Would you tell a child that NRP does not pay for them?

Brighton_belle

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

This is what I think exactly. I didn't realise she HAD asked the direct question.

In that case I would tell her there is no allowance because Dad does not have much money of his own.

I would not lie to my child about anything, but sometimes they do not need to know all the gory details.

I get the principle of where you are coming from SDW, but I can't agree with you, because the girl herself already believes her mum is being paid money so I agree with the concept here of lying by omission as suggested above. Any excuses her mum makes to not give her a clothing allowance are going to reflect badly on mum IMO which is pretty unfair too.
At 12, I believe she is old enough to understand the household finances a lot more. I also think it is possible to explain maintenance is not being paid without running down her father. For example..."if your dad was working at the moment, he wouldn't be able to see you every Wednesday, take you for a pizza etc..."

seven-day-weekend

It's quite difficult isn't it? I can see what everyone is saying and no way would I lie to her, but I would also hate to be the one who made her think less of her dad. What a nasty situation to be in.

silvercar

GobblyGook wrote:

It's the abdication of responsibility that is very wrong. He can't afford to give up work and they can only afford it (imo) if the responsibility he bears towards his children is classed as a household expense of their family unit.

I agreed with this posts back. Makes sense but isn't happening.

Could Mum say that she has no money for a clothes allowance and so could the child ask her father if she wants an allowance?

Errata

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

It's quite difficult isn't it? I can see what everyone is saying and no way would I lie to her, but I would also hate to be the one who made her think less of her dad. What a nasty situation to be in.

If she thinks less of her dad, then the blame lies at the dad's door.

poet123

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

It's quite difficult isn't it? I can see what everyone is saying and no way would I lie to her, but I would also hate to be the one who made her think less of her dad. What a nasty situation to be in.

Perhaps you are a nicer person than most of us:)

I have never been in that position, but hand on heart cannot say I would feel that way after being treated the way the OP's friend has. Certainly not everyday, or after a long shift with overtime....

seven-day-weekend

Errata wrote: »

If she thinks less of her dad, then the blame lies at the dad's door.

But it will still be the girl who suffers, not the dad.

Person_one

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

But it will still be the girl who suffers, not the dad.

Sooner or later, she's going have to find out and come to terms with the fact that her dad has prioritised his new family. It's never going to be easy or much fun, but it can't be put off forever.

seven-day-weekend

Person_one wrote: »

Sooner or later, she's going have to find out and come to terms with the fact that her dad has prioritised his new family. It's never going to be easy or much fun, but it can't be put off forever.

Yes I know. It just seems a shame though that she should have to be involved in such adult affairs just because her mum and dad don't live together any more.

I've seen the results of someone who was made to feel negative towards one of his parents and he still felt the guilt years later .

FBaby

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

It's quite difficult isn't it? I can see what everyone is saying and no way would I lie to her, but I would also hate to be the one who made her think less of her dad. What a nasty situation to be in.

But you wouldn't be the one doing it her dad would by his own actions. That's what I don't understand this seemingly guilt that by saying this as they are the mum is the one in the wrong.

GobbledyGook

Actually thinking about this some more I think Mum should sit down and speak to the girl. It's possible that she knows that Dad did pay maintenance before (it's easy to pick up in conversation) and simply may not realise it stopped.

The poor mite could easily be wondering why when Mum is working more (so earning more) plus her normal wage plus the maintenance she can't have more things (be that clothes/trips etc).

I think she needs to know why Mum is working more and why she can't have more. It doesn't have to be in a bad way to Dad, but she should certainly make sure there is no simmering resentment towards Mum.