Eating meals at friends / family's homes

h15t0r1an

All the views and suggestions here are worth taking into account. You yourself will know what you think.

To me it's clear there are deeper issues being reflected here.

One is your relationship with your husband and how decisions are made. This may reflect something deeper that needs to be sorted out between you. Clearly it's not or he would not have cooperated with his mother in the "fait accompli". He's married to you, not her.

It's possible that the level of the problem being reported is absolutely accurate and being reported as such. But the least it does is reinforce that there is a bigger issue above to be sorted out. How you decide to deal with this situation in the future will naturally come out of dealing with the bigger issue above first.

sugarbaby125

I took the time to read all of the previous views. I have a sister who is just like your MIL. She has always been bone idle, even as a very young child. Our family had 12 children, Mum and Dad, though the eldest 2 sons were already grown up and living away from home. My Dad was quick to beat all of us children, but not even the threat of a beating made my sister become tidy and clean about her person. We realised that she would sit in the bathroom, on the edge of the bath, reading a Mills and Boon book and soaping up her flannel, to pretend she had had a stripped down wash, rather than have a wash!!!! The bathroom had a window above the door, which we used to spy on her, as she just did not smell fresh. she had real issues about bothering to brush her teeth as well. Yet all her 9 siblings were clean and tidy people, who all did their chores to keep the family home clean and tidy. She eventually left home and shared a Council flat with me. I soon realised what a big mistake I had made. I have never had to do so much cleaning in my life, before or since. I had to battle against her truly disgusting ways. We had endless rows about cleanliness to no avail. I was glad to fall in love, get married and move away. She got married and moved to Sunderland. My first visit to her home was such a shock, I never returned until the unexpected death of her husband years later. It was just like 'how clean is your house'. To get the house ready in only 10 days for her husband's funeral reception, I had to work every single waking hour for 9 day's straight to get the house clean. Her friends, and his large family were amazed when the saw the whole house shining like a new pin and actually smelling really fresh. I had to invite my sister and her children to my home, rather than ever dare to visit her home again, as I simply could not put up with all the dirt, thick grease, mess and the worst stenches I have ever smelt in a kitchen again.

Your husband has to accept that his mother's home would be condemned by an Environmental Officer as 'not being fit for human habitation'. She may not mind living in a cess pit, but you and your children should not be forced by your husband to endure visits to your MIL's home. Your husband needs to hurt his mother's feelings by telling her in no uncertain terms why none of you will be visiting her home again. I think he will find, that she does not have the same sensitive feelings like most people. She may feel a bit offended in the moment of telling, but will soon forget what he has said. Normal feeling are incapable of living the way she does and not even feeling the least ashamed to have other people witness how they live.

My sister is like that. She gave our Mum and Dad bad food poisoning years ago, after she cooked them a roast chicken dinner! She has made other members of the family ill with her poor cooking and unhygienic ways. Yet she is oblivious to other people's feelings on the subject.

Please talk to your husband until he begins to understand, that you and the children should not have to endure visits to your MIL's home ever again. Make him see that the associated risk to your health and senses is not worth it. Just insist that MIL is to visit your home instead. (If I read your husband right from all you said, he will not like this solution either). I hope I am wrong. Make him see that you are willing to compromise. You can fumigate your home after each MIL visit and keep the visits to a minimum.

When my sister and her children visit my home, I have to fight not to be angry when they start to make my home dirty and messy within hours of arriving, let alone within days of their arrival!!!

Make your Dad your priority for the coming future, as he will really need you all around him to support him.

I hope you are able to resolve all of these issues with your husband

happyinflorida

What a nightmare. I would not go and eat there or drink there. I wouldn't allow your children to eat or drink there either.


All I can suggest as a solution is to say that you and your kids have to be careful with what you eat - tell the kids first, so they can also lie to her convincingly!! Like you've got "IBS" - irritable bowel syndrome and you take yours and the kids food and drinks with you, like a take away and say it's all special food and you can't touch her food, sorry and all that.


If you have to use plates and cups - take your own with you and say you wanted to save her having to wash up!


Just think of excuses and do what you want and what you feel happiest doing.


I certainly wouldn't get ill again because of her.


If your husband isn't willing to do that, then tell him to go on his own and politely explain to MIL the reason why you and your kids aren't going. If she doesn't like it, explain that you all got food poisoning and you don't want to risk getting it again, say it's her choice - either clean up or don't see us.


She probably has depression, so it might be a good idea to ask her to go and see her doctor and be honest about how she's living and her feelings and maybe get some counselling or medication - anti-depressants may be the way forward for her.


I wish you good luck with this.

Bridol

Well Christmas is over but this problem is not going away any time soon on its own and if you dont want to be posting exactly the same thing in December this year you have 11 months to get it sorted out.

So you used to clean and she told you not any more. Can you visit without your hubby? He wont tackle it so maybe its best done by you. Tell her that she has not gotten any better at cleaning since you stopped doing it for her and the place is now a health hazard to you and your young children and you dont feel able to bring them around any more until it improves but you are willing to help her. Also explain that you cant risk taking germs back to your vulnerable dad and you would never forgive yourself if you passed something on and made him sick.

