eliminating partner's debt

Southernman

This month Ex-partner hasn't paid me the £400.

I saw him briefly on Wednesday and he said that he is skipping the payment this month due to other more important debts.

I spoke to his friend recently who wasn't aware that he still owed me £2.5k and had lent him £700 as he was behind on payments on his rent and could be evicted from his home.

Back in January i lent him the £5k and from that point onwards he was clear of all debt as long as he stuck to the monthly budget proposed. Along with a second ebay income and quarterly bonuses i thought this would be enough for him to have a fresh start.

I don't really understand what's going on or how he got into this position. One thought is that he is gambling again but i truely believed after everything he wouldn't go back to that? Naive maybe?

He has bought a new phone but i just don't believe he would jeopardise his home for a mobile? I truely don't understand.

Just thought i'd post as i'm feeling disappointed and could do with a few unbiased opinions. I truly wanted to help him and give him a better life financially.

He will pay me the £400 as normal from July end.

bargainbetty

I'm so sorry, but you may have to face the fact that you might have to take the court route to see any more money. Lending money to friends and family is risky enough, but when they leave your day-to-day life, you are out of sight and out of mind.

His justification will be that you left him, why should he stick to the deal. He'll get round to it eventually etc... he'll buy what he wants and risk his future as he wants, because it is no longer any of your business.

Perhaps have a chat with his mum? Or send him a note with a copy of the agreement reminding him that he owes you the money, and if you can't rely on him to make proper payments, then you'll be seeking a court order to get an attachment of earnings (you get paid from his salary by his employer).

It's unlikely that you'd get one, but it might scare him into making a few more payments.

savingmummy

My mother did the same paid off my sisters debt of 7k got 1k back and hasn't seen nor heard from her since.
It all started with I can`t give you this months repayment but promise next month I will etc etc.


It was very kind of you to help him, such a shame his not as grateful!
Hopefully he will pay you back but I`d be worried it will not be as smooth especially if he is borrowing off of others to pay his rent!!

BillJones

Southernman wrote: »

He will pay me the £400 as normal from July end.

Well...

I'd recommend not letting it slide. He's breached his deal with you, spent money on a traet for himself instead, and this codl well be the start of more excuses and less money.

If you let him slide down that route, you may well find that it gets harder and harder for you to get anything out of him.

I'd suggest letting him know that you'll be approaching a solicitor with a view to starting proceedings if he does not make the payment imminently.

Monkeyballs

Hi Op,

I commented way back when you first started this thread in January. Sorry to hear things haven't worked out but at the end of the day you need to look out for your own best interests

It's nice to see he's been sticking to the agreement up until now, to be fair if he genuinely has a priority debt like rent to pay and he asked you if it was ok to skip this month then that's sort of ok I guess... I wouldn't write him off just yet.

As an ex gambler who'd do most things legal to get cash, you mention he has a new phone? It's possible he's either got a new contract to sell the phone (so he won't have it for long) or he's done a cash back deal where you get a new contract, phone and cash up front... He may be trying to juggle - I'm not trying to defend him, just trying to show it's not all black and white.

To me, I suspect he's gambling again but trying to make good by doing whatever he can to balance the books which means he's probably more in debt than before

I'd give him one chance, then speak to his mum if he doesn't make good on next months payment, then look at legal proceedings.

Think of it this way, if he is sinking into old habits then you following up and doing what you need to do to get back what is owed is doing him a favour - a gambling problem is like a cancer that you'd rather hide than get help for unless you really want it.

Good luck

MB of G x

-taff

Southernman wrote: »

Just thought i'd post as i'm feeling disappointed and could do with a few unbiased opinions. I truly wanted to help him and give him a better life financially..

You can't help someone who doesn't want to help himself.
Start taking action to recover your debt.

dancingfairy

I would say take court action to recover the debt but this will cost you money (around £45) and even if you win you still won't necessarily be able to get the money back. We assume he still doesn't own a property. Does he own a car do you think?
Do you know where he works so you can get an attachment to his earnings?
Obviously all these enforcement options will cost money but it may be wise to think about these before deciding how to proceed. Of course, you may just decide that a CCJ is enough but what if he pleads poverty to the courts? You may end up throwing good money after bad. Obviousy I'm not say you shouldn't take him to court but be aware that it might not be plain sailing and will cost you money as well (even if you later recover some of that money).
df

Stringer

I am the ex-partner that Southernman refers to, and I've been following this thread - without feeling the need to post a response until now - since my ex originally showed it to me back in January, and explained its existence as a method of venting her feelings.

