Is it a lost cause ?

Person_one

robin_banks wrote: »

50% of marriages end in divorce, it's not that those folk didn't intend to be together for the rest of thier lives.

Well, 42%, currently.

Prothet_of_Doom

Arlandria606 wrote: »

If you don't have a realistic expectation of still being happy with a person in your old age, don't marry them in the first place. If you're too young to make that decision, wait until you're older.

Marriage is a serious commitment. Yes, things happen that weren't foreseen, things change, etc., and sometimes splitting up is the best thing to do. But no-one should be going into marriage with the expectation of it not lasting. What's the point of that?

I think we agree.


Oh, I think you should always have the "This is for Life, how can WE make it work" mentality, because if you think, "Well, if it doesn't work out, we can always divorce" then you weren't actually committing or trying hard enough.

But sometime in Life, in Marriage, for some people you really have to accept that things have now changed and you really may as well accept that you'll both be happier by going opposite directions.

justme111

Re self destruction button. You do it because you can . Once you lose something because of it you may become better. Not before that. Come , on , let's be serious - you do not.behave.like that in a society - with an employer for example etc. So you are not a psychopath , you know how to behave , you just chose not to with your wife. Can you list proofs of your love for her ? Because it sounds like you don't want to move out because it would meant a huge upheaval for you - worse off financially , not having your favourite telly , , seeing children less and so on , nothing related to your love.

Cottage_Economy

Person_one wrote: »

Well, 42%, currently.

And a proportion of those are people who have been married and divorced before. I can't remember where I read this (I'll look for it tonight if I get a moment) but if you divorce once, you're more likely to divorce again apparently.

I actually think the statistics on marriage and divorce are very misleading. I think more first and only marriages succeed than are being given credit for by the press.

Cottage_Economy

MDaws wrote: »

There is potential that my wife may be going away at Easter (although I hope things may have improved by then). I am fortunate enough that I can look at arranging some travel through work within the next week or so.

I did look provisionally at booking a solo week away at the end of the month for a break. Funnily enough, the travel agent called me at home yesterday afternoon whilst I was out, and asked my wife whether I wanted to confirm the trip ..... she didn't seem terribly impressed about the idea when she told me about the call !

So rather than have her husband tell her about the trip some stranger on the phone did? Did you actually discuss with her you were booking a trip at that time and that it would be alone? I take it you were assuming she had nothing booked to do that week and would stay and look after the kids?

I think you're playing silly games, messing with your wife's head on purpose and winding her up deliberately.

Your behaviour is passive aggressive at best, and she's been putting up with your silliness for years, although she has shown her displeasure with your behaviour in one very obvious way: she no longer sleeps with you.

My ex-boyfriend of 10 years used to play the same games you do. That's why he's an ex. Eventually you wake up one morning and realise you've had enough of the b*llsh*t and you want out. It wears you down until you no longer find the person attractive as a companion or a lover.

themull1

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

And a proportion of those are people who have been married and divorced before. I can't remember where I read this (I'll look for it tonight if I get a moment) but if you divorce once, you're more likely to divorce again apparently.

I actually think the statistics on marriage and divorce are very misleading. I think more first and only marriages succeed than are being given credit for by the press.

Oh no, i'm on my third one!! I change husbands more than people change cars!!

Cottage_Economy

themull1 wrote: »

Oh no, i'm on my third one!! I change husbands more than people change cars!!

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

There's nothing wrong with seeking perfection. Practice makes perfect.:D

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

MDaws wrote: »

With respect, it would appear that you are reading between the lines and seeing things that aren't there at all ...

I have admitted to saying some hurtful things in the past (as has she), but at no point is this a tirade of awful things.

Yes, I have sought help regarding the mood swings, although there are no rages going on - I'm really not that sort of person. Certainly these are not caused by financial difficulties - as I said earlier in the thread, financially, we are better off now than we have ever been.

At no point have I said that she seems slow or not as smart as me - I would be interested in seeing where you have come to that conclusion ? Likewise, I have stated that I have not had an affair - and no, I haven't considered it, despite the lack of intimacy. When I took my wedding vows, I actually meant what I said about being faithful.

Finally, the refusal to move out is not because I 'wouldn't enjoy it' seems to be making light of the situation. Whilst I can see that a short time apart may help, I can't imagine being without the kids. As mentioned by other posters, there is the option for her to levae for a while if she feels that strongly about it.

I'm not reading anything into it. I'm asking questions that it won't hurt to stop and think about - plenty of medical conditions can lead to people behaving uncharacteristically with their family, and if diagnosed, can be easily treated. The questions were not accusations - although I would say that being so far out of control as to say incredibly hurtful things that you would never normally say, does count as rage. Of course, if you weren't completely out of control, then you are entirely responsible for them.

I think she knows you aren't that bothered about her, really. And the holiday thing has added to it.



I certainly wouldn't stay in a relationship where I was sent to Coventry for not liking somebody saying they don't care whether I go on holiday. I wouldn't react the same, had they said something like 'I've always supported mum's freedom to go when and where she likes', compared to 'I don't have an opinion', which really does sound like you couldn't care less about what she does. It's a slight change in phrasing that makes all the difference.

justme111

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I certainly wouldn't stay in a relationship where I was sent to Coventry for not liking somebody saying they don't care whether I go on holiday.


That sounds like a fairly minor issue compared with 5 years of no sexual life. Difficult to second guess what people engaged in that would reason like really as it seems they belong to different specie.

MDaws

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

So rather than have her husband tell her about the trip some stranger on the phone did? Did you actually discuss with her you were booking a trip at that time and that it would be alone? I take it you were assuming she had nothing booked to do that week and would stay and look after the kids?

I think you're playing silly games, messing with your wife's head on purpose and winding her up deliberately.

Your behaviour is passive aggressive at best, and she's been putting up with your silliness for years, although she has shown her displeasure with your behaviour in one very obvious way: she no longer sleeps with you.

My ex-boyfriend of 10 years used to play the same games you do. That's why he's an ex. Eventually you wake up one morning and realise you've had enough of the b*llsh*t and you want out. It wears you down until you no longer find the person attractive as a companion or a lover.

Actually, it was her idea during the initial conversation that it may be best if I went away for a few days. I had already told her that I had provisionally looked at getting away for a week in the near future, but had not actually booked the flights.

Things have improved slightly over the last couple of days - we are at least talking more and discussing things better. She still insists that we are over as a couple, but accepts that the current living arrangements will stay as they are for the time being.

I have told her that I am seeing someone soon to discuss the mood swings I have had in the past, and I have also got a session booked with a Relate counsellor this week, however it looks like that will be a solo session.