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Would you tell a child that NRP does not pay for them?
Comments
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seven-day-weekend wrote: »I would just tell her there is no clothing allowance, the money goes on paying household bills (which is true) and point out the need to keep a roof over her head.
No, it's a lie because there isn't any CM being paid.0 -
He doesn't give her any money, so to say that 'the money goes on bills' is not true - there is no money.
The household money goes on bills. The girl does not need to know where the money has come from.(AKA HRH_MUngo)
Member #10 of £2 savers club
Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton0 -
No, it's a lie because there isn't any CM being paid.
It is true. The money coming into the household goes on bills. She does not need to know where the money has come from. What good would her knowing do? Spoil her relationship with her father? That's just spiteful.(AKA HRH_MUngo)
Member #10 of £2 savers club
Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton0 -
seven-day-weekend wrote: »The household money goes on bills. The girl does not need to know where the money has come from.
So Mum has to take on extra shifts to cover the household bills while Dad sits back paying nothing and Mum should let the children think that he does?
Simple truth is better - I can't give you a clothing allowance out of the money Dad gives me because he doesn't give me any.0 -
Do they ever go up to his new house? Have the kids ever met their half brother? Does the woman even knows he has kids? Or is it a case that she doesn't want to ackowledge that he has children and wants nothing to do with them all together?
The whole thing sounds very odd. Why is she even letting him in her house? Unless of course, SHE, the mother doesn't want them going there.
Perhaps you are skimming my posts, because the information is all there - nothing odd about it.
The children spend time at with their father at his house during school holidays and the reason no money is forthcoming is because neither the ex or new his partner believe that he should be responsible for paying for his children. From that you can deduce that they have been to his house, they have met their brother and his partner knows that they exist.
My friend allows her children's father into the house because he is their father and she can tolerate him spending a few hours in their home - they are not best buddies, but they are not exactly daggers drawn either. She is angry about the lack of financial support but has been keeping it civil for the sake of the children. I'm not sure what is so difficult to understand to be honest.0 -
seven-day-weekend wrote: »What good would her knowing do? Spoil her relationship with her father? That's just spiteful.
It's that something the father should have taken into consideration when he decided to stop earning money and stop paying CM?0 -
So Mum has to take on extra shifts to cover the household bills while Dad sits back paying nothing and Mum should let the children think that he does?
Simple truth is better - I can't give you a clothing allowance out of the money Dad gives me because he doesn't give me any.
I'm not agreeing with him paying no money. I think her should. I just don't see why the girl needs to know. I think all it will do is spoil her relationship with her father.(AKA HRH_MUngo)
Member #10 of £2 savers club
Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton0 -
seven-day-weekend wrote: »I just don't see why the girl needs to know. I think all it will do is spoil her relationship with her father.
The solution to that is in his hands.0 -
When my parents divorced my father chose not to pay any maintenance. This was back in the days before the Children Act and my father was able to sign a document stating that he would only pay the legal minimum of maintenance per year for us, which at that time was set at 5p. This meant that my mum could never chase him for anything else.
It was probably wrong on the part of my mum and grandparents but I was brought up to be very aware that 'your father' (I hate that phrase!) wasn't contributing anything towards my upbringing. Rightly or wrongly, it has affected my opinion of him as at the end of the day, we struggled for money and it's hard not to see it in black and white terms - my father did not care enough to contribute to ensure that I was housed, warm, clothed etc etc. After thirty years of no contact my father has recently tried to get in touch and quite frankly, I don't want anything to do with him. In a lot of ways, it was/is more insulting that he signed a document stating that my 'worth' to him was 5p a year than it would be if he'd paid nothing. At least in the latter case I could pretend that he did care but there was some reason why he didn't pay.
Going back to the OP, I'm really not sure how to handle this. At 12 years old a child is old enough to realise about maintenance and I can't see how this is going be hidden if she wants money from it. However, I think it needs to be handled very carefully as there isn't really any positive way to spin the fact that the father isn't contributing. I only hope that the father in all this has the sense to look to the future and realise that he isn't going to be able to get back into his kid's lives later on if he messes up now.
My father did the same, and I don't think he ever paid the 5p for us. It certainly affects our opinion of him now that he is trying to re-establish contact.
However, my mum didn't tell us he wasn't paying maintenance. We knew we were poor, and we had paper rounds, babysitting and a church cleaning job to get our own pocket money and help out by buying things Mum couldn't afford (like sanitary items - she'd have bought them if we asked but she would have gone without meals herself to afford them).
I overheard a neighbour saying how terrible it was that Dad was buying a second home abroad while he didn't even pay the 5p for us, and how my mum never complained, and was a saint to never say a bad word about him to us.
It affected my opinion of him, and still does. I was 14 which is a tricky age ... but I can see the 12 year old despising her father for not paying maintenance and prioritising his other family. To be honest, I can't imagine why between them he and his new wife don't feel obligated to pay something, even if they don't legally have to. If she's going to tell the girl that her dad isn't paying anything, it might be worth having a chat with the dad first and seeing what sort of plan he has ... if he tells her that he will pay maintenance once his new family are in school, for example, that might redeem him in her eyes.52% tight0 -
I think that (in my friend's head) there is an element of this to be fair to her. When they first separated and he was paying support, she was able to work fewer hours (6 hours a day so was able to fit round school easily) and no unsociable shifts, which made juggling single motherhood easier. Once the support stopped, she has had to work full-time, plus regular overtime and evening/weekend shifts (which means an increased shift allowance) to be able to keep things together. Her ex sees their children every week, but he has moved over 100 miles away, so is not around to help on a daily basis.
ETA - I think(and this is just my opinion) that one of the reasons it grates so much, is that she misses out on a lot of quality time with the children because she has to work shifts and long hours. The oldest child is starting to resent it. She is working tonight, she worked Christmas Eve and Boxing Day and has had to miss school plays, sports days in the past as well.
Does the father travel to see the sports days and plays?52% tight0
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