Give her the option of getting a cleaner, or accpeting help from the family AFTER the place is brought up to scratch after a deep clean. Ask her why she is not cleaning? Does she not see it as a problem? (you have explained it is) Is her eyesight failing so she cant see the dirt any more? Is she physically unable? Is she just lazy? Is she depressed? Does she need a carer? Can social services help?

Explain that you cannot deal with it any longer so if she is not willing to change then you and the children will withdraw from her house until it does.

Then you need to stick to your guns, no matter how hard this is.

I'm sure your hubby will not be pleased that you went behind his back but he will get over it and he might be secretly pleased someone else is doing something! And MIL might accept it better from you laying it on the line rather than her sons. This is often the case. If not you can be the big bad DIL and sons are still in her good books although at least hubby did take action and throw the chicken away

GOOD LUCK coz I think you are going to need it, its gonna be a difficult year, but it will be worth it. [Hope your dad does well too]

Mandy

FamilyLife

We have a similar problem. I am currently pregnant with our first child and husband agreed that I wouldn't have to go round while pregnant (never been able to eat there and the smell makes me feel sick) and that the baby won't go round at all. This resolve fell through a couple of times though as we arranged to pick them up for things and they changed their mind and would rather stay home. The in-laws live an hour away by car so it wasn't like we could just drive home again.

The whole situation is made more difficult by the fact that my MIL suffers from severe mental health issues and is very embarrassed and upset by the state of the house. We were all involved in a declutter (hoarders) and clean at the beginning of the year but it doesn't stay clean and they continue to bring things into the house. The house is in serious disrepair as well. Neither her or her husband can drive and so they will not be able to come and visit us very easily after the baby is born, my MIL would find public transport very stressful and would likely refuse to try. I know my husband is very upset at the thought of my parents being so involved with the baby, when his won't, but he seems to still be in agreement that we can't take the baby there. I'm most worried about the damp, the bathroom ceiling is coated in black mould and the smell makes me think the air quality is very poor.

Husband is planning to talk to his Dad about it but it's going to be so difficult. We really don't want to upset them as they're so lovely and really are trying their best. The house needs a serious injection of cash to get it habitable and that's not going to be found anytime soon.

I know this post is not helpful to the OP but I have really appreciated this thread and took it as a chance to vent (while sitting up in bed with pregnancy reflux, unable to sleep!)

Yankee_Rose

It would depend on the condition of the kitchen and the appearance of the person. My mother had a friend who never seem to get around to cleaning any room in her house except her kitchen. It was always spotless and in herself she was very clean. Always made me wonder why she didn't bother cleaning the rest. I ate many times at her house - always in the kitchen - and enjoyed every mouthful! She was a lovely person. Whatever the reason people are like that, you could always volunteer to give them a hand or a cleaning coupon for their birthday. Help, do not judge!

nickj_2

dktreesea wrote: »

Being optimistic is nice, but the fact is not all mums in this position would welcome the help. And your effort wouldn't last indefinitely. Without a commitment by the occupant to commit to keeping the house the way your "blitz" had restored it to, the house would deteriorate back into the current shape in no time.

People who go down the route you advocate could end up being unpaid skivvies, going in to clean the mess up week in week out with no improvement on the part of the occupant to keeping it clean.

a bit like what parents do when they are bringing you up then ?

newlands23

This all proves how vital it is to choose a partner with similar standards of housekeeping. Far more important than similar religion or class! Wherever you are on the line between MS (Messy Slob) and OCH (obsessive-compulsive housekeeper), you need a spouse or flatmate who isn't too far above or below you. Two MSs can live happily together, although their friends won't visit them much. Two OCHs likewise (their friends won't be ALLOWED to visit them much, too messy). But a mid-level person with an OCH or a MS will never be free from hassles. One person will feel nagged at and hounded. The other will feel put-upon, because he/she always does the cleaning before the other one sees the need, and increasingly intolerant.
So look at the household where your prospective partner grew up, if you possibly can. Is it a lot cleaner or a lot messier than your own family's home? If so, there will be tears before bedtime. I'm eternally grateful to my own MIL for not being OCH.

Dolly_DD

Oh this is awful. What a dilemma. But it is a resounding no from me. I wouldn't even go there never mind drink or eat. I am actually feeling quite sick now just at the thought...........
Focus on your Dad. Your MIL sounds a bit lazy. And remember, it is only a mess because you have stopped cleaning for her. What does she do with her time. And if she is living on her own there shouldn't be much mess. Some people don't care do they. Right I'm off to do a bit of cleaning. As you do!!

Mojisola

newlands23 wrote: »

This all proves how vital it is to choose a partner with similar standards of housekeeping. Far more important than similar religion or class!

I remember reading an article by Katherine Whitehorn a long time ago which gave the same advice - it's stuck with me because of how true it seemed when I looked around at the couples I knew.