Fallen out of love with my wife

matt_haw

JoW123 wrote: »

You need to feel in love again, you've had a recent temptation that could be more?? Are you saying you have someone 'waiting in the wings' so to speak? Because that is a completely different situation to walking away from a marriage to be on your own.

I thought there might be something that could develop but unlikely. I'm now treating that more as a symptom of an underlying problem at home TBH. It's made me think that there must be a reason for feeling like this about others, and that's likely to just continue, so I'm not waiting for an alternative choice, I'm trying to make a decision now, which may end up with me being on my own. I'm no ladies man, believe me!

nickj_2

The course of love and marriage is full of ups and downs , good times , bad times , happy and sad , it's life , it's how you deal with things that is what counts ,
you say that you're missing something to rescue , surely giving your son a great family life is that thing , your son it at an age when you can get involved with his life , presumably he's going to pre-school , why not get involved with that , if it has a committee running it etc etc

is your marriage worth fighting for or do you think the grass is greener elsewhere , chances are it probably isn't . if you didn't have a spark of love for your wife then perhaps your recent temptation would have lead to more , but you held back ........ perhaps you should try and rediscover that spark , just think about how you could get there

JoW123

matt_haw wrote: »

I thought there might be something that could develop but unlikely. I'm now treating that more as a symptom of an underlying problem at home TBH. It's made me think that there must be a reason for feeling like this about others, and that's likely to just continue, so I'm not waiting for an alternative choice, I'm trying to make a decision now, which may end up with me being on my own. I'm no ladies man, believe me!

Something is missing from your marriage which you do need to work on whether via counselling or finding another shared goal. Myself and my ex husband went through 3 rounds of IVF which failed and it broke us. We loved each other but went our separate ways. I met someone else and had 2 children but he was not an 1/8 of the man my ex husband was, and four years ago I became a single parent. I know that the grass is not greener, and regret some of the choices I made. I know what fertility treatment does to you both, and sparks with other people often turn into damp squibs rather than fireworks.

dandelionclock30

I do believe you are no ladies man. Its not very attractive to a woman a man who leaves his wife with a little child because hes not in love anymore.A lot of women would just think you would do the same to them.

paulineb_2

As I said on another thread, its fine to have feelings for someone if you are with someone else, its what you do about them that matters. This other person who has feelings for you, I assume they know you are married with a 3 year old child. In that persons shoes, Id be backing well off.

You dont know how a relationship would develop with this person, you dont know if you would be happier with them and you dont know what life would be like in the cold light of day once youve moved out and left your wife and child and also, even if you and that person did get together, its not really wise to leave a long relationship and go straight into another one, not fair on them, you or your wife and child.

Its very easy to feel that life would be much easier with someone else day to day and I would imagine that if you feel your marriage is dead then having someone else who you care about and who cares for you might help with the crappier bits of the break up.

But right now you arent free to move on so you really need to try and separate these feelings for that other person, decide whether your marriage is worth saving or not and then move on, either with your wife or without

And also if you dont love and want to be with your wife anymore, she also deserves to be happy, either on her own or with someone else.

paulineb_2

Have you told your wife theres someone else you have feelings for and they you?

If not, you're probably leaving her to think this is all her fault when theres actually a third party thats partially influencing these Im not in love with you anymore feelings.

Gigglepig

Adoption as well as fertility treatment can put strain on the relationship. And the responsibility of becoming a parent, it is a big change for any couple. Are you sure it isn't "life" that has dragged you down recently, not your partner?

It sounds like you have had a good relationship overall but have gone through several stressful life events. Perhaps it may help to look at any stress factors in your life, seee how it may have impacted your relationship?

Also have you considered whether your expectations are realistic - successful marriages does not mean feeling all lovey dovey in love every day, there are ups and downs. And life sucks some times.

I hope you can work things out. I feel sorry for your child, going through adoption only 18 months ago and now facing this turmoil?

matt_haw

paulineb wrote: »

Have you told your wife theres someone else you have feelings for and they you?

Not that precisely, as the other person has her own issues which means it's not going anywhere. I have told my wife I have been tempted from time to time. I will mention in our Relate session that this has happened recently too.

I have been trying hard to separate out the two issues, which is why I'm just treating that as a symptom of the main problem, and that it's not about this other person specifically, but the fact I do keep being interested in other people which tells me I'm missing something. It's not about sex or having an affair though.

If it did come to the worst, I do hope she does find someone else.

Brighton_belle

Right, so 18 months ago, you considered your relationship so stable and long term, you adopted a little boy. Someone gave up their little boy in the belief and hope he would have a better family life than they could offer.... and now you are looking to renege on that commitment?


Love is an active verb, not just feelings.

paulineb_2

matt_haw wrote: »

Not that precisely, as the other person has her own issues which means it's not going anywhere. I have told my wife I have been tempted from time to time. I will mention in our Relate session that this has happened recently too.

I have been trying hard to separate out the two issues, which is why I'm just treating that as a symptom of the main problem, and that it's not about this other person specifically, but the fact I do keep being interested in other people which tells me I'm missing something. It's not about sex or having an affair though.

If it did come to the worst, I do hope she does find someone else.

I didnt think you would have to be honest and thats not really fair on your wife, because youve hit her with this I dont love you anymore bombshell, theres another person you have feelings for and she you and your wife doesnt have a clue.

Tbh, I think long term, the pair of you living in the same house isnt a good idea, Im not surprised its strained at the moment.

Perhaps it would have been a better idea to start some counselling on your own and work out whether you wanted to separate before telling your wife you didnt love her anymore and expecting you to live under the same roof until you make your mind up what you want to do long term.

Perhaps if the IVF helped destroy your sex life, you should have had counselling at that stage before you decided to adopt a child.