Trying to get on track

peaceandfreedom

Hi INOD :wave:

I've been off MSE for a while but have returned like the prodigal daughter and am catching up on various threads. I see you have been through the mill a bit but are coming out the other side. Hope things continue to get better for you .

x

liltdiddylilt

Hello lovely INOD.

I am just catching up with MSE land. I figure a new day for the UK is a new start for me on here. Just trying to get around everyone, I haven't caught up properly.

Sending you much love!!

in_need_of_direction

Long time absent visitors. Great to see you back,you were missed.

I think I'm now going to fill in a few gaps that there have been over the past few months. Some of this is haphazard and I'd recommend your indulgence of choice if you aim to read it.
For me,it's the cup of tea.

So, the first quarter of the year was all about the family stuff and DS. Money was spent, time was wasted, I spiralled downwards I tried to avoid family and I nearly permanently bit through my tongue. Second quarter I alternated between life's too short moments and what if something were to happen? I also started seeing a counsellor. Sometimes this was good, sometimes all I do is cry and sometimes it dredges up some nasty stuff from long ago times that I see needed a fresh pair of eyes to allow me to stop judging myself and to move on.

In addition, a legal matter outstanding for at least six years was finally put to bed. It did however come with a bill of £1.2k that needed have been so high but for the other party being a nightmare. It's now done so was probably worth it to be able to draw a line in the sand.

This year I decided that since I can't persuade the others to move house, I should make whatever changes I can to make the house a better place for me. This is costing money as we speak as the builders took up residence two weeks ago. I have lived in this house for 25 years and have consistently detested my front step. It's ugly and has no regard for the look of the house. This falls into the life's too short category and is being replaced. The question is, why when I was spending ridiculous amounts on handbags, etc. did I never do it then?

I am also repurposing the dining room into my room. We only make use of it for its designated purpose 3 or 4 times a year. This involved spending some £1600 on furniture while identifying some kondo worthy items. At present, I have all the elements bar one sitting downstairs while I dither about I don't know what. I think I have a fear that if I do these things, I may still not be happy so am nearly afraid to get my finger out and just start.

After my sister's death, I went a bit silly and booked a holiday for us in September. This falling the year of dd's 30th, two family occasions for OH's family this summer where travel and accommodation cost us approx £500 a pop, DS's July birthday, a niece's wedding and various other things that aren't cheap.

Aside from this, I upped my monthly savings to £500 as I was afraid that money would evaporate around me. I'm not sure we can accommodate that level of saving.

Additionally, I did not get the pay award I deserved. Querying this has not resolved anything but has opened a major can of worms for the firm that may lead to unpleasantness and restructuring going forward.

On the plus side, both children and OH are relatively healthy and my recent surgery went well. My sugar levels were bad but are improving incrementally and I hope that my mindset is improving with regard to how I view sugar but deep down I know that I will always be a carb lover (spuds, bread, pasta).

So what's the plan?

I'm not quite sure but know I can't keep going month to month hoping to eke out £24 (though it did prompt some ebaying). Neither can I keep ad hoc spending. £125 for a pair of boots reduced from£300 today and I don't even know that I'll be able to walk in them.

I know that to get my house into some order, I need to start with the dining room. I also know the two books for my sister need to go along with the bag for the charity shop. I know I could rant and rave about how she could come here and get the books but that's never how things have been and she probably won't change now.

Momentary panic, I forgot to mention that I have been randomly inviting people to my house to start a reading group in July. Somehow, in April May time,I thought life would be wonderful by then and I'd be the hostess with the mostest.

I also need to take stock of how things stand financially. Am I the only one who resents not being able to make mortgage inroads while getting other stuff done?

I also have to look at my job both in terms of the internal stuff and in terms of brexit. My team gets approx two thirds of its work in the south so I really don't know how things will pan out.

But, all that will have to wait as tonight we are out to a fiftieth birthday party. Some friends who are very tolerant invited us. They're so tolerant that they make excuses for my anti social behaviour when I go through my spells of completely avoiding people however a failure to show this evening could be a final nail in a coffin. The thing is, I like them I like those who will be present this evening and I always feel better for having been there. Why then do I struggle to go?

Anyhows,thanks to anyone who struggles through this. Feel free to feedback any way you see fit. And lilty, if you make it to here, tell us, how's the totser?

beanielou

Thank you so very much for sharing that.
When you condense it all it has been some year.

