Fallen out of love with my wife

paulineb_2

matt_haw wrote: »

Not quite, if I could have them I probably would leave, as I can't I'm trying to decide whether it's in everyone's long-term best interests for us to split.


That makes a lot of sense to me, thanks.

I think you need to make that decision soon and to be honest I think even if you stay together, you might have a lot of work to do to repair the hurt thats been caused by what you said last week.

fairy_lights

matt_haw wrote: »

Not quite, if I could have them I probably would leave, as I can't I'm trying to decide whether it's in everyone's long-term best interests for us to split.

Even if you could get together with the other person, do you really think it would be a wise move to go straight from an 11 year marriage in to a new relationship?

matt_haw

bugslet wrote: »

I'm reading this as he was falling out of love and then started noticing others

It's definitely that way round.

tea_lover

matt_haw wrote: »

It's definitely that way round.

So you'd fallen out of love with your wife but were happy to go on living together and getting all the benefits of a family life until you saw someone else. Then suddenly the grass seems oh so much greener and you tell your wife you don't love her.

What a coward.

paulineb_2

matt_haw wrote: »

Not quite, if I could have them I probably would leave, as I can't I'm trying to decide whether it's in everyone's long-term best interests for us to split.


That makes a lot of sense to me, thanks.

Your wife shouldnt be seen as someone to stay with because you cant have someone else. Shes the person who should be the first priority in your life and the fact that shes not and you are talking about if you could have someone else you would go, I dont think really you have much deciding to do.

Shes not some kind of consolation prize because you cant be with someone else you want to be with, she deserves much better than that.

I think it would be in her long term interests if you left, given that you seem to be prioritising someone else over her you arent even in a relationship with.

matt_haw

paulineb wrote: »

I dont know, as I said before, I think a better way to deal with all of this would have been to face his own issues in counselling and then make a decision about whether to stay in the marriage or not.

Dropping a bombshell of I dont love you anymore and expecting someone to live under the same roof and in a sort of limbo is in my view extremely selfish and cruel as well.

Its like Ive got all this off my chest, I feel better now, which the OP said that he did, what about her and how she feels? The damage might be done now anyway, many people might not be able to recover from being told their significant other doesnt love them anymore

That may be fair comment in hindsight but I did have some 1-1 online sessions with Relate which helped clarify what I was feeling. I read a book they recommended on this which advised to deal with things honestly and openly. I was getting snappy with my wife and son because of everything, so I felt it was best to get things out in the open so we could address it together.

paulineb_2

matt_haw wrote: »

It's definitely that way round.

Its not really relevant which way round it is. The fact that youve clearly said if someone else wanted you you'd be off, its clear you really dont want to be with your wife any longer.

The decent thing to do would be to come clean about your feelings for someone else and see what your wifes reaction to that would be.

At the moment, shes getting half a story.

purrrcat

OP please think very carefully about what you decide to do.

I have been in a very similar situation where my Husband thought he had fallen out of love with me and was attracted to another woman. He swore they were just friends but later ended up living with this woman.
Two years on he realised it was all a huge mistake and he really loved me. Unfortunately, my life had moved on by then.

paulineb_2

matt_haw wrote: »

That may be fair comment in hindsight but I did have some 1-1 online sessions with Relate which helped clarify what I was feeling. I read a book they recommended on this which advised to deal with things honestly and openly. I was getting snappy with my wife and son because of everything, so I felt it was best to get things out in the open so we could address it together.

But you havent told her that your feelings for someone else are so strong you'd leave her if the other woman could be with you.

Its really unfair to drop the I dont love you bombshell on someone and leave them to it when theres another person involved.

Amanda65

Do you know OP I have been married for 25 years this year and - this may shock you - sometimes it's been a bit boring! OH and I have 3 children and have been through the gamut of loss of a parent, redundancy (more than once!), financial difficulties and many other 'curve balls' that life throws at you. There have been lots of times I have wondered if it is all there is to life and wondered if we should call it a day and I am sure OH has as well but, and here's the key, we've never felt like it at the same time and so have somehow muddled through.

In amongst the above there has also been lots of fun, laughter, love and geuine respect for each other and we have always pulled it back from the brink by realising that we both are heading in the same direction with the same goals and not giving in to fantasy lives that may or may not exist with other people. At the end of the day, one persons pair of skiddy underpants on the bathroom floor look pretty similar to anothers

Life is tough and boring and I cannot imagine the strain of trying for a baby and then adoption has put on you both but I am pretty certain that several years into any relationship it's pretty much the same the world over.

Small children are hard work, tiring and a passion killer but you have to both work to get beyond that. I cannot imagine the damage you have done by telling your wife you no longer love her but if you have one iota of affection or respect for her - and for that poor little boy who has already had an unsteady start to his life - you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and work out how you can make the situation better. If it is genuinely over then at least know you have done everything in your power to try and salvage a marriage with a woman who, as someone else said, you loved enough 18 months ago to adopt a child with.