Would you tell a child that NRP does not pay for them?

FBaby

However in this case, I don't think it is necessary for the girl to know her father does not pay anything because that is between the mother and father and the only thing that will happen from the girl knowing is that it may cause her to have resentment against her father. The fact that I think this is a bad thing is for HER sake, not his.

For one, this is not a given. As I've said, my children don't resent their father for him not contributing. It's all about how it is said. I have never said their father was a bad person for not paying, I just explained that I have to pay for everything and therefore be extra careful because their father doesn't contribute.

Even if they were to resent him, would that be such a bad thing? Don't all kids resent their parents at some time in their lives? If it happens, what would matter is that she feels she can open up and discuss it with her dad. He could then explain it from his perspective.

But again, if after that she still resents him, then he has failed her as a parent, and that can't in any way be the fault of the mother for having let out the truth.

seven-day-weekend

Person_one wrote: »

This seems somewhat at odds with your aggressively pro-honesty in other threads though SDW.

She doesn't need to be lied to. Just tell her that there is no spare money, it all goes on housekeeping. She need not be told where it comes from.

I suppose if she asks outright 'does Dad pay any money?' then she will have to be told no, but UNLESS she asks that I would not tell her - for her sake, not his.

seven-day-weekend

venetianlagoon wrote: »

Would you lie in response to the question though or try to avoid giving a straight answer?

I wouldn't, I think it would be very unwise.

If she said 'does Dad pay antything?' then I would have to tell her the truth. However, if she had asked for a clothing allownace, I would just tell her there was no spare money, it all went on bills.

I would not lie in answer to a direct question.

poet123

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

She doesn't need to be lied to. Just tell her that there is no spare money, it all goes on housekeeping. She need not be told where it comes from.

I suppose if she asks outright 'does Dad pay any money?' then she will have to be told no, but UNLESS she asks that I would not tello her - for her sake, not his.

That is what has happened as I understand it.

I agree unless she asked I wouldn't have volunteered the info (unless pushed;)) but I couldn't, and wouldn't, lie to any child of mine about this type of thing.

Errata

What's wrong with "I would dearly love to give you a clothes allowance but my money is stretched to breaking point and your dad doesn't make any financial contribution to your upbringing".
Straightforward, honest and just one of many hard facts of life children have to learn as they grow up.

seven-day-weekend

poet123 wrote: »

That is what has happened as I understand it.

I agree unless she asked I wouldn't have volunteered the info (unless pushed;)) but I couldn't, and wouldn't, lie to any child of mine about this type of thing.

This is what I think exactly. I didn't realise she HAD asked the direct question.

In that case I would tell her there is no allowance because Dad does not have much money of his own.

I would not lie to my child about anything, but sometimes they do not need to know all the gory details.

Person_one

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

She doesn't need to be lied to. Just tell her that there is no spare money, it all goes on housekeeping. She need not be told where it comes from.

I suppose if she asks outright 'does Dad pay any money?' then she will have to be told no, but UNLESS she asks that I would not tell her - for her sake, not his.

She's assuming there is maintenance being paid. To refuse to tell her the truth and deliberately let her keep believing something false is a lie by omission.

FBaby

In that case I would tell her there is no allowance because Dad does not have much money of his own.

But that could be speculating as OP's friends doesn't know how much money he has or doesn't have. So why not leave it to what she knows which is 'dad doesn't pay any maintenance' why? 'I am not sure but maybe you can ask dad directly on Wednesday'.

poet123

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

This is what I think exactly. I didn't realise she HAD asked the direct question.

In that case I would tell her there is no allowance because Dad does not have much money of his own.

I would not lie to my child about anything, but sometimes they do not need to know all the gory details.

I also think it is age dependent, if a 16 year old asked I would be more open than if an 11 year old asked.

However, I would feel aggrieved that I had to be sparing with the facts because of "choices" made by the father, choices are different to circumstances imo. He may have little money, but that tends to happen when you voluntarily give up a 40k job;) because you put one set of children before another set.

Very different if he had lost his job, been ill etc.

supersaver2

As has often been said on threads that involve parents that have separated, choose wisely who you pick to have children with. Controversial I know!