I am very glad that you are reclaiming some space for you.
I think the holiday is good.
The book group will be good.
I think that you (like me) are way too hard on yourself.

I like you struggle to get the balance between living for now & worrying about what may happen in the future.

Overall life is good & you have a lovely family.
So many positives :j :j :j

peaceandfreedom

Hi again INOD. Like beanielou I am grateful to you for sharing your story. I now understand better what you've been through in the past few months.

You sound like you are very hard on yourself a lot of the time and are generally feeling unsettled and unhappy. I am so sorry to hear about your sister . This part particularly struck me:

I think I have a fear that if I do these things, I may still not be happy so am nearly afraid to get my finger out and just start.

You are stuck and are not really sure how to move forward and are worried that when you do move forward, you will still be unhappy and discontent. I am in a very similar position and seem to have been stuck for years but lately I feel that I am somehow emerging from this. All I can suggest is that you try to get on with your plans. Your idea for turning the dining-room into your own space is an excellent one. You can escape there when you are feeling low and want to withdraw from the world to regroup.

I would hope that your friends don't need to be 'tolerant' towards when you become anti-social and don't want to go out - this is a sign that you need help and support, not judgement. You need hugs and understanding and gentle encouragement.

I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say you don't fancy going out but then have a great time when you do. This has happened to me so much in the past few years. Sometimes I am almost in tears at the though of having to doll myself up and head out when all I want to do is watch something rubbishy on the telly. But then I have a fantastic time and dance all night and wonder what the hell was wrong with me. It's a strange phenomenon.

In fact, lots of your story resonates with me and I wonder if it is all part of that getting-older letting-go kind of thing that kicks in when we reach a certain age. You start evaluating your life and thinking about all the things you could have differently and perhaps all the different choices you could have made and where you'd be now if you did. And then you start the ruthless self-judgement that you would never dream of doing to anyone else. When we feel low we seem to beat ourselves up all the more when what we need is to be kind to ourselves .

Hope you had a good night tonight and that everything with your job works out OK. I'll be dropping in to keep you company and supporting you all the way .

in_need_of_direction

Night out went fairly well. Was nearly derailed though by someone who's not quite a friend but part of that group who it turns out knows both the husband of the sister who died and also my brother's wife. When we figured out who everyone was,she was then talking about my sister's illness and death. It was so odd.
Still,we met up at 8.30 and got home around 1.30. Cost was £40 for the two of us. Food was ok but service wasn't great although no corkage was charged. We were also able to find a 50th card from our stash along with a suitable present from the present box so two fewer things in the house too. I did though feel it in my leg both last night and this morning as I hadn't been able to keep it raised.
Today is my mum's birthday and I have nothing suitable to give her. Looks like it'll be a trip to buy some toffees, a jar of well known lime marmalade and a card. I will also ask if there's anything she would like but have no expectation of this. I will have to go there today. I know it'll be hard for her having this birthday without my sis around. I just hope I can make allowances.
Today I am grateful for
Potato bread fried in butter
OH
Good friends
All on here who pop in

mfmaybe

I've not been in diary land much recently so catching up. It's really been quite a year. I think the counselling is brilliant but probably exhausting too. Emotional letting always is. So give yourself time to adjust to all these new thoughts. Be kind to yourself in the meantime.

in_need_of_direction

Am heading to a meeting tomorrow and into the office for a conference call after. Hopefully my leg won't trouble me.
I bit the bullet on Monday and while the dining room slash! my room doesn't have the layout envisaged, it's now operational and looking good if you ignore the bare plaster where the workmen removed a radiator today.

How humorously shaming is this though? I called OH after the radiator was removed and said that the whole room would need painting as there were some big scrapes on the wall. Turned out they were cobwebs which were apparent as some shelves had been moved! And people wonder why I worry about friends being round.

This evening we kondoed two half used bags of cement into the skip the workmen having been using. The old step has been well and truly kondoed and the new one looks right for the house. Plasterboard has been fitted to the hole in the ceiling and the plasterer is due tomorrow to do the final skim. Some small bits still to be done outside but it'll be next week before they get finished.

In addition, having been working while off sick for the first time in a long while, I'm finally up to date. Spoke to DS this evening and all's ok and to dd yesterday and she has been given an award for her charity work. Formal presentation will be last week in July. So pleased for her.

Today I am grateful for
A relatively healthy family
A home that I'm starting to love again
Being able to kondo stuff

beanielou

All sounding really positive.

doingitanyway

I like your gratitude list. A good reminder for me too