2014: a selfish year

lulabelle

Thanks Hun. As planned I sent him a message this morning just saying that I thought he needed proper time and space to think about what was really important to him and that with the FDR and divorce coming up it was going to be a difficult few weeks. I said I also had a busy and stressful 2 weeks coming up at work and I couldn't have any upset as I had to focus. I said I also needed time and space to think about what I wanted as this had shocked me and made me question lots of things. I suggested we speak when the next few weeks are over.

Tbh, this is more about self preservation for me. Whilst I'm pretty convinced it's over I really can't face that as a reality when I know I have to focus the next couple of weeks (I'll be in the office for 14-16 hour days). However, a small part of me thinks that there is a possibility that once this next bit of the divorce is out of the way he might see things more clearly and positively as part of the pressure will have gone

But it also means that I get some time to come to terms with things and figure out if he and the baggage are worth it

He responded saying he thought that was a very good suggestion and he was really sorry for upsetting me as he really hadn't wanted to do that to a lovely and kind person

lulabelle

I'm sorry to harp on but I'm still really struggling and literally haven't left the house or eaten all weekend

I just keep thinking about what he will be up to right now and how normally I'm part of it and it leaves me with an empty black hole

Just feel I've had an awful last 5 years, to be fair, only on the man front and am terrified I will die a spinster

Buffythedebtslayer

lulabelle wrote: »

I'm sorry to harp on but I'm still really struggling and literally haven't left the house or eaten all weekend

I just keep thinking about what he will be up to right now and how normally I'm part of it and it leaves me with an empty black hole

Just feel I've had an awful last 5 years, to be fair, only on the man front and am terrified I will die a spinster

You are not harping on about it.


NOT AT ALL.


This is all normal, heartbreak, loss it is all a big horrible shock to the system. The empty black hole feeling is absolutely that, the loss. He made a hole.


It is almost unbearable, almost being the key word. but like most of us you have been here before and how ever bad it is it will change, you will be ok again. Time passes and you heal. This is the !!!! bit that hurts.


you can do this Lula. I promise you can.


And if you don't want to be alone then you won't be.


Big hugs XXXXXXX

lulabelle

So, I managed to focus well at work this morning, not so much mid afternoon and better again late afternoon/early evening. I asked work to ignore my resignation (which I did after he dumped me on Thursday as I just wanted to run away from the pain and from the thought of having to bump into him - I live in a v small place) which they've agreed to do

Told some friends I hadn't felt close to recently about it and glad I did as they have rallied round

Didn't stay as late as I should at work although still did an 11 hour day but hoping that I can focus better tomorrow

Some friends think I should walk away entirely, others think he's just overwhelmed with everything which is going on right now

Still don't know what the outcome likely to be or even what I want it to be - 1 part of me feels sort of relieved and perhaps excited about the prospect of meeting someone without baggage and where I come first, the other thunks I really like this guy and was happy so am willing to put up with the baggage

Baldybear

Hello

Have just read your diary and am now subscribed. Am in a similar situation to you so can sympathise. My background few long term relationships, I ended 2, one broke up with me and broke my heart, moved on, had new partner broke up with him last feb. Still living in same house (shared mortgage) with ex but at the moment this seems to be ok, good friends sharing house, no hard feelings. Started going out with new OH in June (been friends for 10 years) and this was great at first but now not sure if it is right. Not desperate to be with him all the time, he lives in another county so only see each other at weekends, but to be honest quite happy on my own at weekends. Like doing stuff with him but just as friends really. Also cant sleep in same room as snoring problems which is a major issue, other one is that I dont want to move, and he doesnt either due to jobs so dont think there is ever a long term situation there. Just dont know what to do.

I am 36, looking at being single again, would quite like children and just want that special man to fit in with my life, so yes I guess I am kind of selfish there and probably unrealistic expectations, but I think with the right person I would move, change things if it was right. I just dont know. I dont want to hurt my current OH but cant see it going long term, I am just procastinating really

Sorry didnt mean to have a whinge....am sure there is the right thing out there for all of us, just trying to keep up that hope.

