OS Singlies - We Do It Our Way!

LavenderBees

You know, I doubt anyone intends to be insulting. At the risk of upsetting anyone (and believe me this is NOT my intention), I think it's how the suggestions are being received and why, that is potentially the issue.

I think all the suggestions have been wrongly focused on how you look/how you dress. But that is wrong, imho. What they are probably simply trying to help you address is your unhappiness, and a perceived lack of love for yourselves.

Now, don't all shout at me but be honest - beneath the surface, we all deeply doubt ourselves and, being single with no one on tap to continually tell us we're loved, we (or maybe it's just me??) doubt we are loveable.

But the truth is, if we don't love ourselves, we don't make an effort with ourselves, and I think that is what is being picked up on here.

IMHO, this can possibly be partially addressed by us taking a little time to love our physical selves, and that doesn't have to mean dressing girlie or wearing mascara, but can be as simple as trying to watch what we eat and drink. If we don't care, as singlies, unfortunately, I am damned sure no one else will care.

But deeper than this is what do we DO for ourselves to tell ourselves we are loved BY OURSELVES? How do we treat ourselves with the love and respect we are due? What do we do to make ourselves feel better? Because again, if we don't do it and care for ourselves, as singlies, no one else is on tap to do so.

So, I would take the superficial suggestions of wearing mascara or dressing a bit more girlie as examples only, and look deeper to see what would help you really value yourself. Because I think that's what is meant. Try not to be defensive, but think this was meant to try to help.

But then, I've been up since 4am for work, driven for 8 hrs, had 5 hrs of meetings, AND had a whisky & coke, so what do I know? :rotfl:

Nearly over the hump day...

LB xx

CRANKY40

ellie99 wrote: »

Sometimes I fancy a complete change of colour (usually red), but I've never had the courage.

Go for it :rotfl: I always consult the boy so he's not surprised when I collect him from school, but he encourages me and like to help me decide on the next colour.

JustKeepSwimming wrote: »

How are you getting on with the blue hair Cranky? DD has just had hers done last week (bleached then dyed) & she loves it so much she doesn't want to wash it in case it fades horribly. There are a few greenish streaks where the bleach didn't completely lift the old red dye, but the whole effect is fab. How often do you have to redo the blue?

This is the first time I've had blue. What the hairdresser did was to mix the bleach in different strengths so I have stripes of different shades. Some of it has washed out quite quickly, but some is still fairly blue/green. As my hair is light brown/blonde anyway (changes according to how much sun we've had) it looks fine between colours. I'm not doing anything to it just yet as we go to see my dad in London the middle of next month and he will have a fit of I turn up looking like a smurf :rotfl: The purple did last longer.

Byatt

Elona, I'm sure she wasn't being mean. It just made me feel ugh...when I already felt ugh...shes a lovely woman, naturally beautiful and very stylish. Effortlessly so...she could be dressed in a bin bag and look stunning. I'd look like I was in a bin bag.

She has complimented me when I've been sunnier...I just wasn't sunny that day.

I've never felt loveable, so the slightest put down hits home very quickly and takes me back to childhood etc faster than Concorde!

Anyway, I do know when I'm depressed I have a lot less interest in my appearance...when I start to wear a bit of mascara I know I'm feeling better.

greenbee

Byatt wrote: »

...when I start to wear a bit of mascara I know I'm feeling better.

So try putting the mascara on when you feel down and see whether it gives you a lift... conditioning works both ways!

I can tell when I'm getting down because I stop wearing colours. If I make an effort to dress in colours it lifts my mood. My wardrobe is now mostly full of colours to avoid the problem occurring in future... and I'm sure that it helps!

dND

I'm with you both LB, greenbee. What I wear, how I look is a mirror on how I'm feeling and by dressing up a bit - as little as changing my stud earrings for something a little more showy can brighten my mood. And it's not for anyone else as there is just me, the cats, the chickens and the alpacas on the farm and I go days without seeing anyone (and I'm happy with that last bit as I can find people so stressful :-) )

LavenderBees

Byatt wrote: »

shes a lovely woman, naturally beautiful and very stylish. Effortlessly so...she could be dressed in a bin bag and look stunning. I'd look like I was in a bin bag.

She has complimented me when I've been sunnier...I just wasn't sunny that day.

I've never felt loveable, so the slightest put down hits home very quickly and takes me back to childhood etc faster than Concorde!

Anyway, I do know when I'm depressed I have a lot less interest in my appearance...when I start to wear a bit of mascara I know I'm feeling better.

