Would you tell a child that NRP does not pay for them?

lostinrates

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

It is true. The money coming into the household goes on bills. She does not need to know where the money has come from. What good would her knowing do? Spoil her relationship with her father? That's just spiteful.

My siblings father always implied to my sibling money was being paid, and my mother went along with it, for just the reasons you are saying.


Years and years later, my sibling and mother have a strained relationship and my sibling has immense trust issues, as do we all. I am positive this in great part stems from 'protecting' us over things like this.

I think my sibling probably feels great shame as well which is probably misdirected as anger and mistrust about having been mislead over this sort of thing.


I don't think. It should be done nastily, with spite or malice. No way at all. In the long term that helps NO ONE. But I do think the daughter should be told how it is and that she is loved and that's my further questions about motivation should be put to her father (who can be prewarned).


Personally, as the twelve year old is showing an interest in finances, I would be educating her in household finances too. (Perhaps not revealing whole truths and certainly nothing that keeps adults let alone children awake all night) and certainly not detail. But a rough idea of income and outgoings and how balances work and how pension provision and groceries and heating etc come from the budget.

This has three benefits.


Firstly, the girl starts to get a financial education which can only be beneficial.

Secondly she is being treated ina non patronising way and included over something which could drive apart but instead can bond and then conversation can be totally taken away from dad to their own household, which is all OP's friend has to comment on.

Thirdly the girl begins to realise in a non confrontational way that there is what there so, its not meanness, just....there is what there is and it all counts.

GobbledyGook

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I'm not agreeing with him paying no money. I think her should. I just don't see why the girl needs to know. I think all it will do is spoil her relationship with her father.

What about the damage being done to her relationship with her mother?

She is watching her mother work more than ever so probably doesn't understand why if they used to have a better quality of life with Mum's wage plus Dad's maintenance they now have less despite having Mum's wage, Dad's maintenance plus Mum's overtime.

FBaby

Sorry OP, I missed the post where you said they also went there during the Summer holiday but why not any other holiday since he doesn't work?

I'm not agreeing with him paying no money. I think her should. I just don't see why the girl needs to know. I think all it will do is spoil her relationship with her father.

It is a matter of fact that he doesn't pay, so why hide what is the truth. If their father is so concerned how this could spoil his relationship with his girls, then surely it means that he should be paying? Why should the truth be kept to protect his interest?

Oakie

Can the mother just say something on the lines....'Every penny that comes into the house is spent keeping the family housed,warm and well fed.And that mum is working hard to provide some nice treats as well''
That way the daughter will understand why mum works hard and money needs to be spent on the essentials as well as the nice treats.
It also lets dad 'off the hook' until the kids are older and more understanding.

seven-day-weekend

Mojisola wrote: »

The solution to that is in his hands.

But that is just looking at it from the mother or father's point of view. The girl herself might not want her relationship with her father tarnished by that knowledge. He may not pay any money, but he is still her dad and I don't think it is up to either of the parents to tell tales about the other one.

seven-day-weekend

FBaby wrote: »

Sorry OP, I missed the post where you said they also went there during the Summer holiday but why not any other holiday since he doesn't work?



It is a matter of fact that he doesn't pay, so why hide what is the truth. If their father is so concerned how this could spoil his relationship with his girls, then surely it means that he should be paying? Why should the truth be kept to protect his interest?

It's not to protect his interest. What about how the girl will feel.?

FBaby

If the girl was to feel bad, it is because of his actions (assuming she would anyway, she might not, my kids don't love their dad any less because he doesn't contribute). Therefore, HE should be the one doing something to avoid this happening.

If you do something that you believe might be upsetting your child, what do you do? Let someone else deal with it or tackle it with your child and find a way so they are not upset any longer?

itsanne

Oakie wrote: »

Can the mother just say something on the lines....'Every penny that comes into the house is spent keeping the family housed,warm and well fed.And that mum is working hard to provide some nice treats as well''
That way the daughter will understand why mum works hard and money needs to be spent on the essentials as well as the nice treats.
It also lets dad 'off the hook' until the kids are older and more understanding.

I couldn't believe I was reading that properly! :eek:

Why on earth should the mother manipulate the truth for that.?

itsanne

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

But that is just looking at it from the mother or father's point of view. The girl herself might not want her relationship with her father tarnished by that knowledge. He may not pay any money, but he is still her dad and I don't think it is up to either of the parents to tell tales about the other one.

The girl raised the issue. Answering her truthfully is not telling tales.

poet123

As I said before if she hadn't asked then it would be different, but she has and there are two ways to go; lie or tell the truth. To me, it really is a simple as that.