OS Singlies - We Do It Our Way!

LavenderBees

Byatt wrote: »

I have to say LB, some messages are delivered with love or the best of intentions, but some are not... sadly.

Very true, but hopefully not in the context of a counsellor or a friend, which if I understand it correctly, is the context that you and JKS have mentioned.

If it is anyone else, or indeed a "friend who isn't friend" then I feel we owe it to ourselves to shake off the negativity as quickly as possible, and get on with the positives in life.

If it hits the spot because it's the truth or we feel it is, then that's much tougher, of course. But we all have a choice to ignore or indeed accept advice.

And, of course, we all have sensitivities, and mountains to climb each morning just to keep going. Smiles and the "masks" we all wear as we get older that hide so many feelings and problems, should really mean we are kinder to each other not the opposite. Nice comments to each other should be the norm from all of us. No one's life is effortless; often we strive to ensure we appear that way as otherwise we're admitting to weakness, and that, too is difficult.

The good news though is that we can all learn to be more resilient. It takes effort to say "...off" and even more effort to say it with a smile on your face, but we can learn to do it

I'd go so far as to say sometimes it's very enjoyable, and I for one enjoy the practice, even if only said internally :rotfl:

LB xx

LavenderBees

BookWorm wrote: »

Just thinking about the suggestions or comments from other people....it's a bit of catch 22 in some ways. If you are not in the right place to want to put extra effort in or dress up, make up or whatever... then it's likely you are also not in the right frame of mind to take any suggestions in a positive way... however well intentioned. By the same token, if you can get make yourself feel better somehow, you are likely to respond less negatively to any comments. Of course, always easier said than done :cool:

Yep, I agree, and unfortunately, even when I'm in a positive frame of mind, a negative can and does knock me flying. Not easy at all

As for the plumber, he could be right that he might have done things differently, but that doesn't automatically make your last plumber wrong. Just different. There are often many ways to skin a cat, and comments like this are rarely positive and are designed to cast doubt in your mind, which of course, it has done.

My previous electrician dropped and smashed a light fitting, and blamed it on the person who had fitted it - my Dad. But you know what? when I thought it through, the light fitting had been absolutely fine for 10 years, so clearly couldn't have been a big problem. Nevertheless, it cast doubt in my mind that my lovely Dad could have left me with an unsafe electrical fitting, and clearly, he isn't here to defend himself.

Subsequently, I have found out some rather unsavoury info about the electrician, and let's put it this way, I doubt he's the kind to take responsibility for his actions. So, now I suspect he simply dropped the fitting, which is fine, accidents happen, but don't blame someone else (especially my lovely Dad)

:rotfl:

Anyway, an almost new electrician (i.e. one I've used before and been happy with) has been today and for the first time in 10 years I have heat in my bathroom :T:D

Life is good :rotfl:

LB xx

BookWorm

:T yay for heating in the bathroom. No wonder you are chuffed LB

JustKeepSwimming_2

3forholidays wrote: »

...JKS Sounds like your mum is scared of losing her independence and perhaps doesn't want to admit that she might benefit from some assistance. Regarding the works needed to the house and garden, could your mum be worried about the cost?

Glad you had a great holiday :j Expect cost is an issue, but if she sold her very large, expensive house & moved into a smaller one she could have it done how she wanted & not have to worry about cash. But that's too obvious & easy :rotfl:

ellie99 wrote: »

JKS, sympathies for trying to help your mum and getting nowhere, it's difficult, isn't it? Sometimes all you can do is pick up the pieces.

You do make me laugh...of course if you put something girly on the men will be falling over themselves :rotfl:
I'm sure your friends mean well, but really, who would want a partner who doesn't like it when you dress like yourself?

Yep, I keep trying to resign myself to not being able to do anything until crisis point, & just deal with it all then, but its darn hard I prey that when the crisis does come I'll be able to sort it out - just frustrating that things that could be put in place now to make life better for her won't even be discussed :wall:

Haven't tried the girly clothes yet Ellie, so not surprisingly I can't report any success yet :rotfl:

BookWorm wrote: »

Evening all

Can't believe it's Wednesday night already. Although, as one of my friends says.. all downhill (in a good way!) to the weekend from here

The plumber did turn up yesterday (half an hour late mind). He did the bits and pieces I wanted and seemed ok for the most part. Although, he did make some comments about some other things he thought need doing. I need to look into this further as if he is right (and not just trying to drum up extra work), it won't be cheap. Ho-hum

He also suggested there was something installed to do with the boiler (which was new 3 years ago) which was not as he would have done it. What is it with tradesman that they always do that thing where they suck in breath and shake their heads and say that whoever did x or y wasn't correct/any good etc? :mad: I don't get if they all have to go through the same training, how there can then be a myriad of different opinions on something they all do? ....

