eliminating partner's debt

loveka

I read your post and so recognised your feelings.

There are 2 separate issues -the gambling I know nothing about, but I know he has to want to stop himself. You can help him to help himself, but you can't make him stop.

The other issue is the debt and your feelings of powerlessness about the financial situation you find yourself in. I know a lot about that. My partner lost 50k - our life savings- plus ending up with a 50k debt from trying to prop up his failing business. I ended up in an intolerable financial position through no fault of my own -my financial life has changed forever and yet I did nothing , I had no control... I still feel angry and bitter if 'm honest, even though I try so hard to be positive.

I guess the financial thing is the symptom of his illness-and it is an illness - which is addiction. I echo what others have said don't give him any more money. In fact I would go as far to say never lend anyone money unless you are happy that you will possibly never see it again.

Good luck, my heart really does go out to you.

sstteeww

Southernman wrote: »

Good morning,

I'm feeling really down ...

He had lied to me on multiple occasions ...

This has devastated me like you would not believe ...

I just feel like gambling on horses was his priority over me ...

I'm trying to ban all activities to do with gambling because it's destroying me.

It just hurts me that he's burdened me with all this and didn't give me a thought at all.

Some excellent advice given to you so far. I get the impression that he doesn't believe he has a problem (just a little flutter, not a huge amount lost) whereas you have the opposite view entirely (he's selfish, unthoughtful, lying, causing you hurt and causing untold damage to your finances). Your views are completely incongruent.

You obviously care for him a lot and are willing to help him out of his "mess", but until he sees it as a "mess" and that he is causing you a lot of hurt, he will not change.

Please don't give him any more money. In fact (I'm not meaning to be cruel) I would say you have enabled him by giving him £5k and thus prevented him from having to face up to his gambling addiction.

Please make him fully aware of how much his gambling is hurting you and give him some time to change. If he cannot do this, then it's time for you to leave him and find someone that will respect you.

Depth_of_Field

Tough love is key here. He needs to be made accountable for his own mistakes otherwise he's going to keep on borrowing money to fund his habit. Make your feelings clear to him. You're both saving for a house deposit to maintain and build a future together. If he gets a default on his credit file, then this will adversely affect your mortgage application. I know it's not easy, but try and be calm when talking to him as if you start shouting, this will probably have an opposite effect in getting him to quit his gambling addiction.

The_Moo

Your partner is an addict. He doesn't want to stop. Gambling is more important to him than anything else - including you and your relationship.

The three Cs of addiction: you did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it.

Your partner needs to fix this himself, you can't do it for him. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life monitoring and trying to control another adult's (your partner's) activities?

Southernman

He has said he hasn't gambled in a few weeks now. I've made him attend GA and as of today he has cancelled his week off during the Cheltenham horse festival. I shouldn't have to manage his money but he has given me no choice. He has yet to tell his family, i'm the one who is burdened with it.

He says he wants to change and will make every effort to pay me back ASAP then focus on getting a place.

I think what i found the hardest part in all this was that we'd been together 4 years and we were discussing saving for a property in Jan of this year (a very detailed lie). I had hinted a while ago about rings and on NYE he sat me down a few hours before midnight and said 'there's something i want to tell you' so of course naive me assumed a proposal given the fact we were discussing the future, the reality was he was informing me of his debts, mortifying me in the process.

He's reading the thread and all your comments, i told him the above earlier and turns out he hadn't even thought about it. Hadn't even crossed his mind. It's taken me this long to even mention it as i felt so humiliated.

I don't even know what to think right now.

longtermplanner

Southernman wrote: »

i told him the above earlier and turns out he hadn't even thought about it. Hadn't even crossed his mind. It's taken me this long to even mention it as i felt so humiliated.

I don't even know what to think right now.

oh how horrible for you. What a sorry misunderstanding.

He will probably have been so blinkered focussing on his Problem that he won't have thought how you would interpret "there is something I want to tell you". That is so sad for you, but I think you need to put it away and accept that he didn't do it deliberately.

As for how it goes from here - he knows what he has to prove to you and he must now realise how important this is for you. So he has a lot of good incentives to do the right thing. I hope it all works out for the best between you two.

Monkeyballs

Southernman wrote: »

He has said he hasn't gambled in a few weeks now. I've made him attend GA and as of today he has cancelled his week off during the Cheltenham horse festival. I shouldn't have to manage his money but he has given me no choice. He has yet to tell his family, i'm the one who is burdened with it.

He says he wants to change and will make every effort to pay me back ASAP then focus on getting a place.

I think what i found the hardest part in all this was that we'd been together 4 years and we were discussing saving for a property in Jan of this year (a very detailed lie). I had hinted a while ago about rings and on NYE he sat me down a few hours before midnight and said 'there's something i want to tell you' so of course naive me assumed a proposal given the fact we were discussing the future, the reality was he was informing me of his debts, mortifying me in the process.

He's reading the thread and all your comments, i told him the above earlier and turns out he hadn't even thought about it. Hadn't even crossed his mind. It's taken me this long to even mention it as i felt so humiliated.

I don't even know what to think right now.

Hi!

Ok so first the bad thing to consider;

An addict will lie and cheat (not on you, I don't mean like that) and tell you whatever you want to hear...

Please do not pressure him to tell his family at this stage, dealing with an addiction is stressful enough.

Now the good;

We can change! I say we because I believe that I have and while it is still a bit of a running battle at times I know that if I can do it then so can he

He has told YOU! because he probably genuinely wants to sort himself out he could easily have made excuses and carried on or broke up with you so he could run away, bury his head and build up more debt!

He has confided in YOU! Trust me, that is massive in itself... It shows that he trusts and respects you - this is not everything you need in a relationship but it is important In time (and it does need to happen) he can work towards telling his family when he is comfortable to do so.

My advice is give it time, give him support, help to look after his money, be realistic - I wouldn't want you to decide now but in a few months look at the way your relationship is going and consider what is best for you...

Others will tell you to dump him and run but I get the impression that this is not something you want - it's their opinion, I've given you mine...

Please feel free to PM me if you like, I'm happy to share my experiences and tell you what was going on in my head but then I don't mind sharing them on here either

All the best x

MB

Depth_of_Field

With the right determination, I believe both of you can get through this. It's good that he's reading the whole thread so that he can gain some perspective and not feel like you're nagging/patronising him. Best wishes for the both of you

Southernman

I feel like he's trying. He knows he has a problem and I'm still raw from everything too. I've never been in debt and manage my money very carefully so for him to chuck it away makes me sick. SICK.

tallyhoh

Southernman wrote: »

I feel like he's trying. He knows he has a problem and I'm still raw from everything too. I've never been in debt and manage my money very carefully so for him to chuck it away makes me sick. SICK.

Yes, its a horrible feeling. I can remember how sick I felt when I found out my partner was a liar etc, unfortunately he still is.


We certainly wouldn't be together now if it wouldn't devastate my son if we split.


Has he actually paid any debts off with your money, can you ask him to return it if he's serious about sorting things out.


I wish you luck