OS Singlies - We Do It Our Way!

ellie99

JKS, I can only second what Elona has already said.

"She was just being kind, as that's her way"...really???
well that's a personality trait totally lost on her husband then!
He sounds the total opposite of kind.

I know it's easy to say, but it does seem as though you are better off without them, what a nasty pair they sound.

Maybe retreating indoors for a while wouldn't be such a bad thing. Myself, I'm a bit on the introverted side of the scale, and I'm actually quite happy to stay in in the winter, I find I don't need heaps of company (although when I do meet up with people it's very nice!)
I prefer going out and about in the summer.

I don't know how you feel about it, but maybe you can spend the winter just taking care of JKS, (and two stroppy teenagers, of course )

I just don't understand how these people can't see the lovely JKS that us virtual peeps can see :grouphug:

ellie99

I'm very happy today, got up early to go to work, and was told work was cancelled due to all the flooding in my area.

Had to take a long detour to get home from work last night, so very glad I don't have to go out today

Only wish I'd got the text BEFORE I'd got out of bed :rotfl:

LavenderBees

JustKeepSwimming wrote: »

I have another funny story to tell, concerning my ex-friend. I have seen her around a few times since she dumped me as a friend - isn't that always the way; seeing someone whom you'd really rather not see everywhere . But each time had been fine; she'd tooted her horn & waved while driving past me, she'd yelled a hello as she was getting onto the train I was getting off, so I thought we would be fine as acquaintances.

Last weekend I met her husband in the library as we were both collecting kids from the monthly bookclub, so I said hello as I went in to return a few books. He grabbed my arm & told me he wanted a word, then gave me a humiliating dressing down in front of everyone there, adults & children . It seemed to go on for hours although it was probably only minutes & the take home messages were "Who the F did I think I was giving his wife a hard time?" & "Why would I think his beautiful, talented, gorgeous wife would ever want to hang about with a stupid, fat loser like me? She was just being kind, as that's her way".

Those were his exact words - they are now seared into my memory for eternity.

It was utterly demoralising - more so as nobody, not even the library staff, said anything to stop his tirade even when he was swearing. I'm just thankful that DS didn't hear it, & that he bought my excuse that my contact lenses were playing up & that's why my eyes were watering. Thank goodness for the self-absorbedness of teens

His wife sent me text to apologise on his behalf the next day - apparently he's under a lot of stress at work & exhausted. Oh, the poor lamb, that's fine then :rotfl:

I'm not planning on doing anything about this - I shall just ignore both of them if I see them out. It has rocked my already low level of confidence though, & I didn't think it could get much lower. It has certainly put me off going out anywhere, not that I'm awash with invitations, but now I think I'll retire gracefully from the world & stay in, alone, for the rest of my life. Obviously I'll still go out with my kids, & I'll still have to go to work but that'll be it.

I don't think I can take any more criticism for just being me.

Hope all of you are OK in this dreadful weather - fingers crossed for all of you further north than me.

I’m really sorry you’ve had another bad experience, JKS, and I hope it goes without saying that I absolutely do NOT condone any attack on you, verbal or otherwise. Please though, don't feel that this sort of thing only happens to you. It doesn’t. I’m afraid it is all part and parcel of being a human being, albeit an unacceptable part.

All kinds of personal attacks happen day in day out, and my own have left me shaken, not to mention upset, and wanting to retire from humanity, but that’s not really practical, and I think the key thing is how we handle these sorts of things, learn from them, and move on.

I’ve been thinking about your post throughout today, and it does occur to me that you often seem to feel that you have no choices, but you need to believe that you do.You absolutely do have choices!

There were two main reasons for my advice a few weeks ago to you to leave it with your ex pal rather than confronting her. 1. She didn’t deserve any more of your time and energy, and 2…you can’t control how others respond.

In my experience, it’s a rare human being who listens to how badly they’ve made you feel, and acknowledges their part in it. Given how she had acted towards you, I was very unsure what positive response you expected. I love the fact that you potentially believed there would be a positive outcome though, but I’m not at all surprised to hear there hasn’t been.

