Male Approaching 40 still trying to find "the one"

NWOIHTS

Netwizard wrote: »

Nope. I'm the same. Not had a date / relationship in 30 years, despite working in an environment where there are a lot of women to men ratio!

Up to about 30 years old, the women happily admit to liking the "bad boys" but after 30 odd, they seem to want to settle down and find someone less like that.

The way I see it is that I have some very good lady friends, and that's good enough for me nowadays. Not bothered about going out on the weekends trying to find or impress anyone. I guess it just works better for me nowadays.

And anyone who says "The ideal woman will turn up with you stop looking" is rubbish, at least in my case

I don't know how many times I've heard that statement, I stopped looking, then started again, then stopped ,doesn't work!

DaveTheMus

NWOIHTS wrote: »

I've never actually asked someone that question but have had a few relationships, it was more just setting a date or whatever.

Yeah I am very defeatist I will put my hand up to that!

I tried talking to a few women maybe at checkouts and stuff and you just get this blank stare like why are you talking or just a wry smile and that's it.

I'll be honest I can't fake this chatty charming guy thing. The problem I think is females think because I don't talk much I am nervous and shy but I am not I am just quiet. I think more than talk.

If you're not the chatty type that's fine....you just have to change your approach.....


The next time you meet someone you like, ask them out for a drink or a meal....anything really were you can chat and get to know one another......

On the first few dates what you have to do is don't talk about yourself.......only ask questions about her.......her goals, aspirations, her job, does she enjoy it, her family.......if she asks you about yourself keep the answers short but maneuver the conversation back to her.......

Why do this you ask?

People love talking about themselves, they can get enough of it!!!


You will never hear a woman say they had a terrible time because all she did was talk about herself on a first date.

You will however hear a woman say that she had a terrible time because all the guy did was talk about himself.

Once you've been on a few dates then you'll be more relaxed and the dynamic will naturally change........

Trust me, this approach served me well many times when I was younger......

Try it, it will work, and it's more geared towards you personality....

Hermia

NWOIHTS wrote: »

I've never actually asked someone that question but have had a few relationships, it was more just setting a date or whatever.

Yeah I am very defeatist I will put my hand up to that!

I tried talking to a few women maybe at checkouts and stuff and you just get this blank stare like why are you talking or just a wry smile and that's it.

I'll be honest I can't fake this chatty charming guy thing. The problem I think is females think because I don't talk much I am nervous and shy but I am not I am just quiet. I think more than talk.

I think you definitely need to find some hobby-related place to meet women. There is a 20s-40s rambler's group near me which seems to have been responsible for an incredible number of marriages! A friend who is a member thinks it's because when you walk you drift from person to person and have a chat with everyone in a relaxed way. So men and women get to know each other without feeling they are putting on a show. You sound like you are trying to meet women in places where you are feeling pressured to perform almost. You need to go somewhere where you are getting to know people via a common interest.

FBaby

About 70% or more of that dating profiles I read say must be able to make me laugh or looking for good banter. I don't know if this is a sort of pretense or whatever it is but I make a point of just ignoring those profiles.

Ok, here it is. There are many men on dating sites who take themselves very seriously and are very boring. Regardless of whether you're there to meet the love of your life or not, what you do want is a date that doesn't leave you feeling that you totally wasted the money (or time) you spent on it. What does make a date go well, regardless of whether there was some attraction or compatibility is the ability to have a laugh.

I have been on dates with some of these men and it didn't take long before I just wanted to be out of it. Meeting someone you know little about is awkward so a bit of banter can help relax the atmosphere.

My first date with my now husband was full of laughter. We felt totally comfortable with each other's company and that no doubt help in finding some attraction and wanting to know each other more.

Saying that, you are who you are, and if you are naturally serious and don't like jokes and laughing, then all you need is to find a female (as you say) like you. The only reason why you are struggling is that they are more of a rare specimen than those females who enjoy a relaxing fun date.

