Would you tell a child that NRP does not pay for them?

marisco_2

DUTR wrote: »

Thanks for the logical reply, the only 'twist' is that even if CS contributions were being paid, it doesn't mean that the extra purchases would be possible and would still require explanation, hence why I don't see the point in telling.

Example, I do pay CS contributions and could give more should I choose, I don't think stabling horses and then wanting an additional £3k holidays were what the contributions were intended for.

If something cannot be afforded then it cannot be afforded, like many I wanted a Raleigh Chopper, my parents simply could not afford it, however I have grown to learn you cannot have everything and the things that you do want strive to achieve yourself, not blame somebody else in whatever way you want to blame them.

Completely agree with this. One of the best life lessons you can teach a child, is that everything they desire wont always just land in their lap. Everyone has budgets to work to and realism has to play a part too. The one thing my parents gave me, which has more value than anything else, is an understanding that there comes a time when you have to strive for some things by yourself. It creates drive, ambition, and an ability to go after things and achieve them in your own right. A priceless life skill.

shop-to-drop wrote: »

It wouldn't be the mother making her think less of her dad, it would be the dad, it is 100% down to him, his choice to give up work and stop paying. Therefore he is the one showing his daughter how little he actually cares.

Shocking logic. I feel so sorry for NRPs, they get slated by people who have little to no knowledge of their personal situations. There is no proof that this man hasn't already made full provision for his daughter and loves her dearly. Just because his circumstances differ from what appears to be the socially accepted norm, does not mean he cares little for her at all.

silvercar

I don't understand why people are referring to the mother lying to the girl, I don't see why an adult has to justify to a 12 year old child why she can or can't afford to give her a clothing allowance

Exactly. If Dad did provide some maintenance, Mum could decide that it needed to be spent on something other than a clothes allowance.

mumps

Ultio_Ultionisangel wrote: »

Even if she asked you the direct question the first poster said the girl asked? I would be unhappy at ling to my child in that way regardless of the reason.

I don't think it is lying, I never felt my children were entitled to an answer to every question. An example would be I was a young mom, two kids and a mortgage by the time I was 21 with mortgage rates hitting 16% so money was tight. One time my son needed some equipment for a sport he loved and excelled at and I sold my engagement ring to pay for it. I have never, in over 30 years, felt the need to tell him what his want/need cost me. He didn't need to know, he asked for something and I, as the adult, made a decision that he should have it and did what I had to do. I can't remember what he actually asked about how we afforded it but I know he would have said something as we weren't in a position to throw money about but he would just have been told that we had sorted it out, no need to know any more.

poet123

silvercar wrote: »

Exactly. If Dad did provide some maintenance, Mum could decide that it needed to be spent on something other than a clothes allowance.

If he did that would be a different matter, but he has chosen not to do that. Chosen.

mumps wrote: »

I don't think it is lying, I never felt my children were entitled to an answer to every question. An example would be I was a young mom, two kids and a mortgage by the time I was 21 with mortgage rates hitting 16% so money was tight. One time my son needed some equipment for a sport he loved and excelled at and I sold my engagement ring to pay for it. I have never, in over 30 years, felt the need to tell him what his want/need cost me. He didn't need to know, he asked for something and I, as the adult, made a decision that he should have it and did what I had to do. I can't remember what he actually asked about how we afforded it but I know he would have said something as we weren't in a position to throw money about but he would just have been told that we had sorted it out, no need to know any more.

And you are to be applauded for that but, honestly, if you were willing to make that sacrifice, would you not be irritated if your separated partner, the father of your children, felt his new family took priority? And was not willing to even pay anything to ensure their wellbeing or happiness.

You are a much better person than I am if you can say no.

Yorkie1

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I've seen the results of someone who was made to feel negative towards one of his parents and he still felt the guilt years later .

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I think I am maybe looking at this situation through rose-coloured glasses and not wanting the girl to be hurt or upset, or to have any hurt or resentment towards either parent. Maybe that is unrealistic if a family has split up and one parent decides to absolve himself of his responsibilities.

Oh well, if the girl has to find out how selfish her dad is, that's a little bit more of her childhood gone. What a shame.

You miss the point of my posts, and those of many others.

Firstly, by protecting the father's position by allowing the daughter to think that money is being paid by the dad but deliberately withheld by the mum, you are risking the resentment towards the mum.

Secondly, numerous people have said on here that answering the direct question truthfully need not make the daughter find out about her father's "selfishness". It depends how it is done / what is said.

It is possible to answer the question truthfully, in such a way as to prevent resentment towards the mother and avoid resentment towards the father.

seven-day-weekend

poet123 wrote: »

If he did that would be a different matter, but he has chosen not to do that. Chosen.



And you are to be applauded for that but, honestly, if you were willing to make that sacrifice, would you not be irritated if your separated partner, the father of your children, felt his new family took priority? And was not willing to even pay anything to ensure their wellbeing or happiness.

You are a much better person than I am if you can say no.

But you don't need to let your irritation show to the girl, or act in a wrong manner because of it.

mumps

poet123 wrote: »

If he did that would be a different matter, but he has chosen not to do that. Chosen.



And you are to be applauded for that but, honestly, if you were willing to make that sacrifice, would you not be irritated if your separated partner, the father of your children, felt his new family took priority? And was not willing to even pay anything to ensure their wellbeing or happiness.

You are a much better person than I am if you can say no.

I might well be irritated but should I burden my child with my irritation? My children's happiness and security would be much more important.

In my example would it have been a positive thing to tell my son that I was making that sacrifice for him? Why would I do that? Any "glory" I got from that would turn to ashes when I saw it take the joy away from getting what he needed.

Another example I can think of is my mother sitting telling us about the struggles her family had in the 1930's with her father short of work and money even shorter. She was talking about my grandmother always managing to put a good meal on the table, my granny was a cook and could always make a banquet out of the ingredients I would need to make a meal. As she talked she explained that granny often didn't even eat the meal, having bread and butter as she "didn't fancy a big meal after cooking." It still makes me tearful to think of my mother as an adult suddenly realising that the reason granny didn't eat the meal was probably to make sure there was enough for her husband and children. We both cried when we thought of granny going hungry. She made a sacrifice for her children but she didn't need to burden them with it. Isn't that what any mother would do?

seven-day-weekend

I wish I could thank mumps' post more than once. Of course that's what parents do. Children should not be burdened with sordid aspects of life that are not of their making. Part of being a parent is protecting them from such stuff.

poet123

mumps wrote: »

I might well be irritated but should I burden my child with my irritation? My children's happiness and security would be much more important.

In my example would it have been a positive thing to tell my son that I was making that sacrifice for him? Why would I do that? Any "glory" I got from that would turn to ashes when I saw it take the joy away from getting what he needed.

Another example I can think of is my mother sitting telling us about the struggles her family had in the 1930's with her father short of work and money even shorter. She was talking about my grandmother always managing to put a good meal on the table, my granny was a cook and could always make a banquet out of the ingredients I would need to make a meal. As she talked she explained that granny often didn't even eat the meal, having bread and butter as she "didn't fancy a big meal after cooking." It still makes me tearful to think of my mother as an adult suddenly realising that the reason granny didn't eat the meal was probably to make sure there was enough for her husband and children. We both cried when we thought of granny going hungry. She made a sacrifice for her children but she didn't need to burden them with it. Isn't that what any mother would do?

Yes, Mothers do do that every day, that doesn't make it right.

mumps

poet123 wrote: »

Yes, Mothers do do that every day, that doesn't make it right.

It certainly isn't right that mothers need to do it but I think it is right that they do it if they need to.