coworker enquiring about sexuality

kwmlondon

SingleSue wrote: »

I would respond in exactly the same manner, to the first question, "Oh what a lovely present" to the second "Poor thing"

There would be no expression of shock or distaste, I would think it all perfectly normal.

To give a little more attention to your other comment about the assumption that everyone else is like yourself, I always think of everyone else being completely different to me as I don't fit the stereotype for a typical female (handbags, shoes, shopping etc), so I know everyone is different and don't make assumptions.

Well, great for you, but you're seeing the world through your prism. It's very hard to understand someone else's perspective, especially if their life experiences are so very different to your own.

I worked with two people who had been adopted as children. One, a guy, worked for a woman who was very open about her background as an adopted child. When he told her that he was adopted it was in confidence and he assumed that she understood this, but she inadvertently blurted it out in front of an office full of people. The man exploded at a private aspect of his life being revealed and it ended up in a disciplinary matter as he had a meltdown and swore at her.

Was he wrong? Should he have been clearer the fact that his sharing about his being adopted was in confidence? He nearly left the company he was so devestated by this event. This may be down to his background, private education, whatever but there's no doubt it was a real ordeal for him.

Was she wrong for sharing a very private and personal matter? She was very open about her own childhood and had no idea how someone else could see something like that as a private matter. As far as she was concerned he'd behaved totally unreasonably and insulted her in front of work colleagues, she could not see being adopted as something anyone would feel the need to keep private.

In the end they realised that they just had very different perspectives and that nobody was "right" and nobody was "wrong" but they found out the hard way and established a good working relationship afterwards.

Sexuality is the same. If you are open about yours you can't understand how someone else could find the idea of people knowing about your private life terrifying. It's not appropriate just to say "well, just be like me why can't you?" as you may not have the physical and emotional scars that someone else has.

kwmlondon

Apologies if the above post sounds arsy, it's not mean to be - I know we all see the world through our own experiences and perspective. I'm as guilty as anyone else. I just try to be aware of that.

ostrichnomore_2

"If you are open about yours you can't understand how someone else could find the idea of people knowing about your private life terrifying."

I hate people gossiping about me. If I chose to tell them something, I am telling them, that information still is about me and belongs to me, and they shouldn't take it upon themselves to go telling anyone else. If I want person B to know it, I can tell person B myself.

I am quite a private person. It's not that I'm 'terrified' of someone knowing something about my life. I just don't see that it's any of their bloody business. I'm not on Jeremy Kyle, I'm at work, just get on with what you are meant to be doing.

gossips love to try and justify what they do. The prime example was the adoption story. Why is it anyone's business at work whether you were naturally conceived and born, IVF, adopted, or found under the cabbages. It's got nothing to do with work. No-one should be gossiping about you - if YOU want to tell someone something, that's different. Gossip drives me mad. Even if it's harmless. It's still gossip.

kwmlondon

ostrichnomore wrote: »

gossips love to try and justify what they do. The prime example was the adoption story. Why is it anyone's business at work whether you were naturally conceived and born, IVF, adopted, or found under the cabbages. It's got nothing to do with work. No-one should be gossiping about you - if YOU want to tell someone something, that's different. Gossip drives me mad. Even if it's harmless. It's still gossip.

I've worked in some very intense, high-pressure environments where we have to go out together as a team, go on away-days and weekends and training sessions and after a while you just can't talk about work any longer. Honestly, when I managed the team I would only employ people who would fit into a team like that. Now I work in a place where we spend less time forced into such close working with each other, but you don't always have a choice in these matters.

SingleSue

kwmlondon wrote: »

Well, great for you, but you're seeing the world through your prism. It's very hard to understand someone else's perspective, especially if their life experiences are so very different to your own.

I worked with two people who had been adopted as children. One, a guy, worked for a woman who was very open about her background as an adopted child. When he told her that he was adopted it was in confidence and he assumed that she understood this, but she inadvertently blurted it out in front of an office full of people. The man exploded at a private aspect of his life being revealed and it ended up in a disciplinary matter as he had a meltdown and swore at her.

Was he wrong? Should he have been clearer the fact that his sharing about his being adopted was in confidence? He nearly left the company he was so devestated by this event. This may be down to his background, private education, whatever but there's no doubt it was a real ordeal for him.

