OS Singlies - We Do It Our Way!

nicki_2

lessonlearned wrote: »

Although very pretty buddleahs can be very invasive. They need to be kept in check. The seeds will take root anywhere and new plants can colonise and destroy masonry and brickwork etc

My son bought a house with a buddleah growing out of the guttering, it had grown downwards forcing its way through the brickwork - cost us a small fortune to repair the damage.

We destroyed the parent tree.

If you do decide to grow buddleahs don't let them seed, cut the flower heads off as they start to fade and go brown before they go to seed.

Well done yo your daughter MB.

Please tell me how you destroyed the parent tree! There's loads growing in the tops of the walls around my yarden and I've tried a few things with no luck. :mad:

lessonlearned

Chop it down to soil level, (or at least to the branch where it grows out of the wall) and inject with poison. You can buy it any garden centre or diy shed.

Best done in the autumn because as the plant slows down and "rests" for the winter it will draw the poison into the roots.

You may need to do it more than once because they are tough little blighters……

Re the forgiveness bit …..

You are right Byatt some people never change, never see the error of their ways and therefore don't deserve forgiveness.

I think you just have to do what you are comfortable with. All I know is that if I harbour resentment and anger then it makes me ill. If I can let go it's easier on me, altogether better for my health and well being.

When I was 17 I ended up with a stomach ulcer. My GP told me that it was my father's doing and that I had to find a way of distancing myself from him, either physically or metaphorically, or I would end up seriously ill.

I don't know. Maybe "acceptance" might be easier than pure forgiveness. I know I would find it hard to simply absolve someone. The church might be able to do absolution but I certainly can't.;)

Even a couple of weeks ago, just 6 days after my husband died, my father was vile to me. I was enraged and I stewed with anger for days. As I result I was physically in so much pain I felt I was dying too. Grief is hard enough to bear without my father compounding it by being thoughtless and crass.

When it happened I exploded and gave him a tongue lashing. I then wrote him a "let him have it" letter which I sat on for a couple of days and then destroyed, rather than sending it.

Why did I not send it and let him have the full force of my rage. Because I'm better than him. I don't have to stoop down to his level. I'm above all that. Sounds conceited perhaps?? Who cares I am the better person. I won't get down and fight in the gutter with him. This of course enrages him, he hates it when I don't react.

If you cant forgive then perhaps try just to "Accept". That way you can at least move forward because you are no longer locked in a cycle of hate, recrimination and bitterness.

Constantly rehashing old arguments, hurts and slights only keeps the flame of anger alive. It eats away at you and destroys your equilibrium. Accepting someone is as they are and that they will never change doesn't just let them off the hook, it lets you of the hook too. Its hard but sometimes its best to just shrug your shoulders and walk away, head held high.

Keeping my distance works for me.

I left my father that afternoon with clear instructions not to contact me. He tried but my son fielded the calls. I made it plain that I do not want him at my husband's funeral. I was not prepared to let him upstage my husband's final journey from this world by his bad behaviour.

Tbh after the way he treated me and the things he said I cannot bear my father near me. I was hurt not so much for myself but because of the insult to my late husband.

I have spoken briefly with my father on the phone since then. That will do for now. I will be holding him at arms length for some time to come. I am a new widow and I deserve a little peace and tranquility.

I will never forgive him for that last final episode but I accept that that is what he is like and he will never change. (He's 88). He is just a nasty and vicious man, nothing to do with age and infirmity, he always was and always will be. I cannot absolve him, but I can at least accept and just walk away.

I have not written him out of my life, but he will have to remain on the outer fringes where he can't upset me ever again. He will die a lonely and embittered man.

It used to bother me that the end of his life would be so lonely and sad but I've learned that is the way it will be and nothing will change that. That's just his Karma…….and again I've learned to accept that. I no longer feel guilty.

He spent most of his life being vile to all and sundry until everyone deserted him except my sister and I. Even his own siblings hardly give him the time of day. Apart from my sister and I sticking it out to the bitter end and doing a daughter's duty, he will die alone, unloved and unmourned.

Not a nice end but you reap as you sow.

It's hard when people hurt you, but in the end you just have to let it go and keep an open heart. I refuse to end up like my dad, spending my final years all bitter and twisted and alone.

MummyBobble

Sorry for my earlier" poor me" post, but it has been one of those "if I could I'd take myself off to bed and stay there" times.

I believe though, that those of us who have difficult childhoods/relationships (while we may still carry the scars), become better people for it because we know the damage unkind thoughts and words can bring, so go out of our way not to repeat history. Hugs for you LL at a very difficult time.

By the way Byatt, I'll borrow your baseball bat when you're done with it :rotfl:

lessonlearned

MummyBobble wrote: »

Sorry for my earlier" poor me" post, but it has been one of those "if I could I'd take myself off to bed and stay there" times.

I believe though, that those of us who have difficult childhoods/relationships (while we may still carry the scars), become better people for it because we know the damage unkind thoughts and words can bring so, go out of our way not to repeat history. Hugs for you LL at a very difficult time.

By the way Byatt, I'll borrow your baseball bat when you're done with it :rotfl:

This is it, hopefully we learn from our parents mistakes and dont repeat them with our own children.

And yes, baseball bats, even if they are only metaphorical are useful things to have around. :rotfl:

moneyistooshorttomention

LL

It sounds like you have a lot to forgive with your father and, yes, distancing sounds a good idea here.

I would tend to agree that "acceptance" rather than "forgiveness" is more apt most of the time when someone has treated us badly.

