Oh come on! Stake through the heart. A little sunlight. It's like falling off a log"

Buffythedebtslayer

WOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo


Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo


I am on holiday. After the worst week in my new job so far. Which still is no where near as bad as a regular week in my old job!


Adjusting to Mum being back is proving very tough. I have realised that since having the guinea pigs (nearly five years! ) my bedroom hasn't really been my room. It is a place I sleep or work. but nothing else. It is always a mess and now getting worse. Mostly I have realised I live in my car, that is where I play my music, I phone my friends! I love being in the car.


it is also hard as this time last year I was with my ex and so irritatingly happy! Looking forward to the future. And I remember that feeling.


Mum asked what I did when she was away. I thought longingly of the animals in the garden, walking the dogs, taking a bath shopping once a week, no take away food. sleeping. rarely watching tv. No weeing in the kitchen (the dogs not me!) the heating not on.


Mum did ALL the ironing today. great you think? Well it is. But now she is so tired and grumpy and I am on egg shells. she is fighting sleep and wants to go to bed and currently has the hump that I won't go to bed too!!!!!!!. I am not even that angry to be honest. just resigned. Which is not good.


I am fully aware of how ridiculous my situation is. I need to move out. However if I do that I suspect I am leaving mum with no money. In fact who am I kidding. I stay here because I know she needs the money. It is a nightmare. And before any one says that is her problem- I am afraid I am not brought up that way. She is my family. End of.


I met a guy today - just literally a 5 min chat about dogs - I was dog walking at the time. And my mind wandered as it often does.


What if I bumped into him again? and things progressed - apparently that happens! and I day dreamed for a bit as you do, dog walking, meeting up, dating and then it got to the bit about how I live. Hmmmm. Well.


That's just embarrassing. You can BS me all like about how the right guy won't mind or whatever - lets cut to the chase here people I more than likely won't date a guy if he lives with his folks. Yep I know! Although to be honest in my current state I don't expect to date. It is sad, I do need to move on,


However. Money is very tight and I only have a job for 3 months!!!


SO some how I need to make this work. I am lucky to still have friends and can have a social life if I make the effort. I absolutely must as a priority from Monday make my room into the haven I need for my mental health.


Also I have a nationwide account that I originally opened last year as a move in with the ex account - clearly that didn't work out! it has 185 in there at the moment so I shall start to fill that up as my moving out account.


I don't know how it is going to happen but it MUST happen.


I have to remember that although on the outside it doesn't look like much has changed a lot has been done.


I walked away from a damaging relationship
I paid off my big scary debt
I passed my driving test
I dated (hilarious)
I had a fantastic relationship, it ended badly but I have pulled it together to feel better. I am 80% over it.
I left my horrid job
I took the plunge to work in new place and it is going ok.




I recently watched a episode of Grey's Anatomy. Christina Yang is a character in the programme. She is all about ambition and her best friend fell in love, married, had kids. And Christina says to her that although it looks like nothing has changed because she doesn't have a house or husband or kids an awful lot has, it is just all on the inside. That is how I feel.


XXXXXX

Buffythedebtslayer

So money wise I owe 4278


Next pay day I will pay off 278 and the rest of the disaster that is my Tesco spends card.


After that I have May, June and July left being paid.


I have 400 pounds saved up and hope to have 800 saved up by then.


This holiday is all about writing my cv, sorting my room and registering with some agencies to sort the next phase of my life out.


XXX

please-let-me-be-lucky

Happy holidays Buffles!! Enjoy ringing in the changes Xx

Sun_Addict

Enjoy your time off work Buffy. Hope you achieve all you want to do.

Buffythedebtslayer

Morning


well I woke up early and checked the fish, that was nice.


Now I need to shower and get a move on.


Have to pay for parking on Saturdays that bugs me. Still needs must.


so list is


1. get dressed
2. clear the fridge out and make a list.
3. Sainsbugs
4. present and card. must remember the cash!!
5. unpack shopping
6. clean out fish
7. start on the garden. I want to clear it up and do some planting of stuff.
8. when suitably knackered come in and sort out two boxes of work.......


XXX




Must buy compost in sainsburys.

skintygerlinky

Buff-alo Soldier xxxxxxxxxx

Easter hols were always my fave. Never took October half term as too too too too busy, ended up working 14 hour days through that. Xmas hols - insanely busy work wise, plus 'real life' kicked in as it does at Xmas which although lovely was knackering. Feb half-term - forget it, worked harder than ever. Always ate really badly and seemed to fight with everyone in 'real life' in Feb half-term.

But Easter....Ohhh so much better.

Spring is practically here. Winter coats start gingerly to be put away. The odd vest top peeks out (only with chunky cardi of course).

But a little bit more energy rears it's head....

Buffster as you know we are in similar situs re: our living arrangements and i know oh how I know what you're saying re: moving out (yay!) and staying with parent(s). But to hear you say 'this must happen' is good to hear.

Happy hols lovely - you're sounding in better shape. Love your list of things to be proud of xxxxxxxxxxx

Buffythedebtslayer

Hello Slinky XXX

I was feeling pretty good but seem to be on a low today. I haven't been reading/doing much on here lately - wonder if that is why. Been an ok weekend, little party thing for Mum. was good. but she gets really tired. She has been unwell today which frightened me.

Do feel slightly like I am at the bottom of a well. It's ok, I can see the light, but it is a long way up. Literally sat on my bed this morning and decided my life was a failure. have been trying to pull myself out of the hole all day.


Things I am glad about


1. that people on here post massive long posts offering advice to people who are !!!!! and won't change their minds but it is so good kindness exists.


2. I walked the dogs. having an hour's walk with them even tho it was cold was very very head clearing and freeing.


3. I baked a good birthday cake and fairy cakes.


4. Modern Family is funny.


5. Mum seems better, she never says tho. Makes it all a bit stressy.


I MUST remember that this show isn't over till it's over. I may have messed up but there is still time.






I really need to clean out the guinea pigs. And make dinner.


ooo Game of Thrones is on in an hour. That's good.


XXX

please-let-me-be-lucky

You haven't messed up, you've made it through some tricky learning curves and survived :T

I prescribe doing nothing but watching Game of Thrones and eating all the leftover cakes for the rest of the evening. Xx

mothernerd

I second lucky

Buffythedebtslayer

Morning


Feeling brighter today. Game of Thrones was fantastic and sleep is helpful. Thanks PLMBL and Mothernerd


I have earache/sore throat, it has been coming every couple of weeks or so I think. Keep drinking the Beechams! Seems to work.


So tonight I am out with my good friend and today I have to go buy bedding for the piggies. got all ready to clean them out last night and realised I had ran out. It is the only thing I don't get sent to me by Amazon.......Big ooops.


Room is still a mess but the rest of the house is pretty good really. a definite improvement on this time in previous years.


There is a bloke on TV talking about numbers and he is so annoying! Book does sound interesting tho.


ok, have a good day folks XXXX