OS Singlies - We Do It Our Way!

Byatt

Calico, it amazes me just how many people hide behind the keyboard, and I'm relieved I'm out of it. I've completely left the site now, a selling one, because seeing people from the admin viewpoint really opened my eyes. Just a shame that the other admin got so off with me, but hey ho, a whisky and soda solves all ills. Along with a doughnut. Not at the same time. :cool:

JKS, I was always a book first, but sometimes it works out better to see the film. I find I'm much more critical if I've read the book first. Mind you I saw DrZhivago as a film first and then not that long ago, a few years, I read the book. Wow, I thought, the film was completely different in terms of the essence of the book...from reading it I thoroughly disliked "hero", the Dr and the whole love affair was extremely selfish. By the end I was furious with him and the film makers for making a film that was so romanticised (sp).

moneyistooshorttomention

lulabelle wrote: »

2 of my closest friends said they didn't think it was the right guy for me since whilst he was "nice" and everything he just didn't have much "oomph". One of those friends said "I never saw him make you laugh and he was quiet". His conversations were the same every time as well. I think I may have got bored in years to come and let's face it, once you've been together a few years the sex dries up so you need someone who is going to interest you and make you laugh

I wonder if really I was buying into the whole "yay, someone who will give me a family" scenario. The reality of that though is that kids are hard work and put a strain on the best of relationships, let alone the ones which aren't exactly pumping from the start

I think that about sums it up. You knew, in your heart, he wasn't right for you then by the sound of it.

That "conversations the same every time" would have been a killer in quite short order. I recall a past boyfriend who also attracted the same comments from a couple of directions about being "quiet" and I think it was their diplomatic way of saying "a bit too boring for you" and he was a nice person/very nice/cared for me a lot/would have done anything for me....and it wouldn't have worked. Let's face it...I knew myself well enough to know I would have been unfaithful to him in pretty short order....and I wouldn't have been happy about that either...

The second you've had comments about "quiet" or another one I recall about that particular boyfriend of "not intelligent enough for you" (which probably also translated into the same thing, ie "You'll be bored stiff") then it won't work...

My take, fwiw, is that its essential for as "major" a relationship as that for them to interest you/spark off each other mentally. You can cope with friendships with less input in that respect, because you've seen other qualities you like in the person (thoughtfulness/caring/a bit of a laugh or whatever) and they're generally a decent sort of person. For a husband, that aint enough...there has to be that mental "sparking off" imo. Maybe you could manage without that if you were someone who was a bit "quiet" yourself, but you come over to me as someone with a "bit more to you" than that, so you need that...

EDIT: You don't necessarily have to "lose the family" of someone when they become an ex. Re the particular man I mentioned above, I'm still good friends with his parents. It is possible, if not easy (of course, it helps if they are very nice and forgiving etc people...as per the parents of this particular ex of mine...).

lulabelle

Omg you're totally right "mentally spark off each other". That was never there. As nice as he was he just didn't have banter. My group of close friends and I have constant banter. I remember he came for a lunch with us and until he left early (as he had to take son home for a nap) it was not the same round the table with my friends. It felt false and stilted. At the time I remember putting that down to fact it was first time he had met some of them plus he and I were at the very end of table with son due to high chair but perhaps that was an early sign.

I also remember how was sitting with his sister in law one day and was just jokingly ripping it out of him for always wearing blue. He took it without humour and got all funny and said "I don't have many clothes".

My friends and I always joke that we are "bad people" because of the chat we come out with (which had us in stitches). He just never fit in that mould. Apart from my best friend from school who lives in uk, they are the only friends I would call true friends and whom I trust implicitly. So, if he doesn't fit in with them and they all think he wasn't right for me that's got to mean something.

I don't think sadly I'll maintain much of a relationship with his parents, particularly when we had a huge row on the phone when I found he was back on dating site. Still friends with his sister in law on fb though. I think his parents, his dad particularly who always told him I was wonderful and he was very lucky to have met me, are devastated. They disliked his wife because she was pretty nasty apparently and basically stole from them and !!!!ed all their money up the wall and something happened with the son (he never really went into it) as he got interim emergency custody. I think they were delighted to have someone nice, "normal, solvent, not taking the !!!! and nice to their son and grandson. His parents had quite a lot of banter and appreciated mine - made them laugh a lot.

Just so bizarre how it went from him being so affectionate and full on to complete withdrawal

I think I'm just going to stop looking completely, at least for the rest of this year and get myself back into a good place, training, running, spending time with my good friends who make me feel good (although gay best mate going off to study for 4 months). Plus I'm off to nyc and Miami with a girlfriend in 4.5 weeks and want to be single for then so we can flirt with and snog boys and just have fun!

calicocat

Lulabelle.......

No Banter......no goey outey girl.

Plently of time for more boring when you are nearer the 80 mark.





Byatt....re: forums being nasty places at times......totally agree that it's easy to hide behind a keyboard, let's face it on sites where you aren't anonymous people are willing to be nasty or bully people.

Apparently it goes on here too, but must be boards I don't go onto as I haven't seen any of it.

I've had to look after people that have become seriously depressed and anxious due to forums.....and my advice would be take a sharp exit if it's making someone have negative experiences.....as it just isn't worth it. You don't know these people, and they shouldn't be allowed to have a detrimental effect on you.