Now I’m not for one moment saying you were right or wrong. You know this “lady” and I don’t (thank goodness!). But this ex pal was two faced and extremely selfish at best…Even if you were lovely and gentle in your criticism of her, was she ever REALLY going to just accept it? To me, she was never going to admit even to herself, let alone her hubby, how horrible she’d been to you. She can’t really live with that knowledge. Far easier on her conscience to make you the villain of the piece. Waving and honking her horn at you was designed to make HER feel better NOT you! She isn’t your friend, and having pulled her up, however nicely, you are now not her friend either. So, after you left her that day, how do you think the story went on regaling her hubby of the day’s events?? Tears? Possibly. Exaggeration? Quite likely. So, my bet is that he thinks you went to her house, confronted her in her house, upset her in her house, and all he sees is how often she has put herself out for you to then treat her like this. And as her loving hubby, he’s had a go at you. Unfair? You betcha! But not entirely unexpected really.

Anyway, if I were in your shoes, I’d keep the text from ex pal in case you need it as proof that he had a go at you.

I’ll say it again, though – this kind of “friend” is a million times worse than no friend at all. It’s up to you how you take it from here, but please don’t allow yourself to be a victim. Pick yourself back up, and declare “F*** ‘em”.

Attagirl! :T

Personally, I’m with Ellie in thinking that it’s not exactly a punishment to batton down the hatches for the winter, and spend time concentrating on your family. I’d also urge you to not think of this as withdrawing from humanity (i.e. negative), but as positive special time with the kids that you won’t ever have again. Every minute is precious, so stop wasting any more of it on people like this awful woman.

You have choices, never forget that!

LB xx

candygirl

What a fantastic, insightful post LB.You said all I wanted to say , and more.JKS please don't give these !!!!!s another thought xx

dekaspace

My date with the girl is tomorrow, not sure where to go for a date, not much choice in my town, just the usual Wetherspoons, KFC, Mcdonalds, and a cheap local pub (though a little small and a football place so worried about crowd) a buffet and a chinese which is also a pub.

Each has its own pros and cons such as McDonalds has horrible food and you get teenagers in but more relaxed for me and right next to bus station, pub can get cheap 3 course meal and is small but a bit exposed to other people, buffet is good deal but means not able to just sit and chat, Chinese has lunch meals but I dont think she can meet to later, KFC is small and not very good for a date.

There is also Toni Macaroni but thats expensive and a local Italian a few doors up but again only lunch time deals

I dont want somewhere too small that people can see and hear us nor do I want somewhere that is large and empty.

JustKeepSwimming_2

elona wrote: »

If he grabbed your arm and started being abusive and swearing then surely that is a breach of the peace.

No wonder she is apologising for him - she is petrified his behaviour will land him in well deserved trouble.

You are so much better than this rabble!!

You are obviously not stupid, you are kind and thoughtful and if you do need or want to lose some weight, then that is up to you. Nothing will make those so called friends intelligent. sensitive, kind, thoughtful - or even decent!!!

Thank you - think I was having another "Is it me?" moment :rotfl:

I wouldn't describe his behaviour as assault - I had my head down as I thought I was going to drop the pile of (late) books so he may well have tried to get my attention but as I wasn't looking.... But there was no excuse for the colourful language or cruel words :mad:

I do need to lose some weight as my clothes are getting too tight - must be something to do with all the comfort eating, which I know doesn't help (but I do love puddings with custard & it is December). Its on my list....

No further contact from either of them, & as I haven't been anywhere except work, I haven't run into them.

ellie99 wrote: »

JKS, I can only second what Elona has already said.

"She was just being kind, as that's her way"...really???
well that's a personality trait totally lost on her husband then!
He sounds the total opposite of kind.

I know it's easy to say, but it does seem as though you are better off without them, what a nasty pair they sound.

