OS Singlies - We Do It Our Way!

mum2one

dekaspace wrote: »

When is something being paranoid and something being possibly right im confused.

That girl I am texting may go days or more without texing me, then one day text me a few times and have a short conversation then she goes quiet so I am not sure if I offended her or shes texting when shes low and needs perking up and times when she doesnt respond maybe a few hours later I will send another text, then about 2 or 3 days later I will text her and ask how shes getting on and she will reply "oh I thought I responded to your last message, sorry im fine" or along those lines.

I know her mum died about 12 years ago and we had a good text chat then I mentioned christmas was soon and I was staying at my parents which I have done every year since I was a child.

She never responded back.

It sounds normal, if that doesn't sound daft, with a male friend, there be days when were text on and off thoughout the day, others go a day or so and then restart, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong, just sometimes I'm doing something, or think I'll text later.

Christmas to some people will be bells and whistles, party on, others a quit time, where they treat it as another day....

Without being nosey (you may have said, my mind is elsewhere, so apologies in advance), where do you see this going in an ideal world, it may be she sees you as a friend, where as if you see more progressing, maybe dip a toe in the water by suggesting drink / meal / cinema etc
x

dekaspace

mum2one wrote: »

It sounds normal, if that doesn't sound daft, with a male friend, there be days when were text on and off thoughout the day, others go a day or so and then restart, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong, just sometimes I'm doing something, or think I'll text later.

Christmas to some people will be bells and whistles, party on, others a quit time, where they treat it as another day....

Without being nosey (you may have said, my mind is elsewhere, so apologies in advance), where do you see this going in an ideal world, it may be she sees you as a friend, where as if you see more progressing, maybe dip a toe in the water by suggesting drink / meal / cinema etc
x

I got her details from a dating site so I assume its dating.

I wanted to go about it without scaring her off or her feeling its too forward.

Its also hard to tell as she always ends her messages with a x sometimes two but many women do that.

mum2one

dekaspace wrote: »

I got her details from a dating site so I assume its dating. That explains it better, - def looking for the same

I wanted to go about it without scaring her off or her feeling its too forward.
you sound one in a million

Its also hard to tell as she always ends her messages with a x sometimes two but many women do that.

I am quilty as well of ending texts / email with a x, thou its alwats 1 x unless its someone special

Your in contact by text, how about when your on a conversation flow, say theres a film that looks good, do you want to come with me to see it, (go for something general, not romantic, not sci fi (unless you know she likes a certain genre) one film that jumps to mind - Lady in a a van...

That way theres no pressure to feel you have to talk for England, when you come out of film - suggest drink - if conversation is hard to flow - then your have the film to talk over...

x

dekaspace

mum2one wrote: »

I am quilty as well of ending texts / email with a x, thou its alwats 1 x unless its someone special

Your in contact by text, how about when your on a conversation flow, say theres a film that looks good, do you want to come with me to see it, (go for something general, not romantic, not sci fi (unless you know she likes a certain genre) one film that jumps to mind - Lady in a a van...

That way theres no pressure to feel you have to talk for England, when you come out of film - suggest drink - if conversation is hard to flow - then your have the film to talk over...

x

The times when she double x's is like she asks me how I am doing and I will be like "oh im fine just tired today" and she will respond like "aww xx" or if I say "oh I was visting parnets and our dog was jumping up and licking me" I also something like "aww thats cute xx"

She does talk about her brother sometimes which I assume is a good thing, i.e one time she text me after not for about 3 days and asked how I was, then afterwards wrote a 2 page taxt saying her brother has social worker and benetfit issues and I was supportive so it seemed she wanted some attention from me which I assume means she trusts me.

She knows I am autistic as I told her and she says her brother is (so she understands what its like) I am not sure if her talking about her brother sometimes is her way of trying to connect and find common ground who knows.

3forholidays

Belated birthday wishes LB! :bdaycake: Hope you had a lovely day!

LavenderBees

Thank you, All, for my birthday wishes.


I did have a good day - very busy work-wise, but I had lovely thoughts and unexpected gifts from friends, which warmed my heart.


I'm knackered today though - did my usual weekly drive across country and back yesterday, and apart from the income, am really wondering why...time for a life re-think, methinks.


Maybe it's just I'm at THAT age for a mid life crisis!


Hope you're all having a good day. I can't use the smilies today unless I type them


LB xx

JustKeepSwimming_2

LavenderBees wrote: »

NO you don't HAVE to do anything at all or you could simply post it to her or you could do as you suggest.


I am concerned though that you could put a load of effort in, have a confrontation and come away feeling worse than ever.


You CHOOSE, YOUR choice. The world wouldn't end if she never got her book back!....

You know, it must sound mad but I never considered not returning her book :doh:I did return it, partly because I was walking past her street & it seemed churlish not to, & also because I wanted to call her on standing me up.

greenbee wrote: »

Agreed. After all, if she wants her book back she can get in touch and ask for it... and maybe explain exactly why she couldn't make it last time

JKS - I know sometimes it is hard when you have few friends to give up the acquaintances you have, but she doesn't deserve you. As for work, next time the comments about being single start, tell them to stop - ask them to think about how they might be making you feel. And perhaps make a point about workplace bullying, because that's what it looks like to me. I know it's easy to tell funny stories and get people to laugh about the things that happen to you, but that's no reason for them not to accept you for who you are.

