OS Singlies - We Do It Our Way!

dND

'Daily Fail' I know, but worth a quick peruse - sort of explains why I'm single

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3180252/Are-dating-emotional-manipulator-Relationship-experts-reveal-six-warning-signs-prove-relationship-toxic-lead-heartbreak.html

Byatt

dND wrote: »

'Daily Fail' I know, but worth a quick peruse - sort of explains why I'm single

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3180252/Are-dating-emotional-manipulator-Relationship-experts-reveal-six-warning-signs-prove-relationship-toxic-lead-heartbreak.html

That is my ex on all counts

The knowing I'd had enough and was going to leave is spot on too.

My mother had the same traits too, so I was already groomed and thought it was normal. In hindsight, I should have left within 6 months of marrying.

Timely reminder to be glad I'm single! :T

Byatt

This is lovely...


http://iheartdogs.com/while-on-vacation-this-dad-wanted-the-dog-to-feel-loved-so-he-did-this-wow/?utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=postplanner&utm_source=facebook.com

JustKeepSwimming_2

LavenderBees wrote: »

I'm not trying to say anything. I am saying what I believe. No, I didn't have anything like the kind of soft childhood you are suggesting - my Mam made it very clear to me from an early age that she much preferred my easier to manage brother, and then when my younger sister came along, I was well and truly pushed out. My sister has also been the source of a huge amount of hurt and emotional harm, and let's face it, she has succeeded in pushing me out of the family - something she has been trying to do for the last 40 odd years.

I was lucky in that my Dad was lovely, though to keep the peace, he allowed me to be continually emotionally neglected and only acknowledged this in the month before he died, when my sister's mask slipped and he was shocked to the core by her behaviour to me. Unfortunately for me, my Dad spent a lot of my childhood working away for 6 mths at a time, so I didn't have his emotional support when I needed it. My brother is non existent as far as emotions go...a chocolate fireguard as my Dad said when he needed his emotional support, and found it sadly lacking.

But as you say this is not a competition, and all I'm saying is that EVERY human being is hiding hurt and confusion, and I believe we do all have a choice in how we handle ourselves moving forward.

I have black days, extremely black days, where I have to accept I'm struggling and I allow myself that, but I made a decision many years ago, that I would not allow myself to be pushed under by people who seek to hurt me, and I stand by that decision as much as possible. That doesn't mean I feel any more good enough, fun enough, thin enough than you do. I doubt myself and my value every single second of my life, but I will not allow it to defeat me.

I don't manage it all the time, I am not Pollyanna by any means, but I make myself push through and achieve what I need to. It's a choice and at the risk of repeating myself, it takes energy, but I have to say for me, being reasonably positive takes less energy and less out of me than being miserable/negative does. So it encourages me to keep trying to be positive.

I can only say what works for me, but it's a choice I make.

The other choice I make is to avoid people who don't make me feel better. It works.

As for the gym, personally, I wouldn't even think about it; it doesn't fit into your life, so forget it...what would you enjoy instead? Going for a walk, perhaps? Just because someone suggests something doesn't mean you have to think of doing it or indeed, justifying why you don't. It's your life, and going to the gym or not is simply a practical decision to make. It sounds like a no brainer.

Anyway, big hugs to us all, I think. We're all struggling. All of us.

LB xx

I didn't meant to suggest I thought you'd had a soft childhood; I know you've had struggles with your siblings who sound vile from what you've said on here, so I'm sorry if I've offended you/hurt your feelings/hit a nerve or whatever, as that wasn't my intention. You've been very supportive of me (& everyone else on here), for which I'll be eternally thankful.

I shouldn't have posted when I did - I'd had a difficult few days & was feeling frustrated with friends comments, which I'd let upset me more than I should have. I should have waited until I was less upset & more rational :rotfl:

Your comment about the gym made me laugh - I'd had a similar conversation with 5 friends I'd met up with earlier that day. They've suggested meeting up in each others houses for a snack tea, which sounds lovely but I said at the beginning I didn't feel I could reciprocate - I only possess 3 chairs & a table you can only fit 4 people round at a squeeze. Then one friend said "Oh, but we can go out into your conservatory & use those chairs, silly" & looked genuinely amazed that I don't have a conservatory, & I seriously only had 3 chairs in my entire house The house we were in had a kitchen/diner larger than my entire downstairs + back garden...

I'd already sat through the holiday discussion (all going abroad for at least 2 weeks to quite exotic places or cruises, all going with husbands there all happily married to) & then most are going on second trips to stay with extended families etc. in holiday homes they or their families own.

