Is it a lost cause ?

Scorpio33

Its only a lost cause when both parties give up...

[Deleted User]

In terms of your own mood swings; have you considered CBT or meditation (or both)?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Scorpio33 wrote: »

Its only a lost cause when both parties give up...

That's a recipe for abuse/stalking/harassment charges. If it's over for one, it's over for both. Anything else is showing a staggering lack of respect for the other person.

You're verbally abusive, you don't make love, you won't even consider giving her a break from the walking on eggshells feeling people get when they know any disagreement will result in the other person unleashing a tirade of awful things upon them, and shes had the insecurity of never knowing when your mood is going to swing that way again.


Have you seen the GP about these mood swings and rages?

Have the financial difficulties resulted from you overspending leading up to one of those times where your mood has gone from 'up' to 'angry'?

Do you tend to sleep far less during those times?

Do you get really deep into hobbies/interests and then lose interest after spending a lot of money on them?

Have you got annoyed because she sometimes seems slow and boring and not as smart as you?

Have you been thought to be having affairs because you sometimes turn into a very gregarious, confident, life and soul type of person, wanting to go out, wanting to drink more, etc?



By refusing to go for a short time because you wouldn't enjoy it, you may have caused her to make the final decision when she was trying to avoid it. Few people respond well when pushed into a corner. Nonetheless, it will be a benefit to everybody if you were to see your doctor and honestly describe your mood swings, temper and anything else, as they can do tests to exclude lots of illnesses that can cause such symptoms.

HPoirot

OP, just reflecting on the 5-day silent treatment, if you have got into the habit of always being right and not apologising for your words (I am just going out on a tangent here, on the basis of the 5 days), then it would be a good idea to reflect on that and change - now. Offer your apologies for the hurtful things you have said and done and seek help for addressing them - this would be an attitude problem which would need to be worked on. Things can get a bit too complacent in a long marriage and you need a total overhaul of your role in this marriage, especially in areas where Mrs Daws is at the end of her tether with your behaviour. The bottom line for your situation now though would be to grovel and seek to change.

MDaws

paulineb wrote: »

I understand its not one sided and I did read the part where he said that they have both neglected one another, but hes been very clear about these moods swings, without elaborating on this very much, said that he made a "flippant" comment over christmas that ended up with 5 days of silence.

Says he cant seem to stop saying hurtful things to his wife. If I were in that situation and I appreciate Im not, I dont think Id want to be used as someones emotional punchbag over the years, then ask for a divorce to be told no and then have the person refuse to leave.

It sounds very much like this relationship has been emotionally abusive and I do think he should be the one to go. Even if its in the short term.

Digging his heels in and saying no wont do him any favours in the long run if theres any hope of saving the marriage.

Hi Pauline - whilst it is true that I have been guilty of saying hurtful things to my wife, it has not been an entirely one-way street in that respect. My wife also admits that she has been to blame for the failings within the marriage, although maybe not to the extent that I have.

I think the 'emotional punchbag' term that you use could have been coined for both of us at various times during the relationship.

I know you can only comment on the limited information that is in my posts, however I didn't want to come on here and assassinate her character in order to gain sympathetic responses.

MDaws

Arlandria606 wrote: »

I just wanted to say that I think it's an awful idea to actively involve your children in these discussions. It sounds almost like you asked them to suggest solutions, and - despite the oldest being at uni - they're too young for that kind of responsibility, especially when they're so involved in the situation. Many children blame themselves when their parents split up, and in your case, you've actually given them cause to do so.

The bottom line is that so long as you make an appropriate decision and handle it with respect and maturity, your children will cope with it - it's far more important that you deal with the situation appropriately than you stay with your wife "for their sake".

Work out with your wife what you want to do and how you want to handle it. Then bring in the children, tell them what's going to happen, let them ask questions, and tell them they can always talk to either of you about it if they need to. Don't make them contributors to the decision-making process.

I agree - and I was totally against the idea of bringing them into the conversation. They are both intelligent kids and were clearly aware that things are not 'right' at home, but I still thought we should shield them as much as possible. Unfortunately, my wife instigated that conversation after bringing them into the room.

MDaws

robin_banks wrote: »

How flippant is flippant?

