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eliminating partner's debt

Good morning,

I'm feeling really down because the other week i found out the extent of my boyfriend's debt.

He had lied to me on multiple occasions and had basically gambled all his money away leaving him with £5K worth of debt and 2 pay day loans on his credit record to boot.

This has devastated me like you would not believe. We were planning on building a deposit for a house and now everything has had to be put on hold.

I just feel like gambling on horses was his priority over me. Even now he has booked a week off work in March to watch horse racing on television and another few days for the grand national but hasn't to date bothered booking off a week with me in May and i should be the priority not some animal.

Even though i'm not in debt myself, i feel i need some support to get over this and work out what the best steps to put in place.

I'm trying to ban all activities to do with gambling because it's destroying me. I've lent him £5k and have contract agreements signed up. This way he is not paying £90 a month interest and we can get it paid off in 10 months and i've requested to see his banking details regularly to make sure everything is going as it should.

It just hurts me that he's burdened me with all this and didn't give me a thought at all.

I wouldn't feel so upset if this was something that i'd brought upon myself but i had nothing to do with it, didn't get to reap the benefits or anything and now i'm paying the consequences for his actions (and my emergency fund is now empty which makes me panic).

Need some help in getting my boyfriend debt free and i'm hoping that i can gain some encouragement along the way as everything is eating me up inside as i have NO ONE to talk to about this. I will be showing him this thread/diary so he can see responses and others tips/acknowledgements of help.

All guidance is appreciated.
Mortgage 1: May 2012 £90,000 April 2020: £47,000
Mortgage 2: £270,000😱 Jan 2019 £253,000 April 2020
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Comments

  • Hi, didn't want to read and run - what a nightmare :( The priority is really making sure he doesn't gamble again as you don't want to get in this situation again - he really needs expert guidance, I think there are some great support groups plus you can get a gambling site blocker on your computer... def worth looking into (hopefully people will be along soon with names!)


    I really feel for you and hope that he takes this as a last chance saloon to sort himself outxxx
    :rotfl:
  • You shouldn't have paid his debt - better to keep your money safe and help him work his way out of his problem. If he had defaults on his credit record it would have become harder and harder for him to access more credit. Now you have paid off his debts he can just go out and borrow more.

    If he isn't prepared to stop watching horse races, then this sounds like an accident waiting to happen again. He needs to find new interesting things to do that are not associated with gambling - some of these you may share, some may just be his hobbies, but unless he wants to move on from the horses at some point he is going to gamble again.
  • FireWyrm
    FireWyrm Posts: 6,557 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker Debt-free and Proud!
    Sadly, you wont fix him...many women throughout the ages have tried and failed. I suggest you take a long hard look at your future with this man and decide whether the effort is worth the eventual disappointment. Sometimes, financial matters need a cool head, not a warm heart.
    Debt Free! Long road, but we did it
    Meet my best friend : YNAB (you need a budget)
    My other best friend is a filofax.
    Do or do not, there is no try....Yoda.

    [/COLOR]
  • Weird_Nev
    Weird_Nev Posts: 1,383 Forumite
    This is as much of a relationship issue as a debt one.

    What makes you feel safe that his behaviour will be modified post bail out? If I know gamblers (And I know a few) he'll be straight back on it now you've thrown him a lifeline.

    Deal with his gambling issue.

    Deal with your relationship issues (The trust, honesty, two people battling life together, holidays together, that stuff)

    Then, if there's still a relationship to deal with, sort the finances.


    IMO.
  • Monkeyballs
    Monkeyballs Posts: 1,935 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    edited 13 January 2014 at 9:22AM
    Hi,

    Speaking as a recovering gambler here...

    Does he want to stop gambling? Does he realise that it is a problem?

    If the answer is no then I'm afraid you are not going to get too far, you can't force someone with a gambling problem to change.

    Ideally, he needs to stop all gambling activities with immediate effect, do self exclusion from betting shops, and online betting sites, install a site blocker on your pc/laptop and seek advice from Gamcare.

