OS Singlies - We Do It Our Way!

moneyistooshorttomention

Keep us posted LL re the funeral arrangements. I agree with the thought of you doing your own flowers too. No point in lining the florists' pockets when you can do ones you much prefer and at a cheaper price and, as you say, pay for your husbands friends to have a drink on him instead.

We shall watch your new life afterwards unfolding afterwards with interest.

JustKeepSwimming_2

Got horribly distracted yesterday, so didn't have time to come back & post a big :grouphug: to LB - sorry you're having yet more shoite to shovel, but delighted to hear the lost (yeah, right) jewelery has been found. Also so sad to hear about old boy cat, even though it isn't a surprise its still rubbish having to go through it all. I feel for you. And no, I'm glad I asked, because that's what we're all here for isn't it?

LavenderBees wrote: »

Pretty low and exhausted, unfortunately, but with periods of looking forward to stuff/enjoying stuff, so in answer to my nosy neighbour's question this morning...no, I don't think I'm depressed, just low and exhausted. Betcha you wished you hadn't asked, sorry If I feel like this after my restful holiday, I guess I need to talk to my doctor.

So... making an effort to be sociable and join in here ...

I've had a mixed weekend - fleeting day visit to a friend near Cambridge on Saturday, which was very pleasant, but emphasised the yawning gap between us at the mo re family situation/money/support etc. .

Scrubbed the henhouse yesterday, and enjoyed the girls' company lots, they have an opinion on everything, and talk really good common sense .

Had a surprising letter from toxic brother advising that toxic sister has "found" Mam's jewellery etc,...hmmmm.... like I ever thought it was lost...it's exactly where I knew it would be :mad:. What is a surprise is that she has admitted she has it, and it seems I can choose my share of the wee bits & pieces. They clearly want their money that I am kind of holding to ransom...;). But that is good news, though until I see what is there, I can't help feeling there will be important pieces missing like her wedding ring. We shall see...but not until after my holiday. I just can't face it all just now. Even this good news had me reeling emotionally. I have responded to say that as Mam's jewellery was with Dad's jewellery, then I assume that, too has been found, and I want to see/choose from that, too. Yep...will never have this level of "power" ever again so I may as well go for broke. Wish me luck!

What else?

Oh, yes . My wee old boy cat is getting smaller, disturbs me for cuddles about 5 times a night (but I know I'll regret it if I don't oblige...it won't be for long, I feel it in my bones ), and is eating less and less. It distresses me to watch him slipping through my fingers like this, so close to losing Mam and Dad, and so similarly. But he still seems comfortable, and I have talked to the vet about what I want to happen should he deteriorate in the cattery when I am away, so I know I've done my best. But it's hard.

Ummm....good stuff now though.... I have been thinking of getting a dresser for the dining side of my kitchen, but today, did a body swerve on that idea, and ordered a sideboard for my living room (for the storage and display room), and put an already owned bookshelf in the dining area, which, if I may say so, looks pretty bloomin good. It's a stop gap for the kitchen, but it cost nothing (ignoring the sideboard :eek:, which I got free delivery & double points, but no money off ).

Apart from that, I've pretty much packed for my hols, which is a grot job, and so pleased to have that out of the way. I also was starting to feel very stressed at the thought of driving to Manchester airport. It was becoming a huge hurdle to overcome mentally, so I've booked train tickets instead, and now I feel ok about the holiday again, thank goodness. :T

So, another busy weekend, and as usual, I am staggered that so many of you manage to have lazy days. Lucky bu66ers! But the last laugh will be on me as in a week or so I will be lying in the shade, sleeping (I hope!), and having cocktails delivered to me . Can't wait!

Sorry, I'm not interacting much, and this is more along the monologue lines than anything else, but hopefully,this has given a wee flavour of the pressures I'm feeling (and I haven't even mentioned work!! :eek:). Please bear with me, there's got to be light at the end of the tunnel...!

Have a good week

LB xx

MummyBobble wrote: »

Life sure is a roller coaster isn't it? Going from DD's fab results and enrolling at college on Thursday, on Saturday I had the ex telling me I should sell the house, move somewhere smaller and he'd be a couple of hundred quid a month better off! :mad: As a result I have been very much in CBA mode since.

I think the biggest problem with being a singlie is doing it all on your own, but at least we don't have someone to drag us down. I certainly find it very difficult to care about myself because I don't believe I'm worth it. That goes back a very long way to having a mother who would regularly make comments along the lines of "I'd have been happy if you'd never been born". I have some more counseling through Occ Health at work starting this week so hopefully that will get me back into the onwards and upwards frame of mind.