Maybe retreating indoors for a while wouldn't be such a bad thing. Myself, I'm a bit on the introverted side of the scale, and I'm actually quite happy to stay in in the winter, I find I don't need heaps of company (although when I do meet up with people it's very nice!)
I prefer going out and about in the summer.

I don't know how you feel about it, but maybe you can spend the winter just taking care of JKS, (and two stroppy teenagers, of course )

I just don't understand how these people can't see the lovely JKS that us virtual peeps can see :grouphug:

Thanks Ellie. I feel the same way about going out more when the weather is better, so hunkering down won't be a problem for me - I guess it will be a problem for my work colleagues when I don't have any news each Monday morning So far I just breeze in & say my weekend was fine, then ask them about theirs straight away. But several weeks of doing this has got them asking me more about what I did & being worried if I say I didn't have the social whirl that they all seem to. Maybe I'll need to invent a lover - that should shut them all up.

LavenderBees wrote: »

I’m really sorry you’ve had another bad experience, JKS, and I hope it goes without saying that I absolutely do NOT condone any attack on you, verbal or otherwise. Please though, don't feel that this sort of thing only happens to you. It doesn’t. I’m afraid it is all part and parcel of being a human being, albeit an unacceptable part.

All kinds of personal attacks happen day in day out, and my own have left me shaken, not to mention upset, and wanting to retire from humanity, but that’s not really practical, and I think the key thing is how we handle these sorts of things, learn from them, and move on.

I’ve been thinking about your post throughout today, and it does occur to me that you often seem to feel that you have no choices, but you need to believe that you do.You absolutely do have choices!

There were two main reasons for my advice a few weeks ago to you to leave it with your ex pal rather than confronting her. 1. She didn’t deserve any more of your time and energy, and 2…you can’t control how others respond.

In my experience, it’s a rare human being who listens to how badly they’ve made you feel, and acknowledges their part in it. Given how she had acted towards you, I was very unsure what positive response you expected. I love the fact that you potentially believed there would be a positive outcome though, but I’m not at all surprised to hear there hasn’t been.

Now I’m not for one moment saying you were right or wrong. You know this “lady” and I don’t (thank goodness!). But this ex pal was two faced and extremely selfish at best…Even if you were lovely and gentle in your criticism of her, was she ever REALLY going to just accept it? To me, she was never going to admit even to herself, let alone her hubby, how horrible she’d been to you. She can’t really live with that knowledge. Far easier on her conscience to make you the villain of the piece. Waving and honking her horn at you was designed to make HER feel better NOT you! She isn’t your friend, and having pulled her up, however nicely, you are now not her friend either. So, after you left her that day, how do you think the story went on regaling her hubby of the day’s events?? Tears? Possibly. Exaggeration? Quite likely. So, my bet is that he thinks you went to her house, confronted her in her house, upset her in her house, and all he sees is how often she has put herself out for you to then treat her like this. And as her loving hubby, he’s had a go at you. Unfair? You betcha! But not entirely unexpected really.

Anyway, if I were in your shoes, I’d keep the text from ex pal in case you need it as proof that he had a go at you.

I’ll say it again, though – this kind of “friend” is a million times worse than no friend at all. It’s up to you how you take it from here, but please don’t allow yourself to be a victim. Pick yourself back up, and declare “F*** ‘em”.

Attagirl! :T

Personally, I’m with Ellie in thinking that it’s not exactly a punishment to batton down the hatches for the winter, and spend time concentrating on your family. I’d also urge you to not think of this as withdrawing from humanity (i.e. negative), but as positive special time with the kids that you won’t ever have again. Every minute is precious, so stop wasting any more of it on people like this awful woman.

You have choices, never forget that!

LB xx

Oh LB, how did you get to be so wise & incisive? You're only a year or 2 older than me When you write it down like that its so f'in obvious that I'm annoyed with myself that I didn't see it coming :wall: (& I know you didn't mean for me to feel annoyed!). Thank you for your kind words (again).