    The problem I think you will find is if he has purposefully booked time off to watch the racing he probably doesn't see it as being a problem and I would strongly advise against lending him any more money even after he has repaid the £5k unless he has the problem under control or at least is getting help for it.

    Do not underestimate gambling addiction, it makes people do horrible things and can develop as a result of something seemingly unconnected (mine was lack of confidence).

    BUT! Be careful how you talk to him about it, pestering or belittling him into trying to stop could result in him doing it more or just hiding it and telling you it has stopped!

    My debt isn't entirely due to gambling but I'd say a good half of it is and I hate to think what it would be now if I had not got help.

    P.s, gambling is gambling - someone saying "It's just a few quid on the horses" doesn't change anything.

    MB
  • tallyhoh
    tallyhoh Posts: 2,307 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts
    oh dear, I wish I could turn back the clock back 28 years. I would tell myself to run like hell when I found out about my partners debts & loaned him money. I did get it back (eventually) but as he had spare credit he just ran up another load of debt.


    Actually he's just done it again to the tune of over £50,000.


    As your partner has booked a time off for gambling he obviously has no intention of changing his ways, and you have just given him more money to play with.


    Sorry, wish I could be more positive about your situation.
    Tallyhoh! Stopped Smoking October 2000. Saved £29382.50 so far!
  • sandycheeks
    sandycheeks Posts: 1,801 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker Debt-free and Proud!
    I shuddered reading your story because this was happened to me with an ex. The extent of his deviousness knew no boundaries and he took loans out everywhere (as well as me bailing him out constantly) so he could get his horse fix. I tried to support him even contacting gamblers anonymous but he wouldn't admit to having a "problem" and I ended up with depression. Eventually we split - he cared more about himself and his horses than me and I can honestly say even though it was hard it was the best thing in the long run as he would have dragged me down into the gutter. You need a honest talk about your future and please do not give him any more money. Good luck and big hugs to you - if you need to send me a PM please do so xx
  • Gotta agree with the others and would even go further and say that by giving him the loan and saving him interest, you're making it easier for him to continue. Draw the line in the sand now. He's the only person who can tackle this but clearly doesn't see a need to just yet.
    Mortgage at 01.01.14 £119,481.83:eek: today £0 Emergency fund £5.5/5.5k & £200/200 cash.:jWeight 24/02/19 14st 7lb now 11st 12lb determined to stop defining myself by my mistakes. Progress not perfection.:T100%through my 1% mortgage challenge. 100% through my pb challenge.
  • Monkeyballs
    Monkeyballs Posts: 1,935 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    Hi,

    Reading a couple of the comments above and thought I should add that this should not be something to end a relationship over (unless that is what you are thinking of doing anyway regardless of the gambling and* debt).

    You can help him, you can save the relationship - JUST DO NOT GIVE HIM MORE MONEY.

    *Remember the issue is two fold 1. is the gambling 2. is the debt itself

    MB
  • Muhren
    Muhren Posts: 1,703 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    I am a compulsive gambler and will second what Monkeyballs has said, if he doesn't want to stop gambling then it is going to be very hard, near on impossible for you to stop him from doing so. If on the other hand he does realise he has a problem and wants to stop you can help and support him through this.

    As you can see my debts are quite excessive and are all from gambling, it is a horrible addiction known as the silent addiction as you can suffer from it without anyone else knowing which probably won't be the case with drink or drugs.

    My advise to you is to sit down and talk through what he plans to do to stop his gambling, if he wants to stop then find your nearest Gamblers Anonymous meeting and have him go along to that. You may be allowed to sit in if you want but that is down to the discretion of the group. He can self exclude from betting shops and online sites, don't let him do this by himself. I have a progamme called K9 on my computer which can be set up to block gambling sites, you will have to put in a password. Do not lend him anymore money and ask people he knows not to either. If you want to ask me anything feel free to PM me and I will do my best to help you out.

    I have now been off 13 months but without putting these barriers in place and the help and support of family, friends and GA I'm not sure that I could have stopped and may very well not be here today. If he truely wants to stop with some help and support he can.
    LBM: Dec 2012 - Debt £38,180/ Now £0.
    DFD - 17/04/2016
    Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing from something.

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