JKS I'm sure your children will turn out fine. As proud as I am about DD's results that's not what it's all about. I also have DS who is only interested in sport and his x-box (he's every bit as clever as DD but can't be @rsed...). Just be Dory

Lots of us are going through difficult times and I truly appreciate being able to come here and winge/moan/brag depending on where the mood is, and of course there's always good news about chickens :j

Cold, wet and windy here this morning (the weather, not me )

LB hope you can relax and enjoy your break :grouphug:

Goodness MB, that's rather a tall order from your OH :mad:. I'm assuming you know your legal rights about your home - it's a difficult thing for us singlies to sort out, especially us single parents. I'm relieved that my ex has absolutely no financial hold over MY house, even when (if ever?) my 2 leave home.

As MSTM pointed out, you make an excellent point about not having anyone else to drag us down, & I feel I ought to focus on that more than I do. I may make awful decisions, but at least they're my decisions, & I have nobody else to mither about exactly how awful they are!

Thanks for the comment about my 2 - I think they'll probably turn out OK & as long as they are happy, & remember a mostly happy childhood. I don't think they'll be academically gifted (which is really annoying to ex-OH as he's obviously God's gift to academia ) but they seem grand most of the time.

lessonlearned wrote: »

Hi everyone

Still raining here but I have to get out and about.

OHs funeral on Thursday everything just about done. Just the flowers. I'm going to do them myself. I refuse to pay £££s on a formal arrangement that I don't even like. Just going to buy my own and make a simple sheaf. The money I save will go "behind the bar" at the wake.

I'm also at the stage of helping elderly parents so can relate to your discussions. I had to sort out dad's finances and my sister tries to organise his meals. Nightmare!! Mum has dementia and we couldn't find her jewellery. I hunted through and found pieces squirrelled away all over the house, in cups in the kitchen cupboard, stuffed in the back of drawers. It ended up being quite a treasure hunt.

Re the "not being really wanted". Well what can you say. I guess this is far more common than people will ever admit to. My father never actually said it. He didn't have to, I know how he felt. Some things don't need to be said - the vibes are easy enough to pick up.

It's bound to affect the child, how can it not. Probably one of the key factors in people with low self esteem. We all need to be loved and adored.....:D

Although I had a less than doting father I was lucky in finding a husband who adored me. I shall miss him dreadfully but I will have so many happy memories to sustain me. His parents were also rather cool and distant.

How much of it is just down to different parenting styles I wonder. We both resolved to treat our boys very differently. We didn't spoil them with money and material goods but we loved and nurtured them, creating a warm and loving family home. We didn't over indulge them but they knew that whatever happened we loved them and were always "on their side"

I dare say some might say we were "soft" but the proof of the pudding....My boys are healthy, happy well adjusted young men of 28 and 30. They adored their father and are heartbroken at his long illness and death.

However they have been a tower of strength both in helping me nurse him and in supporting and looking after me. They knew they were loved and cherished and they have grown into such fine thoughtful considerate men. They are quietly confident and happy souls.

I do help my parents but sometimes I have to admit it's more about duty then pure love and affection.

Before I had my own children I used to torture myself because I didn't feel that I truly loved my parents enough. However having my own children taught me that it wasn't my fault that my parents didn't seem to have that same no holds barred all encompassing love for me that I have for my boys.

I learned that you have to be truly loved yourself before you can learn to love properly. So now I accept that I just need to love my parents "enough" and I have stopped torturing myself and no longer feel racked with guilt.

I forgave my parents long ago. I just finally accepted that they would never have the same depth of feeling for me that I have for my boys. I realised that it wasn't their fault really. Once I had accepted that it all became much easier.

I know it sounds naff but if you can accept and forgive then it does help you to move forward. Your self esteem will improve and you will feel much happier. Forgiveness will set you free.

Sounds a bit new age hippy dippy I know but I do think that holding on to pain and disappointment is detrimental to our health and well being.

Forgiveness is like a soothing balm. It heals.

Hope those who are down and unhappy have a better day.

Still no sun but gentle rain is good. It waters the earth and makes things grow:D

LL - will be thinking about you tomorrow.......

Many of you have made helpful posts about self esteem & not being wanted so :T to all of you. It echos what I think logically about my childhood & parents, & feel my own unhappy childhood has given me an excellent example of "How Not To Parent" . While its horrible that so many of us have had unhappy childhoods o&/or felt unwanted, it helps me to know I'm not the only one.

LL - you are so wise. I've tried several times to forgive my mother for a spectacularly dreadful series of decisions she made, but its only in the last 3 years that I think I've finally done it. Now I just feel very little for her, apart from a sense of duty. That sounds awful, but I'm sure if you all knew what she'd done, you'd understand, but I'm not posting it all.

