Would you tell a child that NRP does not pay for them?

FBaby

My children from the age of 10 would never have just accepted a quick response to such a question. They would inevitably have been asking more questions, wanting to understand better. Maybe that's why they don't resent their dad because it wasn't just a question of saying 'dad doesn't pay maintenance, he's a bad person', or 'because he doesn't have any money'. We have daily discussions about matters of the world, education, finance, sport, politics, economy, friendships, everything I discuss with my friends my age (well almost!), just at an appropriate level of their maturity.

FBaby

supersaver2 wrote: »

As has often been said on threads that involve parents that have separated, choose wisely who you pick to have children with. Controversial I know!

Yes, it's too bad people change though, this particular dad seemed to have been appropriately responsible until he met his new partner.

seven-day-weekend

I would not volunteer the information, I would try not to say anything at all about her dad's((lack of) contribution because I happen to think her relationship with her dad is more important.

However, I would not lie if she asked the direct question.

As an example, when my son was seven he had to have his appendix out. We told him he would go to sleep and when he woke up he would be in a different bed and his appendix would be out. When he asked if it was hurt, we said the operation would not hurt because he would be asleep, but it would hurt afterwards, but it was part of getting better and the Drs and Nurses would be there to make sure that it did not hurt too much. He was happy with this explanation.

We did not consider it necessary to tell him that he only had the operation because his appendix was inflamed and would burst an d he might die. He did not need to know that.

We did not lie to him in any way at all, just did not tell him all the gory details.

In the same ilk I don't think the girl needs telling about where the household income comes from unless she asks.

That's how it seems to me.

supersaver2

FBaby wrote: »

Yes, it's too bad people change though, this particular dad seemed to have been appropriately responsible until he met his new partner.

And as a usual response back that I've seen many times on here, he/she can't be that bad, you chose to have 2 children with him/her!

dandelionclock30

I would just tell then children the truth your Dad doesnt pay any money for your upbringing.
He sounds like a right charmer having kids with 2 different women and not contributing a penny to either household. I agree with person one, he and his new partner should be contributing to first lot of kids. Thats probably why hes a househusband now, so he doesnt have to pay anything out.

seven-day-weekend

poet123 wrote: »

I also think it is age dependent, if a 16 year old asked I would be more open than if an 11 year old asked.

However, I would feel aggrieved that I had to be sparing with the facts because of "choices" made by the father, choices are different to circumstances imo. He may have little money, but that tends to happen when you voluntarily give up a 40k job;) because you put one set of children before another set.

Very different if he had lost his job, been ill etc.

I agree with you but don't see why an eleven-year-old should also feel aggrieved by it. She doesn't have to know.

poet123

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I would not volunteer the information, I would try not to say anything at all about her dad's((lack of) contribution because I happen to think her relationship with her dad is more important.

However, I would not lie if she asked the direct question.

As an example, when my son was seven he had to have his appendix out. We told him he would go to sleep and when he woke up he would be in a different bed and his appendix would be out. When he asked if it was hurt, we said the operation would not hurt because he would be asleep, but it would hurt afterwards, but it was part of getting better and the Drs and Nurses would be there to make sure that it did not hurt too much. He was happy with this explanation.

We did not consider it necessary to tell him that if he did not have the operation his appendix would burst and he might die. He did not need to know that.

We did not lie to him in any way at all, just did not tell him all the gory details.

In the same ilk I don't think the girl needs telling about where the household income comes from unless she asks.

That's how it seems to me.

And that is exactly what I would have done under those circumstances, but I think this is a different kettle of fish as they say. There could be repercussions from what is said or unsaid here, not the same as with reassurance before an op.

Again, age would play a factor for me, 11 is probably too young to be burdened with such stuff, so I may just change the subject. If pushed though I would be honest.

Person_one

supersaver2 wrote: »

As has often been said on threads that involve parents that have separated, choose wisely who you pick to have children with. Controversial I know!

Maybe just maybe, we should try to make it less socially acceptable for men to abdicate responsibility for their children rather than blaming the mothers who are actually providing and doing all the work!

Women who leave their children are often demonised, even if they pay maintenance and see them regularly. Men leaving their children is treated as almost inevitable and they're saints if they manage to remember their names and birthdays!

seven-day-weekend

poet123 wrote: »

And that is exactly what I would have done under those circumstances, but I think this is a different kettle of fish as they say. There could be repercussions from what is said or unsaid here, not the same as with reassurance before an op.

Again, age would play a factor for me, 11 is probably too young to be burdened with such stuff, so I may just change the subject. If pushed though I would be honest.

TBH, I think there will be repercussions whatever is said or not said. Poor little girl.

I too would be honest if pushed.

Yorkie1

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

However in this case, I don't think it is necessary for the girl to know her father does not pay anything because that is between the mother and father and the only thing that will happen from the girl knowing is that it may cause her to have resentment against her father. The fact that I think this is a bad thing is for HER sake, not his.

GobbledyGook wrote: »

However in this case the child has asked for a clothing allowance specifically from the maintenance.

So to not give her resentment towards her father her mother has to simply say no risking the resentment going towards her mother.

How is that right or fair or good for the girl?

Person_one wrote: »

She's assuming there is maintenance being paid. To refuse to tell her the truth and deliberately let her keep believing something false is a lie by omission.

The daughter, who is 12, clearly believes that the OP is receiving a maintenance allowance from her dad. She may have got this idea from friends at school whose nrp do make contributions; it matters not really, other than this is what she believes her mum is getting.

If the OP doesn't give her the allowance, the daughter will in all likelihood believe that her mum is deliberately withholding the money - leading to perhaps understandable resentment against the OP but which she has done nothing to merit.

The dad's lifestyle choice - for whatever reasons - has meant that he is not contributing.

Others have previously said in the thread that there are ways to tell the daughter without placing any blame on the dad.

In my view it is entirely appropriate for the daughter to know the basic facts without any blame needing to be put on the dad.