I had no problem with the existence of this thread, despite it being littered with inaccuracies, because I believed it helped her to be able to deal with the issues which my own compulsive gambling addiction had brought to her table - something which she never asked for. I loved my partner, and I cared.

Perhaps she doesn't know that I subscribed to the thread at the time, and receive email notifications whenever anyone responds.

However, her latest response is written with a lack of understanding as to the current situation, and consequently the responses received suggest that the situation could quickly spiral out of control, and it is for that reason that I am writing this post.

First off, I cut off all communication with my ex-partner in March. This was after I discovered she had been cheating on me and was as much of a liar as I was, something that gambling had made me into.

For this reason, she doesn't understand what is going on with my life, and this is because she doesn't deserve to. She might hear snippets from my friends that haven't removed her from Facebook, but that's it.

I won't go into all the gory details but after finding out my partner was seeing other people behind my back, then making up and forgiving her, then finding out she had done it again (the very next day) before ending it permanently, my heart was broken.

After we broke up I struggled massively, I was signed off work by my Doctor for severe depression and received SSP, a much reduced income, during this time. The way I saw it, I hadn't just lost the girl that I loved, but also my best friend. I fell out with my mum and sister (my dad passed away a few years back), and generally wasn't in a very good place mentally.

It was during this time I started gambling again, and took out several pay day loans to cover the habit. My salary was then used to gamble further, rather than pay essential bills such as my rent. I then took a salary advance to do this same. At this point in time, having lost the person I loved - the person I thought loved me - and my family, I was having regular suicidal thoughts. I couldn't even buy proper food to eat, and I was existing off scraps from Home & Bargain bought for less than a pound. Every last penny I had in my possession I gambled away, and I just didn't care I was in that bad a place mentally.

I am not proud of the above. I realise I am accountable for my actions. I realise that my compulsive gambling addiction effectively killed the four year relationship I had with my partner over a period of months, a guilt which I'll unlikely to ever be able to let go of, but prior to discovering what I did in March I genuinely thought my partner was there for me and this would be something we would be able to recover from, something I thought we were recovering from. I actually thought this was the girl I was going to spend my entire life with.

June was the month I started to get my !!!! together, inspired mainly by a friend recommending me a job in Manchester; a role that I was perfectly suited for, was extremely highly paid, and that was challenging enough to motivate me (something which I have not had for a while). I saw it as a chance for a fresh start, and it took the biggest effort in the world, as I couldn't think clearly, but I managed to submit a damn good application and got an interview.

Getting an interview was like a slap in a face that woke me up. It meant I needed to start to put myself together, and was maybe a golden chance.

I contacted my mother and sister, I hadn't seen or heard from them for six/seven weeks since we fell out, and I wanted to see them. They came down and saw me - I couldn't even look at them and my mum cried when she saw the state I was in - but my mum filled my cupboard with food, something which I was extremely grateful for, and pre-bought me a train ticket to Manchester for the interview. I got a haircut, and a shave (I'd grown an exceptional beard during the prior months through laziness), and genuinely looked and was starting to feel like the person I used to be.

I didn't get the job, but it didn't matter as it was the shot in the arm that helped me to take action to put my life back together.

As it stands my rent is now up to date. I have repayment plans in place for the pay day loans and credit cards I have, with all interest and additional charges frozen, and it is this effort (and the reduced income due to the wage advance) which meant I was unable to pay the £400.00 as agreed to Southernman at the end of June. Paying the £400.00 at the end of August is going to take a massive effort, but I am determined to somehow get it done as there are now only a few months left on our agreement.

Prior to the above I sought legal advice. My ex partner had threatened legal action against me on numerous occasions, even to the extent of harassing me days before the agreed payment was to be made. It was pointed out to me that debts such as rent and essential bills are secured debts and should take priority over personal agreements, and that any legal action taken would rule in my favour due to my financial circumstances.

Last Wednesday was the first time I saw my partner since we broke up March, and this was only because she had arranged to travel on the same coach to Glastonbury with me, prior to the breakup, and still decided to travel on the same coach despite the inevitable awkwardness (as is her right, I suppose). I told her I wouldn't be able to pay at the end of June and explained why, although not in the detail I have above, and told her that I would not be reneging on our overall agreement.

Now to explain Glastonbury and the 'new phone'.