One of the plumbers I'd waited in for actually turned up :eek: & managed to sort of fix the shower, so it sort of works although the temperature control isn't as good so you go through several cycles during the shower but thankfully not freezing or scalding so its bearable (just ). Like your plumber there was a lot of deep breathing & head shaking - if I want a new shower fitting put in then I'll have to have a new overflow pipe fitted which will involve taking up floorboards, drilling through walls, replacing tiles (can't get the ones I've got on my walls anywhere) & lots of money. The overflow I have is in a now illegal position....

So I'll have to make do with a sort of fixed shower until it completely dies, & then rethink. He also said quite a bit of my plumbing was interesting & not the way he'd have done it that way. He also said my boiler had been too pressurised by the engineer that had serviced it last year, so that needs redoing. From the manual he's correct (& I can't have done anything to it to change it) so that now needs looking at before winter & the heating goes on..... I'd like to trust him & get him to do the boiler instead of my local chap but he's a lot more expensive.

Also need a flat roof doing - 2 chaps have turned up & both have very different ideas about how to do it. How on earth do I know which is the right way :question: (Obviously after I've had it done I'll then know that was the wrong way :rotfl:). Why is it so difficult?

JustKeepSwimming_2

LavenderBees wrote: »

...Now, don't all shout at me but be honest - beneath the surface, we all deeply doubt ourselves and, being single with no one on tap to continually tell us we're loved, we (or maybe it's just me??) doubt we are loveable.

But the truth is, if we don't love ourselves, we don't make an effort with ourselves, and I think that is what is being picked up on here....

I think I get what you're trying to say but possibly we are coming at this from different positions. I get the impression that you had a solid relationship with your parents & you know that you were loved by them. I'm sure it wasn't all sunshine & flowers, but you had an understanding, a knowledge that you were loved & therefore, worth loving.

I had the kind of upbringing I wouldn't wish on anyone - not vile all of the time, but bad enough to know from a young age that I wasn't wanted, loved or cherished. My Ma still tells me today that she didn't/doesn't love me like she feels she should & spent most of my childhood trying to get away from me & pretend she didn't have a child; that I'm just a woman she happens to know. My alcoholic Dad wasn't around much when I was growing up, & when he was he shouldn't have been allowed to parent anyone, but he did at least admit to getting it wrong & trying to put things right when he was old. And that doesn't cover half of my formative years....

So while I don't want this to sound like I want to win the poor me competition, I think if you've never felt loved by those around you at a young age, its is much, much harder to feel you're worth loving as an adult. Add in a a few disastrous relationships that confirm your unlovable status, then add in now being a long term singlie with friends/society keep telling you if you just did x,y,or z then you'd be better & then you'd deserve a partner.

Byatt wrote: »

...When I'm trying however, it may seem good enough to me, but not to everyone else.

And taking care of myself may involve things that seem like no effort to others, but in fact inside is requiring monumental courage just to 'be'....

Byatt, your post made me cry - I'm not clinically depressed (just as fed up as one can be with my situation). You have hit the nail on the head with your good enough comment. That is all I seem to hear from everyone, no matter how well intentioned they may be in pointing out my many faults or trying to help. Its exhausting enough just being.

LavenderBees wrote: »

I bet she isn't any more naturally beautiful than anyone else, and as for it being effortless for her...I doubt it is. She CHOOSES to make this a priority for her. Now that could be because she has a reasonable level of self esteem OR it could be completely the opposite, and she makes herself do it.

But regardless, she CHOOSES to do this, and looking and feeling good takes effort, regardless of the natural loveliness. We all choose to make an effort to care for ourselves or not.

Or she could be one of those people who manage to sail through life with a greater share of good luck (& better genes) than most of us :rotfl:

Me...I fluctuate between not caring (but really deep down I do, but on those days I just can't find the energy or often ii's the confidence), and other times I make an effort. I know which days I feel better and am more productive, and it isn't those days I don't care about myself.

But everything worth achieving takes effort, and all I'm saying really is that it might be hard to hear but if we acknowledge that effort is needed to care for ourselves, then whether the message is delivered well or not, the message is delivered with love for you. If the person delivering the message didn't care, they wouldn't bother delivering the message....

