Boyfriend bought me a ring but won't let me have it

pebbles88

OP, changing your name will achieve nothing other than reinforcing his idea that you aren't going anywhere, so why propose & get married. How horrid will you feel every time you have to explain you aren't married to people who assume you are just down to the name ? It'd be a fresh hurt every time!

Change wee ones surname to yours, be assertive, you'll feel better & it's a clear sign to him that you aren't prepared to wait for him if he decides he wants to get married.

Which in all honesty, I really don't think he does, I'm sorry. How can you love someone, who so clearly seems to be aware of the hurt he is causing you, but doesn't care to try remedy it?

pebbles88

Person_one wrote: »

Please please don't get your hopes up. If you don't want this to be another disappointing special event, I think you need to tell him that you expect him to propose on this weekend, that you've waited long enough and you are refusing to be fobbed off and kept hanging in limbo anymore.

Then, if he doesn't, you'll know why.

^^^^ this! Nail on the head. X

POPPYOSCAR

Milliebob wrote: »

Apologies for not addressing the question about the finance on the ring. No it isn't paid off, it was taken over three years. So I very much hope that's not what he is waiting for!

And to the people who are asking about sitting down and talking about it, if you read the whole thread you would see that we did in January after the advice on here, and then the further advice was to leave it for a bit as I'd gotten a bit obsessed.

I won a comp to stay in a very posh, very romantic country house hotel which we are going to next Friday, so I'm secretly crossing everything!

Why?

Just go and enjoy the hotel and forget about him proposing.

minerva_windsong

Milliebob wrote: »

Oh and lastly (this will make you spit out your drink) he's always saying things like we'll be married this time next year etc etc and yet... still.... no..... engagement.....

That sounds like something a friend of my OH's said when he proposed to his (now ex) girlfriend, because she was going on and on about getting married - they'd been together on and off quite a long time - and he did it just to 'keep her quiet'. I'm not saying that's what your OH is doing, but if he still has intentions to propose then it's incredibly unfair for him to be holding this over your head.

Having been in your position (I was quite the regular on the 'waiting for a proposal' thread a while ago!) I would not pin all your hopes on the posh hotel. Trust me when I say that way lies madness. I know it is really hard to not read meaning into every little detail but you'll have a much nicer weekend if you try to put it out of your mind.

Just out of asking, would it make any difference if he was waiting until he'd paid off the ring, but he'd told you that's what he was doing?

And I'd change your son's name to yours before I changed mine to his. If he asks why, tell him straight out - because you want to have the same name as your son and he won't commit to getting married.

Brighton_belle

pebbles88 wrote: »

Change wee ones surname to yours, be assertive, you'll feel better & it's a clear sign to him that you aren't prepared to wait for him if he decides he wants to get married.

minerva_windsong wrote: »

And I'd change your son's name to yours before I changed mine to his. If he asks why, tell him straight out - because you want to have the same name as your son and he won't commit to getting married.

Surely she can't just change their child's name with consent from the father?

Person_one

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Surely she can't just change their child's name with consent from the father?

No, not if he's on the birth certificate and has PR.

The name thing's a red herring anyway. Marriage isn't about names its about making an official, legally binding public commitment to another person.

paulineb_2

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Surely she can't just change their child's name with consent from the father?

I wouldnt be changing the childs name full stop. Its just playing games because the man doesn't want to get married.

I understand this isnt good, but reading some other posts the OP has posted elsewhere, shes very keen to get married. He sounds as if he isnt.

Dont go on your weekend away keeping everything crossed. Have the discussion before you go.

Do you really want to spend the next year wondering whether this is the weekend he's going to propose?

Brighton_belle

paulineb wrote: »

I wouldnt be changing the childs name full stop. Its just playing games because the man doesn't want to get married.

Person_one wrote: »

No, not if he's on the birth certificate and has PR.

The name thing's a red herring anyway. Marriage isn't about names its about making an official, legally binding public commitment to another person.

I quite agree - I was just astonished at the casual assumption a mother could change a child's name as though the father was an irrelevance. A child's name on a birth certificate is a legal document.


It seems utter madness to me to buy such an expensive ring you have to pay it off OVER THREE YEARS!!! What skewed priorities. And then to have it sitting there taunting the person you profess to love... if someone did this to a child with a longed for toy it would be easier to see this as manipulative and unloving behaviour.

Bad_Weather

paulineb wrote: »

I wouldnt be changing the childs name full stop. Its just playing games because the man doesn't want to get married.

Glad others brought this up - changing a child's name to try and force/encourage/prompt someone to propose to you???

I'm a bit mental - but is too extreme for me - this seems to be verging on bunny boiler material. :EasterBun

This is a frustrating situation, agree 100% - but everyone needs to step away from the engagement ring and calm down before anyones goes around changing a child's name...

paulineb_2

Bad_Weather wrote: »

Glad others brought this up - changing a child's name to try and force/encourage/prompt someone to propose to you???

I'm a bit mental - but is too extreme for me - this seems to be verging on bunny boiler material. :EasterBun

This is a frustrating situation, agree 100% - but everyone needs to step away from the engagement ring and calm down before anyones goes around changing a child's name...

I think to be fair, it was someone else who suggested she do this.

You know, if the signs are that this man doesnt want to get married, he may have felt pushed into buying the ring and yes it was daft of him to buy it and not give the OP it.

But that doesnt make him the worst person in the world. What is the relationship like day to day? Does he support you? Are you happy?

If the answer to those questions are no more than yes Id also be considering whether I wanted to get married to make things ok between you, I would imagine this issue is upsetting and possibly causing resentment. I just think its incredible that two people who have been together a long time and have a child together cant sit down and make some concrete plans about whether they want to get married or not.

If someone had bought me a ring and still hadnt given it to me 6 months later and it was upsetting me that much, Id be saying, take it back.

Like someone else said, its the elephant in the room and it needs dealt with.