Am I right to be suspicious?

System

hazyjo wrote: »

All these saying 'ask him outright'... have you ever done that and got an honest answer?!

My ex left saying 'I just don't love you any more' - despite me strongly suspecting and asking if he was seeing someone (even named who I knew it was). He still denied it. Eventually he told my mum! (I was 30. He was 37.)

When I suspected someone else of cheating on me, I read his texts. Was there in b&w and he was straight out the door.

Can't imagine anyone admitting it when asked! Maybe if they're actually looking to leave, but not if they're having a fling/texting someone things they shouldn't.

Jx

Have to agree

I outright asked my ex if he was seeing someone else. He flat out denied it and made it out like I was going crazy for even suggesting it (he too had a strong attachment to his phone). We eventually split for good when I walked in on him kissing the woman he'd struck up a close "friendship" with. He left me for her. Quite frankly though, and I couldn't see it at the time, it was the best thing he did. She's welcome to him. Oh and I found out he cheated on her after a few months too but that her problem not mine.

I doubt many many would admit to it unless they were planning to leave

hazyjo

Mojisola wrote: »

I wouldn't necessarily expect an honest answer but I hope I would know him well enough to know whether he was lying or not.

I knew my ex was lying... but what can you do? Leave your husband because you suspect there may be someone else and you know he's lying about something? Nobody would leave them or boot them out without proof. There was a marriage and a house at stake, and, in other cases, often children.

First clue I had was 'miss you already' on one of his texts (no, I wasn't snooping, it was before I even used texts and the silly s0d showed me his new phone to look at. I was paranoid and extremely eagle-eyed after that, and wouldn't let him near me until he brought me his phone records in from work (he never did) and even two months later when he told me he was leaving me, he was still denying it!

Jx

paulineb_2

His phone could be locked. Its easy enough to lock a phone.

My ex told me he was cheating on me during a row, I wouldnt have suspected a thing, we didnt live together and he didnt have a mobile, probably still doesnt.

Guilt gets to a lot of people in the end.

hazyjo

PS Just to add - I would never put myself through that again by telling someone I suspect. I would ALWAYS look for proof first. There's nowt worse than being made out to be a paranoid wife from hell. And once they know you're suspicious, they will cover their tracks even better. Catch them before they even suspect that you suspect - and have that proof ready.

Oh, and before anyone thinks I'm man-bashing, I'm not lol! I know it takes two, the woman my ex went off with was also married, and I know women can be as bad (if not worse!) than men. I'm just saying it from my POV/experience (can give probably worse examples of women I know who've done the same thing).

Jx

Cotta

Disappointing to learn about the number of people who have been cheated on.

FBaby

hazyjo wrote: »

PS Just to add - I would never put myself through that again by telling someone I suspect. I would ALWAYS look for proof first. There's nowt worse than being made out to be a paranoid wife from hell. And once they know you're suspicious, they will cover their tracks even better. Catch them before they even suspect that you suspect - and have that proof ready.

Oh, and before anyone thinks I'm man-bashing, I'm not lol! I know it takes two, the woman my ex went off with was also married, and I know women can be as bad (if not worse!) than men. I'm just saying it from my POV/experience (can give probably worse examples of women I know who've done the same thing).

Jx

Totally agree with this post. By the time one usually brave asking face to face, they are usually already full of doubts and questioning their own sanity, let alone after they get a response and they start questioning if the truth had been said. I rather wonder and look to prove myself right or wrong without raising supsicions than feeling even more like a fool wondering if he is totally taking the micky out of me and yet not being able to make any decision before of not being certain. It would be especially worrying if it turned out that he wasn't lying, I can imagine the big bomb that would leave in our relationship.

Padstow

Dilemma001 wrote: »

Hello All,

Using a new username for obvious reasons...

I'm hoping I'm wrong but could do with a second opinion.

Hubby and I have been married for 8 years, have 2 great kids and (I believe) a content family life. Things have been quite stagnant in the bedroom department for the last few years though, mainly because OH works a lot (always has) and is often very tired (I also work full time). I've asked him if he still finds me attractive and he says yes (I have kept myself in good shape and am smaller now (size 8) than before I was pregnant (size 10).

Over the last few weeks, he has taken to keeping his phone on him all the time, whereas before he would leave it lying around everywhere and even forget to take it out with him sometimes. I don't think it's my imagination, but he also seems to be quite secretive when he is using the phone.

In addition, things seem to have changed for the better in the bedroom department too. He's recently become much more interested in bed and has also become somewhat more 'adventurous' (he has always been quite attentive, if a bit predicable). This new-found energy and desire is good from my point of view, but it's also got me a bit worried as it's out of character for him.

So what do others think? I am right to be suspicious in suspecting he may be playing away or am I just being paranoid? Any advice is welcome as I'm driving myself mad thinking it over and over! Cheers!

There are many signs but is he kind to you at present? One giveaway always with my ex was how he treated me while his attention was diverted, whether it got to the sex stage with them or not.
When there was someone else, he was horrible, picking fault with everything from bones in the trout for dinner to what I watched on the television, I could do no right.

You haven't mentioned how he is day to day with you.

hazyjo

Padstow wrote: »

There are many signs but is he kind to you at present? One giveaway always with my ex was how he treated me while his attention was diverted, whether it got to the sex stage with them or not.
When there was someone else, he was horrible, picking fault with everything from bones in the trout for dinner to what I watched on the television, I could do no right.

You haven't mentioned how he is day to day with you.

Totally agree - I mentioned earlier about them being snappier. I remember my ex was changing the tailpipe on my old Beetle and I went out and asked if he wanted a cuppa. As I walked away, I said 'mind your head on that bit there' (something was sticking out just above his head' and he went mental at me (very out of character). I remember driving off very confused after he'd sorted it. Didn't know what I'd done wrong.

On the other hand, there'll be extremes the other way - putting themselves out for you, guilt-presents, etc, bending over backwards.

And distant little looks where you ask what they're thinking about cos they look away with the fairies.

It SEEMS obvious, but when you're actually wearing those shoes, you don't want to believe it. You really don't want to chuck it all away on a suspicion. Who have you ever heard leave their partner because they suspected they had cheated?! They will make you look like the crazy/guilty party unless you actually have proof/catch them and have a reason to split up.

Jx
PS He did actually hit his head on the metal bit by the tailpipe

Mayflower10cat

Slightly different angle here - do you have a joint bank account or are your finances separate. If joint, Can you go back and look for unexpected/unaccounted spending on his card. Two friends whose husbands were 'playing away' longterm were finally caught out when they checked their bank statements. Debits for Bars/restaurants that they went to regularly anyway, appeared on dates when they claimed they'd been elsewhere.
If your sex life has picked up and as you say, he's very precious about his phone, I'd hazard a guess he's looking at online !!!!!!.

paulineb_2

Well if she cant get access to his phone and theres no other evidence that he might be cheating apart from his sudden interest in sex, what is she going to do?