Maintenance payments after 18 years old

DigForVictory

If Miss wants dad's money, she can communicate.

Blackmail? Yep, but effective.

As long as she knows (a) you have been paying & (b) that you would go on if she were at Uni (or equivalent?), then likely come April you may hear an unfamiliar chirp.

Fingers crossed she grows up a bit, learns there might be another side to the story &/or even wishes for more family.

Person_one

clareski wrote: »

Maggy50, thats right. She used to visit us about three times a year when she was younger, and speak to her dad on the phone at least twice a week. Then about 5 years ago she stopped wanting contact, not answering phone, making excuses not to visit etc, even though nothing has changed on our part, and she will not tell us why she does not want to speak or visit.

So she was only 12 when something changed?

Seanymph

My reading Person one was that the parents seperated when she was 12 and at 14 the daughter stopped contact.

I wonder if that coincides with the OP's arrival or marriage or something?

But whatever caused the rift, children live through it and parents should be there for them. I still think the father should pay an amount monthly to his child to support her pursuing her degree. It is a terribly financially difficult time for students - in a house of six last year DD's boyfriend lost a housemate during the first three terms because student finance didn't even cover rent and his parents couldn't help him.

A little something direct would open the communication again - the OP's husband is the adult here let's not forget.

Laurajo_2

Just to offer a slightly different perspective.....

When my parents split, I didn't speak to my dad for five years after he remarried. My mum struggled after the divorce and I felt like any contact with my father would be a betrayal of my mum. At the time, she encouraged the non contact and I was very angry at my father, seeing him as at fault in the whole situation - he wasn't, like most divorces there was right and wrong on both sides. I did have contact with him at first but it hurt to see him settling into his 'new' life.

My dad did continue to support me (slightly different situation as I left home at sixteen) despite me never wanting to see him or have any contact (of course, I still took his money - as a sixteen year old who was hurt and upset, I felt that he 'owed' me, and I suspect that the withdrawal of his financial support would have made me less inclined to get in touch and it would have been a heck of a lot longer before I got in touch. One of the things that made me realise that he did actually care about me still is the maintained money.

I've been back in contact with my dad for about six years now - I love seeing him and he gave me away at my wedding. I regret losing those five years out of pure spite on my part, however you can't turn back the clock.

I wholeheartedly disagree with the 'if she won't see him, don't pay.' At eighteen, and assuming the mother hasn't told her that the father is paying nothing for her, she will recognise this for the blackmail it is and even if she feels like she has to get in contact, she will feel forced into it and manipulated, which in the long term isn't going to be good for there relationship.

I'd continue paying (and I suspect your ohs ex will be straight onto CSA if he stops whilst she's still legally entitled) until she finished education - even if, when she goes to uni it's fifty quid into her account every month.

Sorry op if that sounds harsh, I really do sympathise with your position.

Seanymph

Laurajo what a helpful, brave and self aware post.

Sunshine_and_Roses

Thanks for all your advice.

We got together when daughter was 7, everything was fine and we had regular visits in holidays, and lots of calls. Then when she was 12 or 13 she stopped wanting to visit, and mum was texting us to make excuses. Then she stopped answering phone calls and said she would only communicate by text. Neither her or her mum would give an explanation.

As for payments, it seems a great idea to offer to pay into her account direct. It's not as if they are short of money, always flaunting expensive holidays, cars, gifts etc.

Could do with finding a template letter to send.

ValHaller

clareski wrote: »

As for payments, it seems a great idea to offer to pay into her account direct. It's not as if they are short of money, always flaunting expensive holidays, cars, gifts etc.

Could do with finding a template letter to send.

Er, no, that would be a mistake. As long as you have completed the legal requirements, any further payment is personal and in support of his daughter.. It is what comes from the heart that matters on this.

FatVonD

To be honest, the daughter's behaviour sounds much like that of my son and also my stepkids to the non resident parent (apart from blanking on a visit.) Once they become teenagers they have their own life and friends and don't want to go for extended stays with their non-resident parent.

My son doesn't answer the phone to his dad because he knows he will pressure him into visiting. DSD will often ignore phone calls (I believe) for the same reason whereas texts don't put them on the spot so much.

In both cases it's the resident parent that is left making their excuses when the non resident parents calls.

DSD is often 'busy' when invited for the weekend but will happily rock up to meet us at her nan's when it's just a Sunday afternoon tea when she's not missing out on anything else. I firmly believe you just have to readjust the contact with them once they are teenagers (though appreciate this is more difficult if they live hundreds of miles away.) DS would be happy to go out for pizza with his dad midweek but his dad own't make the effort to do that and just keeps pushing for whole weekends so barely sees him nowadays.

paulineb_2

The thing is though, the dad in this scenario hasnt seen the child in years and wants to.

When I was young it was different. My mum did get my dad to pay some child maintenance but she had to take him to court to do so and in those days it was something like 2 pounds a week.

My dad is wealthy, he wasnt always but he has been for a long time. I see it from both points of view, but it staggers me that a dad can be left with no contact from his kids yet hes expected to keep paying for them until they are 19 or 20, when that child wont see him and has a stepdad who presumably also contributes.

I think theres a point where you might feel like you are being used like a cash point and getting nil back.

My brothers dad, paid not a bean for him either, he emigrated to Oz not that long after my brother was born. My mum wasnt out to get everything she could from my dad, her view was that I was his child as well and that he should pay something, but apart from that 2 quid a week or so, from when I was about 5 till I was 16, I got nothing from him ever. Not a birthday present, not a Christmas present, not a card, nothing.

He has another child from his second marriage that he will have done all that for.

Im absolutely of the view that kids should not be left to go short when a marriage splits up but this father is being denied access and has been for 5 years and hes paying her money every month.

If I were the mum in this situation, Id be trying to resolve it, but as the OP has said, she thinks the dad has been lied about.

Its a terrible shame. Its not always about the cash, its about the total lack of relationship and of appreciation and the games some people play. Wrong.

meer53

FatVonD is spot on. My daughter is 13 and isn't really interested in seeing her Dad any more than she has to. She was always happy to go for the weekend but now can find more interesting things to do. However, she doesn't want to tell her Dad this so will either ask me to call him or she will send him a text. He's now getting really upset, saying "she doesn't want to see me anymore" blah blah blah.

When she does go to see him, she spends most of her time on her phone or Ipad which winds him up too. My ex doesn't understand the "girls growing up" thing really, he takes it all too personally.

I know that it will change, but he just sees it as me "turning her against him" (his words to me recently) I don't bite, because he couldn't be further from the truth, i loved my weekends when she went to stay with him. I don't get them now