OS Singlies - We Do It Our Way!

MummyBobble

Life sure is a roller coaster isn't it? Going from DD's fab results and enrolling at college on Thursday, on Saturday I had the ex telling me I should sell the house, move somewhere smaller and he'd be a couple of hundred quid a month better off! :mad: As a result I have been very much in CBA mode since.

I think the biggest problem with being a singlie is doing it all on your own, but at least we don't have someone to drag us down. I certainly find it very difficult to care about myself because I don't believe I'm worth it. That goes back a very long way to having a mother who would regularly make comments along the lines of "I'd have been happy if you'd never been born". I have some more counseling through Occ Health at work starting this week so hopefully that will get me back into the onwards and upwards frame of mind.

JKS I'm sure your children will turn out fine. As proud as I am about DD's results that's not what it's all about. I also have DS who is only interested in sport and his x-box (he's every bit as clever as DD but can't be @rsed...). Just be Dory

Lots of us are going through difficult times and I truly appreciate being able to come here and winge/moan/brag depending on where the mood is, and of course there's always good news about chickens :j

Cold, wet and windy here this morning (the weather, not me )

LB hope you can relax and enjoy your break :grouphug:

ellie99

Lavender Bees, there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel :grouphug:

mum2one wrote: »

Then tonight - gone through all the household bills etc as dad does all that, mum doesn't even check the bank statement, he does it all...

it makes me wonder how many other people of my mums generation (shes 69) never deal with day to day money, and do the cooking etc, we joke it took my dad 25yrs to make an apple pie... bad enough trying to sort my own money out without someones elses, - but when its your parents, need to be there.

I hope it's not too long before your Dad is back home.

My parents are exactly the same...Mum won't touch anything financial, and Dad doesn't cook. We've discussed it recently, and Mum's answer is that she's going to get me to deal with everything!
And she's perfectly serious, Dad's going to show me where he keeps all his paperwork so I can do it. But what can you do, I can't refuse to take care of my Mum. The frustrating thing is she's a bright and intelligent woman, but she just doesn't want to do it.

I wonder if it's something to do with the technology we have nowadays? Some older people don't want to use it (not just the internet, even things like direct debits and phone banking).

As a singlie I'm more independent and obviously do the finances AND the kitchen duties , but who knows how I'll feel when I'm 80?

moneyistooshorttomention

Mummy Boble

You make a very valid point there that at least there is no-one to "drag us down" at any rate. True. Will remember that.

I'm sorry you had/have a mother making comments like that to you (ie the regular "I'd have been happy if you'd never been born" ones). That's bang out of order for her to say that.

Mine told me once that I hadn't been "planned". I had already worked that out and felt sorry for her that my birth was pre 1970s And All That (ie prior to the Pill and legal abortion).

I don't know how old you are? as to whether you were born 1970s onwards??? Your mother shouldn't make those comments even if you were born pre-1970s. I understood the one comment from my mother about me not being "planned" and, as a 1950s baby can understand/sympathise and felt it was acceptable to say so just the once. Even she wouldn't have been entitled to regularly repeat the comment though.

For a child born 1970s onwards it is very very much out of order for a parent to ever say that at all and any child born after the Pill/legal abortion came on the scene is fully entitled to turn round to the mother concerned and tell them to shut up and that its all THEIR fault that they (ie the child) is here and stop moaning about their own decisions (or lack of) and take responsibility for their own actions.

You're entitled to tell your mother not to say this any more (whenever you were born) and if you are après-1970s then "make that with bells and whistles on it".

:mad::mad::mad: on your behalf.

lessonlearned

Hi everyone

Still raining here but I have to get out and about.

OHs funeral on Thursday everything just about done. Just the flowers. I'm going to do them myself. I refuse to pay £££s on a formal arrangement that I don't even like. Just going to buy my own and make a simple sheaf. The money I save will go "behind the bar" at the wake.

