OS Singlies - We Do It Our Way!

lulabelle

Thanks guys.

Yes, I think what I ultimately have always wanted is a family, not just a child. One of the things which I loved about being with the ex was feeling like part of his family. I have looked into having a child by way of donor and had made a pact with myself that if I got to 38 and was still single I'd get a donor and have one anyway. Now that's looming (im 36 in sept), I am pushing that back to 39 as think am scared of doing it alone, esp as my family all live in uk and I live on a rock. The bonus of not having had kids yet I suppose is that I've got pretty far in my career as I've not had to worry about getting home for anyone although that in itself is quite depressing

I think all of this is compounded by that fact that 5.5 years ago aged 30.5 I was engaged and 6 months away from wedding. Fianc! and I had discussed having kids and plan was to have 4. Then I went away for 4 months to study (although was home from thurs pm to Monday mornings). Got back 3 days before Xmas and he said he no longer wanted to marry me or have kids. Turned out he'd been having an affair since about 3 weeks after I went away (which I had suspected which us why I was coming home so much) but which he denied. He's married to her now.

It was really hard to start again after that as he also kicked me out of our house (he owned it) and I had no friends as I had met him soon after I moved here so all my friends were his friends. To compound the problem he was also one of my bosses at work and I was forced to stay for another 2 years in same firm due to a contract I signed which they wouldn't waive!!!!

I did start again though and made a fab group of friends, moved firm and rose up the ranks to one of the partners and bought my own place

I do think the only thing missing is a man/family - I miss having someone to ask me how my days been and for general support. I miss someone to go out for dinner with, to the cinema with, on holiday with. I miss having someone to cook for or someone to cook for me. I miss having someone to watch Scott and Bailey and other dramas with. I miss having someone care where I am or if I'm safe and back from business trips

I do try to strive for contentment and I spend a lot of time with my friends but I miss all of the above

BookWorm

calicocat wrote: »

I'd never get out if I had one of those...i'd have to ring work and say "sorry I can't come in i'm stuck in the hammock and can't get out".......bet that would be a first though.

:rotfl: that is the best excuse ever.... I'm almost tempted to try it even though I don't have a hammock :rotfl:

calicocat

BookWorm wrote: »

:rotfl: that is the best excuse ever.... I'm almost tempted to try it even though I don't have a hammock :rotfl:

Just plant one firmly in your head....then ring in.....lol. If it helps put a towel on the floor and lie on that while you are on the phone....oh and have a glass of wine and water in the other hand...that way if you try to sit up during the call if it gets tricky you will actually sound like you are struggling as you'll have no hands to use.........lol.

You'll pull it off no problem.


Honestly....one day I might grow up...!?!

calicocat

Lulabelle...

I'm sure you will find what you are after. There is that saying that if you look too hard you won't find...or when you are not looking is when you will find it....

I'm sure you know what I mean....not that I have any clue if it's right.

I think for me, I have lived with someone generally from 18 up to early 40's......so am now enjoying time doing what I want when I want a lot of the time....but guess that isn't really looking down the road or at any future wants/needs.

At least you know what you want....i never seem to have that nailed. one minute I miss all those things you mention too, and then another day I wouldn't swap that for the freedom I have now.....i'm very confused I think.....and will probably end up crazy old woman with lots of animals and overgrown herbs.......and still trying to grow tomatoes.

And what really scares me is having to relinquish control of the tv buttons now i've had them for 5 years to myself....and couldn't abide living with someone who liked watching football....or most sports really......nope....they'd have to have their own house thinking about it.


However, I don't envy you that work situation you had to deal with....not easy at all that one.

lulabelle

thanks calicocat. Yes, thing is: at end of last year I'd had enough of everything and I made a deal with myself that as (at that time because of the market) I couldn't really change where I lived I'd focus on the positives and get myself into fitness training and running and enjoying the company of my friends instead of worrying about the future and a family. For the whole of January I did just that (whilst obviously staying on dating website because one should always be open to opportunities) and I genuinely was happy - I was absolutely loving my running and working out with a trainer 3x per week. I was going out to dinner with my close group of friends (1 couple, 1 single girl and 1 single gay guy who is my best mate) and genuinely having the best time just enjoying being with them. So I wasn't actively "looking" then "boom" he came along. If I'm deep down honest with myself I'm not sure that we were fully suited. He was "nice" and I did fancy him lots but that was it really, it was just "nice" and felt "nice" to be part of something again. Part of it may have been feeling part of his family (I was at his parents where he was living or out to sunday lunch with them once or twice a week) when mine are all in the UK and I miss seeing my parents, brother and his wife and aunt, uncle and cousins who regularly do things together.