I bet she isn't any more naturally beautiful than anyone else, and as for it being effortless for her...I doubt it is. She CHOOSES to make this a priority for her. Now that could be because she has a reasonable level of self esteem OR it could be completely the opposite, and she makes herself do it.

But regardless, she CHOOSES to do this, and looking and feeling good takes effort, regardless of the natural loveliness. We all choose to make an effort to care for ourselves or not.

Me...I fluctuate between not caring (but really deep down I do, but on those days I just can't find the energy or often ii's the confidence), and other times I make an effort. I know which days I feel better and am more productive, and it isn't those days I don't care about myself.

But everything worth achieving takes effort, and all I'm saying really is that it might be hard to hear but if we acknowledge that effort is needed to care for ourselves, then whether the message is delivered well or not, the message is delivered with love for you. If the person delivering the message didn't care, they wouldn't bother delivering the message.

Not sure how it can be morning already, but I have another meeting in 10 mins. Surely, it's my turn to win the lottery?

Have a good day

LB xx

ETA - you were up early, Greenbee...or was it late?

greenbee

I'm currently on 'Mountain Time' LB, although clearly my jet lag isn't...

Byatt

Greenbee, I'm 62...I've tried the putting on mascara and faking it till I make it, but I'm clinically depressed and whilst on the outside I might look ok, it doesnt do anything for what's going on in the inside. There's are days where I think, just get through today and see how you feel tomorrow...

I mostly make the effort when I go out, but at the counsellors I was in work clothes, and whilst I appreciate that she was trying to be supportive all I could hear was, oh god...I look like a frump.

I have been in group counselling where some people express their depression through the way they look. Others, well they are turned out beautifully, make up, pretty dresses. And until they share you wouldn't guess how they are feeling inside.

I understand what everyone is trying to say, but when you are trying to just get through the next hour, any knock to your self esteem is a sledge hammer, however well intentioned and kind. I don't kneed to be told I should do this or that...if I could haul myself up from the pit, I would.

When I'm trying however, it may seem good enough to me, but not to everyone else.

And taking care of myself may involve things that seem like no effort to others, but in fact inside is requiring monumental courage just to 'be'.

Someone telling me I look well, (whatever that means lol) or that I look lovely ( a client or two have said things like, that colour really suits you...or you look lovely today....or I love the way your hair is...and I grow...you can see me touching the sky )

Edit, I've been in office environments where women have looked me up and down and said...nothing. Even when I've known I looked good.

Something I've done for years, is compliment women...even strangers, the girl at the checkout, standing next to someone at the bus stop. From 'I love your hair...' to 'that's fab perfume...' People grow...

I dont need to be told the negatives. I already know them and then some...

Not sure I've said what I wanted to say, and not trying to draw attention to myself with my 'stuff'...

I have to say LB, some messages are delivered with love or the best of intentions, but some are not... sadly.

Byatt

http://www.smallsforall.org/donate/

This is a web site that takes useable bras (and new knickers!), helping people in Africa...I'm sure we all have the odd, New, almost new bra that doesn't fit. They also cannibalise less than new bras.

BookWorm

Evening all

Can't believe it's Wednesday night already. Although, as one of my friends says.. all downhill (in a good way!) to the weekend from here

The plumber did turn up yesterday (half an hour late mind). He did the bits and pieces I wanted and seemed ok for the most part. Although, he did make some comments about some other things he thought need doing. I need to look into this further as if he is right (and not just trying to drum up extra work), it won't be cheap. Ho-hum

He also suggested there was something installed to do with the boiler (which was new 3 years ago) which was not as he would have done it. What is it with tradesman that they always do that thing where they suck in breath and shake their heads and say that whoever did x or y wasn't correct/any good etc? :mad: I don't get if they all have to go through the same training, how there can then be a myriad of different opinions on something they all do?

Just thinking about the suggestions or comments from other people....it's a bit of catch 22 in some ways. If you are not in the right place to want to put extra effort in or dress up, make up or whatever... then it's likely you are also not in the right frame of mind to take any suggestions in a positive way... however well intentioned. By the same token, if you can get make yourself feel better somehow, you are likely to respond less negatively to any comments. Of course, always easier said than done :cool:

Greenbee - since you mention Mountain Time.. does that mean you have been to/are in the Rocky's?

Byatt - thanks for the link. May look into that as I'm sure I have one or two bras that would be of use for them.