OS Singlies - We Do It Our Way!

Byatt

http://yourcat.co.uk/Your-Cat/cat-on-a-hot-clay-roof.html

CRANKY40

Byatt wrote: »

http://yourcat.co.uk/Your-Cat/cat-on-a-hot-clay-roof.html

How typical :rotfl::T:rotfl:

BookWorm

greenbee wrote: »

I can see them from the hotel room window. I keep looking at them when I'm supposed to be working. The scenery here is amazing!

Off to the east coast tomorrow for a week...

Sounds lovely

Byatt wrote: »

Bookworm, your plumber sounds like some hairdressers who ask me, who did your hair last? With an expression that suggests its rubbish. One I replied to, It was you...:cool:

:rotfl:love it Byatt


Just checking in to say hi...feeling very weary tonight. Pleased there is only one more day of work to get through til the lovely weekend is here

LavenderBees

JustKeepSwimming wrote: »

I think I get what you're trying to say but possibly we are coming at this from different positions. I get the impression that you had a solid relationship with your parents & you know that you were loved by them. I'm sure it wasn't all sunshine & flowers, but you had an understanding, a knowledge that you were loved & therefore, worth loving.

I had the kind of upbringing I wouldn't wish on anyone - not vile all of the time, but bad enough to know from a young age that I wasn't wanted, loved or cherished. My Ma still tells me today that she didn't/doesn't love me like she feels she should & spent most of my childhood trying to get away from me & pretend she didn't have a child; that I'm just a woman she happens to know. My alcoholic Dad wasn't around much when I was growing up, & when he was he shouldn't have been allowed to parent anyone, but he did at least admit to getting it wrong & trying to put things right when he was old. And that doesn't cover half of my formative years....

So while I don't want this to sound like I want to win the poor me competition, I think if you've never felt loved by those around you at a young age, its is much, much harder to feel you're worth loving as an adult. Add in a a few disastrous relationships that confirm your unlovable status, then add in now being a long term singlie with friends/society keep telling you if you just did x,y,or z then you'd be better & then you'd deserve a partner.



Byatt, your post made me cry - I'm not clinically depressed (just as fed up as one can be with my situation). You have hit the nail on the head with your good enough comment. That is all I seem to hear from everyone, no matter how well intentioned they may be in pointing out my many faults or trying to help. Its exhausting enough just being.



I don't know if it is a simple as making a CHOICE some of the time. I could do with getting fitter & losing weight, so a work colleague suggested I "pop to the gym a few nights a week" & after a few months I'd be well on the way. She's not wrong, but in my case (& I realise the practicalities of my life are probably more rubbish than many others just now) I can't just "pop" there - the nearest gym is a 40 minute walk, so doing a 30 minute work out actually takes me almost 2 hours, & as I have to go to work then I'd be going at peak time, & sadly there is nobody else at home helping DD & DS with homework, cooking tea, doing chores etc. All academic really as on one wage I can't afford a cab there & back (helpfully suggested by the same friend) or the darn gym in the first place :rotfl:

So while it may seem I'm choosing not to go, in reality I don't feel it is a choice. When the kids are older, it'll be different (& that thought is what keeps me going some days, provided I'm not then caring for Ma).

And there is a part of me that knows deep down that whatever hoops suggested by friends I jump through, I still wont be good enough, or thin enough, or enough fun to be with blah, blah, blah & there'll just be more, different hoops to jump through.

LB - please don't think I'm having a go at you. Your posts make a lot of sense in an academic way to me. Just feeling a little hopeless today, so sorry for mithering.

Roll on tomorrow

I'm not trying to say anything. I am saying what I believe. No, I didn't have anything like the kind of soft childhood you are suggesting - my Mam made it very clear to me from an early age that she much preferred my easier to manage brother, and then when my younger sister came along, I was well and truly pushed out. My sister has also been the source of a huge amount of hurt and emotional harm, and let's face it, she has succeeded in pushing me out of the family - something she has been trying to do for the last 40 odd years.

I was lucky in that my Dad was lovely, though to keep the peace, he allowed me to be continually emotionally neglected and only acknowledged this in the month before he died, when my sister's mask slipped and he was shocked to the core by her behaviour to me. Unfortunately for me, my Dad spent a lot of my childhood working away for 6 mths at a time, so I didn't have his emotional support when I needed it. My brother is non existent as far as emotions go...a chocolate fireguard as my Dad said when he needed his emotional support, and found it sadly lacking.

But as you say this is not a competition, and all I'm saying is that EVERY human being is hiding hurt and confusion, and I believe we do all have a choice in how we handle ourselves moving forward.