I'm also at the stage of helping elderly parents so can relate to your discussions. I had to sort out dad's finances and my sister tries to organise his meals. Nightmare!! Mum has dementia and we couldn't find her jewellery. I hunted through and found pieces squirrelled away all over the house, in cups in the kitchen cupboard, stuffed in the back of drawers. It ended up being quite a treasure hunt.

Re the "not being really wanted". Well what can you say. I guess this is far more common than people will ever admit to. My father never actually said it. He didn't have to, I know how he felt. Some things don't need to be said - the vibes are easy enough to pick up.

It's bound to affect the child, how can it not. Probably one of the key factors in people with low self esteem. We all need to be loved and adored.....:D

Although I had a less than doting father I was lucky in finding a husband who adored me. I shall miss him dreadfully but I will have so many happy memories to sustain me. His parents were also rather cool and distant.

How much of it is just down to different parenting styles I wonder. We both resolved to treat our boys very differently. We didn't spoil them with money and material goods but we loved and nurtured them, creating a warm and loving family home. We didn't over indulge them but they knew that whatever happened we loved them and were always "on their side"

I dare say some might say we were "soft" but the proof of the pudding....My boys are healthy, happy well adjusted young men of 28 and 30. They adored their father and are heartbroken at his long illness and death.

However they have been a tower of strength both in helping me nurse him and in supporting and looking after me. They knew they were loved and cherished and they have grown into such fine thoughtful considerate men. They are quietly confident and happy souls.

I do help my parents but sometimes I have to admit it's more about duty then pure love and affection.

Before I had my own children I used to torture myself because I didn't feel that I truly loved my parents enough. However having my own children taught me that it wasn't my fault that my parents didn't seem to have that same no holds barred all encompassing love for me that I have for my boys.

I learned that you have to be truly loved yourself before you can learn to love properly. So now I accept that I just need to love my parents "enough" and I have stopped torturing myself and no longer feel racked with guilt.

I forgave my parents long ago. I just finally accepted that they would never have the same depth of feeling for me that I have for my boys. I realised that it wasn't their fault really. Once I had accepted that it all became much easier.

I know it sounds naff but if you can accept and forgive then it does help you to move forward. Your self esteem will improve and you will feel much happier. Forgiveness will set you free.

Sounds a bit new age hippy dippy I know but I do think that holding on to pain and disappointment is detrimental to our health and well being.

Forgiveness is like a soothing balm. It heals.

Hope those who are down and unhappy have a better day.

Still no sun but gentle rain is good. It waters the earth and makes things grow:D

moneyistooshorttomention

You're spot on there Lesson Learned.

It is possible to pick up the vibes as you say. Even in the generation of children born to us Baby Boomers (ie the first Wanted/Planned Generation) there must be some "unwanteds" I feel. Reason being...I can see very clearly just who the "wanteds" were - because of that air of security/quiet confidence they have about them. They aren't the "spoilt/allowed to do what they please" brats some of the subsequent generation are, ie those who are grandchildren of Baby Boomers (ie allowed to get away with murder to make their parents' life easier and blow other people). They are the wanteds in the children of the Baby Boomers and you can spot them a mile off (I certainly can anyway and the ones I know like that do tend to be nice/considerate/etc people).

lessonlearned

I know that there will be people who disagree with this but I do think
That the "spoilt brats" - of any generation - have had a great disservice done to them. They too are victims of poor parenting.

They have not learnt the virtues of self restraint and self discipline. They will never be successful and they will never be happy, serene and content. They will never experience true love and devotion because they won't be able to give it.

They too have been short changed by their parents.

moneyistooshorttomention

I agree with you on that too LL.

Children, of any generation, need to be brought up to know where the "boundaries" lie and at what point they would be infringing unreasonably on other people (be they their parents or a total stranger).

My eyebrows go up with astonishment at hundreds of £s being spent on Prom dresses on the one hand or children not having been taught that other people are using communal facilities besides themselves on the other hand. I think they need to be taught the value of money and that it needs to be earnt and what "share" of communal facilities other people rightfully have and then they will grow up to be fair-minded/reasonable people hopefully.