But I don't have the same feelings of anger & injustice, & that has made my life better.

moneyistooshorttomention

Took myself out for the day again exploring area and, with buses being the way they are(nt) here, then lunch out was called for.

Was sitting there eating my lunch I had ordered in what I realised was obviously an extremely popular caf! with the locals (they were starting to queue for seats by the time I had finished my meal) and it struck me that I had just been deciding exactly where I felt like having lunch as usual for a day out (ie with the thought literally not even crossing my meal that I wouldn't eat exactly where I decided to) and it had been a toss-up between my sort of place (ie rather foodie/fashionable and with some new stuff on the menu for me to try) and that local caf! and I decided to choose the caf! for cheapness. It honestly had never occurred to me I might be denied a table for being a singlie and I wonder whether that is whether I don't recall EVER having been denied one for that reason?

I just walk into wherever I have chosen and just stand there at the bar (in a more caf! type place), with my purse out ready to put in my order. In a more restaurant type place, I just check for tables without a "reserved" sign on them and put my things down at the table I have decided on and just sit there leafing through the menu to see what I will decide to have.

Maybe my never being thrown out as a singlie is just down to my total confidence (born of the thought never crossing my mind it might be any different) that I've decided to eat in that place and so I will?? Perhaps I haven't been thrown out because I literally haven't given them the opportunity to do so, as they would have to physically eject me from a table I am already sitting at??

Just a thought....

ellie99

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

It honestly had never occurred to me I might be denied a table for being a singlie and I wonder whether that is whether I don't recall EVER having been denied one for that reason?
.

Well, It had never occurred to me either, until it happened.

I was stunned, and didn't take it further. I think if it happened again now if I would make more of a fuss. I did think about writing to complain, but decided I didn't want to dwell on it.

Are you saying that those of us who have been refused service had it happen because we aren't confident enough?

MummyBobble

Phew, panic over and crisis averted! After turning the place upside down searching for my debit card (including the bins, just in case) I thought to go onto online banking to see where I used it last. Local shop, legged it round and there it was. I'd left it in the card thing yesterday and they'd kept it for me :j. What a flipping numpty

JKS, unfortunately the house is still in joint names but we had an understanding that I'd remain here with the children until they were financially independent/through uni or whatever course they took. It's their home and just because their dad couldn't keep it in his pants shouldn't mean they have to leave (in fact since "the conversation" DD has announced that she's going to go to a local university so she can live here as long as she likes :eek:). I've decided I'm going nowhere unless he forces me to, though I've always agreed that I would downsize once the children were moved out (and still intend to, less cleaning :rotfl:). However, I'll be the one that has to find a new home, sell this one, do all the packing, cleaning etc, there's only five years left on the mortgage so he'll be that £200 a month better off when DS starts uni. If he thinks I'm going anywhere he's wrong. Get me being all strong and decisive .

Ellie99, I think that the confidence to deal with things comes with age and experience (I have plenty of both heehee). 10 years ago I had a job that involved being away overnight in hotels, and although I was happy to sit in the bar with a drink and my book in the bar I would always have room service for my meal. If I had the opportunity now I'd have a darn good meal in the restaurant and some fine wine (especially if work were footing the bill).

LL, tomorrow will be sad but I hope the happy memories help xx

moneyistooshorttomention

ellie99 wrote: »

Well, It had never occurred to me either, until it happened.

I was stunned, and didn't take it further. I think if it happened again now if I would make more of a fuss. I did think about writing to complain, but decided I didn't want to dwell on it.

Are you saying that those of us who have been refused service had it happen because we aren't confident enough?

This is what I am wondering, and wondering if we go in with a Total Confidence look about us and just sit where we have decided that the restaurateur wouldn't have the nerve to create a scene by throwing us out??

I'm wondering whether people asked "Is there a table for me?" and got told "No" because they had asked and perhaps if they had just sat down and "got on with it" they wouldn't have been chucked out?

What were the circumstances in which you got thrown out? Had you got as far as sitting down and obviously studying the menu as to what you wanted to have? Another thought I am wondering about is my automatic reaction to a waiter approaching my table after I have sat down is to ask for a glass of wine straight away and maybe they think I'm waiting for A.N. Other to join me and keeping myself with a drink in hand whilst waiting and, by the time they have realised I'm just quietly getting on with having my drink whilst browsing that menu, its a bit late to throw me out. Any second approach to my table is met with "I'll have so and so, with such and such please" <smile>.