I have black days, extremely black days, where I have to accept I'm struggling and I allow myself that, but I made a decision many years ago, that I would not allow myself to be pushed under by people who seek to hurt me, and I stand by that decision as much as possible. That doesn't mean I feel any more good enough, fun enough, thin enough than you do. I doubt myself and my value every single second of my life, but I will not allow it to defeat me.

I don't manage it all the time, I am not Pollyanna by any means, but I make myself push through and achieve what I need to. It's a choice and at the risk of repeating myself, it takes energy, but I have to say for me, being reasonably positive takes less energy and less out of me than being miserable/negative does. So it encourages me to keep trying to be positive.

I can only say what works for me, but it's a choice I make.

The other choice I make is to avoid people who don't make me feel better. It works.

As for the gym, personally, I wouldn't even think about it; it doesn't fit into your life, so forget it...what would you enjoy instead? Going for a walk, perhaps? Just because someone suggests something doesn't mean you have to think of doing it or indeed, justifying why you don't. It's your life, and going to the gym or not is simply a practical decision to make. It sounds like a no brainer.

Anyway, big hugs to us all, I think. We're all struggling. All of us.

LB xx

LavenderBees

dND wrote: »

:grouphug: Been there, got the t-shirt and thankfully off the prozac, (even though the big wide world is scary) and it is tough learning to love yourself. I've always thought I'm being really smug if I think I've done something well or look good (you know the old pride comes before a fall thing!). Finally I'm beginning to believe in myself - and it's only taken 60 years :rotfl:

So just wanted to say that you are not alone. I'm beginning to think that it's actually other peoples insecurities that make them so judgemental. It's much easier to follow the herd than strike your own path - and if they point out other peoples errors then maybe they won't be scrutinised themselves.

Firstly, I assumed you were only about 12...what is it about MSE that makes everyone "sound" young?? :rotfl:

Secondly, You have a good point, and I also think there can be a great temptation by some who have been hurt to hit out at others to try to redirect that hurt, as if in some way, that lessens their own hurt. Of course, it doesn't. Sad thing to do though, perpetuating hurt...

One of the reasons I hope to foster is to try to break this kind of destructive cycle.

LB xx

greenbee

Byatt wrote: »

Greenbe, I hope I didn't sound snarky with my comment in my earlier post. I didn't mean to...:o hope you are enjoying your holiday, it sounds amazing.

nope, you didn't sound snarky. I do understand that the same tactics don't work for everyone. I'm lucky enough not to suffer from clinical depression, but like many of us I have to work had at not letting myself get down and miserable and apathetic.

If this trip was a holiday it would indeed be amazing. Sadly it's a work trip but I'm making the most of the opportunities (I took a photo of the Chrysler building earlier as I managed a quick walk between arriving at the hotel and needing to eat and prep for tomorrow's meetings).

I have been making a concerted effort, on behalf of us all to go to the bar/restaurant or a cafe rather than eating in my room.

dND

LavenderBees wrote: »

Firstly, I assumed you were only about 12...what is it about MSE that makes everyone "sound" young?? :rotfl:LB xx

:rotfl::rotfl: Thanks LB, that started my day with a giggle. :rotfl::rotfl:

I think it's because those of us on here aren't sitting back and letting life slip by - the mere fact of contributing to these forums means we are still willing to learn and that is a 'young' thing.

LavenderBees

greenbee wrote: »

I have been making a concerted effort, on behalf of us all to go to the bar/restaurant or a cafe rather than eating in my room.

:T


Is it easier over there? I'd hope that the service culture would mean the waiting staff would help you feel welcome, at least.

But lucky you getting to see the Rockies...I only see my kitchen and Knutsford :rotfl:

LB xx

CRANKY40

LavenderBees wrote: »

The other choice I make is to avoid people who don't make me feel better. It works.

I second this. Best advice ever, even if you're related to those you must avoid.

Byatt

CRANKY40 wrote: »

I second this. Best advice ever, even if you're related to those you must avoid.

Ive been doing that for years, although it's been made easier in some cases, that the relatives have been doing the same to me.;)

Of course my DD is a different matter, but I have been stepping right back, and not dwelling on it too much.

Lovely day here, although I've had a long lie in...and will have a peaceful rest of the day.

Greenbee, I must have missed it was work related. I've been to NY a couple of times...loved the food...I loved also that stores were open late!

Aha, dND, the fountain of youth, we've discovered it. :T

Edit, I'd like to add that the things I say in posts probably express my inner feelings and thoughts, something like a diary. It's a way of getting things out there when there's no one at home to hear the day to day stuff. I often find that letting the negative thoughts out, helps me. It just unblocks restrictions and let's go of sadness into the ether which enables me to carry on. It doesn't mean I'm sitting here being miserable and not making the effort. Sometimes I am, but not for an extended time. The feeling that someone somewhere understands makes such a difference to my well being.