I found it very hard to cut myself off from toxic friends, but I've done it. There are a few who I still have occasional contact with, but who are now firmly in the 'acquaintances' category. Similarly I tend to keep work colleagues in the 'colleagues' category and don't socialise with them much - although in a number of cases we've become friends or at least socialised as acquaintances after I've moved on to another job.

Boundaries need to be clear, and when behaviours and comments are unacceptable you need to call them on it.

I forget how old your kids are, but are there any activities they do that parents go to, and where you could build a circle of acquaintances (even if all you have in common is that your kids have similar interests).

My two are 16 & 13, so don't tend to do anything now that they'd want me to go along to - I have one friend/acquaintance who is always happy to ferry DS around to youth club etc & if she didn't then I doubt he'd go as it's almost an hours walk each way for us door-to-door.

I did have a discussion with my friend - the result being I'm now down another friend but its OK. It was probably always going to end in such a way, not helped when she said she was sorry to have let me down due to work emergency & embroidered the lie a little too much (oh really :shocked:). When I said I'd seen her in the cafe with friends, she had the grace to blush, but then said it was because she'd wanted to see then more than me (they'd bumped into each other, not arranged to meet) &that she'd assumed it'd be easy to rearrange seeing me, since I had less going on than the other friends.

She said we have little in common now, although when I suggested all the things we do have in common (our outlooks, politics, taste in films/music, kids at similar stages etc.) she agreed. According to her I'm a loyal, kind & helpful friend that anyone would be pleased to have as a friend - just not her apparently. Unknowingly I've been the subject of much discussion by her & others - I work in a high school, so I'm known of by many parents who feel qualified to dissect my life without actually knowing me personally, & evidently I've been under surveillance by these women for some time without realising it.

These chats have been along the lines of just what is wrong with me that I'm always on my own? Interestingly she said she used to stand up for me in the beginning, arguing that there was nothing wrong with me (apart from my rubbish choice in men), but after years of having the same discussions with those friends she began to realise they must have a point, there must be something wrong with me (as why else could I STILL be single?)

So it would seem in her small world that any singlie must have something wrong with them if they remain single for a time.

There were a few other comments which I countered with good reasons - I can't go to the WI in the next town as there is still no public transport in the evening (& have you not listened to a word I've said about public transport?) & those of you that do go have chosen not to offer me a lift - by all means don't offer to take me, none of you should be obliged to, but then don't criticise me for not being able to go.

That's why its OK that I've lost her as a friend - isn't really much of a loss, is it?

Greenbee - great advice, thanks. Oddly I feel more relieved than upset about this. If I see her out I'll certainly say hi & smile, but I won't ever be friends with her again. It is hard knowing I don't have many friends left locally, but so be it.

LavenderBees wrote: »

Thank you, All, for my birthday wishes.


I did have a good day - very busy work-wise, but I had lovely thoughts and unexpected gifts from friends, which warmed my heart.


I'm knackered today though - did my usual weekly drive across country and back yesterday, and apart from the income, am really wondering why...time for a life re-think, methinks.


Maybe it's just I'm at THAT age for a mid life crisis!


Hope you're all having a good day. I can't use the smilies today unless I type them


LB xx

Glad you had a great day LB - no internet for me for a few days, so sorry to have missed it. I did eat cake in your honour though

Let me know if the mid life crisis is fun & I may join in :rotfl:

Mum2one - hope all is OK?

Dekaspace - I'm so rubbish at anything date related I wouldn't dare offer advice.

How's Ellie?

LavenderBees

Well done on standing up for yourself. I hope at the very least that it made for an uncomfortable conversation for her with you. People who make you feel small and worthless are not worth grieving over though.


I'm a bit stuck for what to suggest to move you forward on this, though - the lack of public transport is obviously an issue. As is the fact that you seem, for some very strange reason that I cannot fathom at all, to be the subject of quite intense gossip. Why, !!!!!!?? I just can't get over the small mindedness of the people you know. Not only do they gossip about you and your apparent failings (!), but are small minded enough to ensure you are pushed out by not offering lifts. It is so unusual, imo. Usually, people go the other way and just don't give a damn, which can be just as hard to take but in a different way.


I suppose moving house and job isn't really feasible?? I'm serious...


How about if you chose two or three things to do, and saved up taxi fare, is that possible at all? Probably not, but just thought I'd throw it out there.


I've decided being a hermit would be a good thing as people do my head in...not everyone, but far too many!


Keep your chin up! You did good not just accepting it!


LB xx

candygirl

JKS, well done on having the chat with flaky friend is there no way at all that you can learn to drive? I know how hard it is to do it later in life, as I only passed in my mid thirties, but it opens your world up sooo much x:D

BookWorm

Evening all

Hope everyone is keeping warm and safe in the crazy weather that is going on in various places.

I've been catching up on this weeks Masterchef...and now have an overwhelming craving for apple crumble...does watching food programs make anyone else hungry?

JKS - I have to say that 'friend' of yours sounds incredibly selfish, thoughtless, uncaring and generally not very nice. Well done for calling them on out on not meeting with you. I think you will be much better of without them in your life. You definitely deserve better!

BW