OS Singlies - We Do It Our Way!

mothernerd

My father wasn't a nice man (that's how I phrase it) and could always find the most hurtful comments possible to make. I took him a pan full of turkey stew one Christmas Eve after the cats had managed to break into the defrosting turkey and chewed one of the legs - I cut round the part where they had got through the packaging leaving a margin of 1" and cooked the rest as usual.

I told him the story and he immediately went on the attack and saying that I couldn't afford the cats and offered to drown them for me. I had to go round to my mum's cousin's house to calm down before I went back home to me 3 sons and their lovely animals (3 from the same litter as 2 kittens divided by 3 boys doesn't go). He was vile when my aunt died.

I was always the one who got called when he was in hospital or needed something, neither of my brothers had seen him in the 3 years before he died. About a year before he died he said something and I realised he would never recant or apologise, there would be no touching deathbed scene. I mostly keep my childhood locked up inside me as I can't do anything to help that child and it just makes me sad.

My ex-husband is currently dying - he has been for the past 6 years or so, with illnesses brought on as a consequence of smoking since he was 13 (he's still denying that his days as a 30 pint a day man have anything to do with it). He has been regularly admitted to hospital for operations he might not get through - he had emergency dialysis just before Easter, was released then was readmitted after he tried to cut up some cardboard on his knee and slipped and lost nearly a litre of blood.

The first time he was admitted, I asked him if he had a will (having had to sort out my father's and then my brother's estates when they hadn't). He said he would scribble something down on the back of an envelope. So every time he has been admitted I worry about having to pay for his funeral (my sons responsibility but they are only just getting on their feet), sorting his estate and the resulting damage to my finances. He fell down the stairs at his brother's in Spain at Christmas 2012, needed a hip operation and my eldest was trying to get an emergency passport and wanted me to find the money for air fares to go and bring him back.

This is the man who gambled all our money away (found out when I was 4 months pregnant with DS3), never paid a penny in maintenance (thought I should have sex with him for the cash), I lost my job as we were running a small business and I needed complete financial separation from him. I put up with an awful lot but he has also been vile to the boys, especially DS3. When we were 'talking' he would phone 'to see how you are', which rapidly changed to a complaint that he hadn't heard from one or more of the boys ie he had been obnoxious, they would not speak to him, could I make them speak to him. He has never apologised for anything.

My sons are the only good thing from our relationship and marriage but I do hate being publically associated with him (have had 3 discreet long-term relationships which I value but no-one ever moved in, they were always gone before the boys woke up) and that he still causes me grief, 20 years after I divorced him. He wanted us all to go out to 'celebrate his birthday and 'official retirement' (as opposed to what for the last 15 years). I declined (10 minutes of thinking about it, my stomach was churning), DS3 likewise, DS1 managed to be in Greece with his gf's family - my mother went.

I love my mother dearly, in many ways she is a lovely woman, but she is very different from me. She broke off with her first boyfriend because he didn't want to marry her (she was 17). She immediately took up with my father and married him at 21 despite everyone else knowing she shouldn't (including his mother). She finally left him after 25 years (it had got to the stage where she thought he would kill her next time) and has had several relationships since. I don't expect her to be celibate but she always needs to be in a relationship and she does go for strange control freaks - the penultimate one didn't like children so I wasn't allowed to visit in case he was there (he mostly didn't speak to his own children or see his grandchildren).

Her latest is a 'benign tyrant'. They have lived together (in his house) for 17 years, split the bills, she does all the chores. She has done a lot to be accepted by his family - in some ways it's the large family she has always wanted and she is really wrapped up with them. His youngest grand-daughters (twins) still go every Friday for tea as they have since they were teenagers, because they couldn't go back to an empty house when both their parents were working. My 3 had to cook their own tea (DS2 is same age as twins, 26 now) every day as one of my many jobs was from 5pm till 7pm.

She has probably babysat for her lodger's daughter (now 14, also a frequent Friday visitor) more often than my sons (I once went out with some people from my college course at the end of term, phoned home at 10.30pm to ask if I could 'go on somewhere', only to be told that she had expected me 'to be back before this'). My sons have all seen her once in the past year but not for several years before that, she just hasn't been around for them whilst all her partner's family treat the place as the family home - until she fell downstairs in February last year they all sat down while she ran round like a mad thing pouring drinks and providing biscuits if not full meals.

