Is it a lost cause ?

paulineb_2

MDaws wrote: »

I did raise the option of her leaving for a while during one of our 'discussions' .... she was less than receptive to that idea. I suggested going to RELATE earlier this week, but she was reluctant ..... possibly something to raise again over the weekend.

I think possibly you need to consider anger management and why you have these mood swings and say things that hurt people you love.

Mojisola

paulineb wrote: »

why the wife has asked him to leave rather than going herself and having kids under 18 I would imagine she might not want to uproot the kids and possibly disturb schooling.

She could move out for a spell without the children - that's what she's asking their father to do.

paulineb_2

Mojisola wrote: »

She could move out for a spell without the children - that's what she's asking their father to do.

She could, but her view may be given that shes been on the receiving end of his mood swings over the years, that he should be the one to leave, to be honest if that was her view, I could understand it.

stir_crazy

paulineb wrote: »

I think possibly you need to consider anger management and why you have these mood swings and say things that hurt people you love.

He did say in the OP that he is looking into addressing these issues, albeit belatedly.

Mojisola

MDaws wrote: »

We have discussed this in the past, and we feel we have both been guilty of putting so much time and effort into our kids, that we have neglected each other and our relationship, to the point where we have both said that we worry that there will be nothing left between us when the kids fly the nest. Despite this, we have both failed to really try to improve things in this area.

It's not all from one side - would it be possible for your wife to have a week away somewhere as a holiday followed by you going away for a week? It would give both of you a breathing space and a chance to see what you would be giving up if a permanent split happens.

You could ask your kids to be completely honest with the two of you - they may be able to identify trigger points that set things off and the two of you could modify your behaviour. Outside counselling may also help.

paulineb_2

I understand its not one sided and I did read the part where he said that they have both neglected one another, but hes been very clear about these moods swings, without elaborating on this very much, said that he made a "flippant" comment over christmas that ended up with 5 days of silence.

Says he cant seem to stop saying hurtful things to his wife. If I were in that situation and I appreciate Im not, I dont think Id want to be used as someones emotional punchbag over the years, then ask for a divorce to be told no and then have the person refuse to leave.

It sounds very much like this relationship has been emotionally abusive and I do think he should be the one to go. Even if its in the short term.

Digging his heels in and saying no wont do him any favours in the long run if theres any hope of saving the marriage.

Arlandria606

I just wanted to say that I think it's an awful idea to actively involve your children in these discussions. It sounds almost like you asked them to suggest solutions, and - despite the oldest being at uni - they're too young for that kind of responsibility, especially when they're so involved in the situation. Many children blame themselves when their parents split up, and in your case, you've actually given them cause to do so.

The bottom line is that so long as you make an appropriate decision and handle it with respect and maturity, your children will cope with it - it's far more important that you deal with the situation appropriately than you stay with your wife "for their sake".

Work out with your wife what you want to do and how you want to handle it. Then bring in the children, tell them what's going to happen, let them ask questions, and tell them they can always talk to either of you about it if they need to. Don't make them contributors to the decision-making process.

robin_banks

paulineb wrote: »

I understand its not one sided and I did read the part where he said that they have both neglected one another, but hes been very clear about these moods swings, without elaborating on this very much, said that he made a "flippant" comment over christmas that ended up with 5 days of silence.

Says he cant seem to stop saying hurtful things to his wife. If I were in that situation and I appreciate Im not, I dont think Id want to be used as someones emotional punchbag over the years, then ask for a divorce to be told no and then have the person refuse to leave.

It sounds very much like this relationship has been emotionally abusive and I do think he should be the one to go. Even if its in the short term.

Digging his heels in and saying no wont do him any favours in the long run if theres any hope of saving the marriage.

How flippant is flippant?

paulineb_2

robin_banks wrote: »

How flippant is flippant?

Ive no idea, he hasnt elaborated. But my impression is from the opening post that hes very much downplaying the hurtful behaviour.

A bit more detail would be useful.

Scorpio33

I would approach the relate thing again.


Relate is not about making the relationship better or solving any problems.

Relate is about improving communication so you can both come to a decision wisely.

You both clearly do not talk honestly enough to each other and this needs to change.

Make it clear to her that relate is purely to help you communicate with each other easier. If she doesn't want to give it a go, then her mind is made up and the relationship has ended.

In my opinion, the person ending the relationship should move out - which would be her. Perhaps this is why she is reluctant to say anything as she wants you to move out so she can keep the house?