I'd sat through the joining the National Trust discussion - how it would be good for me to get out & do a few more things (except there is only 1 property I can get to on public transport in a 20 mile radius of home, provided I don't want to go on a Sunday, of course when there is no transport). That's why I'm not a member, much as I'd love to go round their properties.

We then had a chat about a radio show where a 40 something woman with cancer was undergoing treatment alone as she didn't want to be a burden to her friends/didn't have family nearby (didn't hear the programme so may have got some of it wrong). They all said how they couldn't believe that anyone could be so alone to have to undergo all that without support; there must be something wrong with that person if family & friends don't want to help out, maybe she's a total cow really, blah blah blah - till I said that's exactly the position I'd be in unless they all took turns in taking me to chemo

Then they all came up with very good reasons as to why they couldn't help out all of the time - not that I'd expect them to, that wasn't the point (& thankfully this was all a what if conversation anyway). The point was that I would most likely be in that position, having no family/partner, & I didn't necessarily think that meant that I deserved to go through it alone...

As soon as the words were out of my mouth I wished I could disappear. I expect they wished it too :rotfl:

Anyhoo, to get back to the gym comment - we'd discussed it, but unlike your comment of it being a no-brainer for my life, when I gave my reasons for not going, I was told by one that I'm just being awkward, & always trying to make life difficult for myself - there didn't seem to be any thought that my reasoning could be right; in their eyes I'm always wrong or different, yet you see straight away that in that particular case, I'm right. If you can see if, why can't anyone else?

These friends are all lovely, kind people & I hate that I sound so negative towards them as they don't deserve it all - I just find it so exhausting having to explain why I'm in a different place to all of them for the majority of the time.

Your comment about avoiding people who don't make you feel good is one I've been mulling over for sometime with regards to Ma. I think I'd feel a lot better if I didn't have anything to do with her, as she is my worst critic, & I can't see that changing. But cutting her out of my life is out of the question (especially since I' an only child), so I deal with it by limiting visits. I cope better with her poison when I'm on my own - if its in public its mortifying but always near where she lives so nobody knows me, but when its in front of DD & DS its very hard. DD is incensed & wants to call her on things she says, but I know Ma is just dying for that to happen so she can spill some family secrets that I don't want DD & DS to know about until they're much older.

Can't believe I'm still battling with my Ma at the age of 46 :rotfl:

I'm good at forcing myself to do things to with DD & DS - DD has had a particularly difficult 18 months & in seeing various specialists etc. for which I've had to fight to see in some cases, & her needs are going to be very many & varied over the next few years if I'm going to keep her healthy & happy. She most likely won't be going back to school, so that's another lot of plans to make & possible battles to fight. As she's been centre of attention for so long DS has finally rebelled & started getting in to trouble - so fun & games there too. Any suggestions as to where I can get the energy/time/incentive to care about myself too after everything else will be most gladly received.

It must sound like I'm miserable a lot of the time, which I'm not. Life is definitely a struggle some days, more with practicalities than anything else, but its good far more than it isn't good. I'm aiming to keep my life simple, being at home with DD & DS & not interact with people too much. I find people more difficult as I get older & am looking forward to when friends stop asking me about dates, partners etc, or telling me how I'm doing it all differently & therefore wrong.

Byatt

Good for you Jks, saying what you did about being in the exact same position. Don't feel bad about it.

I must say I think sometimes that people are going to wonder what's wrong with me when I say I'm estranged from all my family, bar one and even that's dodgy.

I don't think you sound miserable a lot of the time, as I've said, a post is just a tiny part of our lives, but it's condensed and thus feels more intense. Well, I don't think I've said that before but something similar.

If I'd posted last night how upset I was with the neighbours last night over something relatively trivial, you'd think I'd lost it.

I can't remember the ages of your children, but is your son at the rebelling age. I won't ask details about your daughter on a public forum, but if you want to talk let me know.

It's really restricting without a car...public transport being pretty bad as well as expensive. Often it's a lifeline. Anything I want to go to socially involves driving. It's understandable why so many older people are frightened of losing their licences.

JustKeepSwimming_2

dND wrote: »

...I've always thought I'm being really smug if I think I've done something well or look good (you know the old pride comes before a fall thing!). Finally I'm beginning to believe in myself - and it's only taken 60 years :rotfl:

So just wanted to say that you are not alone. I'm beginning to think that it's actually other peoples insecurities that make them so judgemental. It's much easier to follow the herd than strike your own path - and if they point out other peoples errors then maybe they won't be scrutinised themselves.

Byatt wrote: »

Yes dND, I think you are right. I think most people have insecurities, even when I think, what have they got to be insecure about! But I have found that the unlikeliest people have some very sad and awful life experience. So I try now, not to judge a book by its cover.