Also, the written word is so open to interpretation and people often get it wrong.

Anyhow....no longer your circus.....no longer your monkeys...!

Byatt

Calico, I woke up this morning and thought yayy, that's one less thing to worry about. Quite proud of myself that I walked away from it so soon, but I'd seen the counsellor and although we hadn't talked about the Fb thing, her help with my behaviour (I go back to "safe" childhood behaviours when emotional and sad), over other issues made me see things differently. I do know some of the people on the group as it's local.

Lulabelle, lovely to hear you have some very positive plans! I think Mtstm is spot on, an excellent post. Also I think you said his divorce was not through yet. The advice generally, from the experience I've heard from others' is that dating someone who is divorcing is not advisable. Apart from the fact that they haven't grieved, processed the whole thing, the actual divorce is so stressful even if wanted. There has also been instances of people getting back together again, against all the odds. And here, I am going to generalise but it is based on stats, men dive into the dating pool a lot sooner than women. I understand the dating for fun/sex but both parties need to be aware that is what the other one wants. Plus, the person you are seeing may not be the true person. I'm quiet, but the divorce etc very definitely altered my behaviour.

xx

Charis

Byatt wrote: »

Calico


I think you said his divorce was not through yet. The advice generally, from the experience I've heard from others' is that dating someone who is divorcing is not advisable. Apart from the fact that they haven't grieved, processed the whole thing, the actual divorce is so stressful even if wanted.

Very true. I found out the hard way . Wouldn't wish it on anyone.

calicocat

Well....it's official.....my brain has packed in the same time as my ovary....lol.


I have just spent the last 20 mins reading that last post thinking....thats odd, I don't remember talking about ever dating anyone going through a divorce. then trying to rack my brain thinking if I even know anyone going through a divorce since i've been on this site.

Then thinking about if I know anyone who has been dating someone going through a divorce.......


To eventually realise that it's about lulaabelles situation.........lol.


God I am an idiot at times.

MummyBobble

Lulubelle, I've been pretty much single for the last twelve years (found out that ex had been having an affair since DS was 6 months old, wasted several months believing we were trying to make it work only to find out he'd never stopped seeing her, had set up secret e-mail accounts etc, I even got a phone call from her to tell me that I must have been as thick as pig !!!!!! not to have known what was going on). Looking back I think I knew that it would never be the same again but wanted so desperately to give DD and DS what I never had (a "proper" family life) that I ignored the obvious, until I had no choice but to admit it when we went out for a big family lunch (his family) and he said he'd be a bit late, never turned up and when we got home he'd packed up and gone (two days before Christmas). His family were devastated and very supportive of me for the next nine years whilst he paraded a series of unsuitable girlfriends (engaged to three of them, but making it very clear to all and sundry that he'd no intention of ever marrying them!). Unfortunately once he got engaged and actually started planning a wedding I became something of a problem. I was suddenly cut out of everything which contributed to me having a serious meltdown last year.

This isn't meant to sound disheartening or bitter. Having had (lots of) therapy I can see now that I spent far too much time worrying about what might (or might not) happen if I didn't conform to what was expected of me or keep others (not myself) happy. I have amazing friends, am very lucky to have a massively supportive group of friends at work (I was very open about the problems I had last year and even those I didn't know that well were great). As much as I'd love to have my someone special I'd rather be a singlie than be miserable just to have "someone". At least I'm in charge - I just let DD and DS think that they are. It sounds like you have supportive friends and now you've got everyone here as well who have really cheered me up, amused me, but, I suspect will give me a kick up the butt if needed :rotfl:Keep an open mind, you never know what might happen when you're least expecting it but just plan to do things that you enjoy and take it from there.

JKS, if your DD is volunteering at youth groups, other adults think she's doing well, you are doing a great job. Unfortunately as someone she trusts, you cop for her pushing the boundaries. She knows that you will tell her if you're not happy with her behaviour so when she wants to see how far she can go you get it. My two only ever behave badly for me but I try to take it as a kind of misguided compliment Single parenting is very hard but I try to console myself that at least it's only me so they can't try to play one off against the other. What I say goes :rotfl:

Funds haven't allowed for me to have any time away while they've been with their dad but wait for this - I went to the pub on Tuesday night, sat outside a coffee shop for three hours this afternoon in the sunshine, and am going out again tomorrow night - get me the social butterfly that I am :j Unfortunately the time spent on such activities has been greatly outweighed by the time spent in close contact with bottles of bleach, the washing machine and bin liners... Three days before they're back (they arrive back early hours of Sunday morning but want to come straight home to me...) and still so much to do :eek:

Perhaps I should also confess to serious pickle cravings - onions, gherkins, beetroot, walnuts - the list is endless. If it wasn't for the fact that it would be an immaculate conception I'd be concerned!

MummyBobble

Calicocat, I have no intention of getting more boring when nearer 80, in fact I'm planning on growing old quite disgracefully, either that or living alone with my cats, possibly as a hermit in a cave somewhere (as long as it has gas fired central heating, a power shower and broadband - not necessarily in that order ).

Okay, just off out to do my (DD's) paper round while she's on holiday in Turkey. Why the flipping heck did I agree to that?

calicocat

Yep...growing old disgracefully is my plan too...