Is it a lost cause ?

MDaws

Hi all

New user name being used here as my wife often uses my account to post / read the forums.

Just looking for opinions really, and advice if there is any going spare - apologies in advance for what may well turn out to be a long, rambling post !

Okay .... Been with my wife for over 20 years, married for 18. Two children, one in sixth form and one at high school. Now I will be the first to admit that I have been difficult to live with at times - probably more times than I like to think about. I have suffered from mood swings, and I know that I can be very quick to say things that hurt the feelings of people that I care deeply about.

I really do not know where these mood swings come from, and it is almost as if I have a self-destruct buttom somewhere in my head, because I will say things during an argument that I know is hurting my wife, yet I can't seem to stop myself from saying them.

We have had difficult periods in the past, both financially and emotionally, but we have always managed to come through them. We are now in the best position we have ever been, financially. This time though, I think our marriage may be over.

Looking at things honestly, it is clear that we have been drifting apart for years .... we have not slept together for years (yes, literally years), and the most physical contact we have had is the occasional hug, or peck on the cheek.

We have discussed this in the past, and we feel we have both been guilty of putting so much time and effort into our kids, that we have neglected each other and our relationship, to the point where we have both said that we worry that there will be nothing left between us when the kids fly the nest. Despite this, we have both failed to really try to improve things in this area.

Between Christmas and New Year, one flippant comment was interpreted in completely the wrong way, and it was as if World War 3 had kicked off - we then proceeded to have complete silence between us for 5 days.

When we did finally get round to speaking, my wife asked me to leave the family home to give her some time. I simply cannot do this - regardless of the additional financial burden that this would cause, I simply cannot walk away from my kids.

When I refused to do this, she has announced that she now wants a divorce, stating that I have forced her into this stance because I won't walk away for an indeterminate period of time.

As I mentioned before, I know that I am diffcult to live with at times, and I have made an appointment to see someone to try to get to the bottom of this - although the horse may long have bolted on this occasion.

We have discussed things over the past few days, and she assures me that she has never been unfaithful, and there is no-one else involved now, however she did admit that she is convinced that I have cheated in the past (I haven't).

We have sat the kids down to talk it over, and they have both said that they don't want either of us to move out, but they want us to be happy. The last couple of days have been better, with no arguing, but she still maintains that she is not going to change her mind, and she still wants to get divorced, even if it means waiting until the youngest is 16 (4 years from now).

I really don't know what to do - I genuinely do love her and can't imagine being without her. She is convinced that I only want to stay with her because of the kids (not true). Sad to admit that I have actually contemplated doing something really stupid - another reason why I have booked an appointment to see someone to talk things through.

I am apprehensive about trying to arrange things to get closer to her in case she declines and we end up rowing again.

I know that she loves me, and she knows that I love her ..... but are we 'in love' with each other ? I don't know

Sorry for rambling, and I know that on the face of things, the majority of the responses may be to tell me that I have no chance of staying with her, but if nothing else, it has been therapeutic to sit and type things out !

aileth

If she wants to leave you and get a divorce, then she wants to leave you and get a divorce. You can't force her to stay with you when she seems genuinely unhappy. I'd work as hard as you possibly can on your relationship until she actually hands you the papers to sign.

belfastgirl23

So your wife has told you what she needs (space) but you have refused to give it to her. Yet you are expecting her to believe that things are now different? I don't mean to kick you when you're down but it seems to me that you are acknowledging that you have been in the wrong but you aren't prepared to take any steps to put things right. For whatever reason, your one flippant comment caused your wife huge pain. You need to take responsibility for that, though it seems to me that what you are doing here is blaming her for that. This is really unhelpful if your main goal is to preserve your relationship.

The first step is sitting down and listening properly to your wife and trying to see things from her point of view. Honestly if these talks degenerate into rows, you need to take responsibility for that as well. It takes two to have a row. You don't end up rowing, you decide to do so. It is possible to take someone's anger and absorb and deflect it rather than flaring up at it, and hear what they are telling you rather than simply trying to defend your own position.