JustKeepSwimming_2

Byatt wrote: »

JKS, that's my life you described about being CBA, I've spent my life caring about others' in particular my DD to the huge detriment to my health. I'm really trying now not to go into CBA mode (it seems everyone else is worthy of care except myself )...but it's not easy. A In an attempt however this past weekend I've cooked two lovely dinners (both the same but I enjoyed them ), have rested all day today, as I am still so sad about the old lady. (I'm not blaming myself as such, just very sad, the PC said things like that have a ripple effect and I was likely to feel things I wasn't expecting...I said I already am), the little cat who died and my DD's shenanigans.

Anyway, maybe start with something smallish, make yourself go out for a walk, plan a dinner for yourself ...fave book or film...

I'm sure others will have better suggestions.

One reason why I'm staying where I'm staying even though the accommodation is not ideal...is that I've realised I need to be near at least some services/shops/buses/taxis/tain station, as I get older. Not sure what would happen if I had a stroke or something like that, because it would not be ideal at all building wise, but if it's relatively less traumatic, then I can get to local shops (there's plenty of elderly people who I see about managing under extreme duress physically), have shopping delivered. I don't have anyone to help family wise and therefore would have to rely on neighbour and friends. None of whom can be relied upon to be around as their circumstances change too.

Thanks Byatt - I guess the whole sad situation about the lady will continue for some time if there will be an inquest, & even longer if there's a court case. Oddly I found some very helpful people at the Coroner's Court when I was involved with a sudden death some years ago, & yes, the feelings did go on for a very long time. It wasn't a good time - although this was the death of a family member, so I guess it would feel worse (for want of a better word).

Horace wrote: »

My parents own the house I live in - I fell in love with it when I first stepped through the door and they bought it for me. One thing that my mum in particular was insistent on was that the home is close to public transport and shops because we don't really know how much longer I will be able to drive. At the moment I am ok but there will come a time when I am not.

I am within walking distance of a small village (where there is a library, my favourite butcher, a few small supermarkets and a few independent shops), just down the road there is a Morrisons and if I walk down the hill, there is a new town centre with a large Sainsbury and soon there will be a massive M&S. There are also some little local shops and takeaways near me too although they are a bit pricey and therefore only used in emergencies. A little corner shop opened up before Christmas but the police recently closed it along with the council as they got bored with selling bread, milk and provisions and started selling Class A and Class B drugs. There is also a little bus that goes around and you just stick your hand out and it will stop for you - apparently the fare is 50p but I don't know and only go by what my elderly neighbours tell me.

My CBA struck again today - I have been trapped in the house all day because it is raining (will it ever stop?). I got up fashionably late, took my meds, watched some tv and had a shower at around 10.45. I have poked around in the pantry to see what I have - still no bread, sugar or butter (as if these would miraculously appear overnight). Found some slices of bread in the freezer - had jam sandwiches for lunch. I have a steak out of the freezer so will eat that tonight and serve it with spuds, veg and gravy.

I need to buy food and petrol, if I can get petrol then I can get to Aldi without having to faff around with buses and can therefore carry more. My freezer is almost bare, the fridge is bare. I need to get somethings in as my chum is coming round for lunch on Wednesday - she might be served fridge forage soup and a bread roll.

I wonder if I am depressed - I am not looking after myself at all. What will help will be a job that pays - not much luck on finding one at the mo though.

The rain certainly doesn't help at all :mad: & job hunting when you need to rather than when you want to can be disheartening.

Glad I'm not the only one who serves up fridge forage food - although I CBA to make soup so it's either dunked in gravy or stir fried. Or dunked in custard which is my favourite option

I'm also mindful of needing more care/access to facilities as I age . I'm OK now (provided they don't cut the already dire bus service any more) & I am within walking distance of a smallish supermarket, but walking to my GP takes 25 mins now & my hospital visits involve a 4 hour round trip on 4 buses, so I think they may become more of an issue in the future.