The flippant comment really was (in my opinion at the time) nothing harmful at all ! A little more history that lead to it: My wife loves to travel, and this is something I have always encouraged. She has travelled on occasions with the kids, with other family members and with friends, as well as the more normal family holidays (my time off is more restrictive).

Over the Christmas break, my wife was talking about going away with her friend at Easter, and my son asked what I thought about that. My response was simply to say that I had no real opinion. I truly meant nothing untoward by that comment, as I am quite happy for her to travel and see new places. On this occasion though, it all blew up, as she took this to mean that I didn't care that she was going to go away without the rest of the family.

MDaws

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

That's a recipe for abuse/stalking/harassment charges. If it's over for one, it's over for both. Anything else is showing a staggering lack of respect for the other person.

You're verbally abusive, you don't make love, you won't even consider giving her a break from the walking on eggshells feeling people get when they know any disagreement will result in the other person unleashing a tirade of awful things upon them, and shes had the insecurity of never knowing when your mood is going to swing that way again.


Have you seen the GP about these mood swings and rages?

Have the financial difficulties resulted from you overspending leading up to one of those times where your mood has gone from 'up' to 'angry'?

Do you tend to sleep far less during those times?

Do you get really deep into hobbies/interests and then lose interest after spending a lot of money on them?

Have you got annoyed because she sometimes seems slow and boring and not as smart as you?

Have you been thought to be having affairs because you sometimes turn into a very gregarious, confident, life and soul type of person, wanting to go out, wanting to drink more, etc?



By refusing to go for a short time because you wouldn't enjoy it, you may have caused her to make the final decision when she was trying to avoid it. Few people respond well when pushed into a corner. Nonetheless, it will be a benefit to everybody if you were to see your doctor and honestly describe your mood swings, temper and anything else, as they can do tests to exclude lots of illnesses that can cause such symptoms.

With respect, it would appear that you are reading between the lines and seeing things that aren't there at all ...

I have admitted to saying some hurtful things in the past (as has she), but at no point is this a tirade of awful things.

Yes, I have sought help regarding the mood swings, although there are no rages going on - I'm really not that sort of person. Certainly these are not caused by financial difficulties - as I said earlier in the thread, financially, we are better off now than we have ever been.

At no point have I said that she seems slow or not as smart as me - I would be interested in seeing where you have come to that conclusion ? Likewise, I have stated that I have not had an affair - and no, I haven't considered it, despite the lack of intimacy. When I took my wedding vows, I actually meant what I said about being faithful.

Finally, the refusal to move out is not because I 'wouldn't enjoy it' seems to be making light of the situation. Whilst I can see that a short time apart may help, I can't imagine being without the kids. As mentioned by other posters, there is the option for her to levae for a while if she feels that strongly about it.

MDaws

HPoirot wrote: »

OP, just reflecting on the 5-day silent treatment, if you have got into the habit of always being right and not apologising for your words (I am just going out on a tangent here, on the basis of the 5 days), then it would be a good idea to reflect on that and change - now. Offer your apologies for the hurtful things you have said and done and seek help for addressing them - this would be an attitude problem which would need to be worked on. Things can get a bit too complacent in a long marriage and you need a total overhaul of your role in this marriage, especially in areas where Mrs Daws is at the end of her tether with your behaviour. The bottom line for your situation now though would be to grovel and seek to change.

It would appear that you chose your user name very well ... I admit that I have in the past been very guilty of always being right, and never feeling the need to apologise. It is something that I know I need to work on and am actively doing so now.

MDaws

Mojisola wrote: »

It's not all from one side - would it be possible for your wife to have a week away somewhere as a holiday followed by you going away for a week? It would give both of you a breathing space and a chance to see what you would be giving up if a permanent split happens.

You could ask your kids to be completely honest with the two of you - they may be able to identify trigger points that set things off and the two of you could modify your behaviour. Outside counselling may also help.

There is potential that my wife may be going away at Easter (although I hope things may have improved by then). I am fortunate enough that I can look at arranging some travel through work within the next week or so.

I did look provisionally at booking a solo week away at the end of the month for a break. Funnily enough, the travel agent called me at home yesterday afternoon whilst I was out, and asked my wife whether I wanted to confirm the trip ..... she didn't seem terribly impressed about the idea when she told me about the call !