Boyfriend bought me a ring but won't let me have it

shop-to-drop

Person_one wrote: »

Marriage is also about protection in case of separation, not just death.

Marriage is also much less easily undone compared to a will.

heartbreak_star

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

So why does his preference come before yours?

Why not:

"well I'm not a great believer in marriage but heartbreak is so I decided to propose and we're getting married. I'd rather be married and with Heartbreak than not and be with someone else. Or worse have her be with someone else."

Why are you so accommodating to his needs when he isn't accommodating to yours?

To be fair, he is absolutely accommodating to my needs - I am treated incredibly well and I know he loves me - I feel very secure in that.

If I was super-bothered about getting married, I'd ask him and see what he said. As it is...I'd love to marry him, it would be awesome, but it's not a major thing - it might happen eventually

HBS x

duchy

heartbreak_star wrote: »

To be fair, he is absolutely accommodating to my needs - I am treated incredibly well and I know he loves me - I feel very secure in that.

If I was super-bothered about getting married, I'd ask him and see what he said. As it is...I'd love to marry him, it would be awesome, but it's not a major thing - it might happen eventually

HBS x

Is that really true?
I've seen your posts on the waiting for a proposal thread...... and it seems he knows how much you want to be engaged yet won't even contemplate an engagement even if he's not yet ready for marriage.

Whilst I believe it's every couple's decision whether to marry or not -and know some very happy couples who've lived together without marriage for decades.... I do believe it works because BOTH of them want it that way. It does sound a bit like it is his way or no way -and basically he doesn't want to get married and you do - so his wishes matter more. You've said he never wants to get married but you are hopeful he'll have a change of heart despite this. I think in your situation I'd have concerns that if other life changing things come along -like say a move to another country for work, you've set a precedent that his wants will always outweigh yours.

That said I do thing any marriage needs to entered in willingly and not just "because the other half wants to" .

I think there was a lot going for not moving in together until an understanding about marriage if not an actual engagement was reached-so many women seem to assume marriage will be the inevitable eventual outcome....but their men don't think the same and it causes a lot of stress and disappointment.

heartbreak_star

It is true...I reaaaaally want him to propose, but at the same time I don't want him to feel forced into it - it has to be his decision. Plus, I'd feel weird about him having to fund a ring. I'm a madwoman, I know

Have all the concerns you like - and thank you for them - but I really can't see any life-changing decisions coming up. Neither of us want children, or to move to a new area, and we're not exactly teenagers anymore, and I can guarantee they would be talked about - we had a discussion the other night about a possible change of job and working hours in case it would affect us. If you knew me IRL, you'd know there is no way either of us would stand for the "it's my way or the highway" tack.

Marriage wouldn't be life-changing for us - we live together anyway - I just think it would be a nice thing to do.

What I also don't think I've mentioned is that I was fairly anti-marriage before we got together - I was in a relationship for over 10 years, and knew people to get together, married and divorced in that time - and I'm really not sure what's changed my mind I'm not sure he thinks I've changed my mind completely (he's known me for about 15 years).

HBS x

duchy

Maybe you should tell him

Actually just take him to Vegas and maybe on the spur of the moment he'll see it as fun and romantic and do it there and then LOL (and then you can post for advise about how furious everyone is that you didn't invite them !!!! LOL)

Person_one

Engagement rings aren't compulsory, in fact they're rather sexist!

Pollycat

Person_one wrote: »

Engagement rings aren't compulsory, in fact they're rather sexist!

Taking that one step further, can't the same be said of wedding rings?
Not every man wears a wedding ring

My OH doesn't. That doesn't make the fact that I do 'sexist'.

Person_one

Pollycat wrote: »

Taking that one step further, can't the same be said of wedding rings?
Not every man wears a wedding ring

My OH doesn't. That doesn't make the fact that I do 'sexist'.

Wedding rings aren't sexist precisely because both partners wear one. They aren't the stamp of ownership that engagement rings are.

When the man never wears one and the woman does, I like them less.

heartbreak_star

duchy wrote: »

Maybe you should tell him

Actually just take him to Vegas and maybe on the spur of the moment he'll see it as fun and romantic and do it there and then LOL (and then you can post for advise about how furious everyone is that you didn't invite them !!!! LOL)

Haha, he likes fruit machines FAR too much, I'm not sure I'd be able to tear him away from them long enough for Elvis to marry us *chuckles*

HBS x

Mojisola

Person_one wrote: »

Engagement rings aren't compulsory, in fact they're rather sexist!

I agree - I didn't have an engagement ring and, although we both had wedding rings for the ceremony, neither of us wears them.

Buying an engagement ring that's going to take three years to pay off doesn't seem a good use of money to me. A ring is just a symbol of love and commitment - paying a lot for one doesn't mean you're more in love or more committed.