ISTR we discussed moving into bungalows some time on here - when (if?) my 2 leave home I'm seriously thinking about doing this. All a bit long term for now & I'd prefer to move to a cheaper area in a city than stay where I am, but that then means a change of job. All too much to think about it for now.

ellie99 wrote: »

I used to be like this with food...I don't like cooking much so if there was no-one else here to feed I'd be really lazy and not cook much. I've even eaten chocolate instead of an evening meal on occasion

But lately I've been more aware of what I'm eating. I usually hang out on the OS weight loss thread, and have lost 3 stone so far. I still have unhealthy weekends too often (pizza anyone?), but now I'm much more likely to make something with veg even if I'm alone.

It's convincing yourself that you're worth taking care of and looking after I've decided it's my responsibility to be as healthy as I can be as I get older, so that my children don't have to worry about looking after me (because of course there's no OH in the picture!)

I'm not saying I eat healthy all the time, but I'm trying to improve.

You're worth looking after too justkeepswimming

btw, I like your signature, is it a quote?
It's exactly how I feel too

Thanks Ellie - I'm sure chocolate does count as a meal though, so that's OK. I occasionally go straight to a glass of red for dinner (as in tea, not lunch) on a really CBA day.

My signature is from "Mulder & Scully"by Catatonia - sure you'd know it if you heard it. BTW I am single but not particularly thin :rotfl:

Yep, it is all to do with not feeling I'm worth it. Which isn't helped by society thinking I'm an outcast for being a singlie, & being refused entry to restaurants & theatres as I'm on my own :mad:. On a good day I couldn't care less, but on a CBA day it isn't so easy.

Thanks to all for telling me I'm worth it (madly flicking my hair too, but starting to feel a bit dizzy :rotfl:)

ellie99

That was a lovely post lessonlearned, I'm with you all the way on forgiving to improving our contentment with our own lives.

JustKeepSwimming wrote: »

Thanks to all for telling me I'm worth it (madly flicking my hair too, but starting to feel a bit dizzy :rotfl:)

I thought it was just me imagining the hair-flicking :rotfl:

Oops, just heard some really weird noises coming from the kitchen...seems I put an egg onto boil and forgot about it
I really need an open plan house where I can see my kitchen at all times, I have a terrible habit of putting food on to cook, and then wandering away to do something else. My excuse is the kitchen's too small to sit down in, and what am meant to do when it's cooking? can't just stand and watch it. The problem comes when I get into something else and forget the time

Oh well, it's had an extra 20 minutes, it'll be well hard boiled by now :rotfl:

Byatt

Nope, I don't do the forgiveness thing...may explain my bitter & twisted old woman image...never have, from a very young age, I can bear a grudge for a long time . Having said that, I have to be pushed to the limit and have suffered some horrid abuse, and would forgive possibly if the persons concerned expressed their regret,and made an effort to change, but of course they never do.

I still have feelings of extreme rage and anger towards my ex for example, that could only be assuaged by the use of a baseball bat (metaphorically speaking ) and that is because my problems financially are directly related to his actions. It's not there all the time, just when things get particularly tough.

Again, with my parents (both dead, so no resolving anything), I have moments of rage. I probably accept what they did and said, because I can see it from an adult perspective, along with experience, but I am still angry at times, mostly for the lies and deceit that went on and had a profound effect on all of us children.

I accept that I will not find contentment if I don't forgive, but I also find not forgiving a great motivator as anger will spur me on to do better, achieve more.

Ellie, I do the exact same thing when cooking...many a time I think, "I can smell burning..." :eek:

edit, I also think bringing up children is the luck of the draw, nurture of course has its place but so does personality/nature, otherwise we'd bring up carbon copies of our children. There's a formula I guess but they will be influenced by more than just their family.