Fallen out of love with my wife

pops5588

All I'll say is when I was a child my father told my mother he didn't love her anymore and then continued to come home for his dinner, sleep in the spare room, behave ambiguously in therapy sessions etc.

In the end my mum got enough strength to pack his stuff and say you're either in or out.

I hope that you find what you need from Relate but if you want to go, just go. You sound like you have no interest in attempting to reignite the spark.

How you handle this situation could have a big impact on your future relationship with your son. I don't speak to my father. Tread carefully.

paulineb_2

And if you are repeatedly interested in other people, perhaps its time for you to end the marriage, leave your wife to be free and you as well so you can find the person who would be a better fit for you than your wife seems to be.

LE3

You need to work out if the woman you married & have a child with is worth a bit of effort or if actually you are just looking for a quick fling/bit of excitement elsewhere/greener grass

Counselling will help - what you really need is to start "dating" each other again - get a baby sitter, go out for dinner or do something you both enjoy & talk, about stuff that matters, not the laundry or what's for tea. Find the spark that was once there - it will still be there but needs waking up again! Make her feel special, surprise her & just see what happens!

heartbreak_star

I'm going to stick my neck out a bit here and say that, as someone who fell out of love with her ex (11 years together) I sympathise with both you and your wife. I felt desperately sorry that I hurt my ex but you can't help how you feel.

However, the big difference with us was that there were no children involved. Please do tread carefully and think hard - it took me nearly 2 years to end it.

HBS x

SavingPennies_2

matt_haw wrote: »

Not that precisely, as the other person has her own issues which means it's not going anywhere. I have told my wife I have been tempted from time to time. I will mention in our Relate session that this has happened recently too.

I have been trying hard to separate out the two issues, which is why I'm just treating that as a symptom of the main problem, and that it's not about this other person specifically, but the fact I do keep being interested in other people which tells me I'm missing something. It's not about sex or having an affair though.

If it did come to the worst, I do hope she does find someone else.

So really the reason you arent leaving her for someone else is becasue you cant have the other person...

You need to forget about this other woman, all other women, for now and focus on relate and speaking to your wife. you need to give this a proper shot before you throw in the town for the sake of your new son.

I think there will be work needed on both sides, perhaps she is so caught up with your new son you are feeling sidelined.

Youve been working for 8 years on being parents, now you need to also work on becoming a couple again

pelirocco

paulineb wrote: »

And if you are repeatedly interested in other people, perhaps its time for you to end the marriage, leave your wife to be free and you as well so you can find the person who would be a better fit for you than your wife seems to be.

Until life throws another curve ball at him ?

Marriage is an investment , you get out what you put in ( aimed at OP not you btw ) A few years down the line you will find its same !!!! just a different location

matt_haw

SavingPennies wrote: »

So really the reason you arent leaving her for someone else is becasue you cant have the other person...

Not quite, if I could have them I probably would leave, as I can't I'm trying to decide whether it's in everyone's long-term best interests for us to split.

SavingPennies wrote: »

Youve been working for 8 years on being parents, now you need to also work on becoming a couple again

That makes a lot of sense to me, thanks.

bugslet

I'm reading this as he was falling out of love and then started noticing others, apologies if that is the wrong way round.

I'd hang fire and give the Relate sessions a good chance, put your heart and soul into it and see what happens. At the end you might find that you have re-discovered whatever attracted you in the first place with some work and it is worth working at. Put any other thoughts of anyone else out of your mind for the time being, you can only really focus on one person.

However, if you cannot feel anything more than going through the motions, then you it's wrong for you and for her to maintain a relationship that is in essence over. You have an obligation to the child and to her in terms of finance and emotional support because you jointly decided to adopt. As a child of parents who were unhappily married, I'd much rather they could have decided to split up rather than live seperate lives under one roof.

claire16c

LE3 wrote: »

You need to work out if the woman you married & have a child with is worth a bit of effort or if actually you are just looking for a quick fling/bit of excitement elsewhere/greener grass

Counselling will help - what you really need is to start "dating" each other again - get a baby sitter, go out for dinner or do something you both enjoy & talk, about stuff that matters, not the laundry or what's for tea. Find the spark that was once there - it will still be there but needs waking up again! Make her feel special, surprise her & just see what happens!

I agree are you sure you've 'fallen out of love' or are you just not able to act like love sick teenagers anymore since the realities of having a child and being with the same person for a long time have set in.

I think you need to see if you can get the spark & love back first.

You can't say you've tried to do that if you're thinking about flings with other women.

It's normal to look at other people & fancy them etc you can't say for sure it wouldn't be exactly the same with them once you've argued over the washing up or who needs to put the bins out etc

If you split up it needs to be completely separate from anything to do with this other person.

paulineb_2

pelirocco wrote: »

Until life throws another curve ball at him ?

Marriage is an investment , you get out what you put in ( aimed at OP not you btw ) A few years down the line you will find its same !!!! just a different location

Possibly, but dare I say it if thats how someone deals with the tough times, they are going to have to work on changing that.

Or maybe they might not want to, I would expect some people always deal with the tough times by looking elsewhere.

It is possible that the looking at other people is a symptom that things really arent right between the OP and his wife, but he would only know if he deals with the curveballs by wanting out if it happened to him again.

I dont know, as I said before, I think a better way to deal with all of this would have been to face his own issues in counselling and then make a decision about whether to stay in the marriage or not.

Dropping a bombshell of I dont love you anymore and expecting someone to live under the same roof and in a sort of limbo is in my view extremely selfish and cruel as well.

Its like Ive got all this off my chest, I feel better now, which the OP said that he did, what about her and how she feels? The damage might be done now anyway, many people might not be able to recover from being told their significant other doesnt love them anymore