How to cope with being unlikeable

VestanPance

To be frank I'd say the issue is lack of basic social skills, rather than being an introvert as many suggest.

I work in IT and percentage of the workforce in every place I've worked has had serious issues regarding their social skills. That's all fair and well if you are happy with that, but commonly this manifests into issues that do bother them. The most common of which tends to be their complete inability to form relationships with the opposite sex. Then you get the bleating of the "nice guy", which predominately is just a failure to look at their own failings and projecting that onto these evil unfathomable women folk.

I'm not much of a people person and can happily spend a lot of time on my own, but I have the social skills to adapt to any situation. Just releax and talk to someone like a human and take a bit of interest in what they are saying is all it requires. Acting up, or trying to "fit in" just marks you out as a bit of a nutter. The chances are it's your oen persecptions and social awkwardness that create the issues in the first place.

pukkamum

I find that although I can easily talk or be liked in big groups of people I prefer to be introverted when it comes to myself.
I don't feel the need to tell people every detail of my life, I dont feel the need to be in constant contact with friends, or see them all the time.
I like my own company and that of my husbands, I am fulfilled by my family and don't need anything more.

My best friend and I have known each other for 22yrs and there is still a lot about me she doesn't know, we can go months without seeing each other and it doesn't matter, tk me that is the perfect friendship.
I have had friends in the past who cannot understand why I don't want to be on the phone all the time or seeing them every week and those friendships have gone, thats fine with me, having lots of friends is time consuming and hardwork!

I am happy with the couple of friends I have but quite frankly only having acquaintances would not bother me at all,

Chlorine7

VestanPance wrote: »

To be frank I'd say the issue is lack of basic social skills, rather than being an introvert as many suggest.

I'm not much of a people person and can happily spend a lot of time on my own, but I have the social skills to adapt to any situation. Just releax and talk to someone like a human and take a bit of interest in what they are saying is all it requires. Acting up, or trying to "fit in" just marks you out as a bit of a nutter. The chances are it's your oen persecptions and social awkwardness that create the issues in the first place.

I agree with this. I used to be so shy, it bordered on rude. I wasn't being rude I just couldn't deal with groups of people looking at me when I spoke etc. I still made friends but I wasn't and I am still not bubbly and out-going.

I couldn't even say the words 'How are you?'. They sounded fake and silly because I didn't care how someone was. I learned to say 'you alright?' because it could be construed as a simple hello or how are you and it would be down to the other person to start talking. It also allowed me to just say it while walking past someone.

I have had to learn to fake some things such as the 'how are you?', showing sympathy when I often lack it, asking about people's children, jobs, holidays and pretending it sounds interesting. As I get to know those people I do actually begin to care about their lives, interests and what they're up too. Other times I will flat out tell someone I don't have any interest or any input into the topic they are talking about.

Turns out I now actually come across as sociable and friendly (not words I have ever associated with myself) but I will not put up with BS and people accept that. There are people who I don't see that often and do think I'm strange or I've rubbed up the wrong way but that's life - not everyone will think you're likable.

picklekin

Social skills can't always be learnt (although some CBT did help a little in my case). I suffer from social anxiety disorder, it means I'm often shy and terrified of making social mistakes, this can lead to me acting withdrawn and "odd" or "snobby" or "better than other people" (comments I've actually received), some people just don't understand that its not that I don't want to make everyone in the office a cup of tea, but that I'm terrified that if I do I'll get something wrong and that would be worse! However it does vary from person to person, some people take me for what I am, accept the oddness, we laugh at it In my current work team, not so much and I feel very isolated, but I know I CAN be liked.

Cottage_Economy

I think you can safely say you are not alone Notsosharp, as evidenced by this thread. I also agree with what a lot of people have said on it. Like many others I'm surrounded by people who don't get me and think there's something wrong with me, but I don't give a stuff.

Most of my friends are online, because when it comes to my hobbies and interests like-minded people are spread around quite far from me, and certainly not within my normal social circle.

And as for what others have said about introversion, I agree with that too. I'm massively introverted but play at being extroverted when working. Cannot wait for the evenings usually so I can get in and take of the mask.