You are doing brilliantly with your job, friends, running etc and will be cheering you on

Buffythedebtslayer

I am a couple of years older than you guys and I STRONGLY suggest you don't waste time on people who aren't on the same page as you. Especially if you want children, sorry, I fully appreciate it is none of my business. But I sort of wanted kids and stayed with a guy for years on and off and honestly didn't consider that I would run out of time or really even want children. Now I think I was right not to have them as I like some aspects of my life - the freedom and choice I have recently found.


I know it is easy to say but I think we are all fairly comfortable on our own - I know I was any way and that is a danger. I never "had to" have a boyfriend when I was younger and that means I have grown in to a very stubborn single minded person who was happy alone. Less so now. I would love to have someone to come home to and make plans with.


I think it is all about being brave and I wasn't. Don't make my mistake.


Oooofff. That was a bit deep! really hope neither of you mind. Sorry if I am out of line XXX

lulabelle

Hey BB and Bufster

Thanks for the comments and the subscription.

BB, think you should read "be honest, you're just not that into him either" as it sounds to me like he's a "meanwhile" guy. As Picasso said, "never take a part time job as it becomes your full time life". I think you need to find someone you're really into.

Bufster, thanks for your comments, I'm different to BB in that I am really into this guy and really like spending time with him but at the moment, you're right, he's not on the same page as me and I need to move on as much as that hurts

Still feels really bleak without him and I loved being part of his family so miss them too. This time 2 weeks ago we were going out for dinner and now were broken up (although he was really weird and off and didn't want to stop and chat when I bumped into him that lunchtime and I just knew something was wrong)

It's been an ok day today. Pretty much threw myself into work although I did have moments when my mind drifted. Left office at 7 having been in early and worked through lunch having sent email to see if any of my friends fancied a pint but they were all still working. Even though I love my house and was quite happy to come back to it before I met him, it somehow feels bleak and not very welcoming since we broke up

Buffythedebtslayer

Annoyingly it will all feel a bit crap for a while. As I am sure you know XX all very tiresome.


so can you make any plans re the future?


Can you write your book


XXX

lulabelle

It's quite hard to make plans at the minute as I just can't decide whether to stay or go and start a new adventure elsewhere. I suppose I could write a book - would be good at a dating one I reckon!

He hadn't ever said I love you either, apart from on our second date when he was drunk and he said it once then apologised then said it again when he thought I was asleep

Wondering if he was "projecting" his wishes and dreams (I.e. What he'd lost in his wife who went bonkers 2.5 years ago) onto me

Buffythedebtslayer

lulabelle wrote: »

It's quite hard to make plans at the minute as I just can't decide whether to stay or go and start a new adventure elsewhere. I suppose I could write a book - would be good at a dating one I reckon!

He hadn't ever said I love you either, apart from on our second date when he was drunk and he said it once then apologised then said it again when he thought I was asleep

Wondering if he was "projecting" his wishes and dreams (I.e. What he'd lost in his wife who went bonkers 2.5 years ago) onto me

My advice, which frankly I should be taking myself! is make lots of plans. have a plan A - say stay in job, carry on as you are, then make a plan B Plan C and so on. set up opportunities for these. You don't have to do any of them or in fact anything. However it might help to occupy your mind and remind you that there are possibilities, things to do. Experiences to have.


For example - it is daft but I ordered a money box (in the shape of a tube of lovehearts but lets not condemn me for bad taste!) yesterday. Total waste of a fiver admittedly but it is for Paris - it is one of my plans, probably be October before I can afford it. and maybe I won't go. But it is one of my ideas.


just hang on, one day, half a day, an hour, a minute at a time.


You will be ok. hugs XX


ps. Write the book!