He didn't really make me feel special, at least not after the first month and it tended to be me making the running and doing nice things for him.

Is that called settling?

I am, on one hand, enjoying living on own at moment and particularly at the moment as I have a 3 week trial starting in 6 days - the biggest and most complicated one I have ever done and so it's literally, office, home, eat, sleep, get up and train/run then office and no time to think of anyone else really. But I do miss being part of something again.

From analysing this the key seems to be to do what I did in Jan and throw self into training and running and seeing friends again (which is what I'm doing though the friends bit is hard at the moment cos of this trial) but I miss him/his family and I worry about being alone forever.

Byatt

Lulabelle, I wasn't going to post because my life is the same old carp I've been talking about for too many years, but understand the longing for the dream, a family around me, who love and value me. It still hits me and I've tried to come to terms with it, on good days I do succeed, but when things get hard again, then I fall into the trap of believing my ideal life was out there somewhere, but somehow I missed it, and I don't know why I can't have it when so many do.

You are doing all the right things and it will get better or at least you will adapt. You are still young, honest, , and no-one really knows what's around the corner.

The guy you mentioned, well like Calico said, introducing his child so quickly is a red flag, shouldn't be done. It's as if he's using his child to make himself appear more desirable as a mate, especially if women are looking to start a family too.

I guess it is settling, but you also thought he was a nice blokey. And often we all can settle for one reason or another.

I can't promise a happy ever after, I had the marriage and it was far from that, but you sound an intelligent, determined young woman and you have the inner resources to make your life as good as it can be.

calicocat

Settling.......


This is one area I find really difficult to actually pin down. One minute something can seem like settling if it isn't Exactly perfect or ticking lots of your boxes, then on the other hand...if it makes your life feel better.....is it settling??.

For me...this is a real hard one, and one I have battled a lot. sometimes wondering if i'm expecting that perfection that doesn't exist...especially now i'm older and seem to have less tolerance for things that aren't 'my way'.

Also a persons wants and needs change over the years, and your expectations along with this.

On one hand I feel it isn't settling if it is making life more interesting and fun......then on the other....i'm left sitting there thinking is it worth the bits that are annoying or not 'perfect'....or even mildly irritating.

Don't listen to me though.....i'm menopausal and haven't got a clue what i'm doing or thinking these days.....lol.

LavenderBees

lulabelle wrote: »

He didn't really make me feel special, at least not after the first month and it tended to be me making the running and doing nice things for him.

And there's the other red flag...



You've had a lucky escape, methinks. Onwards and upwards, someone better will be out there, not necessarily perfect (no one is that, though I have to say I'm pretty close :rotfl:),but someone who wants to make you feel special for all time, not just at the start. That's worth waiting for, I believe.

LB xx

calicocat

Yep.....i'm with LB on that one, I would want someone to make me feel special most if not all the time....and for the long haul as much as that is possible counting in everyday life stuff.

To be honest I don't and wouldn't tolerate anything less.

I may in fact be what they call 'high maintenance'.......lol. Not that I care, and I don't mean financially....just in every way possible.....




And.....back to the man in the cupboard then......

BookWorm

calicocat wrote: »

At least you know what you want....i never seem to have that nailed. one minute I miss all those things you mention too, and then another day I wouldn't swap that for the freedom I have now.....i'm very confused I think....

This sums up how I feel too!

calicocat wrote: »

Settling.......


This is one area I find really difficult to actually pin down. One minute something can seem like settling if it isn't Exactly perfect or ticking lots of your boxes, then on the other hand...if it makes your life feel better.....is it settling??.

I think settling is more if you feel unhappy or unsatisfied more than you feel happy or satisfied. People aren't perfect so I don't believe that perfect relationships exist either. There are obviously some which are better than others but all need to be worked at on some level or in some way.