OS Singlies - We Do It Our Way!

JustKeepSwimming_2

Thank you all so much for your kind words & wishes - re-reading my last post makes me sound a little emotional & pathetic (as well as brutally honest) so I want to reassure you all that I'm not awash with tears & miserable for the vast majority of the time :rotfl:

It has just been a tougher than usual week. I'm glad its the w/e as its a chance to get off the treadmill of work, which is steadily getting more stressful for everyone each week as the workloads go up & up, but staffing levels drop - guess its like this for many, many people now, but it all adds to the overwhelming feeling of never getting anywhere. But I'm also mindful that its another w/e when I won't speak to anyone in RL that isn't my offspring (& most of that will be grunting from them or requests for money), a bus driver or a shop assistant.

I should be resigned to accepting life isn't a riot of social engagements by now :rotfl: I'll keep checking meetup each month in the hope that something new opens up that I can get to, the notice boards in the library for local events, as I have been doing for ages.

When you look at what else is going on in the world I know I'm extremely lucky to just feel lonely.

Mothernerd - I think your cat story is lovely (IYKWIM) & I'd have been so touched had someone done the same for me. There is nothing wrong or hilarious about what you did; it just shows what a caring, thoughtful person you are. At the risk of sounding flippant its also very MSE - Ma had to call a vet out this week to put one of her cats down & take him away it cost almost £150 . That is no small sum to be finding for a pensioner, so I'm paying most of it (since I'm so flush & don't require a social budget :rotfl:).

3for holidays - I sympathise & empathise with you too. I don't think anyone who has to deal with buses on a regular basis knows how restricting it can be. I'm sorry to read that you're feeling friendless too; it's a difficult situation to be in when you can't see how to change it. :grouphug:

Elona - I've already tried the local walking group & that won't work since I don't drive so can't take part in the lift sharing scheme. Other groups are on in the week when I'm working & as I work in a school I can't even take holiday to attend those. Evening classes locally are mostly arts & crafts or programming based which just isn't my thing at all, & the things I am interested in (a wide range) are all at places with poor transport links. There are loads of courses I'd love to do, but can't get to. I do quite a few free online courses, which are great, but it isn't the same as going somewhere (although I can do them in my PJs & nobody knows ). I like the ethos & idea of OU but can't afford it just now, or attend summer schools as exOH can't be relied on to have DD & DS (even if they did want to go, which they haven't for a long time).

I seem to be stuck with a small life until DD & DS are old enough to be left on their own safely - hopefully in a few more years...

Ellie - I'm dropping a book around to that friend next week, so I may call her on it then. Torn between wanting to know why she thinks its OK to treat me, or anyone so disrespectfully & not wanting to lose someone who I thought was a friend... Guess her answer may give me a clue as to what type of friend she considers me to be :rotfl:

Right, I really ought to get dressed, although we're having a stay at home & tidy up day (groan) so I may not bother as PJs are so warm & saves having to put the heating on.

Have a good day all & thanks again for being the voices of sanity & reason X

candygirl

In the spirit of singledom, i've got my DGD 6, over tonight we have been glass painting candle holders for her Mum, my DD Have already had a takeaway, n are no waiting for Strictly! She's a fab armchair critic:rotfl:

springdreams

3forholidays wrote: »

JKS I don't have any ideas I'm afraid but I do know how difficult it is to get about on public transport - every journey takes twice/three times as long and is expensive too.

I don't have anybody that I would classify as a friend as I was a loner at school/college (in part due to disabilities) and when I went into the workplace everyone was at least 10 years older than me plus they had children so no real connections made there. Nowadays there are colleagues of a similar age that have joined the department over the years but they all have partners and children. Sometimes when it's someone's special birthday there is something organised and I do attend but there is no regular events.

So I'm a SINK (single income no kids) and have no idea where to go to meet people who might be willing to consider friendship but I do know one thing - you can't force anyone to be your friend.

Hello 3forholidays and JKS (and everyone else) :hello:

I meet people in all sorts of places and get chatting with them. For example more recently at my son's football matches, and at my weight watchers class. I have even met up with someone from MSE.

Many will never become friends as we don't click that way, others have become semi friends and one has become a good friend. My bestie, however, is still back in South Africa. I've yet to meet anyone in the UK that I would feel that comfortable with sharing all my innermost hopes and dreams with. But I am content with my lot.

I have recently signed up to Streetlife, which is like a social networking site. You can put in your town and find recommendations for things like local tradesmen, whats on in your area and the like. A bunch of the Streetlifers in my area get together every week for breakfast in a local cafe, and arrange an evening dinner once a month at a local restaurant. Perhaps your Streetlife has something similar? If not, perhaps you can get it set up?

janb5

Springdreams- you have a very active Streetlife! I subscribe to ours but it`s very much on sharing local contacts! Meeting for breakfast etc is fab!