Was she wrong for sharing a very private and personal matter? She was very open about her own childhood and had no idea how someone else could see something like that as a private matter. As far as she was concerned he'd behaved totally unreasonably and insulted her in front of work colleagues, she could not see being adopted as something anyone would feel the need to keep private.

In the end they realised that they just had very different perspectives and that nobody was "right" and nobody was "wrong" but they found out the hard way and established a good working relationship afterwards.

Sexuality is the same. If you are open about yours you can't understand how someone else could find the idea of people knowing about your private life terrifying. It's not appropriate just to say "well, just be like me why can't you?" as you may not have the physical and emotional scars that someone else has.

You are right, we do see lives through our own prism and that was my point, are own prisms are not exactly the same as others and we think differently. So my reaction would be no reaction as it is perfectly 'normal' (whatever normal is, I'm certainly not!) to me, whereas some others may respond in the way you indicated in my previously quoted post.


If someone wants to talk to me about their sexuality, then fine, if they don't, then also fine. I would never dare ask though or initiate questioning about sexuality, that sort of stuff is private and is up to the person if they want to talk about it regardless of what their sexuality is.

Mind you, I never liked the office gossips, the "Oooohh xxx is sleeping with yyyy did you know" people. Life is too short for that and really does it matter who is sleeping with who?

I'm actually quite a closed person, tend not to do the gossip stuff and don't give much away to others, so I can relate a little to wanting to keep things private.

Edwardia

duchy wrote: »

There isn't any need nowadays to "Come out" most people don't care either way (outside of family in some but not all cases- but we're talking about those you only work with)

Actually I disagree. I'm a female bisexual married to a heterosexual man. When I was the victim of homophobia the police wouldn't even record it because in my local police officer's brain, being a female married to a man automatically makes me heterosexual.

The opposite of being Out is In The Closet, so if you say there's no need to come out, then really isn't that like expressing a wish that all LGBT people were still in the closet ie invisible ?

I'd find questions intrusive, it's up to me to share about my private life and I would leave it to others to do the same if they wished.

I find straight people are often very good at talking the talk, but when faced with a LGBT co-worker or relative they very often do seem to feel it their right to make offensive remarks under the guise of humour. It happens on MSE DT too.

thistledome

Ever since we've had enforced political correctness, people seem to be even more offended than ever. In fact, the only people who aren't walking around in a permanent snit of offendedness are able-bodied white heterosexual males between 25 and 45.

I remember the workplace banter we had in the 1970's. It would get you thrown into jail today, but nobody in our factory was offended. We all laughed our heads off at it.

prowla

tir21 wrote: »

How would you deal with this situation

Recently a female coworker asked me if I was gay and if I fancied men

Is this something someone could get warned about

Is this something one should brush off? Doesnt really bother me that anyone should ask this but should I tell her that someone could take offence and she could potentially get in trouble for such a question

I would've replied either that:
a. I am a generally quite happy person.
b. I am thinking of becoming a lesbian.

sniggings

thistledome wrote: »

Ever since we've had enforced political correctness, people seem to be even more offended than ever. In fact, the only people who aren't walking around in a permanent snit of offendedness are able-bodied white heterosexual males between 25 and 45.

I remember the workplace banter we had in the 1970's. It would get you thrown into jail today, but nobody in our factory was offended. We all laughed our heads off at it.

I agree it can go too far this PC stuff...most of it in fact.

But the workplace stuff I have to disagree with, my last place of work there was one guy that was gay...well probably more but he was the only one that was out, the stick this guy took, yes no one meant any harm so they say but the stuff this poor guy was called, he too laughed along and would have been the last person to complain but it must have been hurtful and this "banter" as it is called got a lot worst when he wasn't in the room, so does suggest it was not banter but passed off as banter.

t0rt0ise

It's a sign of the times that people are starting to ask about sexuality just as they might ask if you have any children or where you live. Nobody thinks those questions are particularly intrusive, we generally just answer them. So it is becoming normal to casually ask about someone's sexuality. It's just another question and a means of getting to know someone. Some people are more old fashioned and see it is inappropriate.. they'll eventually catch up.