I think you can really only forgive if there has been a genuine apology and attempt to put things right (at that point I would plump for "forgive and forget"). If the wrongdoer hasn't done that and obviously never will, then acceptance is the way to go (as in, remembering what they have done, but deciding to put up a mental wall around yourself as far as they are concerned, so they cant hurt you any more and telling yourself "They're children/they're young...you were young once"). Even people well advanced in age can be "children" in their conduct and I can certainly think of one 80-something "child" right now and I know I just have to deal with this in my usual way. That is think "They are very young, they are just a baby" and have as little to do with them as possible and be glad of the fact that my mind conveniently forgets bad comments people have thrown at me and just remembers enough to think "Be wary of them. You know what they are like and don't give them the chance again", but I forget all the details of the nastiness they have thrown at me. The only thing I have become quite sure of (various mistakes in dealing with them later) is that the best motto for them is "Do NOT respond", no matter how nasty/"young" they are being and trying their hardest to get a rise out of you.

Saves the constant rehashing and further rehashing of conversations in my head and thinking "If I'd only said so-and-so, instead of such-and-such, maybe I could have got them to interact reasonably with me". I've forgotten what they said virtually as soon as they have said it, but just kept the Warning Flag about them up in my head.

It saves making oneself ill by mentally stewing on it over and over again.

Personally, I'd still like apologies/restitution from those who are due to give me them, but it aint gonna happen ...so what's the point of wishing for that? and will just regard it as a pleasant surprise if they do ever do so.

I know its much much easier for me to think that way than many, ie because my own rock-solid certainty about how life is/what its about makes it much easier than if I thought a different way to what I do.

But "blanking" and "deliberate forgetting" are ways of doing this "acceptance thing" and I tend to advocate them, whatever way you think. There are so many "young" people on the planet (as in young of themselves, regardless of physical age) that the only way to survive a spell on Planet Earth seems to boil down to "If you cant beat em join em" (which I refuse to do) or "Blank and forget and blank and forget" some more. So I prefer to "blank and forget" and it does help "retain sanity" whilst here.

Horace

Firstly, I have sent off the application form and a read receipt has been sent - now I wait.

I am terrible for holding grudges, when I was 13 mum arranged for me to have my hair cut (I was thinking that I would be getting a trim), I was physically sick when I came out of the hairdressers with short hair and all my lustrous locks that came to below my bottom had been cut off at the neck into a plastic bag. I never spoke to the hairdresser again and didn't speak to my mum for 6 weeks.

I got told frequently that I should never have been born. I am actually surprised that mum had kids because she isn't the least bit maternal. Dad once told me that it was my unplanned appearance that put paid to them emigrating - I remember telling him that they could have emigrated afterwards and anyway I could not be blamed for their poor decisions. Now I have self esteem issues - mum likes to remind me that I am fat (yes I am fatter than I would like to be but there is no way on this earth that I will ever be 7st again). These days if I want to visit I have to make an appointment - so I tend not to bother as it is too much effort. I have also been told off for not having kids - during an argument I told my mum that I never had kids because I did not want her influencing them, that was pretty harsh. I have never wanted kids so I didn't have any.


I have done my good deed for the day - two airpots of boiling water and the means to make hot drinks have been delivered to the stage riggers in the park - it was still raining this morning and they looked thoroughly miserable.

I have been shopping too and hung around listening to some garbage about sticky lint rollers, sure they looked good but I do not have £23 to spare but I did get a free micro towel which might come in handy. Soup will be made later - bread has been bought too (including a loaf for the freezer), tomorrow's lunch will be fridge forage soup and if I have time later I might bake a cake.

lessonlearned

Well I hauled myself out, went to the bank, post office and mini tescos. Both sons here fore dinner tonight so lashed out and bought some nice steak. Man Food.

I bought some greenery and ribbon for the funeral flowers, will buy the flowers tomorrow, probably from Costco.

I reckon if I spend around £50 I will have enough for a simple sheaf, enough roses for each of the close family and friends to place on the coffin, a rose for the buttonholes for the coffin bearers (my sons and two of my husbands close friends) and still have enough to fill a vase.

The florists wanted £225 for a horrible stiff display.......I hate to see flowers twisted into unnatural shapes and overly formal arrangements.

My OH would much rather his friends "had a drink on him" rather than me spend a small fortune on flowers. Anyway I like the idea of doing them myself - it's more personal.

I've more or less done everything now. I've made a start on some of the paperwork and form filling that you need to get through. There's a lot of it. It will take some time but I'll just pace myself and do a bit each day. Getting through the elephant - one bite at a time:rotfl:

After that well who knows. After 34 years together, the last 9 of which he was ill, I shall have a lot of free time on my hands.

One of his nurses asked me what I intend to do with myself. My answer was simply this. I intend to build myself a life. He wouldn't want me to become a lonely recluse, he loved life and was full of joie de vie.

In his memory I shall embrace my new freedom and grab life by the scruff of the neck. I'm 63 now so no time to waste.

Not quite sure what the next step will be.

All ideas on a postcard please............:rotfl:

lessonlearned

There a funny little icon at the top of my last post. No idea how that got there, I'm such a technophobe. Oh well it's doing no harm.

lessonlearned

Horace - your mum was so wrong to say that to you. That must have hurt.

Could it have been jealously and insecurity do you think. Perhaps she saw you as a rival for your fathers affections. The hair incident would seem to suggest this might be an issue for her. If so that's very sad for all of you.

You are probably right not to visit them much. Why torture yourself. Life is too short.

dibuzz

That's a lovely idea, your flowers will be much more special than a bought arrangement.