I never wanted to get married, bought and paid for my own home by the time I was 25, intending to live alone. Got sucked into the relationship with my ex (he glared at all my friends until they went away, leaving me isolated), was going to leave but found I was pregnant, fully committed to the baby by the time I had the results and got lumbered with useless lump who gave me 11 years of misery and bad sex. DS1 and I would have been better off on our own from the start, but then I wouldn't have the other two and I love them all dearly, even when they are being pitas.

Have been dragged back into seeing mum once a week since her accident. Her partner has alzheimers and other health problems. Twins and their father are doing most of the support work and appointment schlepping - especially married with 2 kids one who is also doing primary support for their aunt (currently in a home but planning to move to specially adapted bungalow). I am currently pressing for partner's other 4 children to start doing more eg 'babysitting' while mum goes out (not that she can go far) rather than visiting while mum is there, so that they understand where he is at atm.

Anyway the point of this is not to moan. I am fine (apart from the non working hip). I just wanted you all to know I share and understand the things you are going through. Many many hugs and it will get better. Just need to find my portable rainbows - hang on, can I

Had to ask DS3 for help (hadn't got a code, transferred it as a picture - hope it doesn't break anything).

Byatt

Mummy-bobble, the baseball bat is well worn, but still serviceable.

Your ex saying what he did about the house is another way to press your buttons...my ex was about as perceptive as an amoeba, but always knew what to say or do to upset me (not that he saw me upset). Having said that, I stopped reacting to him 3-4 months after separating, never spoke, wrote or answered anything he sent to me. Yes I wrote the letters but never sent them, and he only "entered" my life again through my DD, which upset me a great deal. But still I didn't respond.

I don't think I can accept even, although I know being upset makes me ill... I try not to repeat history, nonetheless, for the most part it's not helped...

I have however removed myself from the lives of the rest of my family because of their nastiness and I find that makes a huge difference to my well being, I don't feel guilty or miss them. I miss of course the dream of family which doesn't exist for me.

I also have my lovely cat to love along with a couple of really good friends, and that's fine for me.

Please don't think I mentally hash things over all the time, I don't...but sometimes something sets me off and the anger comes, but it passes more quickly these days.

MummyBobble

In the words of Monty Python, from the Life of Brian...

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And......always look on the bright side
of life...
(Whistle)
Always look on the light side
of life...
(Whistle)

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle
- that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright
side of life...
(Whistle)
Come on.
Always look on the right side
of life...
(Whistle)


I'll try to see if I can get a link to the song when I've sorted tea out (you have to get the whistle right for it to work!) :grouphug: to all x

moneyistooshorttomention

Yur tis:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHPOzQzk9Qo

and my take on that is "Sometimes the bright side translates into thinking 'Well it could be even longer than the standard 80 years or so. It could be a couple of centuries. It ain't long....' "

Or am I thinking of that because this song was one of the ones played at a friends funeral....

EDIT: and the plus side to this song is it is a reminder that we can take our religion "lightly" here and don't get our knickers in a twist about deeming things to be offensive when they aren't. We can count our blessings on that one at least. Yay for our freedom of speech and sense of humour. We are very fortunate to live in a modern/liberal/secular society.

Winter_Phoenix

Lessonlearned, I hope everything runs smoothly for you on Thursday. The idea of doing the flowers yourself is a lovely one - it will make them very special. And keeping your father at arm's length when he's being so unkind, sounds absolutely the right thing to do. Thank goodness for your stalwart sons (and I do so agree with you about people who don't bring up their children to behave properly - it's such a shame when everyone dislikes a child, for something which is really the parents' fault).

ellie99

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

LL

I would tend to agree that "acceptance" rather than "forgiveness" is more apt most of the time when someone has treated us badly.

On reflection I think this is what I do, it's not so much forgiveness as an acceptance that something happened and I don't want to think about it any more.

So sad that so many of you here have had a horrible time with your families. I've been lucky, although my parents would never dream of saying they loved me, I know they do, and my husband was a good person and we had a good marriage.
After him (a long time after!) I've had 2 partners, now exes...both big mistakes. The first used to drink in secret (really? you think I can't tell when you're drunk before tea time?!)

