OS Singlies - We Do It Our Way!

mothernerd

Congratulations on tackling the ex-friend JKS and sympathy for being the topic of gossip. I know a couple of my neighbours have 'views' about me but I haven't called them on it. I am pleasant and speak to them in passing but don't go into their houses. When I was having my roof re-done (+ doors and windows) I was stuck upstairs (workmen downstairs, busted ankle so resting on the bed, middle of Summer so window was wide open. They were talking loudly outside. I was surprised at how resentful they were that I was having work done on my house. They have both had lots of work done, whereas I spent many years doing my best to to patch things up before I could afford the renovations.

We all met up in the backs a couple of months ago (couldn't really walk off or I'd have been being 'stand-offish') and they were complaining about their partners shift patterns and how I didn't know how lucky I was. I just smiled and said nothing but one of them is on her second marriage and the other on her fifth. When they have been on their own they have both been out actively chasing men/ had a 'boyfriend' on the go. I just think that at some point they have to take responsibility for the choices they have made.

On a happier note I have been out today. There was a 'reindeer parade' - very young and slightly sheepish policemen (think they were community support whatevers), small brass band some 'Christmas characters' four reindeer with the sleigh and pensioners on mobility scooters bringing up the rear plus another couple of characters who I think were mascots from some of the shops.

But I like the reindeer so I went and didn't feel out of place. At the end of the parade two tiny reindeer were led into the pen with the others - they were only born in June, slightly bigger than an alsatian, less than a wolf, much smaller than an Irish wolfhound. Very sweet. The oldest, Elvis was 9 years old, the youngest of the older ones was four.

Met one of the neighbours when I was going, she seemed surprised that I wanted to see the reindeer so may get talked about again. I had a 'sort of adopted older brother - he adopted my mother' - who had a reputation for doing stupid or silly things. He always said that if people were talking about him, at least they weren't calling someone else, which is not a bad philosophy to adopt.

Hope you all have a good or at least a peaceful and restful weekend. hugs to everyone that needs one or wants one.

JustKeepSwimming_2

LavenderBees wrote: »

Well done on standing up for yourself. I hope at the very least that it made for an uncomfortable conversation for her with you. People who make you feel small and worthless are not worth grieving over though.


I'm a bit stuck for what to suggest to move you forward on this, though - the lack of public transport is obviously an issue. As is the fact that you seem, for some very strange reason that I cannot fathom at all, to be the subject of quite intense gossip. Why, !!!!!!?? I just can't get over the small mindedness of the people you know. Not only do they gossip about you and your apparent failings (!), but are small minded enough to ensure you are pushed out by not offering lifts. It is so unusual, imo. Usually, people go the other way and just don't give a damn, which can be just as hard to take but in a different way.


I suppose moving house and job isn't really feasible?? I'm serious...


How about if you chose two or three things to do, and saved up taxi fare, is that possible at all? Probably not, but just thought I'd throw it out there.


I've decided being a hermit would be a good thing as people do my head in...not everyone, but far too many!


Keep your chin up! You did good not just accepting it!


LB xx

I think maybe I've given the wrong impression about how much gossip is about me - I doubt for a moment I'm all they talk about as I'm evidently far too boring. I think the comments about me being on my own & it seeming wrong could be compared with a cafe that always seems empty - people assume (rightly or wrongly) that if a cafe is empty then there must be a reason; maybe the food isn't good, or the atmosphere rubbish so people continue to stay away from it. Me being always seen to be on my own, well there must be a reason as it simply isn't normal in their world, so they don't wish to associate with me.

Some of these women wouldn't dream of going anywhere unless they had a friend to go with them, including even going for a coffee. I remember one saying years ago that she'd never go to a cafe on her own in case the customers thought she didn't have any friends to go with. I thought it was a bit odd, since we're not still in the playground, but more people seem to agree with her than not.

It does seem harsh & judgemental to be on the receiving end of some of their comments - it's suggested that I smarten myself up & wear heels more often; how would that work when I have to walk to & from wherever I'm going & am on my feet all day? But if I use that as a reason I'm wrong & simply not making enough of an effort; that the furthest they walk is to & from their cars so heels are easy for them doesn't figure. I'm making them sound very Stepford Wives - I'm just not a good fit for them, & however hard I argue my case, I'm too different from them, so I know I need to find other friends, but that's where I struggle.

I'd love to move, but feel trapped here until kids have at least finished school as they're both having issues with the education system & it wouldn't be right to move them. Their dad is nearby (when he isn't working away) & as much as he doesn't see them very often, I can't deprive him of the chance. Especially when I can't do any of the driving the kids around. But there is also my job to consider - I doubt I'll get another job with my health record, & I've no partner to help out.... The nearest big cities are too expensive, so it would involve a move up North, or to Wales depending on how Ma is (another fall this week, so I think it won't be long until that needs sorting out ).

I can see an end to living here when DS leaves 6th form - in 5 long years .

candygirl wrote: »

JKS, well done on having the chat with flaky friend is there no way at all that you can learn to drive? I know how hard it is to do it later in life, as I only passed in my mid thirties, but it opens your world up sooo much x:D

No - medically disqualified & that isn't going to change. I'm sadly all too aware of how much better life would be if I cold drive again. I do get a free bus pass, but that only works if there are buses running :rotfl:

TBH I think the medical issue is also part of the problem. Without going into details I suddenly lost my licence & my well paid, exciting job (which relied on both driving & excellent health). This wasn't that long after my ex had left, my Dad had died, & a few other major life events, so people just didn't know what to say to me after such a string of dreadful luck. So a lot of them said nothing, pretended everything was fine & just ignored the herd of elephants in the room.