Good point MB that maybe that confidence (or apparent confidence...ahem) comes more with age and experience. I just tend to take the view that its not my fault if I couldn't meet Mr Right, so why should my life be any different in any way I can help iyswim? and that includes "Fair 'nuff for me to go and sit in a restaurant if I wish to for a meal".

Horace

Afternoon all. Well lunch was a success even though I made a mistake with the soup last night and added a beef oxo cube to it, it tasted a bit bland this morning so I added Worcester sauce to it and blended it a bit but there were still lumps. For pudding we had some raspberry cake that I picked up from the whoopsie shelf in the supermarket yesterday.

We had a good old natter - we had a lot to catch up on. She is having troubles of her own, her civil partner is making life hell and is making all these silly comments like I will kill myself or if I can't have you no-one else can - all this after saying that she no longer felt the same way. To be honest she is on a cushy number so has no need to leave. My friend does everything (cooking, cleaning, gardening, looking after a dog she didn't want), my friend also owns the house outright (partner not wanting anything to do with it) now partner refuses to leave. They have been together for a long time and life is getting worse since the partner has come close on several occasions to being sectioned. If I had the baseball bat, I think I would use it on her behalf. I don't think I could cope with the isolation and the constant verbal abuse - my friend feels that she is not allowed to have friends at all. Why do people have to be so vile?

I went to the park to pick up the stuff - more equipment has arrived and more people. Must admit that I did shudder when I saw the huge gouges where machinery has been bogged down a bit (all in an area around the newly graded cricket pitch) - the damage will have to be repaired of course. I had thought of going back to the park to take photographs but I won't because the fencing is going up and there is too much machinery moving about - I don't want to get squished.

My friend was very good, she changed a fuse for me but the lamp still didn't work so it needs attention from an electrician. She has offered to put up some picture hooks for me so that I can hang some paintings. We used to work together and got on like a house on fire and stayed in touch after I was made redundant - but you know how it is we lose touch with people. Anyway, we are back in touch which is the main thing.

lessonlearned

Tables at restaurants..

Reminds me of my husband when he was but a callow youth., just 21.

He strolls into this posh restaurant with a couple of friends. He was in full hippy mode paint spattered jeans, ripped t shirt long flowing locks.

Snooty waiter tried to turn them away saying no room.

My OH pointed to a spare table which was holding linens! crockery etc. and enquired quietly in his well modulated tone "Tell me, is that table reserved"

The waiter admitted it wasn't.

my husband replied "Then we we'll have that one. We will be at the bar whilst you set it for 3"

The waiter soon changed his tune, he almost saluted my husband.

What my husband lacked in dress sense he made up in charisma. He had it in spades and could charm the birds of the trees.

Funeral tomorrow. I've got a few butterflies but I'm sure it will be fine.

dibuzz

Will be thinking of you tomorrow LL

ellie99

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

This is what I am wondering, and wondering if we go in with a Total Confidence look about us and just sit where we have decided that the restaurateur wouldn't have the nerve to create a scene by throwing us out??

I'm wondering whether people asked "Is there a table for me?" and got told "No" because they had asked and perhaps if they had just sat down and "got on with it" they wouldn't have been chucked out?

What were the circumstances in which you got thrown out? Had you got as far as sitting down and obviously studying the menu as to what you wanted to have? Another thought I am wondering about is my automatic reaction to a waiter approaching my table after I have sat down is to ask for a glass of wine straight away and maybe they think I'm waiting for A.N. Other to join me and keeping myself with a drink in hand whilst waiting and, by the time they have realised I'm just quietly getting on with having my drink whilst browsing that menu, its a bit late to throw me out. Any second approach to my table is met with "I'll have so and so, with such and such please" <smile>.

Good point MB that maybe that confidence (or apparent confidence...ahem) comes more with age and experience. I just tend to take the view that its not my fault if I couldn't meet Mr Right, so why should my life be any different in any way I can help iyswim? and that includes "Fair 'nuff for me to go and sit in a restaurant if I wish to for a meal".

I went into the building and there was a small bar room on one side of the corridor, and a larger restaurant type room on the other side. A waitress was in the corridor, so I asked her which room the band were playing in that night, as I wanted to see them, and also that I wanted a meal first. She responded by saying there was no table for me, and that they were busy, although there was hardly anyone in the restaurant at the time.

So no, I didn't sit down, it would have been rude to walk past her without speaking IMO, and I wanted to know which room to choose. I didn't go in there with no confidence.

I'm not into playing games, I'm not going to pretend that I'm waiting on someone joining me. Thinking about it, if an establishment doesn't feel that my custom is worth having, then it's not the type of place that I wish to spend my money.

ETA - saying "thrown out" sounds a bit dramatic, makes it sound as though I was forcefully ejected by a burly bouncer!