BookWorm

Afternoon all

I can't believe it's been a week since I was here :eek: This week has been another mad one... lots of work travel on top of usual madness...I've been out and done a few things this morning and I'm not leaving the house for the rest of the day

JKS - you certainly do seem to be having a bit of a time of it don't you? Sending you a hug :grouphug: Reading about your date (or should that be non date?) reminded me of another article I saw this week HERE - perhaps the men in question are related :think:...


3forholidays - I had no idea that I would be considered a SINK never heard of that before....

Ellie - beautiful picture - thanks for sharing

I'm off to grab another :coffee:.. anybody else want one?

BW

3forholidays

BW I think that these terms originated from America - there is also DINK (double income no kids) for a couple with no children.:)

Synonymous

I'm a lurker on this thread too, but what you said about that g!t of a bloke and your so-called mate really had an impact on me, JKS - when I read what he said to you my heart dropped through the floor... and then I got angry. I also remember you telling us about someone being mean to you before. It is COMPLETELY unacceptable for anyone to speak to you in that way.

I'm with LavendarBees on this one - I don't 'know' you on here, but I can see how much love there is on this thread for you. You deserve better from friends and strangers - and when you make light out of these situations and take them without complaint, you are enabling them to laugh and take advantage of your good nature. I'm not by any stretch saying that this is your fault, but they have fallen into this pattern, and if you don't want to cut ties completely then I would encourage you to start calling them on it. If they're making you feel carp then they need to know about it, otherwise they will never change.

I think it's great that you're going to ask your friend about the cafe incident, but unless you're planning to crack her round the head with it then the fact that you're doing her a favour by bringing her the book is a bit of a mixed signal that all is clearly going to be forgiven, no matter what her excuse is.

I can see that you're a fighter and not a victim - but you shouldn't have to be strong in order to deal with friendships - they should be a place of trust and safety. Please do try to see the great person people see on here and giver her a chance to shine through.

I know my writing style isn't the fluffiest, and I sound !!!!!! off (at them, not you) but please know this comes from a place of love - be kind to yourself and put your energy into people that bring you joy. x

LavenderBees

Synonymous wrote: »

I'm a lurker on this thread too, but what you said about that g!t of a bloke and your so-called mate really had an impact on me, JKS - when I read what he said to you my heart dropped through the floor... and then I got angry. I also remember you telling us about someone being mean to you before. It is COMPLETELY unacceptable for anyone to speak to you in that way.

I'm with LavendarBees on this one - I don't 'know' you on here, but I can see how much love there is on this thread for you. You deserve better from friends and strangers - and when you make light out of these situations and take them without complaint, you are enabling them to laugh and take advantage of your good nature. I'm not by any stretch saying that this is your fault, but they have fallen into this pattern, and if you don't want to cut ties completely then I would encourage you to start calling them on it. If they're making you feel carp then they need to know about it, otherwise they will never change.

I think it's great that you're going to ask your friend about the cafe incident, but unless you're planning to crack her round the head with it then the fact that you're doing her a favour by bringing her the book is a bit of a mixed signal that all is clearly going to be forgiven, no matter what her excuse is.

I can see that you're a fighter and not a victim - but you shouldn't have to be strong in order to deal with friendships - they should be a place of trust and safety. Please do try to see the great person people see on here and giver her a chance to shine through.

I know my writing style isn't the fluffiest, and I sound !!!!!! off (at them, not you) but please know this comes from a place of love - be kind to yourself and put your energy into people that bring you joy. x

Hear! Hear! Well Said!

I, too, unfortunately feel that JKS probably sends out mixed signals (though I understand why). But personally, I would rather be alone than be alone with these kinds of so-called friends in my life! I feel far less lonely when I kick someone into touch who has treated me badly. It's about taking control of an out of control situation, but also about valuing yourself. If no one else is going to, then YOU MUST!

So, my advice, JKS, and yes, I do still want to smack them for you, is to NOT take the book round, let her run to you, and if she doesn't...well, honestly, WHAT EXACTLY have you lost?? You've lost someone who treated you badly, treated you with disrespect, and doesn't deserve you. Wake up to it, and realise that these people are really not your friends. We can all see it clearly, and I am really sorry for that

I suspect that if you STOP accepting that you are everyone else's punch bag, and push them firmly out of your life, you might start thinking of your own worth, and focus on making you feel better. Only you can make you feel better and that comes with understanding your worth.

Friendship is about trust and safety, you are right, Synonymous. Absolutely spot on, and when that trust is breached, what else is left...?

However, I also think there is such a pattern here that I wonder why so many people are so thoughtless (at best) and downright cruel (at worst)? I have NEVER myself encountered such cruelty, and I wonder why you are, JKS? I suspect that somehow, by going along with the "joke" you are enabling them. Confrontation is awful, and very hard, but perhaps look at how to build your self esteem up, so that you know when to walk away?

