Is it a lost cause ?

paulineb_2

Difficult to live with at times? Over how long a period have these mood swings been going on? To be fair, we dont know the financial situation of this couple and why the wife has asked him to leave rather than going herself and having kids under 18 I would imagine she might not want to uproot the kids and possibly disturb schooling.

Edit, re read first post, OP says they are in the best financial position theyve been in for a long time.

duchy

So your wife asked you to leave to give you both some space ...and you refused -giving the reason that you couldn't leave the kids (not any reason connected to your wife) and now you are wondering why she thinks the only reason you want to stay is for the children and not for her ?

Can you really not see why she'd think that ?

DomRavioli

MDaws wrote: »

In the famous words of Meatloaf 'I would do anything for love ..... but I won't do that'

Not trivialising it in any way, and I would be willing to try (almost) anything to save my marriage .... but the thought of moving out absolutely kills me. I know that I could do it if it was just me and her, in an attempt to save the relationship, but I can't imagine moving out from the kids.

I appreciate your input - a lot of sense in there, and definitely something I will take on board

So you're not willing to try anything (almost). Give her the space she NEEDS otherwise she's gone for good, and won't be coming back.

Sorry to not sugar the pill but someone has to tell you exactly how it is sunshine!

paddy's_mum

MDaws wrote: »

but I won't do that'

Don't then - nobody can force you.

Except the Divorce Court judge, of course, which is exactly where you're heading if you can't, don't or won't work WITH your wife.

Tixy

How about a compromise?

Say that you are not happy to move out but that you do want this to work and understand she needs a bit of thinking time.

Could you offer to stay elsewhere for maybe a week to give her some breathing space. Obviously you would want to see the kids during that time, perhaps she could go out 1 or 2 evenings or stay overnight with her friends/family so you could go round and perhaps you could meet up with them elsewhere as well.

It might just give you both a bit of time to decide what is really important to you.

I also like the idea of writing her a letter as suggested above.

paulineb_2

MDaws wrote: »

Hi all

New user name being used here as my wife often uses my account to post / read the forums.

Just looking for opinions really, and advice if there is any going spare - apologies in advance for what may well turn out to be a long, rambling post !

Okay .... Been with my wife for over 20 years, married for 18. Two children, one in sixth form and one at high school. Now I will be the first to admit that I have been difficult to live with at times - probably more times than I like to think about. I have suffered from mood swings, and I know that I can be very quick to say things that hurt the feelings of people that I care deeply about.

I really do not know where these mood swings come from, and it is almost as if I have a self-destruct buttom somewhere in my head, because I will say things during an argument that I know is hurting my wife, yet I can't seem to stop myself from saying them.

We have had difficult periods in the past, both financially and emotionally, but we have always managed to come through them. We are now in the best position we have ever been, financially. This time though, I think our marriage may be over.

Looking at things honestly, it is clear that we have been drifting apart for years .... we have not slept together for years (yes, literally years), and the most physical contact we have had is the occasional hug, or peck on the cheek.

We have discussed this in the past, and we feel we have both been guilty of putting so much time and effort into our kids, that we have neglected each other and our relationship, to the point where we have both said that we worry that there will be nothing left between us when the kids fly the nest. Despite this, we have both failed to really try to improve things in this area.

Between Christmas and New Year, one flippant comment was interpreted in completely the wrong way, and it was as if World War 3 had kicked off - we then proceeded to have complete silence between us for 5 days.

When we did finally get round to speaking, my wife asked me to leave the family home to give her some time. I simply cannot do this - regardless of the additional financial burden that this would cause, I simply cannot walk away from my kids.

When I refused to do this, she has announced that she now wants a divorce, stating that I have forced her into this stance because I won't walk away for an indeterminate period of time.

As I mentioned before, I know that I am diffcult to live with at times, and I have made an appointment to see someone to try to get to the bottom of this - although the horse may long have bolted on this occasion.

We have discussed things over the past few days, and she assures me that she has never been unfaithful, and there is no-one else involved now, however she did admit that she is convinced that I have cheated in the past (I haven't).

We have sat the kids down to talk it over, and they have both said that they don't want either of us to move out, but they want us to be happy. The last couple of days have been better, with no arguing, but she still maintains that she is not going to change her mind, and she still wants to get divorced, even if it means waiting until the youngest is 16 (4 years from now).

I really don't know what to do - I genuinely do love her and can't imagine being without her. She is convinced that I only want to stay with her because of the kids (not true). Sad to admit that I have actually contemplated doing something really stupid - another reason why I have booked an appointment to see someone to talk things through.

I am apprehensive about trying to arrange things to get closer to her in case she declines and we end up rowing again.

I know that she loves me, and she knows that I love her ..... but are we 'in love' with each other ? I don't know

Sorry for rambling, and I know that on the face of things, the majority of the responses may be to tell me that I have no chance of staying with her, but if nothing else, it has been therapeutic to sit and type things out !

I think you sound like you are in denial about just how bad your mood swings have affected the rest of the family.

You cant stop yourself saying things that hurt her? You made a flippant comment at Christmas? You dont sleep together and havent done for a long time.

The marriage sounds as if its well and truly over and you are doing your kids no favours by wanting them to continue to live in what must be a horrible atmosphere for them.

z.n

The only way forward is complete honesty. That means talking everything through- and listening. It sounds like things may have reached the end of the road but if you can agree to give it 6 months to try to see some improvement then you might get lucky. You say there is still love there on both sides so there is at least something to work with.

IMO no sex for years is a disaster- all those bonding moments lost. There is a reason why all that stopped and I would imagine that reason is at the root of everything that has flowed since. There may be some underlying depression your wife has hidden- you really need to take the time and effort to hear and understand how she is feeling. It may be that she is expecting you to read her mind too (I do that and have had to learn to say when I am cross or unhappy about something) and you have been missing the non-verbal clues.

I am not a great fan of the temporary break idea (except for a day or two as a breathing space and even then think of the effect on the children)- I cannot see how one can resolve problems without talking/communicating. However, professional help to get that communication going might be in order. You say you have a good financial basis- so I would look at a bit of family psychotherapy with a highly qualified therapist-ie someone who will be able to help with any underlying anger issues/depression issues as well.

Caroline_a

This 'staying together until the children leave home' is only prolonging the agony. I know of one boy who got to uni and half way through Freshers week was told that his parents had split up due to his mother having had an affair for years. The parents had 'lived with it' until he left home.

He was devastated and it affected him for a long long time. Plasters need to be pulled off quickly, and if your marriage is truly over, prolonging it like this is quite frankly selfish and cruel.

MDaws

elsien wrote: »

Nothing to stop her from leaving for a bit if she wants a bit of space. (I do get annoyed by the blanket presumption that it's always the man who has to go.)


Have you had relationship counselling either of you, either individually or as a couple?

I did raise the option of her leaving for a while during one of our 'discussions' .... she was less than receptive to that idea. I suggested going to RELATE earlier this week, but she was reluctant ..... possibly something to raise again over the weekend.

MDaws

duchy wrote: »

So your wife asked you to leave to give you both some space ...and you refused -giving the reason that you couldn't leave the kids (not any reason connected to your wife) and now you are wondering why she thinks the only reason you want to stay is for the children and not for her ?

Can you really not see why she'd think that ?

Good point ! I should have clarified a little more on that point. I have assured her that I don't want to stay with her ONLY because of the kids. What I intended to convey in my post was that I could probably go ahead with the trial seperation if there was no-one else involved at all.