Am I right to be suspicious?

bugslet

paulineb wrote: »

Just ask him. Dont check his phone, dont snoop on his emails, dont drive yourself round the bend trying to look for signs.

Ask him, are you seeing someone else.

paulineb wrote: »

Well if she cant get access to his phone and theres no other evidence that he might be cheating apart from his sudden interest in sex, what is she going to do?

Well sounds like my Oh when he he started seeing someone else, secretive about his phone, then he went and got another one a bit later and sex life perked up no end.

If I had asked my OH if he was having an affair, he would have flat out denied it. Gut feeling after a few weeks told me something was going on, so I hunted, found his other phone, dug around and found out where she lived and that he was staying there overnight ( he worked away at the time). I confronted him and he denied it. But at that point I had proof - makes life a lot simpler really. If I had asked him in the first place and he denied it all that would have happened was him being more secretive and me being more confused.

In 19 years I had never looked at his phone or done any checking but when that gut feeling kicks in, it's usually based on something and I don't see anything wrong with getting confirmation by any means.

Cotta

bugslet wrote: »

Well sounds like my Oh when he he started seeing someone else, secretive about his phone, then he went and got another one a bit later and sex life perked up no end.

If I had asked my OH if he was having an affair, he would have flat out denied it. Gut feeling after a few weeks told me something was going on, so I hunted, found his other phone, dug around and found out where she lived and that he was staying there overnight ( he worked away at the time). I confronted him and he denied it. But at that point I had proof - makes life a lot simpler really. If I had asked him in the first place and he denied it all that would have happened was him being more secretive and me being more confused.

In 19 years I had never looked at his phone or done any checking but when that gut feeling kicks in, it's usually based on something and I don't see anything wrong with getting confirmation by any means.

Are you still with him?

bugslet

Affair lasted about four months and yes we got back together, tough at first but if the person that has had an affair is willing to put the work in then it's retrievable. We had some happy times once it was over, and over is not just when he doesn't see or talk to her again, over is when you can both move forward.

I think there's a big difference in someone that is a serial adulterer and somone that makes a mistake after 19 years.

I meant to say OP, that I hope everything works out for you, ideally that there is an innocent explanation.

Cotta

bugslet wrote: »

Affair lasted about four months and yes we got back together, tough at first but if the person that has had an affair is willing to put the work in then it's retrievable. We had some happy times once it was over, and over is not just when he doesn't see or talk to her again, over is when you can both move forward.

I think there's a big difference in someone that is a serial adulterer and somone that makes a mistake after 19 years.

I meant to say OP, that I hope everything works out for you, ideally that there is an innocent explanation.

I'm glad everything worked out for you and best wishes for the future.

purrrcat

bugslet wrote: »

Well sounds like my Oh when he he started seeing someone else, secretive about his phone, then he went and got another one a bit later and sex life perked up no end.

If I had asked my OH if he was having an affair, he would have flat out denied it. Gut feeling after a few weeks told me something was going on, so I hunted, found his other phone, dug around and found out where she lived and that he was staying there overnight ( he worked away at the time). I confronted him and he denied it. But at that point I had proof - makes life a lot simpler really. If I had asked him in the first place and he denied it all that would have happened was him being more secretive and me being more confused.

In 19 years I had never looked at his phone or done any checking but when that gut feeling kicks in, it's usually based on something and I don't see anything wrong with getting confirmation by any means.

Couldn't agree more to this. I had no suspicions until I found a rather suspicious Christmas card in his jacket pocket - and no I wasn't snooping, I was organising the dry cleaning run.
I confronted him and he still denied it and told me they were friends, so I would strongly advise some sort of concrete proof before I did anything.

opinions4u

Trust your gut.

*Louise*

bugslet wrote: »

In 19 years I had never looked at his phone or done any checking but when that gut feeling kicks in, it's usually based on something and I don't see anything wrong with getting confirmation by any means.

Its always that gut feeling isn't it? I always feel a little investigating is best before a confrontation. It's too easy for someone to make you feel like you are being stupid/crazy when you have no evidence.

My ex was got very moody and withdrawn, although he was being treated for depression I had a bad feeling. He had a lock on his phone which I didn't know the code to and when I checked his facebook he had changed the password (we had always been open with that sort of thing, I knew his, he knew mine but neither of us had bothered using them before)

I did confront him, and he denied there was anthing dodgy going on and he had just decided he 'wanted some privacy'. OK. So I simply asked who XXX was. He hadn't changed his email and there were alerts in the trash saying 'XXX replied to your message'

Turns out he had got in touch with someone who he liked at school and they had been messaging each other constantly for a couple of weeks. He had deleted most messages so there was only 2 days worth (since he changed the password) but it was enough for me to see the flirting that was happening and the rest was left to my imagination. They hadn't met up and nothing had happened but the lies he told to cover himself stopped me trusting him.