My Glastonbury ticket and coach were already paid for, months ago. All I needed was spends, which I didn't have as everything had gone towards debts. For this reason I wasn't planning to go to Glastonbury, but the funds were lent for me to do so by a person who knew of my entire situation and demanded I went as they felt it would continue to help put my head right. After all, I had barely smiled in months.

Those five days helped me much more than I could have imagined, and the recovery that started in early June has continued into early July and I am starting to see that I can have a positive future. I am more motivated and determined than I have been in a long, long time.

I have not purchased a new phone. I sold my old phone several months ago at a time where it was still valuable before taking out a contract.

Gambling is a disease and I now have first hand experience of how it can rip a life apart. I was diagnosed with severe depression last December, having finally visited the Doctors after ignoring my issues for months/years, and I am currently receiving CBT treatment. I have been living with my addiction for 18 months, perhaps longer, it's hard to tell at what point it actually spiralled into being a compulsive addiction, but during that time I pushed away all those close to me and forgot what truly mattered in life.

I realise I am totally accountable for my actions, and accountable for my debts. I am determined to put it right, to pay every penny back and to make it up to those who I have let down, but true recovery is going to take a long, long time. Financially, July is going to be the hardest month of all as even though I have put a lot of steps in place to attempt to start to right my situation, I am still suffering massively and still owe several immediate debts.

I am truly sorry for the pain and suffering I have caused to my ex-partner. I am ultimately responsible for my own compulsive gambling addiction, and its consequences on both myself and others. I am grateful for her bailing me out during my time in need, and the support she did initially offer, and I will honour the debt, if it's the last thing I do.

In truth, as I think back I wasn't truly happy in our relationship for a long time. I was content, and my financial hardship exposed the flaws both in our relationship and our individual characters. Our relationship essentially ended when I sold my car in November to cover debts, and the more I think - and the more close friends actually point it out to me - it was the financial security that mattered most to my ex-partner more than the relationship itself.

Her actions towards the end of our relationship, something which I won't go into further, were completely irrational. My ex-partner indicated that she was receiving help for her own issues, I am truly hopeful that this is the case and that she is able to move forward in her own life. As I mentioned above, the guilt I feel for the affect of my actions on others is something that will never leave me.

I am moving on, seeing other people, and for the first time in a long, long time I can maybe see that I do have a future, and that there is a possibility that I can be happy and debt free.

I'm hopeful that what I have written above will add some balance to this thread. It has taken me a long while to write, and I should have been asleep long ago, but is the first time I have expressed my situation non-verbally, and I think it has been helpful.

Monkeyballs

Hi Stringer,

I have no reason to doubt that you're the ex but I'm not sure that posting all of this on the tail end of Southerman's thread especially as she is only updating it monthly and may not see it and subsequent replies for several weeks which is unfair... I think you would be best to edit out some of the personal stuff and just refer to "problems". You might want to drop her a text to tell her you've posted?

That said, I can understand the need to put your point across but as with everything stories like this are never black and white.

The thread started out as a plea from a GF who loved her BF to help get you some help and advice re. debts and gambling and developed into something more akin to a diary - in other words it seems she wanted to help you and sh*t happened - maybe you would benefit from starting a similar thread of your own progress?

While it's great to hear another side of the story, please for her sake and your own don't try to sabotage it. I'm an ex gambler too so I'm a bit more sympathetic than a lot of people on here will be...

My advice to you is to repay what you owe as quickly as you can, and draw a line in the sand. What happens after that is between the two of you - some of the "problems" you mentioned could easily have been as a result of your actions, when you're in the zone you don't particularly pay as much attention to those around you - be honest with yourself here.

If you have mounting debts then why not contact some place like Step Change to discuss the possibility of a DMP? I'd do this after repaying the outstanding few grand to your ex but it puts budgeting to the forefront of your mind and has certainly helped me

Good luck and use your noddle!

MB of G

Southernman

You need to talk to me. Please don't block me out like you are doing and have done since March. Keep me updated, let me know how things are going.

Reading this in work has made me feel sick knowing that previous months of suffering have taken place. You need your family in your life and the support network there.

Please please just talk to me, you know my house telephone number. I'm home tonight- the option is there.

Let me know of the full financial situation so i can reevaluate the repayment plan if needs be. There's no way you'll pay me back by December as the agreement states (dependant on how much is owed via PDL and credit cards in particular). Just be frank and honest with me about everything and we'll work something out- maybe reevaluate monthly repayment amounts in the short term.

I can't help you though without communication- i'm not an ogre and it sounds like you need someone to talk to.