The other thing is that sometimes putting aside the idea of right and wrong is helpful too. Whatever she thinks, she has reasons for thinking it. So instead of being upset that she thinks you have had affairs, ask yourself, why does she think that? She must have a reason? Is it because of your moods and emotional unavailability for example, both of which can be signs that someone is investing that emotional energy elsewhere. Being angry with her about it is not going to do you any good.

It may not feel like it but I am trying to help here. By stepping up and owning your responsibility for what went wrong you will in the end feel better. I'm not saying that you should presume you're the only one at fault, in a relationship mostly this is a shared responsibility. But more so that if you start dealing with your half, then you will encourage your wife to start dealing with her half too and hopefully make space for discussions rather than rows, however painful that might be.

I'd also suggest you look at some information on active listening to help you with this.

Well done on agreeing to see someone, however bear in mind that no one else can sort this out for you. If you want to have any chance of saving your family, you need to make some changes. No one else can do this for you. If you don't want to make the changes then that's fair enough but you need to be aware of what the cost is.

HPoirot

I would suggest sitting down and writing her a letter, laying yourself bare as you are doing on here. Sometimes it works better than just saying things, especially if you have a hisory of saying hurtful things or explosive verbal arguments etc. She may just have tuned off when you speak, and that is where a letter would in the very least explain your feelings for her.

MDaws

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

So your wife has told you what she needs (space) but you have refused to give it to her.

In the famous words of Meatloaf 'I would do anything for love ..... but I won't do that'

Not trivialising it in any way, and I would be willing to try (almost) anything to save my marriage .... but the thought of moving out absolutely kills me. I know that I could do it if it was just me and her, in an attempt to save the relationship, but I can't imagine moving out from the kids.

I appreciate your input - a lot of sense in there, and definitely something I will take on board

robin_banks

Why would you let your wife use your account?

paulineb_2

MDaws wrote: »

In the famous words of Meatloaf 'I would do anything for love ..... but I won't do that'

Not trivialising it in any way, and I would be willing to try (almost) anything to save my marriage .... but the thought of moving out absolutely kills me. I know that I could do it if it was just me and her, in an attempt to save the relationship, but I can't imagine moving out from the kids.

I appreciate your input - a lot of sense in there, and definitely something I will take on board

The alternative is two people living unhappily in the same home and the kids suffering for another 4 years. Shes said she wants a divorce, it sounds like the marriage has been dead for years by your own admission. I think you should respect her wishes and separate even if its for a short time.

robin_banks

aileth wrote: »

If she wants to leave you and get a divorce, then she wants to leave you and get a divorce. You can't force her to stay with you when she seems genuinely unhappy. I'd work as hard as you possibly can on your relationship until she actually hands you the papers to sign.

I don't think shes does tbh.

elsien

Nothing to stop her from leaving for a bit if she wants a bit of space. (I do get annoyed by the blanket presumption that it's always the man who has to go.)


Have you had relationship counselling either of you, either individually or as a couple?

stir_crazy

elsien wrote: »

Nothing to stop her from leaving for a bit if she wants a bit of space.


Have you had relationship counselling either of you, either individually or as a couple?

I thought this too, its the OP's wife who wants the space so she could always move out for a while.

Asking for a divorce could be a way of trying to force your hand, to either separate for a while or to work on your problems. Counselling would be a good idea if you dont want to divorce.

itsanne

HPoirot wrote: »

I would suggest sitting down and writing her a letter, laying yourself bare as you are doing on here. Sometimes it works better than just saying things, especially if you have a hisory of saying hurtful things or explosive verbal arguments etc. She may just have tuned off when you speak, and that is where a letter would in the very least explain your feelings for her.

This is excellent advice. Not only does it mean you can put everything down without things degenerating into an argument or being side-tracked, it gives your wife the chance to digest things and go back to them. Make sure you take full responsibility and do not attempt to justify yourself or blame her at all.

If your wife gives you another chance, and she may have reached the point where that is impossible, there will be big changes needed!