Sorry for rattling on....my point was - check it out first, and have some proof if you can. Some people can lie really convincingly.

hazyjo

paulineb wrote: »

Well if she cant get access to his phone and theres no other evidence that he might be cheating apart from his sudden interest in sex, what is she going to do?

1. See if his phone's on silent (send a joke, text, anything). If you have to, send a text then say I've just sent you a text as my texts to [WHOEVER] keep bouncing and I don't know if it's my phone or their's.

2. Look for second phone (as mentioned above) (he'll get one eventually and leave it somewhere he can access it and you're unlikely to look). Notice if it's the bathroom or the bedroom or wherever that he dives to on a more regular basis than usual - that's where the phone will be.

3. Follow him (in someone else's car).

4. Think about who it might be. Someone at work? Do some sleuthing - check their FB, see if they mention him, check their friend's pics if you can. Anything.

5. If he says he's somewhere - check up on him. See if his car's in the gym car park, if he says he's out with a mate, or round their house, ring his mate's no if you have it. Say his phone was dead so you tried X's number instead.

My ex tried desperately to get back with me, so my mum checked out his work car park and his car was there - she'd picked him up and we knew they were still seeing each other. After lots of denial, he finally admitted it. I'd given up by then anyway and it's not like anything had been rekindled between us (but I had said to him I would think about it in three months' time if he wasn't still seeing her - no guarantees).

Jx

ostrichnomore_2

"It SEEMS obvious, but when you're actually wearing those shoes, you don't want to believe it. You really don't want to chuck it all away on a suspicion. Who have you ever heard leave their partner because they suspected they had cheated?! They will make you look like the crazy/guilty party unless you actually have proof/catch them and have a reason to split up."

This is so true. I knew, deep down, but I had no hard proof (although the circumstantial evidence was pretty damning) and didn't want to take action till I had some.

I stopped confronting him over it as he wasn't going to admit it and I didn't want him to start being extra careful. I tried to find harder evidence.I even took some advice here and got a private detective to scout out something suspicious for me on one occasion hoping, in a horrible way, to find something to make my mind up for me - but they came up with nothing as I couldn't afford enough of their time to cover the whole weekend. I wish I had trusted myself more. But you always hope you are wrong. and you second guess yourself. There were a few times when I should have jumped in the car and followed him and sod what might have happened if he'd seen me.

Like someone else said, he denied it all even when he left me - to openly live with the other woman! Drove me nuts till he finally confessed 7 months later.

alias*alibi

Dilemma001 wrote: »

Hello All,

Using a new username for obvious reasons...

I'm hoping I'm wrong but could do with a second opinion.

Hubby and I have been married for 8 years, have 2 great kids and (I believe) a content family life. Things have been quite stagnant in the bedroom department for the last few years though, mainly because OH works a lot (always has) and is often very tired (I also work full time). I've asked him if he still finds me attractive and he says yes (I have kept myself in good shape and am smaller now (size 8) than before I was pregnant (size 10).

Over the last few weeks, he has taken to keeping his phone on him all the time, whereas before he would leave it lying around everywhere and even forget to take it out with him sometimes. I don't think it's my imagination, but he also seems to be quite secretive when he is using the phone.

In addition, things seem to have changed for the better in the bedroom department too. He's recently become much more interested in bed and has also become somewhat more 'adventurous' (he has always been quite attentive, if a bit predicable). This new-found energy and desire is good from my point of view, but it's also got me a bit worried as it's out of character for him.

So what do others think? I am right to be suspicious in suspecting he may be playing away or am I just being paranoid? Any advice is welcome as I'm driving myself mad thinking it over and over! Cheers!

Haven't had chance to read all the replies but I wound be suspicious as this is how it started with my husband; plus always trust your gut instinct! It very rarely fails you.

Edited to say the other signs for me was him losing his temper all the time over trivial things and when I caught him smirking at his phone he would say his work mate emailed him a joke; it was the OW texting him. Also he mentioned her name in a few conversations which made me question why he thought I would be interested in what she had said/done at work. Little things add up to the bigger picture.