my mates.

OP has he got any friends he socialises with??

With regards to him not knowing what he wants to do I think that normal, I have no clue what I want to do and I am 32.

If he really hates school so much is there any point in him going back???? would he be interested in an apprenticeship or something else instead?

Buzzybee90

thorsoak wrote: »

As I asked - what do you wear when you clean your toilet?

Today, PJs are leisure wear - I love my soft jersey slouch pants and fleecy top - when I've got a leisurely morning (off work, son walking dogs first thing etc etc) then its lovely just to put them on and have a take-it-easy morning - yet if anyone were to come to the door, I wouldn't feel embarrassed at opening it - wouldn't be in my dressing gown & nighty! After all, we're not talking nylon or old-fahsioned pajamas and frilly shorties here!

Sorry, I don't have specific clothes for cleaning my bathroom as I have a shower straight after so they go in the washing basket.

System

I have a cleaner so don't clean mine in my pjs

gwynlas

You need to stop worrying about his future providing you have given him a loving home and good sense of right and wrong then he should do okay even if it does take him time to find his feet.
You say he is a people person so try and direct him to either part time work in catering/retail or alternatively volunteering perhaps with disabled young people accompanying them to sports clubs cinema etc or charity shop..
As for chores, write up rota. who cooks, washes up sorts out laundry etc.Even if you ,do most domestic chores at the moment get him to cook ,one family meal a week.
He should be able to be self sufficient in alll aspects of life. .
If possible base his allowance on contributions he makes to household.
Agree perhaps college would suit better than school.
if you can afford it offer chance of driving lessons for 17th birthday he could in time become a delivery driver, ambulance driver/paramedic, HGV driver etc
Is it realistic for him to think about working in a gym if he makes no effort to attend one?

meritaten

I am getting so many conflicting messages here! one minute he is a people person - but communicates on Skype. other pupils don't like him he says. doesn't go to parties.
he would like to work in a gym - but doesn't work out! plays games. indoors.
He actually sounds so negative I wonder if he isn't depressed - as in clinically depressed not just 'got the blues'. has he seen the GP lately?

Alye16

A couple of suggestions

• Look at college courses, there maybe a Level 1 BTEC in Sport or alternatively another Level 1, this would give him chance to follow a vocational subject but to also get some basic Maths and English qualifications. He may respond to a different environment.
• Maybe visit a college open day, talk to tutors. There is likely to be a student support department, talk to them about getting extra support.
• Has he seen a careers advisor? his school should be able to help organise this.
• Look at apprenticeships
• Help him plan a goal (Australia trip would be good), look at how much flights etc. will cost. Help him plan how he could save for the trip and how long it will take. This may encourage him to look for part time work.(a college course may work better with part time work than school) Offer cash incentives for completing course, or gaining qualifications as well as housework. Encourage him to open a bank account to watch his savings grow.
• I think you are right to encourage him to stop playing games late at night, teenagers need lots of sleep and tired teenagers are not the easiest to motivate.
• The PJ's wouldn't worry to much, as many people do this.

Good luck,

Bennifred

meritaten wrote: »

I am getting so many conflicting messages here! one minute he is a people person - but communicates on Skype. other pupils don't like him he says. doesn't go to parties.
he would like to work in a gym - but doesn't work out! plays games. indoors.
He actually sounds so negative I wonder if he isn't depressed - as in clinically depressed not just 'got the blues'. has he seen the GP lately?

I thought this! If he is a "people person" then he would surely have friends? :cool:

I wonder if he is self-medicating with computer games as a way to avoid engaging with the world - maybe he should have a chat with his GP. Can't hurt, anyway.

paulineb_2

Bennifred wrote: »

I thought this! If he is a "people person" then he would surely have friends? :cool:

I wonder if he is self-medicating with computer games as a way to avoid engaging with the world - maybe he should have a chat with his GP. Can't hurt, anyway.

If people dont like you, its tough to have friends, it can be mean out there at 16. I cant recall liking high school very much even though I did have friends, it was horribly cliquey

Also, I know people in their 30s who play computer games non stop. I absolutely agree for his sake his life would be more productive if he had some social life, some part time work and more motivation.

But I think if the mum said to him, btw I think you are depressed, go and see your GP, it could make a bad situation worse.

Also, support you get from GP's vary. There are some great ones, there are some not so great. My GPs certainly dont deal with people with depression or anything similar seriously, Ive personal experience of just being told to go away and get on with it and I could cope with that in my late 20s and beyond, just at times.

At 17 if my mum thought I was depressed and tried to get me to see a GP who was then dismissive of it when I didnt think I was depressed in the first place, I might come out of that appointment feeling very crappy.

I think they really need to tread carefully on that one, there is a fine line between being a moody teen and being depressed and it can be a tough one to call.

Bennifred

paulineb wrote: »

.......................................................................................I think they really need to tread carefully on that one, there is a fine line between being a moody teen and being depressed and it can be a tough one to call.

Indeed! Having had three moody teen boys myself I agree with not being too quick to judge, but the OP describes her son as being unmotivated for a very long time. Even if he isn't depressed, anyone would be fed up and have low self-esteem if they were constantly underachieving (for years and years!) and then spending the rest of their time holed up in their room. There must be something he is good at and it needs identifying and encouraging. Or something that motivates him - the Australia visit idea?

I think if I was the OP I would say something to son along the lines of "Were you serious about wanting to go and visit Aunt A and Uncle B? I've ben thinking about it and it is actually a good idea. How shall we make it happen? How much do you think it will cost? Dad and I can't afford to pay for the whole thing, but we'd like to help you get there, so we'll match what you earn/save towards it. You could have your birthday present as cash towards the Australia fund!"

I'd encourage him to sign up with local employment agencies - any job that pays is a step closer to the goal. If he can't be bothered then he isn't that bothered about going.

Driving lessons are a great idea for a 17th birthday present, but I would only pay for the first 5 or 6. If he wants to continue then he needs to find a way to pay for them. If you make life too easy for him he'll never get the motivation to do it for himself - I learned that the hard way!