BookWorm wrote: »

Evening all

Hope everyone is keeping warm and safe in the crazy weather that is going on in various places.

I've been catching up on this weeks Masterchef...and now have an overwhelming craving for apple crumble...does watching food programs make anyone else hungry?

JKS - I have to say that 'friend' of yours sounds incredibly selfish, thoughtless, uncaring and generally not very nice. Well done for calling them on out on not meeting with you. I think you will be much better of without them in your life. You definitely deserve better!

BW

Thanks all - I do honestly feel fine about it. I'm relieved to know that I won't be putting myself through meetings with friends where I feel in the wrong, or not quite good enough. Am looking forward to reading a lot more books & drinking cocoa

Mothernerd - people are just downright odd. I love the idea of a reindeer parade, even if it is still far too early to be thinking about the C word :rotfl:. I saw some baby reindeer a few years ago & their fur was so soft, they were adorable.

mum2one

just popped in for a flying hi, we got dad home Friday night, the internal bleeding had stopped by itself, the last blood tests on fri were not as good as they really wanted, but hit acceptable ranges.

He now has to wait for the camera, he has to have top and bottom cameras, they found marks on his mri scan - they don't know what - theres a pow pow with the surgeon and oncologist... time will tell.

On another note, I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, as most of u know, DD has never seen her dad, shes had some contact with his parents, that blew up, and she hasn't seen them for 4 years now.

There has been odd contact by email between me and them, the last time I spoke to them was last yr when dad was in hospital.

Last ngt DD decides she wants to contact them.... I've always said I would never stop her, that the numbers in my phone and she could help herself.

She rang today, I had to speak first then she panicked and run off (only to the garden), we rang back it was a 75/25 ratio of me and her, they asked where does this lead to, I couldn't answer.

Everytime we got somewhere with them, it blew up as a result of their actions - despite a court order being in place that their son can have no info on DD, photos etc - unless they come from DD... no the dad and the brother couldn't accept that and was forwarding everything, literally putting DD at risk.

I don't want her getting hurt, but I know I have to let her move forward.

---
One issue I hope no-one minds me asking for advice, - DD has asked to see the paperwork relating to the court, the solicitors letters from day 1 (a4 file bursting at seams).

What would come out.. we have reason to believe he sexually assaulted me when pregnant, that when he was informed of this allegation - he never bothered again -

He's breached the court order and 50 times now... I don't want to go back to court and rock the boat - it may well backfire and he remembers he has a daughter and decides to get more access / parental responsibility / or start writing to her....

LavenderBees

How old is your DD, Mum2One, and more importantly how mature is she?


Could you perhaps hold off giving her the papers and explain that you would prefer to leave it until she is a little older? Is she still young enough to be distracted off this train of thought onto something else?


What has triggered her curiosity? The approach to Xmas , perhaps, where EVERYONE has family/a Dad etc? or something else?


It's another toughie, and no easy answer at all. My gut instinct says she'd be better with no contact on her Dad's side at all, but obviously it isn't that clear cut. Have you posted on the Mums/Dad's board - you may get some good and kind advice to help you decide on there.


LB xx

mum2one

She's 13, got an old head on young shoulders - she's knows a lot as she was dragged throu carcass, his actions had a big impact on her younger life, when she 1st met his family they didn't hold back with a few home trues.

I don't know what's triggered it, they send her £20 for bday and Xmas, when we did meet them she got on with the nan like a house on fire, we both did, just the grandad is a t o s s p o t ....

My uncle and aunt took the role of nanny and grandad, he's been diagnosed with dementia, whether that was the trigger I do t know.

The good thing they live over the waters so it's a ferry / plane journey to the uk, they come across about 3 times a yr so it's not as thou they would turn up on doorstep.

I think I'm going to keep quiet - hope it's a passing fad, if not just go through the paperwork with her - it's only that main aspect she doesn't know .

Thank u thou xx

dekaspace

I have a date with that girl I am texting, well so far its just I text her to ask about meeting up and she said that sounded good so arranging something.

Im going to be panicky, I am autistic so nervous around new people so either curl up in a defensive position or just speak at a volume to fast to understand for a long time.

She does have a autistic brother and knows I have it so should be knowledgable plus shes coming to meet me rather than me her so should be more comfortable.

mum2one

dekaspace - thats brilliant news, everyone is panicy with first dates, so shes going to be as nervous as you.

x

BookWorm

Good evening

It's been quiet in here - hope everyone is ok?

I've come down with a cold so been having a very quiet weekend with lots of liquids and plenty of rest. I think it's the last few weeks of madness catching up with me... but on the plus side I'm hoping that means I won't come down with the lurgy over the holidays

mum2one

Hope everyone ok,

A bit of an update...

DD has not said a work about the grandparents / her dad - its all gone quiet, so as the saying goes let sleeping dogs lie.

Its been a hetic week, we've have 2 xmas fayres, shattered now, been back on the hospital appointment run with dad, got him back for his 6 monthly eye check up 2mor, - its not been the best of times... thats for another time. xxx

candygirl

So sorry about your Dad hun , but relieved that you wont have the extra hassle with the ex You really don't need that at the mo xx