2014: a selfish year

lulabelle

Thanks bufster. How's your essay going?

Tbh I'm now at the stage of being pretty angry at him and thinking how disappointed I am that I thought he was a nice genuine person who cared when clearly he couldn't care less!!!

I'm a mug

lulabelle

So, not that I mean to be on a downer but what a crap weekend. There was a local festival on. I've ben each year since it started. The first three years were fab. Really didn't enjoy last year and so decided would not go this year.

However, friend of mine split up with her boyfriend of 10 years and he was going with his new girlfriend so my friend didn't want to go alone and put a lot of pressure on me to go

Almost £500 later and I'm bsck having had a crap weekend and friend didn't even thank me for coming

Got upset over boyfriend quite a lot too. Needless to say he's not been in touch

It's clear that for whatever reason he doesn't want me and I have to move on but it's hard

Baldybear

Morning, sorry to hear you have had a crap weekend Only hoping things start to improve soon. Shame about the ex but again hope there is better out there somewhere

lulabelle

Thanks BB - appreciate your comment

Am still struggling but today made a list of a few things to do round house before sitting down to at least try to get me taking care of myself so got home and put sheets in drier, hung up another load of washing and put some towels on, then cleaned bathroom, swept stairs, hoovered lounge and emptied dishwasher so feel at least I've achieved something now

Have done another brief list for tomorrow night - just small things that don't take more than about 30-40 minutes but have let things slip in the last 3 weeks due to being so heartbroken

Have trainer at 615am so going to force self to get up for that as reckon that will make me feel much better

lulabelle

Sadly I didn't make training this morning - £30 down the drain but just not sleeping properly

Must get back into it next week

Came downstairs this morning and cat had pooed on kitchen work top - nice

lulabelle

Today been rubbish - eaten like a pig and could not motivate self at work and ended up coming home early. One bonus is kitchen is clean

Going for a drink tomorrow night with the guy who broke my heart last summer to make myself feel better over boyfriend. How ironic. Perhaps stupid

lulabelle

God, I really am not sure how the hell to get over the boyfriend. Miss him terribly

Think I need to give up booze though as think the come down is pretty awful

Buffythedebtslayer

Hey Lula XXXX


Have been away writing and not really back properly till tonight. Have upset various friends recently so feeling a bit worn out by it all!


I was chatting to another friend a couple of weeks ago and we talked about lists.


I do like a list, they can get you through the dark times.


Re trainer, do you think with everything else this might be a bit too much pressure?


And this is a bit left field but have you considered a simpler life? I was pondering this. been gardening and sleeping and it has been lovely no pressure.. won't pay the bills but more of it would be welcome!


XX

lulabelle

Thanks Bufster.

So, I'm debating starting a new diary and the reason is this:

I started off this year all positive and focusing on me. I then allowed myself to be de-railed by a boy. This should never have happened.

Since then I've been in a depressive downward spiral, to the point yesterday where I really seriously considered ending my life. It's not just about the boy at the moment - I have a lot of stress at work and various other things going on, particularly with my health which are adding a lot of strain. I'm also not sleeping at all so of course everything is more difficult when tired.

Thankfully I have fantastic friends (mainly) who are pulling me out of this and deep down I'm a strong person who has been through worse and who can, if I take the right steps and help myself, cope.

So, I think I'll come back later tonight and start a new diary. I need to think of an inspiring title.

lulabelle

So, this is final post to this thread - didn't want to put it on my shiny new diary but needed to vent.

So, the boyfriend, having told me that he was struggling with the divorce, didn't know what he wanted, felt things were going too fast and us having decided to discuss things further was back on tinder (dating app) last night.

This is despite the fact that we hadn't spoken to finalise matters, still had a holiday booked and he still had loads of stuff of mine including keys to my house.

I went NUTS.

I rang him and at first he wouldn't pick up the phone. Eventually he did and he was HORRIBLE.

He basically said "I didn't need space, this ended", made out he didn't find me attractive and that things had not been going well. He referred specifically to what he called 2 "rows" which upset him. These were minor cross words which were resolved within 5 minutes! I told him if he thought that was a row good luck to him.

I told him I had been thinking about matters anyway and that he wasn't a strong enough person for me. He said "lulabelle, you have not got a strong personality"!!!! Anyone who knows me would say that was laughable. I am one of the most outgoing, fun, sociable people going. I am one of the bosses at work and have got to a very high level in my career which is a career in a mans world. All through sheer grit, determination and hard work, despite the various bits of adversity which have been thrown at me from time to time.

I told him he had said he "wasn't ready for a relationship" and "couldn't cope" so why the heck was he back on tinder - to suck some other poor sap in?!!! He said he was "lonely" and "maybe wanted someone to talk to".

So basically, he's going to be meeting some other girl or girls, introducing them to his son, weaving them into his family like he did with me, then when he gets cold feet, will yank yet another woman out of his son's life.

He then harped on about how he has problems and I don't have any problems or know what problems are. Yes he has a mental ex wife and yes, she's run up a load of debt but he works in a very easy 9-5 job with good pay, goes home to play with his son and feed him the food his mother has cooked (he now lives with his parents) then gets to do what he wants after 7pm whilst they watch his kid. Hardly difficult.

he painted himself as such a victim when we spoke a few weeks ago and saying he was exhausted and depressed and didn't know what to do etc. What a f*cking cowardly t*at.

If he didn't want to be with me (which I don't understand as less than 2 weeks before he was saying how I was "all round great" and he was "happier than I've ever been" and "I'm so excited about the future" and "I'm so glad I met you") then fine - yes, that's upsetting as rejection always is but jesus Christ, you can't force someone to want to be with you. But flaming hell - have the balls to be honest and don't leave someone dangling.

One thing I can say is that I can look myself in the eye in the mirror and think I put my all into this and was lovely to him, his family and his son. Yes I've been hurt but at least I had the courage to love with all I had. He, however, should, when he looks in the mirror think he has behaved very badly indeed and he should, quite frankly, be ashamed of himself.

I also feel sorry for the kid. That kid has a mental mother and a spineless weak father. As one of my best friends who is a consultant clinical psychologist said "unfortunately that kid is a candidate for serious mental health problems in the future".

I really feel I had to post the last chapter in this sorry story. I wish I'd never met the t*at. My old boss told me to run after the first date when I gave him the background to it all - wish I'd taken that advice.

However, I have to learn from this experience and move on. I now know what I don't want and what I am prepared to put up with and compromise on.

Good luck to him finding someone willing to put up with his situation and the way he treats people. I think he will have a nasty shock when he gets out on to the dating scene and realises that actually, there are very few women out there willing to take on his baggage.