I'm trying to not be quite so nice about certain other people, but it feels very strange. I've always treated people how I'd want to be treated, & assume people will behave as I would. If I'd been the friend, I'd have put my hands up & said yes, I'd been really thoughtless & what could I do to try & make up for it. I'd have been honest with my OH too. But of course, I'm living in a bubble :rotfl:At work today I handed in a time sheet detailing all the extra 5-20 minutes later I've stayed each day/gone late to lunch since Sept & its added up to an extra day :eek:. My boss was surprised & said it was all about give & take, but as I (& the others) see it we seem to do all giving :rotfl:. She has grudgingly agreed that I can use that time (that I've not been paid for) to cover a hospital appointment for DD, which is handy, but them seemed affronted that I left on time tonight! Yes, there was still a lot of work to do, but there always is & if we don't make a stand it won't ever get better. Think I'm now marked as a militant :whistle:

Hoping for a rare night out tomorrow with a friend who has an exciting social life, but only seems to have time to see me if she comes to my house & mither about how awful her life is (it really isn't :huh:). Managed to persuade her to go for an early pizza; she hasn't been seen out with me for years but is quite happy to go anywhere with her other friends, so I'll believe it when I'm eating pizza. Kids have promised to behave as they think I need to go out more (must be bad if teens have noticed) & I won't wear white

Hope all are good & hugs to anyone who needs/wants one.

JustKeepSwimming_2

Forgot to add - I'm re-reading this from the London Review of Books & its sooo funny. Makes you very glad to be single (although for any of us who may be looking, then I guess there could be worse places to look. At least you know all these singlies can read :rotfl:)

ellie99

JustKeepSwimming wrote: »

Maybe I'll need to invent a lover - that should shut them all up.

If you're going to do that JKS, invent more than one...

JustKeepSwimming_2

ellie99 wrote: »

If you're going to do that JKS, invent more than one...

Good idea Ellie - I should aim higher, shouldn't I?

Anyone care to guess what I had for tea last night?

.....it wasn't pizza

Said friend let me know about an hour before I was due to meet her that she was too tired to go out yesterday. She'd been away in London for a long weekend with her OH, seeing shows, eating out, lots of shopping (kids looked after by her family) etc. She'd been out Tuesday for a meal with OH's work colleagues, had lunch out with her sister on Wed & had an Xmas do on Friday & a spa day with her other sister on Sat planned, so something had to give.

And that was me

I could have said I didn't think she was being a particularly good friend, that I felt a bit let down by her late cancellation & that I'd been really looking forward to seeing her even if the feeling wasn't mutual. I could have reminded her how she told me I needed to get out more, to embrace life. I could have reminded her that she said she'd be there for me to talk to about how difficult life is/has been for the last few years, any time.

But she also has a loyal husband & I don't want to receive another bollocking for speaking my side of events :rotfl:, so I just said it was fine & she should ring me when she wants to meet up.

I doubt she meant to hurt my feelings quite so exquisitely, so totally by regaling me with scenes from a life so alien to mine, so impossible for me to achieve, but short of calling me a Nazi & saying my children were inbreeds, I don't think she could have prompted such strong emotions in me - & she knows how I feel about having few decent friends & little family.

So my plan to hunker down is reinforced, & it may not just be for winter either - I'm so fed up with people I may never socialise again.

Did anyone listen to Woman's Hour yesterday? It was about single women being ripped off financially by gangs who'd targeted them, possibly from dating websites + social media sites. Makes me even less likely to go on any of those websites

Hope all are OK in this vile weather.

BookWorm

Evening all Hope everyone is doing ok?

I'm feeling pleased with myself this evening as all my xmas pressie wrapping is done I finally feel like I'm gaining some control back over my life...just hope it lasts into the working week!

JKS - goodness me you've had a tough week. I'm sorry that you are still being affected by those now former friends. You've had some wise words from other people already and I don't think I could add anything to that. Sending you a big hug though

I'm just catching up on this weeks masterchef... making me hungry though :drool:

BW x