Let all introverts unite!
(but quietly, in their own homes, alone with the phone off the hook)

Domayne

There will ALWAYS be people that don't like you...no matter how funny, kind, sweet, generous etc you are...It's just humans...we're very fickle
The majority of people will like you though if you smile like you mean it, make eye contact when you talk to them, be genuinely interested in what they are saying and be somewhat interesting and have something to say, not just one word replies...even if they don't talk to you much, it doesn't mean that they don't 'like' you...just that they can't be bothered to make effort with you because they get nothing out of it....I can't presume to know you or how you come across but I'm not really the most social person either and have anxiety, low self esteem and paranoia which is a bad combination but from what I've learnt from how I personally come across to other people in their opinion, Is that they make an effort...and because I'm so involved with conversations in my head...I'm not really 'with' them...if that makes sense?
A conversation goes two ways so you also need to look at how YOU come across to other people in the conversation, they can't read your mind and figure out your just anxious and not a horrible person...they will go by what actions you show, facial expressions etc...like you say you try to be nice...but maybe they perceive it as disingenuous or like your trying too hard to be nice?

Notsosharp

Thank you for all your replies, it's a relief to know I'm not the only one out there who feels like this.

I really don't think it's lack of social skills, I can be sociable and chatty and friendly, it's just I don't always want to be, I'm not being rude I just find it exhausting.

I saw that book about introverts in Smiths the other week and I did think about buying it but in true MSE style I was going to see if I could get it cheaper elsewhere and me being typical me I promptly forgot about it! But I'll definitely remember now and I'll buy it and give it a read (but it will have to join the queue behind other books!)

And for anyone else doubting themselves on here, for what it's worth I think you're all very nice (given one or two exceptions but no one on this thread) and all your comments have made me very happy

Maybe we should set up our own antisocial !!!!!!s thread on here?

an9i77

You are not alone in being alone, as that song by the police goes (sort of). I've struggled with this issue all my life. I didn't make friends at school like the other kids did, for some reason, and it still hurts to think of that experience I had as a child, wanting to fit in but never managing to. It all stems from that really.
As I've got older, I've got a lot better, but accepted that I will never be one of life's popular people.
I have a few good friends now, a handful rather than a crowd, and that coupled with the fact that I've got my own family will have to be enough for me.
It doesn't help that my partner doesn't have many friends either - however, he doesn't seem to mind that or need them like I do.
I've spent most of my life alienating people but since having therapy a few years ago, which was quite transformational, things are a lot better now. It did used to cause me an inordinate amount of emotional pain though.
I've come to realise now that the people who don't want to be in my life or be there for me aren't worth having, and certainly aren't worth chasing, as used to be my pattern.
I do still wish sometimes that I knew what it was like to be popular and charismatic though. Maybe in the next life.......

Domayne

I'll join your anti-social thread...I might not post too often though *hides in my hermit hole*

I really don't think it's lack of social skills, I can be sociable and chatty and friendly, it's just I don't always want to be, I'm not being rude I just find it exhausting.

I also feel like I can't be bothered too often...and I really hate small talk! I work on a reception desk where the whole building has to walk past me and I find that they say 'good morning' so I say 'good morning' then they say 'how are you?' and I say 'fine thanks and you?' so they take that as an invitation to tell me about the weather (which I really HATE! imagine 100+ people every morning telling you it's raining or shining?! I CAN SEE!) and their life stories and a lot of the time I find...I just don't care? But I try not to be rude so I nod and smile and umm and ahh and ask questions but mostly just let them talk...people like to talk, especially about themselves :rotfl:

lostinrates

Domayne wrote: »

I'll join your anti-social thread...I might not post too often though *hides in my hermit hole*



I :

Rofl.


I'm actually quite social, but I get tired because of health then feel really anti social :D.


I don't think its unreasonable to socialise in a way that's fair to yourself so long as one accepts soMe times friendships require one to push it a bit when friends need / want our presence. Otherwise others feel friendships are unequal.