I think also it's a gender/generational thing not being proud of our achievements. As well as childhood trauma.I was told often not to show off or be bigheaded and I was the least showy off child, painfully shy.

I still don't think my degree obtained in my 50s is anything to crow about!

I think that's fab :T

Jks, I understand about the childhood thing. It's like building our foundations on sand...about 50% of the time I'm ok (for me), but if an added worry or upset pops up in my life I feel the sand shifting. Currently it's the WTC thing, which has really given me a wobble. Not that I can't cope, I can and will, but the fragile security I've built has suddenly been taken away, or partly so, and I feel afraid. Of course I'm being proactive, making plans, even campaigning...(apparently I'm an infiltrator and an extremist according to the govt, go me)...

So I need to shore up the sand with a few boulders! ...

Think I need to do some shoring of my own too Byatt, & I agree with both of you about the whole not blowing your own trumpet thing too. I find it so difficult to share exam results etc. with others as it sounds like I'm boasting, when really I'm just good at taking exams (& it is a skill to some extent, rather than just me being clever or lucky). I often say I can't remember what grades I got, rather than say as I'm so uncomfortable in stating I've done something well.

LavenderBees wrote: »

Firstly, I assumed you were only about 12...what is it about MSE that makes everyone "sound" young?? :rotfl:

Secondly, You have a good point, and I also think there can be a great temptation by some who have been hurt to hit out at others to try to redirect that hurt, as if in some way, that lessens their own hurt. Of course, it doesn't. Sad thing to do though, perpetuating hurt...

One of the reasons I hope to foster is to try to break this kind of destructive cycle.

LB xx

I've read a lot about these cycles & I struggle to get my head around some of it. As someone who has suffered as a child there is no way I'd inflict the same kind of pain onto somebody else in a million years, yet I do keep hearing that eg: those who are children of alcoholics/addicts often go on to suffer similar addictions themselves, that those who are abused go on to be abusers. I did see the cycles of addiction running through certain families in a previous job, but more often I'd see the grown up children of addicts actively not choosing that way of life (if choice is the right word), & often with minimal input from any professionals.

Its such a fascinating field & I'd love to work in it again one day (when I can think about a career rather than just having a job that almost pays the bills) .

Any updates of when it could all be happening LB? So exciting.

Cranky - I suggested purple to DD as she was quite shocked at how much the blue had washed out, & she's quite keen on it when the bleach has grown out. She'd better get a job to pay for all of this :rotfl: I'm still debating which shade of brown to go for, how exciting am I?

Greenbee - isn't the Chrysler building fantastic? I'd love to go in every room & could spend days in there, exploring, if I was allowed to. Have a shockingly indulgent pudding & a large glass of red for me tonight when you're eating out. I'll be having cereal as I have lots of milk to use up & CBA to cook as DD & DS aren't here, so I'll live vicariously through you

dND - wish I'd seen that many years ago; would have saved me a lot of time & tears :rotfl: Still, its all character building (apparently)

BW - has the weekend started yet? It must be nearly time - got anything excited planned?

BookWorm

Good Morning

JustKeepSwimming wrote: »

BW - has the weekend started yet? It must be nearly time - got anything excited planned?

It has now

I didn't get in here yesterday as went to see some friends last night straight from work and by the time I got home just wanted my bed.

That same bed I was rudely awoken from by the postman at an unearthly hour (well to me anyway) for a parcel. Turned out to be some crisps to product test.. so all forgiven :rotfl: Post holiday diet will have to be delayed for a bit longer

Nothing particular planned for the rest of the weekend so will just see how it pans out. I have the usual list of house jobs to get done...but at the moment the internet and :coffee: look far more interesting

What are you all up to?

BW

3forholidays

Nothing glamorous I'm afraid BW - need to go shopping for some toiletries.

Enjoy the crisps - anything exciting flavour wise?

BookWorm

:hello: 3forholidays

There are 2 varieties - sour cream and chive and bacon & cheese - they are a kind of cracker crisp apparently - not sure what that means lol :cool:

Not sure my day can be called glamorous either.....so far I have managed to get dressed into my scruffs and scrub the bathroom, hoover the upstairs of the house and put a load of laundry on...... that's enough to make anyone envious right ... :rotfl:

Byatt

Well I started my day by falling over the coffee table whilst holding a cuppa and a bowl of yoghurt. I'm proud to say I didnt drop either, as it appears I can now fall like a cat having spent so much time with them!

Also, in my fun packed morning, I've worked out my WTC for next year...Well I think I have, the computations used addle my brain...I have figures written all over the place and have seriously lost the plot.

I might have another cuppa and try to avoid the coffee table...why are they called coffee tables by the way?

Ah crisps BW...lush.