I can count my true real life friends on one hand, but my goodness, they are gold. Absolute gold! And I would go to the ends of the earth for them. That doesn't mean that everything in the garden is rosy, and doesn't mean that they may not drop by the wayside if they hurt me badly and don't acknowledge it, so we can work through it, but I really hope not. Likewise, I will try my best to not let them down. We are all only human though, but never would I treat someone I consider a friend, so cruelly, and those who have treated me cruelly have reaped the rewards of me moving on.

Travel problems are a huge factor, no doubt about it, but I personally would suggest you work on your self esteem first, and then tackle the practicalities of tackling your loneliness, rather than the other way round.

And, if you're free of child care duties between Xmas & new year, and fancy a trip up north for a wee break with people who will treat you with love and respect, do feel free to PM me.

LB xx

JustKeepSwimming_2

springdreams wrote: »

...I have recently signed up to Streetlife, which is like a social networking site. You can put in your town and find recommendations for things like local tradesmen, whats on in your area and the like. A bunch of the Streetlifers in my area get together every week for breakfast in a local cafe, and arrange an evening dinner once a month at a local restaurant. Perhaps your Streetlife has something similar? If not, perhaps you can get it set up?

I've just signed up & although there doesn't seem to be a lot going on events wise yet, there are a few conversations going on, so I'll jump in. Thanks for suggesting it; I'd heard about it ages ago but then it fell out of my head ...

BookWorm wrote: »

..JKS - you certainly do seem to be having a bit of a time of it don't you? Sending you a hug :grouphug: Reading about your date (or should that be non date?) reminded me of another article I saw this week HERE - perhaps the men in question are related :think:...

Thanks for that BW - did raise a smile to know I'm not the only one who has less than perfect dates. There are some odd men out there :rotfl:

Hope work calms down a bit for you this week. Work is all a bit deckchairs on the Titanic at the moment, so already looking forward to the next holidays

Thanks to LB & Synonymous for their kind, thoughtful & oh, so observant posts. You are both quite correct about my self esteem, or lack of, & it is something I have tried to address over many years (obviously not very well). Without wanting to sound pathetic, there is something about me that seems to invite unpleasant behaviour from others, sometimes even from complete strangers never mind friends, to the point that I joke there's a flashing sign above my head :rotfl:

I don't cope well with confrontation on a personal level, although I've been fine at work in every job apart from this current one; always able to stand my ground, dealt with a sexual harassment case successfully, & was asked a few times to be a union rep. Yet my personal life is very different, but I think you've all gathered that .

As for my friend's book; I'll have to drop it round as its her book :rotfl: but I shall ask her what she was playing at.

Thanks again all & Synonymous, it would be lovely if you came out of lurkdom more often.

LB - thanks for the very kind offer, but sadly I don't think I'm ever going to be child free again Kids are not wanting to see their Dad & he's been a bit more of a k n o b than even I thought possible, so I can't say I blame them in the slightest. In fact I'm proud of the way they can now see through him, but heartbroken for them too as they realise he is a rubbish father & that is unlikely to change. Its a horrible situation for them as they now see how little he cares, which is something I tried to shield them from for years but can't get away with now they're older & wiser.

I always feel better when I've discussed things with you lot - like a lot of singlies I don't feel listened too very often (my kids are teens) & this thread really helps.

Night all

JKS x

dekaspace

Im 33, single for 12 years which the main reason is I am autistic, the other reason was a family member was murdered when I was 22 and took a few years to get the trial etc sorted then started uni without giving myself time to recover, which was hard as I was in my mid twenties and getting rude comments from the 18 year old students about being too old for uni and socialising and it has slid since then, I currently have mellowed out somewhat but as I have like 2 friends both at other ends of country, and too old to go to student bars to meet people its hard.

Then I have the years of bad sleep due to stress, neighbours partying all night, drug dealing neighbour stealing my id and weight gain from depression.

I dont think im traditionally depressed its more I have just reached a point where the bad sleep pattern makes me spaced out, and being spaced out means I dont want to do anything which means I feel worse for doing nothing and its a vicious cycle as I can get rare good days where everything just slides into place.

Sorry thats a little sidetracking but I am single.

Because I am single I struggle to cook as it ends up taking a long time just to cook for one person and I am the sort due to the autism that needs not exactly motivation but brainstorming between 2 people i.e if I am told mince and tatties sounds nice I will agree and have a goal so cook it and someone saying my food is good boosts confidence.

Its a shame when my friends do come and stay they want takeaways.

I have got the details of a girl from a dating site and we text back and forth but no idea how to take it further it just seems to be "hey how are you today" then "im good and you" to "im good too" and getting stuck there.

Shes also a fragile person so not sure how to procced, she lost her mum and baby daughter 10 years ago which gave her depression so want to tread carefully.