eliminating partner's debt

Southernman

I've made him reduce his overdraft so the temptation is gone. His car has been sold (love of his life) and that was a massive humiliation for him. That paid off £8k of debt and obviously it's the £5k that's left now. First installment is at the end of January. £400 a month and more on bonus months. Anything left over at the end of the month will go back in the repayment pot. I'm confident he will pay me back as I think he wants to move forward.

I feel bad because I'm taking it out on him and making him upset. It's been tough for me too.

Monkeyballs

Southernman wrote: »

I've made him reduce his overdraft so the temptation is gone. His car has been sold (love of his life) and that was a massive humiliation for him. That paid off £8k of debt and obviously it's the £5k that's left now. First installment is at the end of January. £400 a month and more on bonus months. Anything left over at the end of the month will go back in the repayment pot. I'm confident he will pay me back as I think he wants to move forward.

I feel bad because I'm taking it out on him and making him upset. It's been tough for me too.

Hi,

He is taking his first steps to sort things out, that is something positive.

Feeling a little pain will help the situation sink in, remember you have every right to be angry as he has kept this a secret from you and betrayed your trust - perfectly natural to feel like this so don't feel bad about it, you're only human!

However... DO NOT make the fact that he has a problem and has run a debt up because of it a weapon to hurt him - wrong angle to take, that is poison and will ruin your relationship.

Remember;

He lied to you and kept a hugely significant secret thus betraying your trust = BAD = You ANGRY!

He has a problem, it's an addiction and can rot away your humanity and take you over life = BAD = He is ILL!

I hope this makes sense? I'm trying to say ill people aren't bad and need disposing of... They can heal in time this is not me giving you advice on your relationship though, what happens there is down to you I'm afraid, it's in your hands hun x

I feel a little like I'm spouting a load of old mumbo jumbo LOL but it makes sense to me as I type it!

MB

Southernman

Thanks MB, i'm trying to be positive. I think once i've got the first instalment of money i'll feel better. It's just the looking at my bank account and seeing very little in there is a bit horrid.

I do feel guilty moaning about no savings balance when i know others in this forum have masses of debt. It just panics me knowing that if my boiler broke i'd have to deal with the awkward questions when having to borrow off my parents which then opens up a massive can of worms.

Monkeyballs

Southernman wrote: »

Thanks MB, i'm trying to be positive. I think once i've got the first instalment of money i'll feel better. It's just the looking at my bank account and seeing very little in there is a bit horrid.

I do feel guilty moaning about no savings balance when i know others in this forum have masses of debt. It just panics me knowing that if my boiler broke i'd have to deal with the awkward questions when having to borrow off my parents which then opens up a massive can of worms.

LOL,

Don't feel guilty! Our problems are not yours we all appreciate a few kind words and a bit of worldly advice... Moan away, that's what this place is great for

You'll be ok I reckon, stay positive and don't pray for the worst! LOL Have you any reason to think the boiler is going to break or something expensive is going to go wrong? No - be optimistic

Ok so something might happen and you might need to have an awkward conversation but then again, maybe you won't

You have enough on your mind to worry about what doesn't impact you now, especially when it's really just a short term problem!

Big hug, it'll be ok, it will all be ok!

MB

tallyhoh

Southernman wrote: »

I feel bad because I'm taking it out on him and making him upset. It's been tough for me too.

Stop feeling bad about it, with all due respect you are the one hard done by.


Okay he has got problems but you didn't cause them.

LittleAoife

FireWyrm wrote: »

Sadly, you wont fix him...many women throughout the ages have tried and failed. I suggest you take a long hard look at your future with this man and decide whether the effort is worth the eventual disappointment. Sometimes, financial matters need a cool head, not a warm heart.

This is true and after trialling through a lots of posts on here it seems that FireWyrm is super experienced and gives out amazing advice. Are you male or female FireWyrm ( just out of interest) .:p

Southernman

He didn't go into work today. Called in sick as he 'didn't feel like it'. He is taking tablets for depression.

I made him see a doctor after everything that had happened and i'm very concerned.

Monkeyballs

Southernman wrote: »

He didn't go into work today. Called in sick as he 'didn't feel like it'. He is taking tablets for depression.

I made him see a doctor after everything that had happened and i'm very concerned.

Hmmm... Sadly addiction and depression seem to go hand in hand and your recent discussions and showing him this thread to be honest, probably is not going to help that.

That said, if it was me then I would rather try to keep active (physically and/or mentally) to take your mind off of your problems.

I was diagnosed with mild depression about a year ago and was given medication to help - they fried my brain and while taking time off work is an option it isn't one I would particularly recommend as it can sometimes lead to long periods away because you start to feel anxious about going back and (for me at least) there was a little demon in my head telling me not to go back because they're all talking about you!

All rubbish, I went back and got my head down and totally submerged myself and felt a million times better for it!

I'm not saying the same applies here, everyone is different and while I was diagnosed I didn't really believe it which is what may have given me the drive to stand up, walk out the door and just get on with it...

They say it's always darkest before the dawn (which is a nonsense saying LOL) but think it applies here

Keep posting!

MB

Southernman

So end of the month and pay day has arrived.

The night before payday he transferred me £50 and I made him put some in a savings account for emergencies (totalling £40).

The next day was payday so I was excited to finally get some funds back. Of course he rings me to say he is on his way and I said I was excited that he could finally transfer some money over to me. He then said 'well actually, you'll have to wait until Monday as I didn't bring my online banking password. I went ballistic and made him ring the customer service centre.

So I got £500 and when I looked at his payslip worked out the full maths and he will be transferring me another £200 as well.

This would mean £750/£5000 or 15% for January.

Any left over spends going forward at the end of the month will be distributed to me and his emergency pot.

This is bonus month so money usually won't be quite so much on a standard month. We're looking at around the £400 mark plus end of month leftovers

Vikipollard

Well done for standing your ground! If you hadn't, I think there would potentially have been a myriad of reasons why he didn't transfer the money.


Why doesn't he set up a standing order for £400 if this is the amount you've worked out as standard month minimum? He can still transfer the additional over afterwards.


If he had a loan, he'd have to keep that amount of money in his account for the repayment. Given his history, I can't think of any valid excuse why he can't do this.