Is it a lost cause ?

stormbreaker

Living with anyone is never easy. We ALL have irritating anomalies. We can love and hate in equal measures.

There are rarely innocent parties.

I think you are trying too hard and blaming yourself too much!

Does she accuse you of being constantly grumpy and negative? Are you the one who always gives in?

Sit down and discuss what you both want out of life. Is it a long term loving relationship? Or is it the freedom of being single? I think you know what you want, but do you know what your wife wants? Does she know what she wants long term?

The kids are old enough now to be left for an hour or so on their own whilst you go out for a meal or a long walk. Take time out to be together. Suggest these things and try to be more positive.

The grass is rarely greener on the other side, I think you realise this but does she?

Prothet_of_Doom

Before I comment, I'd like to say, that I've been married almost 24 years, my kids are a little older than yours, and I've seen the ups and downs, of married life, both of my own marriage and that of friends and family.
Firstly let me ask why people hang on to married life. Why we make a decision at 20 and think that you'll still be happy together at 80?
There are so many reason why people kling on to life with someone that is making both of them unhappy, but most of the reasons are rubbish.
Only stay together if both of you agree that this can work, and that you both fully intend to make it work. If your wife says "I need space to think", give her time and space, and accept that she is within her rights to say "Actually I think it's over"

I work with a couple of blokes who have both gone through divorces in the last 12 months, and have started to rebuild their relationships with Kids. In both cases it seems that they now get on better with the ex wife than they did before.

paulineb_2

MDaws wrote: »

Hi Pauline - whilst it is true that I have been guilty of saying hurtful things to my wife, it has not been an entirely one-way street in that respect. My wife also admits that she has been to blame for the failings within the marriage, although maybe not to the extent that I have.

I think the 'emotional punchbag' term that you use could have been coined for both of us at various times during the relationship.

I know you can only comment on the limited information that is in my posts, however I didn't want to come on here and assassinate her character in order to gain sympathetic responses.

Your kids are the most important people in all of this. The pair of you staying in the same house until the youngest is 16 is not going to be productive for them.

You may think that theyve been shielded from whatever is going on between the pair of you, but parents in the same house not speaking for 5 days??? Who wants to live like that at their age?

If she doesnt want to try and mend the marriage, then you'll need to accept that its over and find a way of moving forward with the least damage to the kids, you owe them that. Forcing them to stay in a home thats an unhappy environment because neither of you wants to leave is unfair, extremely unfair. They dont deserve to be caught up in the middle of your issues.

Okydoky25

Show your wife this post

HPoirot

It is not all lost if she blows her top at the thought of your going off on a jolly on your own. What you could do is offer to take her away in order to work at kick-starting your marriage again. Can you find it in you to be the man she first met? Being in a neutral environment would help, if she is willing. The bottom line now is to grovel - I really do think that!

HPoirot

MDaws wrote: »

It would appear that you chose your user name very well ...

(Ze little grey cells mon ami). Sorry, couldn't help that .

System

Between Christmas and New Year, one flippant comment was interpreted in completely the wrong way, and it was as if World War 3 had kicked off - we then proceeded to have complete silence between us for 5 days.

Well I suppose it depends on what was said but it stands a chance the comment was the straw that broke the camels back. You already admitted your difficult to live with.

Now I will be the first to admit that I have been difficult to live with at times - probably more times than I like to think about. I have suffered from mood swings, and I know that I can be very quick to say things that hurt the feelings of people that I care deeply about.

A person can only take so much you know.

Looking at things honestly, it is clear that we have been drifting apart for years .... we have not slept together for years (yes, literally years), and the most physical contact we have had is the occasional hug, or peck on the cheek.

Well that's not healthy is it? It seems like neither one of you can be bothered to make an effort.

Carry on, be like a number of my friends who have gone through 20+ years of marriage, wait till the kids leave home and theres nothing left of the relationship and then split up, or live a fair few years in misery for both of you.

I know what I'd rather have given the choice.

Arlandria606

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

Before I comment, I'd like to say, that I've been married almost 24 years, my kids are a little older than yours, and I've seen the ups and downs, of married life, both of my own marriage and that of friends and family.
Firstly let me ask why people hang on to married life. Why we make a decision at 20 and think that you'll still be happy together at 80?
There are so many reason why people kling on to life with someone that is making both of them unhappy, but most of the reasons are rubbish.
Only stay together if both of you agree that this can work, and that you both fully intend to make it work. If your wife says "I need space to think", give her time and space, and accept that she is within her rights to say "Actually I think it's over"

I work with a couple of blokes who have both gone through divorces in the last 12 months, and have started to rebuild their relationships with Kids. In both cases it seems that they now get on better with the ex wife than they did before.

If you don't have a realistic expectation of still being happy with a person in your old age, don't marry them in the first place. If you're too young to make that decision, wait until you're older.

Marriage is a serious commitment. Yes, things happen that weren't foreseen, things change, etc., and sometimes splitting up is the best thing to do. But no-one should be going into marriage with the expectation of it not lasting. What's the point of that?

robin_banks

MDaws wrote: »

The flippant comment really was (in my opinion at the time) nothing harmful at all ! A little more history that lead to it: My wife loves to travel, and this is something I have always encouraged. She has travelled on occasions with the kids, with other family members and with friends, as well as the more normal family holidays (my time off is more restrictive).

Over the Christmas break, my wife was talking about going away with her friend at Easter, and my son asked what I thought about that. My response was simply to say that I had no real opinion. I truly meant nothing untoward by that comment, as I am quite happy for her to travel and see new places. On this occasion though, it all blew up, as she took this to mean that I didn't care that she was going to go away without the rest of the family.

It's not just one remark though it's cumulative surely?

Are you actually happy?, you say there hasn't been much 'intimacy' of late? That clearly isn't a good indicator and you opnely acknowledge this.

robin_banks

Arlandria606 wrote: »

If you don't have a realistic expectation of still being happy with a person in your old age, don't marry them in the first place. If you're too young to make that decision, wait until you're older.

Marriage is a serious commitment. Yes, things happen that weren't foreseen, things change, etc., and sometimes splitting up is the best thing to do. But no-one should be going into marriage with the expectation of it not lasting. What's the point of that?

50% of marriages end in divorce, it's not that those folk didn't intend to be together for the rest of thier lives.