2014: a selfish year

lulabelle

Trained this morning - yay! Was tough after being out with GBM last night, we only had 2 drinks (with food) but felt pretty rotten when I got up. So tempting to pull a sickie today as really can't face work but it would not go down well

lulabelle

Trained yesterday morning at 615 then a bit of an unproductive day at work which is not good as have a lot to do. Went out with the Boyf last night - a lot of fun but feeling rough today!!! Seeing him, the little one and his parents later then he's out tonight so am looking forward to a quiet night in slapping on the fake tan!!!

lulabelle

Things are awful and I don't know what to do. Everything had been going so well with the boyfriend, we were seeing each other 3-4 times a week and I was spending a lot of time with his son and his family. We had booked a holiday for November and were talking about moving in together when the divorce was sorted. I then went away for my brothers wedding and a couple of days before I went he was being a bit strange and just not really the same as he was before. I have very strong instincts and guessed something was wrong and asked if he wanted to still be with me and he assured me he did, he was just not himself as he was under a lot of pressure as the divorce is coming to a head. Anyway, the minute I got back he was straight round and said that he doesn't know how he feels, he felt things were going too fast, he felt like he didn't want to see me and he didn't want to see anyone, he just wanted to stay at home with his son and his parents, that he feels a lot of guilt over the divorce, that he doesn't know what he wants for the future and felt that he may hurt me down the line. I'm a wreck. He wanted to talk some more as he had to go back to work but I refused and said I'd make his decision for him and we were over. I then backtracked later on messages but he seemed to not want to talk. I spoke to his mum and she said she thought it was just timing and that he can't think about the future because he has to sort out the mess he's in first and he needs to focus on his son. She said they were very sad as they were very fond of me and could I just try to give him a bit of time. I messages him after that to say why didn't he take some time to think and then we'd talk and he said that he'd think over the weekend. Thing is, because he's got the financial aspect of the divorce coming up on 7 July and the divorce itself will go through on 14th I just don't think there's much point talking until that is out of the way as he almost needs the space and time to get through that. I also have a really difficult 2 weeks at work coming up and I can't face it if he says that's definitely it which, I think if he makes a decision now because of the pressure he will say it's off. I'm thinking of sending a message to him tomorrow (I've not messages him since 5pm Thursday) saying that were both under a load of stress in the next few weeks but I'd really like to spend some proper time with him after that to talk - what do you think?

Thing is: my worry is that if he can seek to get rid of me that easily then he's really not into me enough. Only 2 weeks ago he was saying how he's never been happier and how glad he is he'd met me and also how excited he was about the future

I am a wreck and just now wish I'd stuck to my original plan of not having anything to do with men at all. I really thought this might be it

DreamerHelen

I'm so sorry to hear that things are difficult for you....I'm not sure what to say but I didn't want to read and run....


It might be worth just sending him that message to say that you are both going to have a difficult few weeks and that you will contact him after that to talk....and then leave him be because if you keep messaging him he might feel like he is under pressure from you as well as the other pressures in his Life....


I know how hard it is to have a break-up....or to have difficulties in a relationship....and I know that you probably can't think of anything else right now....But just take some time for yourself if you can.....do something simple that you really enjoy - Whether it be reading a book or listening to some music....and try to focus on what you have to do over the next few weeks....


Give yourself a set date when you will contact him again and don't contact him until that date....


I wish there were more I could say to you.....It WILL be hard, you know this.....but you WILL get through it, regardless of what happens....


*Big Hugs* to you....

lulabelle

Thanks dreamerhelen - really appreciate your kind words. I've just been reading a load of articles online about divorced men and relationships and my real worry is that he is clearly not emotionally available at the moment. Also, because the custody battle will not be resolved until the end of the year (and obviously that's what he's quite rightly most concerned about) there's just no way he is going to be emotionally available for some time - maybe even a further year. As much as I love him (because I really do) I do not think I can allow myself to continue because he will drag me down with him. I am 36 in September and want a family. I'm not going to get that from him because he's just not able (and he said this) to give me the commitment I want or deserve.

I also feel quite upset about the fact that despite all he has said I'm just not a priority in his life. He is a really good guy and I know he's not a !!!!!!! and that he doesn't want to hurt me and would never have started this if he didn't think he was over it but I do deserve more than this. I know that he would love to give it if he could but he's just emotionally unavailable now and the only thing he has the desire to put any effort into is his son

-taff

People don't have a finite amount of emotions.They have enough of every one to give to lots of people.
If he told you you're not a priority that's exactly what he means.
He may be doing he grieving thing because he's divorcing and that's all it is, he may not, it's entirely up to you whether you wait for him or not.

lulabelle

So, having thought about all of this all day and reading copious articles on the baggage reclaim website (amazing site) I think I've decided I need to walk away. I don't have any sort of priority in his life and that's just not good enough for me. He's a great guy and I fancy the pants off him but there's just no way it can work right now and I don't want to be the one who is putting their entire life and feelings on hold in the hope there will be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow when the likelihood is ill just be helping him get through his grief and he will then meet someone else when he's "repaired"

Buffythedebtslayer

Please stick to your guns Lula x


Some of what you have said rings some bells with me too. My ex said to me he had never been happier, life wasn't worth living if he couldn't be with me and he couldn't believe everything with us was so good.


We really were so very happy.


Two weeks after some of those things were said he finished with me.


He too had children and in his case a difficult ex. He just suddenly got scared or something. In any case I wasn't enough.


This all happened a little over a year ago.


Let me be a lesson Lula, I loved this man, I thought he was the one and we had such a brilliant summer planned. I was blissfully happy. Quit my crappy job(which I was doing anyhow but it had all dovetailed so well), plans to rent a place.


I have spent the last year in a mess, dating not dating, utterly miserable put on weight, screwed up at work, definitely screwed my studies. I can't quite believe the effect it had on me.


I know, from the bottom of my heart I know how hard it is to bear the disappointment but please try not to waste any more time on him. let him go if you can. you need peace of mind and kindness not all this crap with the messaging and not messaging.


Please put yourself first. focus on you.


big hugs XXX

lulabelle

It's just so hard as everything with him was so so easy - we seemed to slot into one another's lives perfectly and loved spending time together. His family thought I was wonderful and invited me to pretty much every family function/Sunday lunch and it's really hard to go from that to zero in the space of less than 2 weeks

Buffythedebtslayer

lulabelle wrote: »

It's just so hard as everything with him was so so easy - we seemed to slot into one another's lives perfectly and loved spending time together. His family thought I was wonderful and invited me to pretty much every family function/Sunday lunch and it's really hard to go from that to zero in the space of less than 2 weeks

Yes, exactly the problem I had. I just could not understand what the problem was. And it is a horrible awful feeling.


It does pass eventually. It won't yet hon I know. Just hang on.


Big love to you Lula XXXXX