The second, well where do I start? Suffice to say he was a very competent liar, and totally conned me into believing we had a future together. He was probably a narcissist as well. When we broke up I was completely floored, and it took months of hashing and rehashing what had gone on before I started to get angry with how he had treated me (and with what I had accepted).
At that stage I would have borrowed the baseball bat
Now I don't want to waste my time thinking about him. I stopped taking his calls and ignored anything he sent me.
I suppose I've not actually forgiven him, but I've accepted my mistakes in the whole relationship, and no longer obsess about it.

On a lighter note...I had a very pleasant afternoon today. I was planning a day of ironing, cleaning and weeding (oh I know how to have fun :rotfl:), but suddenly thought it's a lovely day, I'm going out.
So I packed my egg sandwiches and coffee, and headed for a local landmark, a monument high up on the hills. I climbed the hill...that sounds harder than it was, it's only a 20 minute walk up a rough track. I was pleased I walked the whole way without stopping for a breather, it means I'm getting fitter.
Of course, the sun disappeared as soon as I got there, it was blowing a gale!
So I sat at the top in the gale with my hood up eating my solitary sandwich. The views were great, I could see right over to the coast. I felt like I was on top of the world (well, at least on top of my little piece of Scotland )
I've had quite a stressful summer with family problems and it was good to blow the cobwebs away for a while.
And as soon as I started the walk downhill the sun came out, typical! I just stood there and laughed, and said "are you f...ing kidding me?!" Yes, out loud, there was no-one around

I finished the afternoon off with coffee at my SILs, and a good natter. No housework was achieved at all, guess what I'll be doing tomorrow :rotfl:

Horace

LL - thank you for your kind words. Hope everything goes well on Thursday. The idea of a sheaf of flowers is lovely, when my grandma passed away I had a sheaf of flowers (I also wore a bright red dress - partly in defiance and I knew it would make her laugh), I got mum to ask the funeral director if he could arrange for the sheaf to be donated to a local nursing home after the funeral so people would get some joy from them.

I have come to the conclusion that families are weird.

I have been doing my good deed for the day, I went to the park this evening to see if the chaps had finished with the airpots and the tea/coffee because if they had then I would bring them home. They said that the airpots still had water in them which was still hot (am surprised because I took them over at 11am), I am going to collect them tomorrow afternoon. Can't go in the morning because the HSE Inspector will be there and anyway I need to get the house straight before my friend comes over. I have put the soup on to cook.

I was asked today why I bother providing refreshments for the stage riggers etc so I said that we should always look after those that do the work because they are always forgotten. I remember when I worked at the Uni and Antiques Roadshow came to film (in 2001), I was given a book about the show and I asked for people's autographs, the director, stage manager, camera men, the riggers have all signed the book as well as some of the experts. John Sandon even drew a little teapot next to his name.

mum2one

Can I join the queue for the baseball bat, even thou I walked out on my ex I was 7mths gone with DD, shes going to 12 next birthday he still an invisable grip on us. He has never done anything for DD yet dragged me through court to get access, which was denied but he was given indirect access and within last 2 yrs he has breached the order over 30 times as well as his new partner harressing me to the extent I had to get the police back involved - what a surprise I have to grin and bear it....

Back from the hospital, not best news dad has come down with a chest infection, so hes back on drip, and the oxygen via nose piece, - weve got a meeting sometime next week with the surgeon - so looks like he's going to be there for a while...

Doing 4 runs this week, xx

MummyBobble

Thank you MISTM. Hope I didn't offend anyone.with my reference to that. xx

lessonlearned

Mothernerd - what a hand you were dealt. You are one brave and courageous lady. Loving the portable rainbow.

At the moment of my husbands death there was the most beautiful rainbow over the nursing home. I like to think it was sent just for him:rotfl:

Horace you are right.
Families are just plain weird.

Loving the red dress for your grans funeral, bet she did too.

My husband,s favourite colour was burgandy red. we will all be wearing a splash of his favourite colour in his honour.

When I got to thinking about funeral music I discovered that The Bright Side of Life is one of the Top 10 favourite songs for funerals.

We Brits certainly have a great sense of humour. :rotfl:

I will donate the flowers too. Apparently the crematorium only keeps them for one day and then they are destroyed. Such a waste.

I can't sleep tonight so I'll just go and make myself a cuppa......