I don't know if it is a simple as making a CHOICE some of the time. I could do with getting fitter & losing weight, so a work colleague suggested I "pop to the gym a few nights a week" & after a few months I'd be well on the way. She's not wrong, but in my case (& I realise the practicalities of my life are probably more rubbish than many others just now) I can't just "pop" there - the nearest gym is a 40 minute walk, so doing a 30 minute work out actually takes me almost 2 hours, & as I have to go to work then I'd be going at peak time, & sadly there is nobody else at home helping DD & DS with homework, cooking tea, doing chores etc. All academic really as on one wage I can't afford a cab there & back (helpfully suggested by the same friend) or the darn gym in the first place :rotfl:

So while it may seem I'm choosing not to go, in reality I don't feel it is a choice. When the kids are older, it'll be different (& that thought is what keeps me going some days, provided I'm not then caring for Ma).

And there is a part of me that knows deep down that whatever hoops suggested by friends I jump through, I still wont be good enough, or thin enough, or enough fun to be with blah, blah, blah & there'll just be more, different hoops to jump through.

LB - please don't think I'm having a go at you. Your posts make a lot of sense in an academic way to me. Just feeling a little hopeless today, so sorry for mithering.

Roll on tomorrow

greenbee

BookWorm wrote: »

Greenbee - since you mention Mountain Time.. does that mean you have been to/are in the Rocky's?

I can see them from the hotel room window. I keep looking at them when I'm supposed to be working. The scenery here is amazing!

Off to the east coast tomorrow for a week...

dND

Byatt wrote: »

Greenbee, I'm 62...I've tried the putting on mascara and faking it till I make it, but I'm clinically depressed and whilst on the outside I might look ok, it doesnt do anything for what's going on in the inside. There's are days where I think, just get through today and see how you feel tomorrow...

:grouphug: Been there, got the t-shirt and thankfully off the prozac, (even though the big wide world is scary) and it is tough learning to love yourself. I've always thought I'm being really smug if I think I've done something well or look good (you know the old pride comes before a fall thing!). Finally I'm beginning to believe in myself - and it's only taken 60 years :rotfl:

So just wanted to say that you are not alone. I'm beginning to think that it's actually other peoples insecurities that make them so judgemental. It's much easier to follow the herd than strike your own path - and if they point out other peoples errors then maybe they won't be scrutinised themselves.

Byatt

Yes dND, I think you are right. I think most people have insecurities, even when I think, what have they got to be insecure about! But I have found that the unlikeliest people have some very sad and awful life experience. So I try now, not to judge a book by its cover.

I think also it's a gender/generational thing not being proud of our achievements. As well as childhood trauma.I was told often not to show off or be bigheaded and I was the least showy off child, painfully shy.

I still don't think my degree obtained in my 50s is anything to crow about!

Thank you for sharing.

Greenbe, I hope I didn't sound snarky with my comment in my earlier post. I didn't mean to...:o hope you are enjoying your holiday, it sounds amazing.

Jks, I understand about the childhood thing. It's like building our foundations on sand...about 50% of the time I'm ok (for me), but if an added worry or upset pops up in my life I feel the sand shifting. Currently it's the WTC thing, which has really given me a wobble. Not that I can't cope, I can and will, but the fragile security I've built has suddenly been taken away, or partly so, and I feel afraid. Of course I'm being proactive, making plans, even campaigning...(apparently I'm an infiltrator and an extremist according to the govt, go me)...

So I need to shore up the sand with a few boulders!

To think at 16 I thought when I was 22 I'd know it all!;)

Bookworm, your plumber sounds like some hairdressers who ask me, who did your hair last? With an expression that suggests its rubbish. One I replied to, It was you...:cool:

CRANKY40

My mum liked my sister more than me because I am definitely my father's child whereas my mum thought my sister may have been her boyfriend's child (she was having an affair from before my sister was born until she finally left home when I was 18 and my sister was 15). My sister being the favourite child could have resulted in us being bitter enemies and some sort of complex for me but luckily it hasn't. Our mum died when we were 21 and 18 respectively and we are good friends. Being the favourite child isn't all it's cracked up to be, trust me.

Today I am pleased that I replaced the screen in my son's laptop. All on my own. By myself...you know the kind of thing :rotfl: To be fair it's the first thing he's ever broken, but I'm still pleased that I did it without carting it to PC world or similar and letting them charge me a fortune for it.

Byatt

My younger brother said the same thing about being the favourite, although to be fair I spoiled him rotten too, well into adulthood...

My mother was very adept at playing off her children though, for some years I couldn't understand why my siblings were so cross with me, and then found out my mother was telling them things I hadn't said.

Well done on changing the screen, I wouldn't know where to begin.:T