FBaby

The ideal woman will turn up with you stop looking" is rubbish, at least in my case

I used to think the same...until it happened to me. After 4 or 5 years of online dating I had enough and decided not to renew my subscription, not realising that as I had last signed up for 12 months, it renewed it automatically for another 12 months, taking the money straight out of my account. I was really annoyed. Yet, the message that changed my life came less than a week later. If it hadn't renewed itself, I don't think I would have bothered subscribing again even for one month and I would have missed on meeting my husband, the love of my life.

They say that it only comes when you don't expect it any longer because if you stop expecting something, you have a lot of time for it to happen afterwards

paulineb_2

I think when you get into the mindset of all women want this and all women want that, you're onto a loser. Also there are people who do well on dating sites but you might need to sift through a fair few disasters to meet someone you like. I wouldnt use a dating site to meet someone personally, Id try and widen my circle of friends and do other things first, I do know people who have met on dating sites and are still together, but they arent for me and I have my reasons for saying that.

I think sometimes you need to look at what is missing in your life, apart from a partner, before you start looking for that person. If you find someone you like, fine, if not, then your life is as it is.

NWOIHTS

FBaby wrote: »

Ok, here it is. There are many men on dating sites who take themselves very seriously and are very boring. Regardless of whether you're there to meet the love of your life or not, what you do want is a date that doesn't leave you feeling that you totally wasted the money (or time) you spent on it. What does make a date go well, regardless of whether there was some attraction or compatibility is the ability to have a laugh.

I have been on dates with some of these men and it didn't take long before I just wanted to be out of it. Meeting someone you know little about is awkward so a bit of banter can help relax the atmosphere.

My first date with my now husband was full of laughter. We felt totally comfortable with each other's company and that no doubt help in finding some attraction and wanting to know each other more.

Saying that, you are who you are, and if you are naturally serious and don't like jokes and laughing, then all you need is to find a female (as you say) like you. The only reason why you are struggling is that they are more of a rare specimen than those females who enjoy a relaxing fun date.

Ok maybe I am painting myself as a serious type but what I am getting at is I am not a natural centre of the crowd type of person. To be honest I have many times been with a crowd and had everyone laughing and joining in and it does come to me but not always.

I think on a date I would want to have 'a bit' of banter and a laugh and I can usually find some material to get that atmosphere going. However as I said I am not naturally like this and the other person would have to be mutually inclined to bounce of what I am saying. I couldn't just sit there all night having someone laughing solely at what I am saying.

Is it perhaps I am misinterpreting what people are saying on dating sites? By that I mean me thinking I have to be some sort of entertainment to them.

stebiz

Person_one wrote: »

Its the wrong word, female is an adjective. Its also rather dehumanising don't you think? Makes us sound like lab monkeys.

I'm not at all surprised you used it though. :cool:

See what you're missing mate. :rotfl:They have dishwashers and washing machines now and they don't answer back. Kitchen now Person_one.

stebiz

NWOIHTS wrote: »

Ok maybe I am painting myself as a serious type but what I am getting at is I am not a natural centre of the crowd type of person. To be honest I have many times been with a crowd and had everyone laughing and joining in and it does come to me but not always.

I think on a date I would want to have 'a bit' of banter and a laugh and I can usually find some material to get that atmosphere going. However as I said I am not naturally like this and the other person would have to be mutually inclined to bounce of what I am saying. I couldn't just sit there all night having someone laughing solely at what I am saying.

Is it perhaps I am misinterpreting what people are saying on dating sites? By that I mean me thinking I have to be some sort of entertainment to them.

What are you after in your 'female'?

NWOIHTS

So what's some things to say on dating sites, what would you like to be asked to start a convo? I try many different things but usually get no replies.

Basically looking at their profile and asking them about things they've said, you know like how did you get into doing that, or what kind of things do you like to do at the weekend/for fun etc.